Planning a Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Wedding Photos

I visited my local Starbucks the other day to enjoy some coffee and free Wi-Fi. I was engaged in relatively simple research, so I let my ears wander to the conversations around me. One in particular caught my attention, as it pertained to my current status as a bride-to-be. There was a large group at the table across from me — a young engaged couple, parents, wedding planners (yes, plural) and a priest. The plans they were making were as detailed and complex as those made for a presidential inauguration.

We hear so much about wedding planning. There are entire industries built around helping the couple carry out their “perfect day.” It’s easy to get carried away in the romance and the idea that a single ceremony represents the entirety of a relationship. It’s easy to confuse the ability to control the details of a day with the potential for controlling an entire life. It may be easy, but like the eyes of the audience at a magic show, it is attention focused in the wrong direction. Wedding days should be special; it is a time to celebrate your bond and make a public declaration of your relationship. However, don’t be so busy planning your wedding that you neglect to plan your marriage. Here are a few things to keep in mind for your Big Day, and the days (and years) after you say “I do.”

Read the rest on the Huffington Post.

Them’s the Rules – A Blogging Year in Review

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am a rule follower in most areas of my life. But not in the blogging world. I don’t proofread (and I make lots of typos!:) ). I fail to spend time formatting pictures. And I’ll post multiple times in a day. Furthermore, I am absolutely horrendous at following the guidelines for awards (although I am eternally grateful to those of you who have graciously sent them my way). However,  there is one blogging tradition that I feel like I just have to honor – the year in recap, especially since the one year anniversary of my blog coincides with the conclusion of 2012.

So, here goes – a look back at Lessons From the End of a Marriage 2012. I apologize in advance if I get this wrong. Again, I don’t follow the blogging rules so well:)

The Beginning

Last December, I spent some time with my friend Christian. I showed him the outline of the book which I had started two years prior and had just committed to finishing. He recommended that I start a blog as a way of pre-marketing the book. I knew nothing about blogging, so I downloaded two Kindle books on the subject – one free and one $.99 – and I set up my WordPress site that afternoon. I set a goal of posting at least three times a week, but I was intimidated by the thought of coming up with that many ideas.

I didn’t need to worry. The ideas just began to flow and I found myself posting daily. I found a rhythm of writing in the mornings and jotting down ideas throughout the day in a small spiral notebook I kept in my purse (no iPhone yet:) ). I started following other blogs and found myself pleasantly surprised at the supportive WordPress community. I was still working on the book and the blog was a great place to explore ideas and solidify the themes.

I experimented with Facebook and Twitter and tweaked my blog settings. I never really knew what I was doing; I simply did what felt right in the moment. Looking back, some of the posts makes me giggle and some make me cringe. But I’ll leave them – they are part of the history.

I learned the humor inherent in seeing how people found my site. My favorite search terms?

  • lisa arends bigamy (This one always makes me giggle. I’m not the bigamist! 🙂 )
  • monkey lifting weights (because of this post)
  • shaved monkey (that would be this one – I guess my monkey mind titles are a little strange:))
  • how to get away with bigamy (please – just say no!)
  • happy birthday to my car (I felt weird when I wrote that title, but I guess I’m not the only one)
  • goddess flexibility pics (uhmm…thanks but I’m no goddess and I’m not very flexible)
  • math show sole (????)
  • squish bikini (eww! there is a pic on here of me in a bikini, but I don’t consider myself to be super squishy)
  • crying is okay here (yes it is)
  • the joy of outdoor showering (I know I love it)
  • who did mrs wayne dyer marry (I would hope Mr. Wayne Dyer)

I went into blogging with the idea of promoting a book. I had no idea that it (and writing) would become an inherent part of my life.

Key posts:

How it Began

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

The Garden

Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Seperated

10 Things My Vibrams Taught Me About Relationships

The Importance of Love Mentors

The Blame Game

Rebooting: Are You in Safe Mode?

Taming the Monkey Mind

Goal Post

I Was Lucky

Two Years Ago Today

You Make Me Happy

What Set Theory Can Teach Us About Marriage

The Big Time

As I made my way into the blogging world, I found myself commenting on sites all over the net. Huffington Post was a frequent visit of mine and I often found that the articles in their “divorce” section spurred my own ideas, which I frequently left on their page. Then, in April, much to my surprise, I was asked to write a piece for them sharing my story.

And, oh what a ride that was. The piece went viral, sending over 20,000 visitors to my site in two days. It was cross-posted around the world in a variety of languages. The comments poured in. Most were shocked. Many were supportive. And some were hateful.

It was a strange feeling. Until that point, I had a relatively small and insular group of readers. I had kept my name hidden (thus stilllearning2b). My readers were supportive and understanding. The readers of Huff Post? Not so much. This was a crossroads for me – I had to decide if I wanted to pull back or go full force with my story, not knowing what the repercussions would be and having to thicken my skin in the process.

I think my choice is evident. I remembered my motivation to share in the first place – I didn’t want anyone to feel alone in their journey as I once did. I kept writing, adding more Huffington pieces and adding MindBodyGreen and others to the list.

Key Posts:

Check Out My Article in the Huffington Post!

Signs in the Rearview Mirror

Reaction

Strange Place to Be

Tsunami Divorce

8 Ways Yoga Supported Me Through Divorce

Have You Taken Out Your Mental Garbage?

The Long Con

Getting Away With Bigamy

The Book

By the end of July, the book was finally finished and ready to be published. I wondered if I would still feel the compulsion to write now that the project was complete. Again, I had nothing to worry about.

This period was when I really began to identify as a writer. I decided to be transparent in the process and share my story of self-publishing and writing for Huffington Post. The completion of the book also put me in a different place emotionally, and my posts began to focus more on present day rather than with wrestling demons from the past.

Key Posts:

When Can I Call Myself a Writer?

Adventures in Publishing

Adventures in Publishing, Part II

From Victim to Victory

How to Become a Huffington Post Blogger

Welcoming the End of an Era

Write Yourself Through Divorce

Beyond Belief

Things exploded in the early fall. Another Huffington article went viral and I began to be contacted almost daily by producers. Most offers fell flat for one reason or another, but The Jeff Probst Show became a reality in September. It. Was. Surreal.

I had already exposed my identity to the internet, but now my “teacher persona” and “blogger persona” met for the first time. My coworkers read my book and approached me in the halls, giving me sympathetic hugs. My student’s parents sent me encouraging emails and engaged in whispered conversations at school events.

My little blog project wasn’t so little any more and it had grown well beyond what I could control. There was some anxiety associated with being so “out there.” It’s not always easy to have strangers comment on your life, your feelings and your actions.

Key Posts:

Time Travel

If You Missed the Show

My Motivation

Who Is He?

Lisa Arends on The Moffett Message

Marital Fraud: Questions Answered

The Blessings

I keep coming back to this. Every time I ponder pulling back, I receive an email or comment that helps me recommit to sharing. I have been so touched, so humbled and so inspired by the messages I receive or the posts I read from others who are surviving their own tsunamis. Additionally, I have found that writing reminds me of what I have in my life; it makes me grateful for what is rather than bitter for what was lost. I no longer feel alone. I am amazed at the supportive community that is all around us if we are willing to be vulnerable and show our pain. You guys are awesome:)

Key Posts:

Extend a Hand

Marathon Recap: I Won

Forgiveness 101

Quitting vs Letting Go

This is a Test of the Emergency Rant System

Practicing What I Preach

Love After Divorce: A Reflection on a Journey

I am a planner by nature. It is somewhat uncomfortable for me to accept that I don’t know what 2013 will bring. So here’s to letting go of expectations, staying in the moment, practicing gratitude and sharing the love:) I wish all of you the happiest of new years!

Why I Never Want to Get REmarried

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Marriage
Marriage (Photo credit: auddess)

Remarriage

I recently met a fellow divorcee and runner over breakfast in a hotel lobby. We bonded over talk about our respective divorces and our motivations to run the race we had both completed the previous morning. Eventually, she asked the inevitable question: “Do you want to get remarried?”

I bristled. Read the rest on the Huffington Post.

Marital Fraud: Questions Answered

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My recent Huffington Post piece, It’s Not Fraud If You’re Married has generated some interesting and thoughtful questions. Here are the answers to some of them. It may make you think about your own situation.

Why don’t I take him to court to make him pay?

That’s a whole essay! Read it here: Why I Choose Not to Play Criminal Pursuit

Did we communicate about money?

My ex and I had discussions about finances (both the current state and goals) all of the time. It turns out; however, that he was feeding me lies, at least in the last several years of the marriage. I never had reason to doubt him and I saw occasional documents (now I know they were manufactured…did I mention he did graphics for a living?) that supported his claims. We had an agreement that any purchase above $100 had to be discussed with the other. I upheld my end of that bargain.

Did we live above our means?

Not even close! I drive an almost fourteen year car that I bought new in 1999 for $18,000. Until I received an iPhone last spring, I had a Nokia flip phone. Our house was cheap for the area ($130,000) and we put a substantial amount down. By the time he left, our combined monthly income was almost $6,000 after taxes and we only needed about $2,500 to live. Now, all of that being said, he did start to develop more expensive tastes. He purchased a 2005 Toyota 4-Runner (not the cheapest vehicle, but still a practical one for us), Kindle, and was on his 2nd iPhone. Of course, that was the stuff I knew about…

Where did the money go?

If you find out, please let me know! I have no idea where the money went. I discovered some purchases after he left, but they were rather small ( a videogame system, an additional bike). I also learned of trips and dinners/drinks out. But still, it doesn’t account for the copious sums he managed to make disappear (he could give David Copperfield a run for his money!). I could only track the money so far because it went into accounts that I did not have access to or was withdrawn as cash. Drugs? Gambling? A third wife? With this man, who knows? Yet another thing I have had to just let go of.

Why did he get the house?

He took out a home equity line without my knowledge. That meant that, at the time of the divorce, the house was worth what was owed on it. I had moved out of the house immediately and into a friend’s spare bedroom. I could not afford the house, literally or emotionally. It sat vacant during the 8 months of the divorce proceedings. I tried – through the lawyer layers – to convince him to sell the house. He did not cooperate. Then, he shocked us in court when he requested the house. He seemed to be under the delusion that it had equity. So, he got it. I guess he changed his mind once he realized it was a cash cow that he already bled.

Would a prenup have protected me?

Not really. All it would have been is another document stating that he owed me money. Civil cases take a certain amount of cooperation, regardless of prior agreements. I don’t think it would have made a difference at all to him.

Can’t he be jailed for contempt of court for not upholding the terms of the divorce decree?

Technically, yes. However, I would have to continue to push the system. And he would have to show up in court. There is a felony warrant out for his arrest. Last I knew, the IRS was trying to track him down. Do you really think he would show up at a hearing for not meeting terms of an agreement? Yeah, exactly. Plus, just to get to that point would cost me more money and steal more of my life away. No, thanks.

I realized soon after the divorce was final that I could either spend my life trying to punish him (and thus punishing myself in the process) or I could decide to live. I chose the latter.

For more information:

Who is He?

Where is He Now?

My Motivation

Accounting of Loss

And, to read about how I learned to love and trust again, check out my book, Lessons From the End of a Marriage.

Marital Fraud

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Money
Money (Photo credit: 401(K) 2012)

“It’s not fraud if you’re married,” the policeman said apologetically. As I registered his words, the enormity of what I was facing became clear.

My ex-husband and I first established a household together in our late teens. We came together with nothing. We opened up joint accounts and scrupulously managed every dime that came in from our low paying jobs. In those early years, we did all of the finances together, talking through options and discussing goals. Read the rest on the Huffington Post.

Or, you can also hear me talk about it on The Jeff Probst Show.