Til Death Do You Part?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I got into a Twitter conversation yesterday with a man whose view intrigued me. From what I can gather, he is divorced with a couple young kids.

A divorce he didn’t want.

A divorce, that for whatever reason, his wife did.

And even though the vows are now broken, he is still maintaining his promise of fidelity to her until death severs their oath.

I can certainly see why someone would choose not to date while they are focused on raising their children. I can empathize with the decision to avoid the balancing act of blending families. And I can even appreciate someone electing to not reenter the dating world out of fear of additional heartbreak or simply a discovery of contentment with singlehood.

But the piece I can’t seem to wrap my head around is keeping a promise to someone who has made it very clear that your loyalty is not valued.

He offered a clue that the rejection by the one he trusted the most delivered a message that he had no value.

And I think everyone that has faced betrayal and rejection can identify with that sentiment. It’s certainly hard to disentangle your views of yourself with your ex-partner’s (new) views of you.

Yet, even with that, I struggle with the idea of a one-sided pledge of allegiance.

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

That’s my two cents. What’s yours?

The Entitled Ones

Posted on by stilllearning2b
entitled

We all start out believing that we are the center of the world.

And then as we grow, our sense of our place in the world shifts.

Until we realize that we are not the center of the world. but a part of the world.

With a responsibility to step and speak with kindness and care.

Except some people never develop the understanding that they are a part of the world.

They persist in their belief that they are the sun and the rest of us are mere satellites.

And rather than stepping with kindness and care, they stomp on boundaries and crush others beneath their unfeeling feet.

And rather than speaking with kindness and care, they use words as weapons to harm and tools to manipulate.

They are the entitled ones. The self-crowned kings and queens of our realm.

Many were raised to be empowered, showered with excess and unearned praise by parents afraid of setting and maintaining boundaries. They held dominance in their families and assumed that their sway extended outside the familial home. They never learned how to hear a “no” or contend with a limit. They asked and they received.

Parents stepped in and cushioned consequences, so cause and effect was never mastered. They never received education in empathy, so they held on to a young child’s lack of understanding. And perhaps worst of all, these infant monarchs learned how to shuffle blame and avoid responsibility.

Some of the entitled ones earned their badge with an assist from genetics, given a biological limit to their abilities to empathize with and understand others.

In school, these entitled children don the label of “bully” as they use power, fear and manipulation to control the other students. In their world, the ends justify any means necessary and they are quite adept at pulling out every mean possible.

As they grow into adults, the entitled ones often find themselves successful. After all, when you’re ruthless on the ladder to success, you can leave quite a pile of bodies behind you. They can be charismatic, hiding their entitlement behind charm and practiced words. They’re just putting on a show for the benefit of their lackeys while they take what they believe they deserve.

And some of us fall for this charade. After all, it can certainly be a great show.

But these are the people that will pledge fidelity while actively pursuing another. They will set a household budget, yet feel entitled to break it. They will tell you what you want to hear while doing what they want to do.

The only reason needed for any action is,”I felt like it.”

But at some point, the curtains part.

And we see the special effects for what they are.

And we become aware of the strings tied around our own wrists.

Making us an unwilling participant in the entitled one’s play.

And for those of us that understand that we are all in this together, the realization that we were perceived as nothing but minions and pawns is a painful one.

But better to endure the pain of having the strings cut.

Than to never see them at all.

Be stronger than your pain.

Build your boundaries with your entitled one and enforce them with everything you have.

Let them be the center of their world.

But refuse to let them be the center of yours.

The Part of the Betrayed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve been betrayed.

The one who promised to have and hold instead lied and stole.

Leaving you broken and questioning.

It’s not right. It’s not fair. And it’s not okay.

But it happens nonetheless.

Why People Cheat

Regardless of your feelings about monogamy or someone’s right to seek attention elsewhere if they are not receiving it at home, an affair is a breach of a contract. And many believe, a breach of character. It is an act of selfishness at best and an act of malice at worst.

But let’s forget for a minute about the betrayer. The act itself. And let us even set aside the pain for a moment or two.

Now that it’s happened, what’s your part?

What can you learn from the experience?

Don’t Internalize the Affair You didn’t cause it. You didn’t make your spouse cheat (even if they try to convince you that you did). Let go of that thought. This was their choice and their choice alone. It shows where they’re lacking, not you.

Take a Look at the Bigger Picture Sometimes an affair happens solely because of a person’s own issues. Other times, it’s a perfect storm of nature and nurture, the marital environment also playing a role. Are there areas where the marriage can be improved or where you can respond differently in a new relationship?

Add a Dash of Understanding to Your Judgment It’s natural to blame your spouse. To lash out in anger. I get it. Try also to find some understanding of why he or she responded the way they did. Just proclaiming it as wrong doesn’t help you. Understanding some of why it happened does.

Watch Your Triggers An affair can trigger earlier memories of abandonment or it can certainly be what future triggers will be about. The affair is not your part; healing its impact on you is.

Consider Alternatives Is your marriage the right fit for both of you at this time? Have you or your partner changed and now need a different option?

Protect Your Children You know how piercing and scary betrayal is for an adult. Imagine it through a child’s eyes. Shelter them from the affair when they’re young. If there are truths they need to discover (like a personality disorder, etc.) let them reveal themselves in time.

Consider the Balance of Comfort and Passion We often ask too much of our partners. We want them to be our best friends, our lovers, our dependable partner, the children’s parent and sometimes even a business partner. And all this for 50+ years til death knocks on the marital home. You can maintain passion, but too much comfort is the death of excitement. Find the balance.

You can address the above despite what your straying partner does or doesn’t do. You can learn from the experience if it ends in divorce or becomes a renewal of your marriage. You can choose how you look at the affair and how you respond.

An affair is a wake-up call. Don’t sleep though it.

I read an interesting interview with Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, which looks at the challenges facing modern marriages. Take a look at the article; it’s thought-provoking.

Oh, and for those of you that set your pain aside for a few moments, it’s okay to let it talk again. Just don’t allow it to filibuster.

How the Language We Use Reveals Our Assumptions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was working on a post about relationships that begin with infidelity the other day when I found myself at a loss.

Unless I’m sharing my personal story, I try to write from as much as a gender-neutral perspective as possible. I typed the phrase, “Mistress or …” waiting for the masculine version of the word to pop into my head.

And I drew a blank. My trusty thesaurus wasn’t any better and even Twitter couldn’t find a male-gendered term that means an affair partner.

As I reworked the sentence to include a gender-neutral poor substitute (paramour), I found my mind actively chewing on this suddenly-realized vacancy in our language. After all, women cheat (the studies are notoriously inaccurate, but the rates aren’t usually much below men) and I would wager (again, going with statistical evidence) that the majority of those women are cheating with men.

So what are those men called?

 

It gets even more interesting.

 

We have a gendered name for the betrayed husband – cuckhold – a term that originally meant a deceived man who ended up caring for a child born from another man. And in fact, adultery has historically (and in many cultures) been considered much more heinous when it is between a married woman and another man than when the man is the one straying from the marital bed. Which makes sense from a purely economical standpoint; a wayward wife may mean a man’s resources are going to help perpetuate another’s genes.

Yet even without the biological concern of a woman unknowingly raising another woman’s child, there are certainly plenty of men who procreate outside of marriage.

So what do we call their deceived wives?

 

When a mistress is reviled (such as by the wife), she is referred to as the “homewrecker.”

I’ve never heard of a man referred to by that term, even though it is not exclusively feminine.

 

The woman is also more likely to be called terms that shame her for her sexuality, whereas the man is more likely to be called out for his duplicity.

 

The words used extend to within a marriage. How often do we hear about a “frigid” wife being the cause of a sexless marriage? Yet Google implies that men are equally likely to be the frigid ones. Except we don’t call them that.

 

 

The language seems to favor the fooled husband on the marital side and the kept and wanton woman on the outside of the marriage. Even though those roles are easily interchangeable and are more about character and circumstance than about gender.

 

And what does that reveal about our assumptions?

Interesting to think about.

 

Have any known words to add?

Any words you would like to create?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Dilute Your Bitterness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
bitterness

The end of a marriage, especially when it comes with infidelity, courtroom drama or excessive vitriol, is like taking a large shot of concentrated bitter. Bitterness comes when we feel a situation was unfair and outside of our control. It is fed by blame, when we feel as though someone else could have prevented the situation.

You come out of the fugue renouncing marriage, blaming the institution for your ills. The thought of starting over again in love and allowing someone unfettered access to your heart brings an acrid taste to your tongue. You look down at affectionate couples like the Grinch looking down at the happy celebrations in Whoville.

You may generalize your rancor, for example painting all men as lying, cheating bastards. Or you may keep the bitter concentrated in a bolus of poison focused on your ex or the affair partner. Sometimes the bitterness lives on the surface, making itself known in most interactions. Other times, it buries itself deeper where it is harder to identify yet it still colors every thought.

Bitterness is anger past its expiration date.

Anger is a sign that something needs to change. It’s a fuel that drives us when we would otherwise crumple in sorrow. Anger sparks when something or someone is testing our boundaries. It tells us to stand up for ourselves and our rights. It’s a neon arrow pointing to what needs to change.

In contrast, bitterness is the residue left once the anger has served its purpose. Bitterness has no purpose. No direction. It may be less intense than the initial anger, but its effects can damage your entire life if you don’t rinse it out.

Since bitterness tends to be more diffuse, permeating every cell, it’s easier to lessen its impact by diluting it rather than trying to simply excise it in one big cut.

First, be truthful with yourself. Be willing to admit any bitterness you carry.

Identify the form your bitterness takes. What words, thoughts or stories carry the acid?

Institute a gag order of your bitterness. Ban the offending words or thoughts.

Eliminate all or none thinking. Life isn’t so black and white.

Bitterness thrives on victimhood. Refuse to be a victim.

Find the lessons within your situation. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it gives it purpose.

Accept that there are situations you cannot control. And that you can never control other people.

Bitterness feeds upon itself. When you are acrimonious, others will respond in kind.

Take a lesson from cooking. Sweetness cuts bitterness. Find ways to add smiles to your days.

Bitterness holds you back. Letting go allows you to embrace the rest of your life.