When Is the Hard Work of Relationships TOO Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are two seemingly conflicting schools of thought –

A relationship requires hard work. You can’t just give up on someone because it requires effort.

and

A relationship is only hard if it’s with the wrong person. A good relationship shouldn’t take that much effort.

Yet, as with many pat pieces of advice, both contain elements of truth yet fail to address the very real complexity of the situation. A relationship can require no work and be unhealthy (I provide my first marriage as evidence) and there are also certainly times that one or both people in a relationship keep trying harder when perhaps the best solution is to walk away.

So what is “normal” when it comes to hard work within a relationship? And what are the signs that perhaps all of this hard work is wasted energy trying to fix something that contains a major structural flaw?

 

Periods of Ebb and Flow

Normal: There are days, weeks or months when you feel especially close with your partner and times when you feel a little more disconnected. Sometimes, you can identify a root cause – external stressors, illness, distraction – and sometimes it just comes on for no apparent reason. Maybe you talk about this distance or maybe you just ride it out until one or both of you reach out to reestablish the intimacy. There isn’t too much emotion tied up in these phases since there is mutual trust in the strength of the relationship and the transient nature of the ebb.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Instead of gentle ebbs and flows, it feels more like the extreme highs and lows of a roller coaster. When it’s good, it’s great and when it’s bad, it’s awful. With each up, you feel elated. Unstoppable. While each down crushes your spirit and the fear and negativity sparked by the potential end of the relationship spread throughout your life. Your relationship status dictates the quality of your day.

During the up times, you’re balancing hope for a better future and fear that another downturn is around the corner. When the relationship is going through another rough patch, you’re both making promises to yourself that things will be different while simultaneously falling back into the same patterns as before.

 

Unequal Efforts

Normal: You feel irritated or frustrated that your partner never seems to do their share of the housework. You bring it up and there is an improvement, at least in the short term. During periods of additional workload or illness, one person picks up the slack, both people simply doing what needs to be done.

Even with these surface disturbances, there is an understanding that you are a team. That you both are working together towards a common vision. You may not always agree on the path, but you both believe in the destination and put in the effort to get there.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: From the thousands of people I’ve talked with as well as my own experiences, I think this is the ultimate dealbreaker. When your partner isn’t willing to work – to listen, to adapt, to attend counseling, to try something different, to address their own issues – there is only so much you can do.

From Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

If you’re the only one working, there’s only so much you can do.

 

Disagreements

Normal: “How could you be so ignorant?” you think as you hear your partner defend a point. Some arguments are minor, often carried in on the heels of a difficult day. Others are over more major things and these either move towards resolution in time (and this may take years) or become differing points of view to simply accept and live with. There may even be repeated friction over the same recurring issues and fights that follow familiar patterns without seeming to fo anywhere in particular.

During arguments, some harsh words may be spoken. Feelings may be hurt. One or both people may not always respond in the best way and things may get quite heated. But there are known boundaries that are not crossed, whether that is to refrain from physical confrontation or avoid using certain words. And when cooler heads prevail, apologies are offered, responsibility is taken and, most importantly, connection and commonalities are reestablished.

Wondering how to improve conflict in your relationship? Learn more here. 

Maybe it’s Too Hard: The fights come fast and furious. One or both of you are always walking on eggshells, uncertain what might spark anger in the other. During the arguments, boundaries are repeatedly crossed as brutal words or even fists rain down. Gottman’s four horsemen: contempt, stonewalling, criticism and defensiveness make a frequent showing at these arguments, ensuring that a productive conversation cannot occur.

The arguments never seem to come to any resolution. Promises are made yet somehow you always seem to end up in the same place. It’s as though you’re trying to coauthor a book only you speak two very different languages.

The disagreements are frequent. Instead of being the raisins sprinkled periodically throughout your relationship, they are the cookie itself. In fact, you often wonder if it wasn’t for the fights, if you would have anything holding you together at all.

 

Disliking Things About Your Partner

Normal: You can’t stand your partner’s taste in clothes. Or their new haircut. Maybe the way they brush their teeth sets yours on edge. All of that is totally normal. It’s impossible to spend an extended amount of time with someone and not become annoyed with certain traits and since we’re not all clones, there will always be things about another that you don’t like.

Yet underneath that dislike is love and maybe even some lighthearted humor about the things you find objectionable. You are able to separate the person you love from the particular trait that you don’t.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: Dislike has turned into disgust. Something about them actively turns your stomach. Or, there is something about them that you find so objectionable that you carefully tuck it away and try to forget about it.

Maybe you’re embarrassed of them, hesitant to bring them around your friends and family, fearing their reaction. On some level, you don’t think they’re quite up to your level.

And bigger than that is when you find that you’re beginning to dislike yourself. Are there patterns in the relationship that bring out the worst in you? Or are they being emotionally abusive and their words have become your own?

 

Questioning Your Decision to Be Together

Normal: Sometimes you wonder what your life would be like if you were single. Or with somebody else. It’s not a pressing desire, more a curious daydream that occasionally drifts through your mind. This may be prompted by a passing attraction to another person or from observing somebody else’s life and wondering what it’s like in their shoes.

Other times, this question is more pressing when the relationship is going through a particularly difficult period. You wonder if you made the right choice, your current pain manifesting as confusion. Yet this feeling doesn’t persist as you’re reminded again why this is a person that you want as your teammate in the game of life.

Maybe it’s Too Hard: More days than not, you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. You find yourself continually weighing out the pros and cons. Maybe you ask for the input of others because you feel like you can’t trust your own instincts.

Are you scared to leave and only staying because it’s what you know or because of the time and energy invested? Are your goals in life incompatible with the relationship and you either leave your partner or leave yourself?

 

Time Spent Apart

Normal: You look forward to the business trip so that you can have time to yourself at the house. You enjoy solo travel or a dinner with your friends. It’s healthy for couples to spend time apart from each other and this is supported and encouraged.

When apart, there are certain expectations around boundaries and communication. As long as those are met, there is not undue anxiety or jealousy about the other’s whereabouts or actions.

Maybe It’s Too Hard: You count down the minutes until your partner leaves for the day and you dread the moment they come back through the door. Or, when they’re away, you’re constantly wondering if they’re cheating and so you find yourself anxious and questioning. Or maybe it’s your partner that is controlling and leaves you feeling guilty for every moment you take for yourself.

 

Final Thoughts

I like to tell my students that anything worthwhile takes effort. And when that comes to relationships, I certainly believe that to be true.

From Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow.

Yet sometimes that relationship has become a black hole and that energy may be better spent in a new direction. And only you can can decide if the work is going towards growth or the work is taking energy away from your growth. Only you will know if it’s time to try harder or it’s time to walk away.

Wondering if you should divorce? Here are 12 questions to ask yourself.

Wondering why you’re not seeing the results you expected? Here are some common reasons. 

Wondering if you tried hard enough to save your marriage? Hint: If you’re even asking this, it’s a sign you put in the effort. Here’s more to think about. 

 

 

 

Six Reasons You’re Not Seeing the Results You Expected

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This sign welcomed me at the gym today:

 

Not seeing the results you expected?

Visit the training desk to set up your personal training session now!

 

It prompted me to scan the mid-morning crowd with a curious eye, wondering how many of them were seeing the results in the gym that they anticipated when they first signed their contracts. I suspect that many of them, if asked, would express disappointment with their progress as measured against their initial expectations.

Pulling on my background with personal training and my own countless hours spent in the gym, I considered the most common reasons that people don’t see the fitness results that they expect when they first vow to get in shape. And then, like so often happens, I realized that these explanations are not limited to the gym.

These are the reasons that any of us fail to see the expected results in all areas of our lives – work, relationships, finances, education and yes, fitness:

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You’re Not Working as Hard as You Think You Are

I often see the same people on the stationary bikes or the treadmills every time I enter the fitness center. They have the resistance and the speed set at some reasonable number and they dutifully put in their sixty minutes of daily exercise. I’m sure they feel like they’re working hard. The heart rates are elevated, the sweat is evident and there is probably some soreness the next day. The brutal truth is that this kind of steady-state cardio is beneficial for maintaining cardiovascular fitness and not much else.

It’s simply not hard enough.

We ALL have a natural tendency to stay within our comfort zones. When discomfort rises, we often respond by backing off. Which we then justify with our internal narrative –

“I’ll do more after this tough period of work is over.”

“This is all that I am capable of.”

“It feels difficult, so it must be my edge.”

“I need to play it safe so that I don’t get hurt.”

 

And by doing so, we’re robbing ourselves of the potential results.

There are some clues to indicate when you ARE working hard enough – You’ll have doubts in your ability to reach your stated goals. There will be times where you feel as though it’s impossible and it will rarely feel easy (and when it does, it’s swiftly followed by a humbling reminder that you still have a way to go). You will see progress and change; what was once difficult will begin to seem very doable. When you reach a goal or even when you put in the time, you will feel a sense of accomplishment or pride, knowing that you pushed yourself. There may be a sense of risk, since reward rarely travels alone. And finally, when you’re working hard enough, you will be uncomfortable.

 

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You’re Working On the Wrong Thing

I’m frequently approached by women who want my advice on how to tone up. They are faithful to their Zumba classes or elliptical machines but have become frustrated with a plateau in their pants size. When I mention the addition of free weights or kettle bells, the response is often an immediate dismissal, “Oh, I don’t want to get too muscular.” And then they return to the efforts that are failing to deliver the desired results.

I see this dynamic often in those I work with following a divorce from a difficult person (I was also guilty of this myself!!). They are often frustrated with their ex’s lack of response to parenting responsibilities or inability to act like a decent human being. They funnel their energy into labeling their ex or trying to understand the motivations and the reasoning behind the actions. They are certainly working hard. But nothing seems to change.

Because they are working on the wrong thing.

It is SO easy to leap to a potential path once a problem or need has been identified. And then, we get so busy… well, being busy, that we neglect to reevaluate our efforts to see if they are having the intended effects.

Take the time to ensure that the path you’re slogging along actually leads to your intended destination.

 

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You’re Undermining Your Efforts

“I don’t get it,” my neighbor said to me. “I run every day. I lift weights three times a week. But still, I’m getting fatter with every year.”

“What’s your diet like?” I inquired.

The resulting blush told me all that I needed to know.

Sometimes, we are working hard enough and on the right things, but we’re neglecting something else. And any attempt to fill a cracked bucket will always lead to frustration and subpar results.

I’m very skilled at doing this at work when I feel stressed and overwhelmed. When the to-do lists feel daunting and I’m barely keeping my head above water, I have a tendency to increase my hours spent working.

Which inevitably leads to a startling drop in efficiency (and agreeableness).

In those moments, I would be much better served by taking a break and taking care of myself before putting more effort into the work.

It can be difficult to recognize when you’re undermining your own efforts. We can get strangely defensive and territorial over these adopted behaviors. It’s worth the momentary discomfort or embarrassment though if you want to ensure that your efforts aren’t in vain.

 

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Your Expectations Are Unrealistic

“Get a Bikini Body in 20 Days!!!” the magazine practically screamed at me in the check-out line. First of all, what exactly IS a “bikini body?” A body that is currently wearing two pieces of fabric designed for water-based recreation? Hmm. Doesn’t seem like that would take more than 20 seconds to achieve. I’m assuming that the magazine was claiming that the reader could look like the size-two model in under three weeks. Which unless the customer is already a size-two model, is practically impossible.

Whether from the focus on the extremes from the media, the outrageous claims of advertising or the Cliff Notes version of a struggle from a friend, we often possess idealistic or romanticized expectations. And if you’re starting with an unattainable goal, you’re pretty much guaranteed to never see the expected results.

It can be difficult to determine the difference between lofty expectations and implausible expectations. Sometimes it means that we have to first face some uncomfortable truths about ourselves or our available resources.

 

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You Need Outside Assistance or Accountability

There is a reason the personal training area of my gym is frequently occupied – we can all benefit from a little professional help sometimes. These trainers introduce people to new ideas and methods, cheer on the tired and unmotivated and hold their clients accountable for their progress. It’s no surprise that this population often shows the greatest growth within the entire gym.

I know I have a virulent case of the “I can do it myselfs!” And I know I’m not alone. we often perceive asking for help as a weakness, a sign of giving up. Yet sometimes a little shove or shout of encouragement is exactly what we need in order to scheme the expected results.

 

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You’re Taking the Short View of a Longer Process

“How long have you been doing yoga?” the young man asked from the mat next to me after class.

My eyes looked to ceiling as I mentally retraced my yoga journey, which began with videotapes in my childhood bedroom. “About twenty-six years,” I finally concluded.

“Wow!” he replied, a bit of a relieved look on his face. It seemed that he was expecting to master the practice (a bit of an oxymoron there, huh?) after a few short months and this response gave him permission to take more time to learn the nuances of the poses.

It’s frustrating when you feel like you should be at the finish line and yet it remains out of reach. I felt this acutely when my divorce was finalized. I had assumed that the emotional process would end when the legal one did. (Spoiler alert – it didn’t.)

When you don’t see the expected results, look instead for signs that you’re making progress towards the desired outcome. Most things in life require baby steps. You’ll get there; it’s just going to take a little longer than you may have planned. And you know what? That’s completely okay:)

Why the Hard Work After a Breakup Is Worth It

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“It’s not fair,” I remember thinking. He’s the one that had the affair, led a secret life and committed crimes and yet I was left having to manage the recovery from his actions. Part of me railed against putting in the emotional work to right myself again. After all, if he made the mess, shouldn’t he have to clean it up?

In the beginning, I did place the responsibility in his lap (and in the hands of the courts). I was convinced that I needed an apology. I was certain that I needed him to hear my victim impact statement. I was determined that I needed for him to return the swindled funds in order for me to move on.

Yet those things never happened. And so I could wait. Or I could try to navigate the road back to “okay” again on my own.

I chose the latter.

At times, I was angry when it seemed as though he was escaping consequence as easily as a cat navigates through a fence. I felt despair when the reality of where I was mentally  crashed rudely into my reality and getting better seemed like more mirage than realistic goal. I became frustrated when certain strategies or passed milestones failed to bring immediate relief, worried that my efforts were being wasted. And throughout, I was exhausted. Emotional work may not break a sweat, but it sure feels harder than any workout at the gym.

But then, as I kept slogging through the emotional wasteland, some strange things started to happen. Because although the work may be hard, the efforts are worth it.

 

Opportunities to Heal Earlier Traumas

While I wrestled with the pain and consequences of abandonment, the early childhood pain of my parent’s divorce and my dad’s subsequent move across the country resurfaced. I had long ago buried this sense of abandonment, convinced that it wasn’t worth the attention. Yet when my ex-husband left, I became acutely aware at how strong of a presence this fear was in my life.

The pros call it “trauma reenactment.” Others refer to it as baggage. No matter its label, the stuff that has happened to us tends to stay with us unless we do the work of processing it – absorbing the lessons and dispelling the waste. We often fail to do this work because it’s not fun and we can usually convince ourselves that it’s not necessary.

A breakup will often trigger earlier trauma that has not been resolved. It’s a spotlight on your past, pointing out areas that need attention. And if you do the work to resolve those early pains, it will help you find and create better relationships going forward.

 

Acceptance of Personal Power

I felt powerless after my marriage ended. I had no say in (or even knowledge of) of its eminent demise. I felt like I had few choices in how I handled the immediate aftermath and my basic needs. And no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t make him talk to me, much less offer an explanation or apology.

I started small. I pledged to finish an entire waffle for dinner. Or to walk twice a week. I accepted the offer of medications to calm the body and allow it to rest.

Then, I began to cook instead of just eat. My walks turned into runs, which led to crossing a finish line of a half marathon. The medications allowed me to experiment with other ways to calm my body, leading me to solid yoga and meditation practices.

Maybe I didn’t have a say in my marriage or my divorce, but I realized just how much of a say I still had in my life.

When you undertake the emotional work of recovering from a breakup, you’re learning to identify those things you can control. And even though your agency is limited to your sphere, it’s amazing how much of a difference just changing your attitude and perspective can make.

 

An Opening to Build Authentic Confidence

Breakups have a way of destroying our self-confidence. We feel rejected. Unloved. Unwanted. Even while smearing our ex’s character, we silently question if we are somehow broken and not worth loving.

Emotional recovery is a long and often arduous process, two steps forward followed by a long slide backward. It can difficult to see the progress along the way, because it is often nonlinear and even nonsensical.

Yet at some point, you’ll encounter a memory, or a bit of writing, or a picture that highlights just how far you’ve come. And you’ll shake your head in wonder even as you feel a little sense of pride blossoming within you – “I made it through that. Damn, I’m a badass!”

That newfound confidence, along with the insight and skills you have learned, will serve you well going forward as you approach subsequent life challenges.

 

An Invitation to Overcome Inertia

Okay, so maybe “invitation” isn’t quite the right word. It’s way more like being shoved out of a plane with a tangled parachute and having only part of the instructions for its use.

It certainly is a wake-up call.

In my former life, I had certain elements that I was discontent with and I had allowed myself to become content with that discontent. I rationalized my reasons for avoiding the efforts of change, but really it came down to being more comfortable with the status quo than uncomfortable with my life.

When my ex left, I no longer had the option to remain as I was. My life had been pulled out from under me and I was either going to have to make some changes or crash spectacularly into the ground. Those options certainly make the efforts required to do the emotional work a lot more compelling.

This is a magical moment. A break in the routine. A chance to try something different. You’re not settled, not anchored, not stuck. You can move, you can shift. You can even dance.

 

A Gift

So the wrapping is ugly. And at first glance, the contents seem rotten. Yet inside that mess are the seeds that you can plant and nurture and grow. And once you see the verdant and magnificent results, you realize that all the efforts were worth it.

 

 

 

You’re Not Flipping the Switch, You’re Turning the Dial

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We often believe that decisions in our lives are decisive, one choice made over another as resolutely as flipping a switch.

We’re often wrong.

Most decisions in our lives are made like the slow turn of a dial as we move incrementally towards some conclusion.

We slide into decisions carried on the back of inertia, following the path of least resistance and the road of slightest effort.

We creep into these courses of action and then retroactively rewrite our memories to justify our decisions-that-weren’t-really-decisions.

It happens at the beginning of relationships when it is easier to say yes to another date than to break it off. It occurs later on, when getting married is the next logical step and an “I do” is less effort than starting over. We may have kids through inertia, stay in careers through inaction and even turn the dial towards “divorce” without being aware of where the path may lead.

The changes are incremental. So small, they aren’t even noticed at the time like the heat slowly rising until the lobster is cooked without ever realizing he was in danger.

Be aware of areas where you are turning the dial. Be alert to your justifications applied after the fact. Make sure you are where you want to be, not just where you ended up.

Choose to flip the switch and turn your life on.

Balance

Posted on by stilllearning2b