Gratitude Without the Bullsh*t

Gratitude.

It’s become quite the buzzword, hasn’t it. It’s right up there with kale and yoga in the perpetual quest for wellness and happiness.

We are told we should buy gratitude journals or download the latest app that will send us reminders that we should be grateful. Ads pop into our feeds with t-shirts emblazoned with, “Thankful, Grateful, Blessed.” And we hear everyone from scientists to pop stars lecture us about the importance of gratitude.

And some days we’re feeling it. The sun is shining and we actually have the bandwidth to appreciate it.

Other days?

The pressure to feel grateful just feels like one more burden and the inability to reach that goal simply feels like one more failure.

Which kinda defeats the purpose, doesn’t it?

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The problem with the constant push for gratitude is that it begins to feel forced. As inauthentic as a carefully posed and filtered Instagram image. We do it, but we don’t feel it. And even worse, when gratitude is feigned, we feel a dissonance as we deny what we are really feeling in the moment.

An intentional relationship with gratitude has been important in my healing process from my tsunami divorce. I’ve found a way that works for me to practice gratitude without feeling forced or denying that sometimes life is just hard. Maybe these strategies will work for you too.

Gratitude Without the Bullsh*t

1 – What Are You Looking Forward To?

I try to start every day with this question – “What are you looking forward to?” I take a moment and think about what is coming on that day as well as what is on my calendar for the coming weeks and months. Some of the anticipations are small – a cup of tea brewing on the counter, a pleasant weather forecast or wearing my favorite shirt. Others are more exciting, like an upcoming visit with friends or a planned trip.

When I find that I’m struggling to find things to look forward to, I make a concerted effort to schedule some smiles. Those are just as important to have on the calendar as any meetings or appointments.

There is a caveat to this strategy – you have to keep your expectations in check. There will be times when the looked-forward-to-thing doesn’t happen and if you’re too wedded to a particular outcome that is outside of your control, it’s easy to become disappointed or even defeated. The point of this exercise isn’t to place your happiness on a certain event, but rather to simply recognize that there are always good things on the horizon and to celebrate that excitement that comes with anticipation.

 

2 – Both And

When we suddenly lost our very special dog Tiger two years ago, it was very hard. The grief was intense and the loss overwhelming. My husband and I dedicated the weekend to remembering him and his impact on our lives. Interwoven with the grief was a gratitude that we had 8 years with this very special dog along with the awareness that the reason the pain was so great was because he was so great.

Finding gratitude through life’s hardest moments is powerful. But if artificially applied like a pigmented lacquer to try to hide peeling wood, it only leaves you feeling worse. It’s important to acknowledge the hard stuff, to be honest with yourself that sometimes life sucks and there are no silver linings.

And it’s also not allowing this great pain to block out all light, to eclipse all awareness of the joys in life. It’s not denying the loss; it’s feeling the loss and leaving room to see the joys. We cannot force ourselves to be grateful for everything, but we can also make an effort to keep our eyes open and look for the opportunities to be grateful.

 

3 – Reflect On the Totality

I start the day looking forward and I end the day looking back. I spend a few moments (and yes, with a gratitude journal) reflecting back on the day. I acknowledge those little moments to celebrate and I see if I can reframe any annoyances or struggles to see the other side.

Like many of you, my days are busy. Chaotic even. And I find it challenging to be too mindful during much of it as I focus on getting things done and meeting everyone’s needs. This time for reflection at the end of the day acts like a deep breath at the top of a hill where I look back on the path that brought me there, taking note of the moments of the journey.

 

4 – Give Yourself Permission to Have Bad Days

Guess what? You’re not always going to be grateful. There are going to be days (or weeks or even months) where you can’t see anything but the clouds. Times when the mere suggestion of gratitude feels like an unwanted embrace and leaves you feeling violated and coerced.

And that’s okay.

Bad days happen. 

Horrible days happen.

But you know what?

Good days and good moments within bad days happen too.

Gratitude is about seeing both.

 

 

Today, I’m Grateful

Today, I’m grateful for an amazing start to the new school year. My 8th graders threw me an incredible birthday surprise a few weeks back and each of them wrote me a special note. It took me days to read them because the tears kept flowing.IMG_E1011837700C-1

Today, I’m grateful for an amazing – and totally badass – husband. He competes in the Atlanta Open next weekend and in an NFC fight the following weekend, both as a BJJ black belt. But even more importantly, at home he always fights for his family.

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Today, I’m grateful for two weekends in a row spent with my dear friends. Yesterday we went apple picking. Despite the heat, we had a great time, with the highlight being the hilarious combination of animals in the petting zoo.

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Today, I’m grateful for the incredible community on Twitter that I’m honored to a part of. I love seeing people who have been hurt turning it around into something beautiful to share with the world.

Today, I’m grateful that my mom is about to embark on a trip that has great meaning to her. Despite her physical challenges, she has managed to keep traveling.

Today, I’m grateful for my health. After a scare a few weeks ago about a possible retinal detachment, my vision is slowly improving. I’m hopeful for good news from the doctor tomorrow.

Today, I’m grateful for an upcoming trip to the Keys with my husband. I love traveling with him and I’m looking forward to the forced downtime. I’m especially excited about the prospect of night kayaking.

Today, I’m grateful for family. I will get to see many of them in a couple weeks, including my grandmother who is now 100 years old and one of the wisest people I know. And the visit will be in Wisconsin, so even if fall is still on backorder in Atlanta, I’ll get to enjoy some cooler air.

Today, I’m grateful for my puppies. Kazh is healing after tearing off a nail and Emma (who makes bad decisions) is fine after going through the front window (for the third time). Snuggles with them are the best.

A Trip to Remember

The original forecast wasn’t that bad –  one night that would dip into the 20s and daytime highs in the 40s with clear skies and no chance of precipitation. Perfect camping and hiking weather.

But as we know, what we expect isn’t always what life delivers.

In this case, I think the computer that calculated the weather models had been hacked to try to cover up the fact that a mini polar vortex would be descending upon the North Georgia Mountains over Thanksgiving.

Hyperbole?

Possibly. Further study is needed.

Serene. No sign of what's to come.
Serene. No sign of what’s to come.

 

Our usual pattern with camping is to wake up around sunrise, build a fire to make the all important coffee and then hit the hiking trails around 9 am. We had a feeling Thursday wasn’t going to be usual when we woke up to the sounds of blustery winds and the sharp shrapnel of sleet pelting the skin of the tent. That, plus the fact that the bottle of water inside the text was frozen, were our first signs that the forecast was not going to be our reality.

It's a wonder the roof didn't collapse:)
It’s a wonder the roof didn’t collapse:)

 

After we unzipped the tent, Tiger ran off into the frozen tundra to do his business and then returned to the shelter of the portico, where even a nest made of blankets could not keep him from shivering. Brock started the fire while I worked to prep breakfast. Our eggs and potatoes were runny that morning, as the sleet added significantly to the water content during cooking. We inhaled them before they could freeze.

His highness's "seat" when the ground is cold.
His highness’s “seat” when the ground is cold.

Still unaware that the computer weather models were farcical, we consulted our apps and learned that the ominous clouds, gusting winds and frozen precipitation would exit stage left around 11. We decided to hole up in the tent until then before embarking on the shorter of our two planned hikes once the weather cleared. We burrowed back in our sleeping bags, tucked Tiger into his nest and turned on the electric heater while we read and played cards to pass the time.

Snug as a bug in a rug.
Snug as a bug in a rug.

As predicted, the skies cleared and the sleet assault abated. We donned our gear and set off on a four-mile hike through the Chattahoochee National Forest and around the base of Blood Mountain.

This is what it's all about:)
This is what it’s all about:)

I felt like I was in an arena designed for The Hunger Games; as soon as we set foot on the trail, the clouds moved back in and the sleet began again in earnest. Still, it felt wonderful to be outside in the fresh air and to stretch our limbs cramped from our hideout in the tent. Even Tiger stopped shaking as he ran a few paces ahead of us, nose to the ground in search of Sasquatch.

How can you not be happy in this?
How can you not be happy in this?

By the time we had climbed up and around and back down, the weather had shifted again. The wind took on a nasty bite and even though it was not even 2 pm, the sky was quickly growing dim. We consulted the weather wizards again – the predicted high of 34 now looked like a Bahama summer. We would soon be looking at 20s. Low 20s.

See? Polar vortex.
See? Polar vortex.

If it was just us, we would simply add more layers to the outfits (we already looked like the kid from A Christmas Story) and more logs to the fire. But it wasn’t just us and our big-in-surface-area and sparse-in-body-hair pit bull was cold despite his jacket and his sheltered nest. Very cold. And there’s nothing more pitiful than a miserable and shaking 100 pound pit bull.

I thought about trying to build a snowman.
I thought about trying to build a snowman.

So we made the decision to make dinner early before seeking shelter yet again in the tent. I think the food in the cooler was warmer than the food outside. I’m not sure what the freeze point of an avocado is, but we found it. Once all of our bellies were full of warmish food, we retreated to the big house. Where, apart from a few frantic bladder runs, we spent the next 16 hours.

I just bought this tent (Big Agnes Big House 6) to replace an old one. It was great - highly recommended!
I just bought this tent (Big Agnes Big House 6) to replace an old one. It was great – highly recommended!

It could have been a horrible trip. We saw more of the inside of the tent than we did of the woods. We were cold and shivering much of the time, as the temperature inside the tent fell into the 30s. We were sore, our muscles cramping from holding awkward positions for hours on end. And our dog kept giving us evil looks like a sullen teenager.

NOT a happy camper!
NOT a happy camper!

But despite all of that, we had a great time. There were no grumbles. No complaints. It was an adventure to be enjoyed and time to be shared.

The only camping trip where we gained ice!
The only camping trip where we gained ice!

 

But most of all, it makes it wonderful to come home and makes us so grateful for the little things in life –

The coffee that stays warm for more than 60 seconds.

The toilet seats than don’t feel like they’re performing cryotherapy butt removal.

The toothpaste that isn’t frozen into an unusable brick and requires hot stone massage to even budge.

The bedroom that doesn’t make you dream of the North Pole or deep space with its frigid temperatures.

And the clothes, that once washed of their smoke and soot, can be worn again in single layers like a weight loss before and after advertisement.

Even Tiger looked as though he no longer took his favored sleeping spot for granted as he melted into the pillows with a contented grunt.

When we come home, we are always thankful for what we have.

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When we drove home from the mountains yesterday, we passed miles of traffic queued the other direction for a large outlet mall. I just had to shake my head at the thousands of people lining up to buy more.

Because when it comes down to it, happiness is not about having what you want, it’s about wanting what you have.

And sometimes the best gift doesn’t come from the store. It comes in the form of a reminder to be thankful for what you already have around you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter to My Ex

Dear —–,

Fourteen years ago, I was preparing to marry you. I was so excited but, even more, I was so sure. Sure that we were so good together. Sure that we would continue to weather any storm. Sure that we would be together forever.

My belief in our marriage lasted until the day you left. I remember my shock, my disbelief so clearly. I couldn’t understand how you, my beloved husband, could do those things. Even now, four years later, I still don’t understand the choices you made. I suppose I never will.

In an instant, you went from the man I adored to a stranger I feared. In many ways, you have been dead to me since you left. I remember you as you were since I can’t comprehend what you’ve become. It’s almost as though you are two completely separate men to me — the one I was married to and the one who betrayed me. I just can’t understand how you could be both my protector and my persecutor.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

This is a Test of the Emergency Rant System

Emergency
Emergency (Photo credit: Terry Bain)

This is only a test. If this were a real rant, the computer would be out the window and my hands would be pummeling the heavy bag instead of the keyboard.

It is not fair.

It’s not fair that I am left cleaning up and facing the consequences of the enormous financial mess he left behind. I just found out today that it’s worse than I thought and I will be making payments on charges he ran up for the next few years. Every time I write that check, how do I keep from wondering what I’m paying for – women, booze, trips, gambling? What? When I tried to investigate the charges shortly after receiving the text, he changed the password while I was in the account. Covering tracks, I suppose.

The only reason he was on the card was so that he could handle the occasional phone calls needed for a dispute or issue since I couldn’t use the phone while teaching. Apparently he saw it – and me – as his personal ATM. I feel like I’m now paying penance for trusting him.

It is not fair.

I have worked so hard for so many years to try to get ahead. I gave up my intended career and over 100 college hours to follow him and support us while his employment was uncertain. I tutored for hours after school to make extra money to spend on trips or the hot tub we bought a year before he left. And after he left? I’ve had to be so careful with money. The lawyers, courts, and various other debts took my income that first year and made a significant dent the next two. I was just starting to breath, thinking I was making progress. But, no. Not yet. Even though he’s gone, he still manages to hurt me. It’s like the nightmare after the horror movie. I just want it to end.

It is not fair.

As far as I know, he continues to sidestep his responsibilities. They’re after him, but I don’t know if anything will ever come from it.

It is not fair.

But I’ll be okay.

Just like everything else, I’ll get through this. My marathon next week can be training for writing those damned checks. One check for every mile, perhaps. And when it’s done, it’s done. The end.

I’ll be okay.

My boyfriend’s response when I texted him the news today? “We will get through it together:).” Yes, we will. And, you know what? Coming home to a messy kitchen seems pretty silly compared to fraud.

I’ll be okay.

I’m lucky. I have it so much easier than divorced people with children to look out for. I have a solid career that gives me the ability to sign those accursed checks. This has an expiration date. I just wish I didn’t have to continue to hold on to the the soured milk.

I will be okay. I will end today grateful for what I have rather than cursing what was taken.

That is the conclusion of the test of our emergency rant system. We now resume our regular programming.

I Was Lucky

An Open Letter to the IRS

And, an update on the situation: Practicing What I Preach