Feel Like A Man

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the moments when I loved my now-husband the most is when I witnessed him slide a BB gun into a man’s hands, propping the barrel on the porch railing where it was aimed for some cans.

Although no words were spoken, I understood his motivation.

He wanted his friend, weak and shaky from a degenerative neurological condition, to again feel like a man. And that was an importance I was only just beginning to understand.

My now-husband is a man’s man. He wears his masculinity on his sleeve and is both astute at identifying the characteristics of manhood and at communicating them.

And from him, I’m starting to understand the importance of feeling like a man. And how damaging it can be when that feeling is taken away.

Feeling like a man means that you feel powerful in your own domain. It means that you have control over many aspects of your life and that you receive respect and recognition for your strengths.

Feeling like a man means that you are able to take care of your family. Most often this is financially motivated, but it can also manifest in creating and maintaining a home.

Feeling like a man means that you take seriously the charge of protecting your family. It means that if harm befalls one of your own, you interpret it as a personal failing.

Feeling like a man means trying to find a balance between the very real and powerful emotions that arise within and the cultural message that “big boys don’t cry.”

We ask a lot of our men.

And they ask a lot of themselves.

And sometimes life doesn’t cooperate, stealing away the very things that allow a man to feel like a man.

Health crises rob the body of its strength. Turning a once-strong man into a weak and dependent form. The one whose broad shoulders used to carry others is now reduced to the one being carried.

Jobs are lost and with them, the confidence that comes from respect for position and knowledge. Lost as well is the knowledge that the family is being provided for.

Appreciation and recognition is withheld, perhaps replaced with nagging for what is not done instead of seeing what is done.

Someone in the family is harmed or is unhappy and the situation is internalized, a personal short-coming even when the cause is outside of anyone’s control.

Vulnerability is encouraged, yet that very trait can be turned against him when he is seen as weak or incapable.

I’m learning that all men, not just the alpha, masculinity-on-the-sleeve types, have these basic needs. These primal motivations.

And when a man doesn’t feel like a man, it is all too easy for him to feel like a failure. Depression seeps in, displacing any remaining confidence. He is prone to withdrawal as he questions his value. Addiction can become a welcoming refuge from the shame. It’s a vicious cycle – the less he feels like a man, the less he engages in the actions that make him feel like a man. And that’s the very cycle that consumed my first husband. Only I didn’t see it at the time.

As I watch my husband with his ever-weakening friend, I am grateful for the insight into what it mean to feel like a man.

And I’m careful to not take that feeling away.

Mad At Your Partner? Try These 12 Ideas Before You Explode!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It happens to all of us. One day you find yourself looking at your partner in disbelief, the first flush of anger crawling up your neck like the mercury in a summer thermometer.

How can you do/say/think that?

Why did I ever decide to be with you? What in the world was I thinking?

You’re so aggravating/frustrating/self-centered/stupid/annoying.

It’s normal. Two imperfect and different people will collide sometimes.

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

And learning how to handle your frustrations towards your partner is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

And, no. That doesn’t mean that he or she should change to match your expectations.

It means you learn how to manage your expectations and your reactions. That you accept that your anger has as much (if not more) to do with you as it does with your partner. And that you shift from blame, which only escalates anger, to responsibility, which can mitigate ire. These strategies can help release your anger and can also help to reset the dynamic in the relationship.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

IMG_5706

Write Him/Her a Note of Appreciation

When we’re angry, we have a tendency to demonize our partner, seeing only the negative and assuming the worst. Help to restore emotional and cognitive balance by making the effort to write a note of appreciation to your partner describing something that he or she does that you are grateful for. You don’t have to deliver the note immediately, although it would nice to hand it over at some point. After all, silent appreciation isn’t really appreciation at all.

IMG_5704

Release the Energy

Anger has an energy to it. It demands action. And if we don’t release it physically, the anger tends to come out in our words. So give in to its demands. Strap on your walking or running shoes and get moving. A tired brain is a more rational brain.

IMG_5703

Increase Your Efforts

I love the idea that in a good relationship, both partners strive to give just a little more than their partner. So make the commitment to put in 10% more than your partner. Not out of spite or martyrdom, but out of a true desire to feed the relationship. Now, this is difficult to do when you’re already angry because you’re feeling taken advantage of or under-appreciated. And that’s also when it’s most important, as long as you’re truly doing it because you want to see the relationship thrive.

IMG_5702

Talk Yourself Down

One of the first skills taught to infants is the ability to self-soothe. Revisit those lessons and talk yourself back from the edge. When cortisol and adrenaline are coursing through your body, you are literally unable to process and problem solve effectively. Recognize your (over)reactions and calm them.

IMG_5700

Engage in Life

When the situation becomes more chronic, we have a tendency to become stuck in anger. Allow life to be a distraction and a passion. Just like you don’t have to wait to live until you are healed, you don’t have to wait to live until the anger is gone. Jump head-first into things that bring you fulfillment and excitement. Besides, sometimes anger at our partner is really misplaced anger because we are not living our own lives fully.

IMG_5699

Refrain From Grasping

Sometimes, especially in those of us with abandonment issues, anger walks hand-in-hand with panic. It can lead to a crazy push-pull dance of “leave me alone, but don’t leave me.” Recognize if this is your response and learn to calm your anxiety before it controls you.

IMG_5698

Give Space, Not Distance

When anger sparks, the flames jump from one body to the next when they are in proximity. As a result, it can be helpful to give (and receive) space when anger is present. Be careful, however. There is a difference between space and distance. Space says, “I’m still here with you and for you. I may not be by your side physically, but we are still in this together.” In contrast, distance declares, “I’m out. I’m done.” Space gives both people room to breathe, whereas distance sucks the life out of the relationship. 

IMG_5697

Explore Your Triggers

Often what we’re angry at is not what we think we are angry at. Take the time to explore your triggers with an open mind. Follow the threads of the anger and see where they lead. Their roots are often in the past and often not related to the current partner. Make sure that you’re not blasting the current relationship with flames from an old one.

IMG_5696

Burn the Scorecard

Nothing fuels a fight (or degrades a relationship) like scorekeeping. It pits you against each other instead of for the marriage. Burn (metaphorically, I assume) any used scorecards and refuse to partake in any future scorekeeping. Use strategies to evict any thoughts of tit for tat from your mind. Because if you keep score, it’s your relationship that loses.

IMG_5701

Sleep

We’re often told to “never go to bed angry.” Yet sometimes sleep is exactly what we need to provide rest and perspective. So, sleep. And count to ten while you’re counting sheep.

IMG_5695

Assume the Best

When we’re angry, we often jump to conclusions and anticipate responses before we hear them. We construct a narrative that feeds the anger and assumes the worst. Turn it around. Instead of assuming the the worst, try assuming the best. It’s still based on your expectations (and so may be false), but it primes the pump for a better experience.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

IMG_5705

Assume He/She Wants the Best For You

And while you’re busy assuming, go ahead and assume that your partner wants what’s best for you. Even if he/she isn’t always great at showing or expressing it. After all, wouldn’t you want them to do the same for you?

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I became a bit incredulous yesterday when a woman on Twitter proclaimed that her marriage was “perfect” once she found a compatible partner. You see, not only do I not believe in perfection (except in the obvious exception of the first sip of hot coffee on a cold morning), I don’t trust it.

Sometimes perfection is a cover.

In many ways, my first marriage was perfect: we rarely disagreed, we shared many views and ideas and we worked together seamlessly. But underneath that facade was a husband who was playing a role and a wife too afraid to turn on the stage lights.

Sometimes perfection is a phase.

In the early stages of a relationship, it is completely normal to place your partner on a pedestal and to casually whitewash over any red flags (or even areas of discord). It’s easy to be perfect when reality hasn’t had time to intrude upon fantasy.

Sometimes perfection is boring.

There’s a reason that artists add a jarring element to their work and writers give their protagonists a flaw. Perfection isn’t interesting. It doesn’t hold our attention or stimulate our thoughts. It demands nothing of us and offers little contrast to prompt gratitude and attention.

And sometimes perfection is protection.

It’s scary to truly accept your partner as an individual with his or her own views, perceptions and decisions. It’s terrifying to see that no marriage, no matter how seemingly perfect, is infallible. It’s much nicer to see your vessel as sink-proof rather than acknowledge the weakness inherent in its construction.

Perfection is illusion.

None of us are perfect in our own right. And when you join two together in a day-to-day venture with long-reaching goals? That imperfection can easily be amplified. Marriage is not a fairy tale. Happily ever after is not a conclusion; it is a choice.

Relationships are not easy.

But that doesn’t mean that they should be a source of constant struggle or endless fear.

There is a wide span between dysfunctional and perfect.

A world between bad and flawless.

Aim to be there.

Finding a compatible (and healthy) partner is important.

But that’s not the end game.

It’s just the beginning of a relationship that requires intention, attention and adaptation.

I don’t want a perfect marriage.

I want a marriage that encourages two imperfect people to become better.

I don’t want a husband that always agrees with me.

Sure, it’s nice to hear that you’re right. It’s validating to have somebody echo your perspectives and pat you on the back for your insight. But it’s also limiting. If you surround yourself with “yes men,” you will never have your assumptions challenged or be forced to confront your own incorrect beliefs and conclusions.

I want to be called out on my B.S. Not because it feels good, but because it forces me to face it. I want to have to defend my thoughts. Not because I always seek debate, but because it requires that I think about a topic rationally and thoroughly. I want to hear other perspectives. Not because I always agree, but because seeing all sides of a thing adds to understanding.

I want a husband that always believes in me.

Although I don’t want a husband that is a sycophantic parrot who agrees with my every utterance, I do want a spouse that believes in me. That sees my potential even when he disagrees with my approach. That trusts that my intentions are sound even when my tactics may be less than ideal. That sees past the noise of the moment and sees the person beneath.

I want a husband that believes in me even though I am far from perfect and that believes in our marriage even when that marriage requires work.

I don’t want a partner to complete me.

I am whole on my own, thank you very much. One of the ironies of a good relationship is that it starts when neither partner needs the other. I’ve lived the life where I experienced a constant fear of losing my spouse. And I don’t want to ever live that again.

I don’t want a person that molds to my every weakness, filling in the areas where I lack. I don’t want somebody that always takes over when I am lacking, shifting all of the burden onto his shoulders. I don’t want dependence. I want interdependence.

I want a partner that complements me.

I want a partner who shares a life vision and philosophy with me. Who has the same overall goals even when the approach may differ. I want my husband to model ways of improving my weaknesses and act as a cheerleader and coach to help me strengthen those areas. I want to do the same for my spouse, not enabling but encouraging.

I want a partner that does the jobs I don’t enjoy or that don’t match my skills. But I also want my partner to teach me how to do them. Even if I never excel, at least I know that I am capable.

I don’t want a relationship that always makes me feel comfortable.

It’s nice to be comfortable. There’s a reason most of us live in conditioned spaces furnished with upholstered pieces. It’s relaxing. But it’s also limiting. Because when you are too comfortable, you become afraid of change.

And change is inevitable.

Growth is optional.

Our adult relationships are often the place where we play out and hopefully resolve the wounds of our childhoods. Common themes of abandonment, codependency and addiction often follow us into our marriages, forcing us to confront uncomfortable truths.

We don’t learn when we’re comfortable. But we also don’t learn when we’re panicked.

I want a relationship that makes me feel safe.

I want a relationship where I feel safe. Not just physically, but emotionally. Where I feel like I won’t be shunned for stating my feelings and I feel able to express my emotions. Where it is understood that a disagreement does not mark the end and that a different view does not represent a different intention.

I want a relationship that may not always be the upholstered chair but that is always a sanctuary to return to. Where I know I’m okay even though I may be a little uncomfortable.

I don’t want a partnership where I never have to compromise my choices.

It’s unrealistic to believe that two people can coexist without some compromise. Whether it be the color on the walls or the number of children, there will be times when one or both partners have to adjust their desires. When the good of the marriage is more important than the good of the individual.

I want a partnership where sometimes my spouse caves in to my desires. And when sometimes I have to subdue mine for his sake. Part of playing nicely is learning how to share.

I want a partnership where I never compromise my core self and values.

But I also want a partnership where I feel at peace and connected to myself. Where I hold true to my values and basic beliefs. Where I am not lost under the weight of the marriage, but serve as one of the foundations of it.

I don’t want a marriage that is perfect.

I don’t want a perfect marriage. A perfect marriage doesn’t have the ability to grow and change as life changes around it. It doesn’t serve to challenge its participants and teach them how to improve. A perfect marriage is a risky marriage; there is no practice in facing adversity from within. When a perfect marriage fails to be perfect, it fails.

I want a marriage that accepts imperfections and grows and adapts. And that encourages me to do the same.

I want a marriage that accepts me as I am. I want a marriage that challenges me. I want a marriage that is exciting and a little uncertain. I want a marriage that requires attention to grow. I want a marriage that looks different in ten years than it does today. I want a marriage that adapts and keeps me on my toes.

I want a marriage that is real.

And real is rarely perfect.

As for the woman on Twitter with the perfect marriage?

I ended the conversation by saying that I am happy for her.

And I am.

I just hope that she doesn’t get cut too deeply if that perfections shatters.

The Ex Purge: How to Break Up in the Digital Age

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the moment I came home to my husband’s cleaned-out office and a typed letter on the kitchen island, I became a certified professional level cyber stalker. I used Google Earth to get a bird’s eye view of the home he was staying in with his other wife. I learned her school and employment history. I discovered where she grew up and I even found her sister’s name. I compulsively read her blog, where I found pictures of her and mentions of my, I mean our, husband. I even had to endure a description of them showering with monkeys on a trip to Uganda shortly before the court date for the divorce. As I read about their seemingly happy travels, I couldn’t help but wish they encountered monkeys throwing poo.

Fifty years ago, if a spouse disappeared, they disappeared. There were no options for information short of hiring a private investigator. But today, we can all be P.I.s with nothing more than a phone. It’s a bit scary when so much information is available so easily.

I was obsessed. Driven. Once I started looking, I couldn’t stop. Each new image or tidbit of information made me feel ill.

But the sad part? The part that kept me going? It also gave me a thrill. Not in a good way, but in an addiction-feeding way. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. Chasing the dragon of information into a rabbit’s hole of social media. With each click, I felt worse and yet somehow I expected the next click to make me feel better.

But it never did.

Instead, all it did was drive my addiction for information.

I felt like I needed to know what he was doing and where he was. Part of it was learning to let go of him; for 16 years, I always knew (or at least thought I knew) where he was. It took time to adjust to no longer needing to know about his life. Part of it was driven by the divorce process; evidence of his whereabouts and activities were fed to the lawyers to bolster the case and refute his outrageous claims. And part of it was that I hoping to find some sign that he was not happy. That he regretted his decision. I wanted some sign that he missed me.

And I never did.

I knew that this obsession wasn’t healthy. I could feel the itch growing stronger with each scratch, worrying the wounds open and allowing them to fester. In the weeks leading up to court date, the behavior grew along with my anxiety about the possibility of seeing him again and of the outcome of the court’s decisions. I was consumed and it was eating me alive.

So I decided to fight back. I set a date – March 12, the day after the court appearance – as the last time I would ever look for information on him again. On that morning, still riding high from the relief of the conclusion of the legal process, I checked the wife’s blog one more time. She didn’t mention her husband’s divorce. I wasn’t surprised. I closed the window, cleared the search memory on my computer and packed away all of the papers around my desk that held the results of my searches. It felt a little scary, cutting that last tie. But I felt in control again.

I was done; I would never look again.

And I stuck to it, resisting the urge even when I learned information from a television producer that made it sound as though he had new charges pending. I didn’t dig when Jeff Probst informed me about the felony warrant. And I didn’t even think about talking to Google when I saw him two years ago at a local festival.

It was a complete and total ban. A self-imposed safe-search filter that has no work-around.

Want to institute a similar ban yourself? Here are some suggestions:

Be Firm

This is no time for moderation. Facebook posts are not like food; you can survive without them. This is all or none. Commit to none.

Put It In Writing

Write down your conviction. It helps to make it more real and makes it a little more difficult for your brain to try to justify “just one click.” In the beginning, make sure a written version of your ban is visible. You can even change your wallpaper on your devices to a reminder to stay safely away from that rabbit hole.

Dig Into the Why

Explore, preferably in writing, why you feel the need to view these pictures and read this information. What do you gain from it? How does it make you feel?

Enlist Others

It’s difficult not to turn to your preferred search engine when you hear a tantalizing piece of gossip from somebody about your ex. So, ask them to help you stay clean. Explain what you’re doing (and maybe add a dash of why you’re doing it) and request that they not pass along any information to you.

Watch the Precursors

Be mindful of the times and/or situations that make you more prone to initiating a search. Is it when you’re lonely? Bored? Facing an anniversary? Prepare a change of venue or activity ahead of time that can be implemented during those dangerous times. For example, I knew that I was more inclined to look when I was feeling anxious. So, I would go for a run (sans phone) whenever my nerves were singing.

Understand the Limitations

Social media is a Photoshopped version of real life. You’re seeing what people want you to see; not the reality of the totality of their lives. When you are concluding that your ex is over the moon because of a particularly sappy photo, you’re doing the same thing as a teenage girl comparing herself to an edited supermodel. It’s not real. Don’t spend your days contrasting your real life with a fantasy.

Verbalize Your Urges

When you feel the urge to look, say it out loud. Yes, you’ll feel silly. That’s partly the point. When you verbalize your drive, you are pulling it into your conscious mind where you have more control over what you do with it.

Remove the Triggers

Clear your history. Unfriend as needed. Remove associated reminders from your surroundings. Do everything you can to avoid seeing anything that opens that door.

Plan Alternatives

Sometimes the drive to look becomes so powerful that it demands action. So have an alternative lined up. What will you do when the pull becomes too great to resist?

Use Technology

There are countless apps and programs that deny you access to your social media accounts for a set period of time. These can be useful when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.

Create a Virtual Hug

Surround yourself with images from your life that make you feel happy and hopeful.

Prepare for Slip-Ups

You may fall off the wagon. That’s okay. Plan ahead to make sure you don’t stay off. If you start looking, set a timer. When it goes off, you’re done. After a cyber-stalking binge, go on a technology diet, restricting your access until you feel at peace again. Have a “sponsor” at the ready, a friend who knows of your plan and is supportive. Reach out when you need to borrow somebody else’s will power.

Like with anything, removing your ex from your digital life becomes easier with time. And as the urges fade, it’s replaced with peace. You no longer what he or she is up to. And you no longer care.

Because you’re too busy creating your life.

Related: What Happens to the Ones Who Leave?

farewell-20196_1280

7 Reasons Discovering Your Ex is Getting Married is the Worst (and 7 Reasons It’s Not)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ex married

So you’re ex is getting married…

At some point, most people who have been through a divorce or major break-up discover that their ex is getting married (or recently wed). Whether the news comes via an innocuous Facebook share or through a wedding invitation in the mail, the information is likely a shock. You may find that you are surprised at the depth of your reaction. You rationalize that you shouldn’t care. But your heart isn’t listening.

You’re not crazy. And you’re not overreacting.

But you also don’t have to allow the news to derail you. At least not for long.

Here are 7 reasons that the news of your ex’s nuptials are hitting you hard. And 7 reasons that it’s not so bad.

It’s Really and Truly Over

You already knew it was over. Now you KNOW it’s over. In some deep, dark recesses of your mind, you may have been harboring dreams of reuniting and returning to the halcyon days. And those “I dos” act as a big, “I don’t” to any chances of rekindling your romance. It’s painful to face the finality of a relationship. Your ex getting married is the divorce equivalent of pulling the plug. There’s no going back.

However… This is really just perception. It was over before. The new marriage is separate from the end of your marriage. Don’t try to muddle them.

The Shock Stings

Even if you knew your ex was dating, the news of a wedding may come as a shock. And shock hurts worse because of the surprise. You’ve had time to process the end. You’ve been able to adapt to your life’s changes. And now this. At first, it may feel as though you’re back to square one as you struggle to come to terms with the new information.

However… shock fades. The surprise only lasts so long and once you have time to process this new information, its impact will lessen.

thrive ad

I’ve Been Replaced

The feeling of replacement is especially acute if the new spouse moved in to your ex’s life before the marriage ended. It’s so easy to become depressed over the feeling that he or she had some magic something that you did not. It’s hard not to compare and, in doing so, sell yourself short.

However… Remember that different does not mean better. Maybe the new partner has lower expectations of a spouse and will put up with behaviors that are unacceptable to you. Perhaps you were traded in for a younger model who will also be traded in when the body begins to sag. Worry less about the replacement and more about you. Besides, we all know original Coke was far superior to the new formula:)

Continue to read the rest.

Pages: 1 2