Show Them the Door

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You find an uninvited man standing in your living room.

He’s not saying or doing anything.

Just standing there.

What do you do?

 

Do you pretend that there is no man standing in your living quarters as you go about your daily life denying that he is there?

Do you insist that there shouldn’t be a man there and persist in your assertions even as he stands there?

Do you try to convince yourself that there isn’t a man there, that maybe it’s just a trick of the light?

Do you talk yourself into believing that it’s not a man even if it looks and acts just like one?

Do you consciously ignore the man hoping that he will get the message and just go away?

Do you distract yourself from thinking about the man with an afternoon cocktail or endless work?

Do you attack the man in anger, trying to beat him into oblivion?

Or, do you approach the man and engage in conversation to determine who he is and what he wants?

 

Which approach do you think will lead to the most favorable outcome?

 

Now, go through that same exercise again only, this time, the man is your negative feelings – your pain, your anger, your shame, your guilt. He embodies it all.

Do you pretend that there are no feelings as you go about your daily life denying that they are there?

Do you insist that there shouldn’t be feelings there and persist in your assertions even as they stand there?

Do you try to convince yourself that there are no feelings there, that maybe it’s just a trick of the mind?

Do you talk yourself into believing that it’s not pain/anger/shame/guilt even if it looks and acts just like it?

Do you consciously ignore the feelings hoping that they will get the message and just go away?

Do you distract yourself from thinking about the feelings with an afternoon cocktail or endless work?

Do you attack the feelings in anger, trying to beat them into oblivion?

Or, do you approach the feelings and engage in conversation to determine what they are and what they want?

 

Which approach do you think will lead to the most favorable outcome?

 

Approach your negative feelings with curiosity.

Shake hands with them.

Learn where they come from and what they need to go away.

And once they’ve served their purpose, feel free to show them the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ever Been Told, “You Shouldn’t Feel That Way?”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You shouldn’t feel that way.

Get over it.

You’re overreacting.

Have you ever heard any of those statements? Those remarks that leave you angry and confused. Hackles up, yet questioning if the other person is right? Why do people make those remarks? Is it out of ignorance or attack? Are they trying to help or harm? How can we respond those who tell us we do not have the right to feel the way we feel?

I work with middle schoolers – a group that is well recognized for being very emotional and reactive. I have seen a girl become suicidal after a dismissive comment by a friend. I have seen a boy with a shattered face after a fight over a mustard packet. To the outside person, those reactions seem well over the top, like calling the fire department to extinguish a candle. I could have pulled those students aside and told them they were overreacting. I could have said that they should get over it. I could have shared stories of others that had it worse to downplay their feelings.

I think we all realize that such an approach would not be helpful. Simply telling the girl that her despair was stupid or the boy that he shouldn’t be angry would do nothing to dial down their emotions. In fact, it would have made the situation worse because then it would be introducing an element of shame, causing them to question if there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

When we respond with ‘shoulds,’ we are responding only to the surface. If someone appears to be overreacting, there is often much more beneath. That was the case with these two students. The girl’s sister had committed suicide the previous summer. She was feeling abandoned and lost. When her friend slighted her, she felt alone and hopeless. The boy’s family had fallen upon hard times. His only meals were through the school. To him, that packet of mustard was life or death.

So why are we so quick to dismiss the feelings of others? Sometimes, it is from a lack of empathy, an inability or refusal to put yourself in another’s shoes. Sometimes, you may have the empathy but you lack the understanding. Maybe you’re missing key information that explains the reaction. Maybe you want to help, but you’re frustrated and don’t now how.

The truth is that we can never know completely how someone else feels. It’s based on past and perception, two things that are unique to each individual. When it seems that someone’s reaction is over the top, maybe it just means that their brain needs time to catch up with the past pains held in the heart. Rather than berate the brain for not moving faster, try supporting the heart while the brain moves forward. All the heart wants is to be accepted.

If you are the recipient of the ‘shoulds,’ try not to internalize the statement. It is okay to feel the way you feel. Try to see the motivation behind the statement – is this person trying to help you or are they simply unable to comprehend your pain? Also be open to the idea that your past and your perceptions may be harming your present. It’s okay to feel the way you feel and it is also okay to not want to feel that way and to work to make it better.

As for my two students, we (teachers and counselors) worked to validate their feelings in the moment while helping them to understand why they reacted the way they did and how they can cope better in the future. Rather than telling them how they should feel from a place of judgement, we showed them how they could feel better by coming from a place of love. And that is how we should all feel.

You Shouldn’t Feel That Way

Posted on by stilllearning2b

sad

You shouldn’t feel that way.

Get over it.

You’re overreacting.

Have you ever heard any of those statements? Those remarks that leave you angry and confused. Hackles up, yet questioning if the other person is right? Why do people make those remarks? Is it out of ignorance or attack? Are they trying to help or harm? How can we respond those who tell us we do not have the right to feel the way we feel?

I work with middle schoolers – a group that is well recognized for being very emotional and reactive. I have seen a girl become suicidal after a dismissive comment by a friend. I have seen a boy with a shattered face after a fight over a mustard packet. To the outside person, those reactions seem well over the top, like calling the fire department to extinguish a candle. I could have pulled those students aside and told them they were overreacting. I could have said that they should get over it. I could have shared stories of others that had it worse to downplay their feelings.

I think we all realize that such an approach would not be helpful. Simply telling the girl that her despair was stupid or the boy that he shouldn’t be angry would do nothing to dial down their emotions. In fact, it would have made the situation worse because then it would be introducing an element of shame, causing them to question if there is something wrong with them for feeling the way they do.

When we respond with ‘shoulds,’ we are responding only to the surface. If someone appears to be overreacting, there is often much more beneath. That was the case with these two students. The girl’s sister had committed suicide the previous summer. She was feeling abandoned and lost. When her friend slighted her, she felt alone and hopeless. The boy’s family had fallen upon hard times. His only meals were through the school. To him, that packet of mustard was life or death.

So why are we so quick to dismiss the feelings of others? Sometimes, it is from a lack of empathy, an inability or refusal to put yourself in another’s shoes. Sometimes, you may have the empathy but you lack the understanding. Maybe you’re missing key information that explains the reaction. Maybe you want to help, but you’re frustrated and don’t now how.

The truth is that we can never know completely how someone else feels. It’s based on past and perception, two things that are unique to each individual. When it seems that someone’s reaction is over the top, maybe it just means that their brain needs time to catch up with the past pains held in the heart. Rather than berate the brain for not moving faster, try supporting the heart while the brain moves forward. All the heart wants is to be accepted.

If you are the recipient of the ‘shoulds,’ try not to internalize the statement. It is okay to feel the way you feel. Try to see the motivation behind the statement – is this person trying to help you or are they simply unable to comprehend your pain? Also be open to the idea that your past and your perceptions may be harming your present. It’s okay to feel the way you feel and it is also okay to not want to feel that way and to work to make it better.

As for my two students, we (teachers and counselors) worked to validate their feelings in the moment while helping them to understand why they reacted the way they did and how they can cope better in the future. Rather than telling them how they should feel from a place of judgement, we showed them how they could feel better by coming from a place of love. And that is how we should all feel.

Psychology May be a Soft Science, But She Drives a Hard Bargain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Statue of Pax in the garden of Pavlovsk Palace

I used to think that I could reason my way through anything.  I viewed psychology and the other soft sciences with derision, much preferring the absolutes of the harder sciences and mathematics.  I thought I could if-then my way through anything, repair any damage with deduction, and apply analytical reasoning to solve any dilemma.

I was wrong.

Psychology may be a soft science, but she drives a hard bargain.  She lets her influence be felt, even if her presence is ignored or denied.  We can try to avoid her, turning our minds away, but she is still there.  Influencing our thoughts, driving our behaviors, pressing on our insecurities.  We can pretend as though we are strong enough to not feel her sway, but it is an illusion. In fact, the more she is ignored, the more powerful she becomes.  She has the power to destroy, to eat from the inside out.  It is best to befriend her, to listen to her and try to understand.  Accept her ways and feel her influence.  Allow her intuition to soften deduction.  Embrace the feelings she shares with your analytical mind.  Welcome her and she will only make you stronger, reinforcing reasoning with her gentle touch.

Psychology may drive a hard bargain, but it’s a bargain you’ll want to take.

 

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