Discovering the infidelity is often only the first part of the pain. Often it is then followed by excuses and justifications. As though mere words can erase your agony and absolve the cheater of their guilt.
If you have been cheated on, these are some of the excuses you may hear and the real meaning that might be behind the offered justifications.
When it comes to looking for a partner, we are not all looking for the same things. Some gravitate towards outward beauty while others are more concerned with what is inside. Some prefer creative types and some fall for the pragmatic. One person’s tall drink of water is another person’s cold shower.
And that’s okay.
Yet even though we are all drawn to different people and attracted by different traits, there are five characteristics that are so critical that we not only should seek them out in others, we should also learn to cultivate them in ourselves and nurture them in our relationships.
These five characteristics form the basis for a successful marriage or remarriage:
Curiosity replaces judgment with wonder, assumptions with observations. When you’re curious about your partner, you ask before you reach conclusions and you listen to the responses with an open mind. When you’re curious about your world, you take in more and react less. Curiosity keeps you open and flexible, interested and interesting. It replaces the fear of uncertainty with the marvel of “what if?”
The relationship you have today will not be the same one you have next year. There will be different pressures, some lifted and some replaced. Your perspective will be altered, your mood perhaps as well. And in order for a relationship to navigate these changes, it must be adaptable and flexible. A marriage formed by interconnected moving parts that change and bend to the surrounding terrain instead of insisting upon a fixed rigidity. It’s easy to see responding to change as weak, when really it’s the adaptable who survive.
In a happy partnership, each person owns their own stuff. They’re not looking for a savior or for somebody to heal their past wounds. They are willing to admit what is theirs to carry and they learn how to shoulder their own load. When challenges come, they respond with rationality and ingenuity instead of blame or defensiveness. And they also don’t rely on their partners for the good times, understanding that their happiness is their own responsibility.
It’s just life. Nobody makes it out alive, so you may as well enjoy the journey. Seek out a partner that knows how to laugh. That can find the humor in the darkest of places and is able to share that light with others. Humor is an antidote for tedium, a balm for sadness and an extinguisher of frustration. Apply it liberally and often.
There will be hard days. There will be days that you wonder if it’s worth it. Days when you question your own spouse and your own judgment. Grit is the trait that makes you find a different way, try a little harder, put forth just a bit more effort. Tenacity provides the push when you’re afraid and the fuel when you’re just too tired to take one more step. A successful marriage has staying power not because of its perfection, but because of the persistence of its constituent parts.
And remember, it’s important to be what you want to attract. So before you berate someone for not having these characteristics, look at yourself first.
A successful marriage begins with you.
The anger bubbled to the surface, blistering under the broiler that was the financial mess my first husband gifted me in the divorce. Every month, as I struggled to make payments towards debt that he had accrued, my body would respond with a vicious energy and my mind would rail against the unfairness of it all.
That anger was poison roiling inside me, its caustic nature wearing away at me, in some ways causing even more damage than he had done with his reckless spending and deliberate betrayals.
Whenever somebody pointed out that my anger was only hurting me, I grew defensive and, yes, angry. “I’m justified to feel this way!” I would insist. “He did these things and left me to clean up his mess. It’s not fair!”
And I was right.
But so were they.
Read learn the questions I asked myself and the answers that helped released the anger.
The negotiations are made. The papers signed. If there are no kids, you’re assuming that you’ll never see your ex again. If there are children in the picture, you’re operating under the impression that the relationship will transition into a business-like one focused on transactions and consultation.
And all seems to be going to plan for a time. The interactions, if they happen at all, are either practical or still flavored from the bitter wash of divorce. Your ex is firmly your ex – over and done with.
And then you receive a text.
“Do you remember that time we rented that cabin up in the mountains? We never even made it into town, much less out of the bedroom. I miss you.”
And now you’re confused. This isn’t the same person that stonewalled you for years or seemed to be critical of your every move. This is the person you fell in love with.
Maybe the hurt and anger is still too strong and you refuse to reply to the foraging text. Or maybe the words bring up those early feelings for you as well and you text back, “I miss you too.” Only to berate yourself in the morning.
Once the divorce is final, some people embrace the role as ex, stepping back and staying back. While others, for a variety of reasons, are intent on coming back.
What makes these boomerang exes act the way they do? And how can you deal with their confusing and often unwanted attentions?
They Can’t Be Alone
Some exes hang around because they cannot stomach the thought of being alone. Maybe they’re insecure and gain confidence through their interactions with others or maybe they’re afraid to face the voices of truth that whisper to them at night. Regardless, you were their number one, their go-to and even after divorce, you still are.
This attention may feel flattering at first. Like they want you so much that they cannot let you go. But in time, it becomes stifling. Suffocating. Their need for attention speaking over your need to move on. You may even sense that it’s less about you and more about their fears. And you have no desire to continue to hold their hand when they’re frightened.
Before you can find distance from the ex who cannot be alone, you first have to accept that rescuing them is no longer your job (in fact, it never really was). They are an adult and are responsible for themselves and managing their own fears and challenges. Create boundaries, explicitly state the type and frequency of contact you are okay with. And then fill that line in the sand in with Quikrete.
Held By Habit
Even with the abrupt and brutal ending to my own marriage, I still had to fight the urge to call or text my ex impulsively when I saw or experienced something that I normally would have shared with him. Habit is a powerful force and when we’ve spent a large percentage of a lifetime with somebody, it takes time for those habits to be replaced.
I think we all have those natural impulses after the demise of a long relationship. Just some are better at resisting the call than others. If you suspect your ex is hanging around out of habit, try being patient. Time is really on your side here as new patterns emerge and become engrained.
If their impromptu communications unsettle you, do what you need to on your side to create a little distance – send their emails to the junk folder, silence their phone calls or hide behind the sofa when the doorbell rings. If their attempts at connection are not met, their habits will be unrewarded and they will soon move on.
Seeking to Control
Not all contact is as innocuous as that propelled by habit. Some exes stay in the picture because they cannot tolerate the idea that you will undertake a life without their influence. They attempt to stay in your circle so that they can continue to manipulate your surroundings.
These exes will probe you for information. They may deliver advice, pretending to be helpful, while steering you in a direction that is advantageous to them. They will try to impose limits and bans on your post-divorce life, painting the unreasonable as reasonable.
Dealing with the manipulative ex takes a firm and steady hand. Be resolute in your boundaries and be ready to take blocking them to the extreme. If needed, seek legal counsel about your rights and responsibilities so that you are not help hostage by your exes accusations and claims. And then go as “no contact” as you can.
Tempted by Curiosity
It’s strange when you go from knowing so much about someone to knowing so little. And it’s natural to be curious about what is happening in their world now that you are no longer a part of it. This ex approaches the periphery. They are not looking to become part of your life again, they simply want to see your Facebook feed.
If you’ve already found emotional distance, this ex is harmless. If, however, you’re still pulled emotionally by their presense, this contact can be an emotional roller coaster for you. If you can’t handle contact yet, let them know you need space. And then take it. No apologies needed.
They Want Action
It can be awkward (to say the least) to first get physically intimate with somebody other than your former spouse. And some choose to avoid this situation for as long as possible by viewing their former partner as an ex with benefits. It’s completely normal to still find yourself attracted to your ex and fall back into bed.
Yet just because it’s a normal impulse, doesn’t mean that it’s the best one for you. Continuing to have a physical relationship with your ex makes it more difficult to let go. Remind yourself of your big-picture goals. Is 20 minutes of pleasure really worth sacrificing what you really want?
Even worse is when the advances are unwanted, when your ex has become the creeper whose interest you’re trying to avoid. This is another case for distance and firm boudaries. Avoid being alone with your ex and limit your in-person contact.
Prompted by Change
Sometimes the boomerang ex only returns after a protacted time away. And sometimes this return is prompted by internal or external change. You hear of former spouses reconiling after one has learned of a fatal diagnosis. Or after some event occurs than affects – and reunites – them both.
Perhaps life has continued to be a learning process and they now have evolved to a place where they want to try again. Or maybe they’re finally realizing that they made a mistake and they’re looking to correct it.
Sometimes this return is welcomed and is the beginning of a second phase. And sometimes you’ve already moved on to the point of no return (and no interest). If this is the case, decide if you want to aim for friendship or if you would prefer for them to remain in your past. No matter your decision, be compassionate here. People change and the person approaching you now may no longer be the same one that hurt you all those years ago.
When you have a boomerang ex, there are two questions you must ask youself –
1 – What do they have to gain from the repeated bids for attention?
2 – What do you want to do about it?
Answer those two questions and you will either decide to hold them at arm’s length or welcome them back with open arms.
I could feel it starting to rise in my belly like a yeasty dough set upon a counter in the sun. My reaction was stronger than the action which prompted it, a sure sign that there was more beneath the surface.
Last fall, I had reached the conclusion that we would not be doing any winter trips this year for a variety of reasons. When I mentioned this to my husband, he brought up the possibility of doing a ski trip in February.
And there is where the roads diverged. In his extroverted way, he was talking through options. In my, “I don’t say it until I know it to be true” manner, those words were gospel. Especially because I’m dire need of a smile on the calendar as well as a few days away.
And when I found out that his work schedule would not allow for the trip, I was devastated. The building anticipation squashed flat, oozing acrid emotions. Part of this was a natural reaction to disappointment.
But there’s more to it. In my former life, I put too much on hold – work now, play later executed to perfection. Only there was nothing good about it. Furthermore, betrayal has this weird trick it plays on you. Disappointment is misread as a breach of trust, a failing to follow through. So my response to the wet towel thrown on my hopes was out of proportion to the event.
I threw a pity party for evening, partially fueled by hearing about other’s trips and seeing spectacular vacation photos on Facebook. I allowed myself to become frustrated with the differences my husband and I have in our pull towards travel. And that’s when the resentment began to grow in my belly, a nascent being that, if nurtured, would soon have a mind of its own.
So I worked to starve the budding grudge, to commit to finding a way to travel regardless. I tried on a few options, but nothing seemed to fit both my mood and my budget. And then, upon entering my yoga studio the other day, I saw a posting for an upcoming weekend yoga retreat, scheduled just a couple weeks after the hoped-for ski trip.
I smiled. This felt right.
The irritation and dismay were immediately replaced with excitement.
And a conviction that I WILL travel. I will be pleasantly surprised when that can happen with my husband, but I will not assume (nor wait on) that possibility. Because putting your life on hold while waiting on another is a sure-fire way to fuel resentment.
We have a tendency to lay blame for our resentment at the feet of another. We claim to feel that way due to another’s actions or inactions. But the funny thing about resentment is that it is less a response to another and more a response to ourselves.
Resentment happens when we allow ourselves to get caught up in somebody else’s web. It grows when we operate under the assumption that another is responsible for our well-being. It spikes when we permit others to cross our boundaries or when we neglect to erect boundaries at all. We set the stage for resentment when we do something for another with the anticipation of reward or gratitude. And it feeds upon our own dissatisfaction with our own choices.
And resentment is poison ivy in a relationship. Once allowed to root, it becomes almost impossible to fully eradicate. It’s best to pull it out by the roots while it is still tender and unformed.
Resentment is a sign that you’ve shifted responsibility to another person’s shoulders. In order to release the acrimony, take back your own power.
How it presents: “I’m tired on waiting on them to make up their mind or move forward on some promised action.”
What it means: “I’m waiting on them to decide my life so that I don’t have to face the responsibility of the outcome.”
How to neutralize: When possible, choose to move forward regardless of their participation. You do you and they’ll either decide to get going or they’ll stay behind. The resentment builds when you feel as though you’re sacrificing and sacrificing for some promised,but as yet unseen, action. So focus on making conscious choices and compromises rather than sacrifices.
If you truly are stuck waiting (which happens way less often than we believe), ensure that waiting is not all you’re doing. Fill your space with as much life as you can while you are on hold.
How it presents: “This is not what I signed up for.”
What it means: “I’m having trouble adjusting to this new life script and dealing with the change.”
How to neutralize: Life is a series of readjustments. And change is hard. Sometimes very hard. When the change presents itself in a person or relationship, we can grow resentful because it requires adaptation on our part. Yet, that’s life no matter who we surround ourselves with.
Strive to eliminate the daydreams of, “what if.” Life is not a choose your own adventure book. Once some choices are made, you cannot merely turn back a page and make a new one. Work from where you are.
When presented with change, we can adapt or we can dig in our heels and refuse to accept what we’re facing. Guess which one breeds resentment?
How it presents: “I’m putting in more effort than you are.”
What it means: “I’m struggling to set and enforce boundaries about what I am and am not willing to tolerate.”
How to neutralize: First, be honest with yourself. Are you attracted to people who depend upon you? Do you willingly take up the role of caretaker in the beginning only to become resentful as fatigue sets in? That’s coming from fear, a fear of being alone or of being dispensable.
It is your responsibility to identify, communicate and enforce your boundaries. You can’t get upset when their crossed if they’re constructed merely of whispered wishes. When you hold to your beliefs and borders, you won’t have the emotional response to any transgressions.
Remember this – it’s not fair to get angry at someone for taking what you’re freely giving by putting other’s needs above your own.
How it presents: “I’m tired of being the ‘bad guy’ or the responsible one.”
What it means: “I’ve learned somewhere along the way that I am supposed to take on the heavy lifting.”
How to neutralize: This is one of those roles us Type A super-responsible people tend to end up in. We’ve learned (usually in childhood) that it’s our job to take care of things. And then, as adults, we’re often attracted to people that are more carefree in order to balance our sensible natures. And then we grow resentful for the very thing that attracted us in the beginning.
By all means, communicate your needs. Explain your nature and express what you would like to see from them. At the same time, accept that you picked them as they are and they are not yours to change.
Try taking two steps towards the center. Let some things go. Release some of the responsibility. The other person may pick up the slack. Or they may not. But you also may be amazed at how much you can let go of and the world will still go on.
How it presents: “I resent them putting more time, energy and attention in other directions.”
What it means: “I’m feeling unbalanced and unappreciated.”
How to neutralize: When our lives are full, we have little energy or care about what others are doing. It is only when we face some void that we concern ourselves with the plates of others. So start by filling your own plate. Put your time, energy and attention into something other than the lack of time, energy and attention they’re directing towards you.
Identify why you’re feeling unappreciated. Are you performing with the hope of reward and you’re upset when it doesn’t materialize? Are you biting your tongue until it bleeds and allowing your anger to bloom? Are you not recognizing the signs of appreciation when they are presented? If you are being taken advantage of, seek to understand why you’re allowing that to happen.
How it presents: “I feel jealous and bitter about their life and options.”
What it means: “I’m feeling unfulfilled and stuck in my own life.”
How to neutralize: We are at our unhappiest when we compare ourselves to others. We try to measure life against life as though they are calculated in some standard unit. But that’s a false reading. Each life has its own treasures and its own tarnish. And they don’t easily match up.
When resentment anchored in envy presents, turn your energy away from the object of your ire and into yourself. Where are you feeling stuck? Are you feeling afraid to make the necessary changes to get to where you want to go? It’s amazing how often we covet what we’re afraid to seek on our own. Rather than resent them for what they have, be brave enough to seek what you want.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 