What Are Your Pronouns Telling You About Your Love?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I struggle sometimes when speaking about the past.

Not the with emotions, not any more thank goodness. Those have been processed and purged.

And not even with the facts. Those have been accepted and analyzed.

But with the pronouns.

Sometimes, I might refer to “My first house” or “The pug I used to have.” And although factually true, those feel off. Because it wasn’t just my house, it was our house. Max wasn’t my dog, she was ours. Yet the use of the collective doesn’t feel right either. Because even though we were an “our,” that team has seen been disbanded. So I often end up stumbling over a hodgepodge of pronouns when recounting some story, making it sound as though I had some boomerang of a husband.

It would be handy to have some past form of collective pronouns. But English is complicated enough already.

—–

It caught me off guard the first time I heard Brock refer to Tiger as, “Our dog.” He adopted the big-headed while I was barely in the picture and at the time Tiger became “ours,” I still didn’t share a home with Tiger or his daddy.

But Brock saw him as ours.

That simple pronoun classifying us as a team. A partnership. A family.

Over the next few years, I was always impressed with Brock’s use of collective pronouns. The “I’s” replaced with “we’s” and “our” displacing much of “mine.” When he would misspeak, accidentally removing me with the use of a singular form, he would immediately correct his word choice with emphasis on the shared form.

As for me, it felt weird – in a good way – to transition pretty quickly from ours, to mine and back to ours, yet with a different him.

The words we choose are telling, often revealing more than we intend. As relationships move from dating into something more serious, it’s expected that the pronouns begin to shift as well.

Be mindful of those words –

If someone uses the collective too soon, it may be a sign that things are moving too quickly. If the singular stubbornly remains, it may indicate that the speaker is not all-in. If the shared forms are applied too generously, it can indicate that the individuals have lost themselves to the couple. And if somebody in a relationship starts to shift back into the singular form, listen to what they’re telling you.

As for me, I’m probably still going to call my first house, “Ourrr…My” house for a least a while longer. Because apparently it’s easier to get an ex husband out of your life than out of your choice of words.

 

 

 

 

Guest Post: How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

Posted on by stilllearning2b

For many people, the most difficult part about divorce is the impact on the kids. And this starts on the day that you tell them about the divorce. Author L.J. Burke shares his story and surprising revelation about the day his kids were told about their parent’s divorce.

 How I Told My Kids We Were Getting Divorced

The toughest part of my divorce was telling the kids that their Mom and Dad weren’t going to be together anymore. I avoided and agonized over this inevitable conversation for weeks. You don’t want them finding out through friends or other family members. You owe it to them to break the news as soon as possible. Preferably the both of you will do this together with your happy faces on.

I don’t think there is a perfect way to tell your kids that you’re getting divorced. There are so many factors; age, maturity, any kind of special problems with physical or mental health. There is no easy way to do this. I believe honesty is the most important thing to keep in mind. Don’t give your kids any false sense of hope that you will not break up. There are way too many Disney movies where divorced couples wind up back together in some magical zany way. Shame on you Disney!

This is how it happened to me: It was a nice summer morning and my soon to be ex-wife woke me up after I was sleeping for about three hours. I worked nights and this was my nighttime. We corralled the kids into the kitchen and my ex started the conversation with, “Kids, we have to tell you something.” She stopped and looked at me for what felt like an eternity. “OK, I guess I will do the dirty work,” I thought to myself. Now I was wide-awake. “There’s no easy way to say this, kids, but your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Both kids smiled at me and told us that they already knew. They both said they heard my soon to be ex having conversations with her divorce lawyer. (Remember, kids are incredible in hearing when they want to.) I went on and told them that we would still be a family; only it will be different now. I wanted to stress how we both loved them, and nobody was going to get abandoned.

I asked if they had any questions and they both said no. They both got up from the table and went on with their regular routines. I wasn’t sure what to think of this. My stomach was still in a knot, and I felt horrible. My ex just continued to pace and really didn’t say all that much.

I realize that wasn’t the perfect way to break the news to my kids, but it could of went much worse.

If you really have no idea how to break the news to your kids, I would suggest you go to a family therapist. Also, it would probably be a good idea for the kids to see a therapist at this very confusing and often difficult time. Make sure you reassure your kids often that you both still love them very much and will do everything in your power to make this process as painless as possible.   Do this often through the divorce process. Protecting your kids is priority one!

About the author:

L.J. Burke is the author of his new book, “Divorced Dad: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.” Burke wrote this book looking back at his divorce with clarity, seeing what he did wrong and what he did right during this tough time.  It is his sincere hope that if you are contemplating, going through or have gone through a divorce, his book will help you through this very tough time. Burke is a Police Sergeant in a major metropolitan police department. The father of his two teenage boys, Burke recently remarried and is enjoying life with his new blended family.

 

How to Move In Together (Without Losing Your Mind)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“What do you think about moving in with me?” The text said, signed by Tiger.

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“I’m not sure your crate is big enough for two,” I typed back, humor acting as a buffer for my careening emotions.

As I waited for a response, I looked around my space. My space. Really the only time I had an entire place all to myself. I had made it into a sanctuary of sorts. Sparse, yet containing elements that made me feel peaceful and hopeful. Almost every item was purchased post-divorce and so there was a newness. A freshness. A clean slate. An incubator nurturing me back to health.

I thought of Brock’s home. It didn’t have the same sense of peace that I had carefully cultivated in my healing space. And then I thought of Brock. And the potential we had that was really making itself evident in the last few months. Being together was more important than keeping my white slipcover spotless.

As with everything in our relationship, we stepped slowly. Carefully. Intentionally. He first brought up cohabitating in December and my lease didn’t expire until June. We used that time to adjust to the idea and, most importantly, to talk through the anticipated issues ahead of time.

Moving in together is exciting. And it’s also a challenging transition in any relationship. It softens the boundaries between the individuals. It tests the communication and negotiation skills of the pair. The shared walls act as an amplifier of any discord and the removal of their own place to escape to can create panic.

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Moving in together can be stressful. Here’s how to do it without losing your mind:

If Possible…

Start fresh. It’s so much easier to build a space together than for one person to try to carve out a niche in the other’s home. Especially if that home holds memories of a former relationship. It allows for less emotional negotiations for space and decor when you’re both opening the boxes. Of course, that’s not always possible.

If Your Partner Is Moving In To Your Space…

A few weeks before I moved in, Brock cleared out his guest bedroom. “This is your space,” he said when I came over later that night, “Paint it and do whatever you want to it.” Before long, the grey walls and the addition of my couch and rug made that space a smaller version of my apartment sanctuary. It was perfect and it was mine.

They are not a guest. And treating them like one will make their stay temporary. Don’t invite somebody to move in until you’re ready to relinquish control over (some) of your home.

Start by clearing out. Designate closet space. Make space for pieces of their furniture.Don’t be stingy – one empty drawer says, “This is my territory and I’m allowing you to encroach on it.” An empty dresser says, “I’m ready to share my life with you.”

Ask what is important to them and work together to try to incorporate it. Allow them to make some changes and imprint their preferences. Even better if you work on same changes together.

Don’t expect them to do things your way. They are not only bringing their clothes, they are bringing their way of living.

If You Are Moving Into Your Partner’s Space…

Communicate, communicate, communicate! Ask what areas they are willing to clear out. Be clear about what you want to bring in. If you want a space that it yours and your alone, make that desire clear.

You are in a tricky situation. If you tiptoe around and try not to leave a mark, you are acting as a guest and not a partner. That mindset will backfire as you feel stifled and unimportant. On the other hand, getting a key does not give you free reign to go all HGTV on the place and reinvent it in your taste. Wait too long to make changes and it will be assumed that you’re okay with the staus quo. Make them too quickly and it will feel aggressive and territorial.

Be patient with your partner; it’s not easy letting go of being the master of your domain. Yet also be clear and consistent about your needs to share the space, not just occupy it.

In both cases of one person moving into an existing home, make a purchase of something for the house together. It can be as small as a throw pillow. But it carries a big message – this is now our home.

If One Person is Messier…

Buy black towels. I found myself frustrated when my largely white IKEA kitchen towels became stained within days of moving in. So I went to Target and dropped $7.99 on a new set of towels, this time in I-can’t-see-the-red-wine-on-them black. And it’s never frustrated me again. Creativity will take you a lot further than criticism.

It’s easy for the neater person to see themselves as superior. To believe that there way is the “right” way and to expect the messier person to shoulder the burden of change. But unless you’re keeping your house show-ready for a sale, there is no “right” way to live. Instead of painting the messier one as wrong, try looking at it from a team perspective – what can we do to meet the needs of both (which in our case, is a monthly house cleaner and separate bathrooms). And be prepared for both people to make some compromises.

If You Have Different Needs for Personal Time and Space…

I see it happen all the time. One person assumes that moving in means that the couple will now share everything. That yours and mine fail to exist and that every minute home is spent together. Meanwhile, the other believes that the current amount of time spent together will persist even when households are merged. One ends up feeling neglected and the other ends up feeling smothered.

We all need different amounts of personal time and space. Often those needs aren’t clearly expressed until cohabitation occurs, since separate homes give plenty of opportunity for retreat. Once moved in, the frustration can build and fights can erupt over the issue.

If you’re the one needing more space, speak up. Make sure you communicate that it’s about your own need to recharge and that it’s not a rejection of your partner. If your partner needs more space, strive to not take it personally and ensure that you are not depending on them for all of your social, emotional and entertainment needs.

If You’re Sharing the Rent or Mortgage…

Don’t make assumptions. They’re dangerous, especially when made up until the bill becomes due. Make sure that the negotiations feel fair to both partners and reflect actual income and personal financial obligations. If you’re the one who insists on a big cable package and your partner is indifferent, that may be your expense to bear. If one person cares more about decor, that may be on their dime.

Figure out how accounts will be managed – completely separate, fully combined or some combination of the two? Are you still thinking about money only from your perspective or are you starting to make and work towards shared financial goals? Is one of you a svaer and one a spender? How will those differences be handled?

Moving in together sets the tone for how you and partner handle finances. In other words, it’s important, especially because fights about money are one of the major causes of divorce. Make sure these conversations happen early and often, even if they’re uncomfortable. I personally love the idea of a weekly, monthly or quarterly “budget meeting,” where expenses are tallied and approaches analyzed. It holds both people accountable and keeps money from becoming a manipulative tactical device.

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Above all, maintain a sense of humor throughout the process. It’s amazing how much easier transition is when you can find ways to laugh about it. And like any transition, it’s hardest at the beginning. Hang in there – it gets easier:)

Why I’m Attracted to People With a Difficult Past

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It happens to me all the time.

A knowing look between virtual strangers. Words left unsaid yet with full meaning comprehended. A nod to the side, understood to reference “all that”in the midst of casual conversation.

It says, “I see you. And I see that you have suffered. And even though I don’t know your story, I know that we are kin.”

People that have a past, that have been through stuff, have a way of finding each other. It’s a club none of signed up for, yet we now all know the secret handshakes and code words used to identify other members.

If I inventoried the people most important to me, their combined tragedies would fill a country music album. There are motherless children, those who have been abused and abandoned, people who are enduring long and painful and scary medical ordeals and others who have suffered great losses.

But suffering isn’t the only thing they have in common.

They also have the overcoming (or at least the first steps) of it.

—–

One of the reasons I was attracted to my first husband was that he had a maturity and perspective that comes from going through difficult experiences. It made him stand out from the largely affluent and untouched kids at my high school. As my own life experiences – a sense of abandonment by my dad, a health crisis and the unexpected deaths of several friends – compounded, I no longer felt as though I had anything in common with the average 16 year old.

Then I met him.

And we had that unspoken conversation. That handshake of pain. A meeting of eyes that had seen more than they should.

We didn’t feel as though we belonged in the worlds we inhabited. But we felt as though we belonged together.

It was an hysterical bonding of sorts. A grasping. A union born from suffering.

Of course, I didn’t see any of that at the time. I just knew that I felt understood. That he could relate to facing challenges greater than deciding what to wear the next day or what to do when you hadn’t studies for a test.

Little did I know that he would later become the source of my greatest life lesson to date.

—–

It’s completely natural for people that have difficult pasts to gravitate towards one another. After all, we often bond over shared experiences and beliefs. And we look for people that can relate to and empathize with our own situations.

That attraction isn’t always healthy; however, sometimes bonds formed from suffering become mired in suffering. The pain simply is transferred from one to another, keeping it nurtured and alive. Sometimes one person takes on a victim role and the other, needing to be needed, plays the savior. The past can become the seed that holds the relationship together and a reticence to release it (and possibly the bond) develops.

I see these unhealthy relationships like two weak swimmers trying to save the other from drowning. The combined efforts only seek to weight them both down.

—–

When I started dating again after divorce, I intentionally looked for men that didn’t have pasts. They were surprisingly common, those guys that had made through 30, 35 even 40 years of life relative unscathed.

They intrigued me.

But they didn’t attract me.

Sure, they weren’t as superficial and two-dimensional as a gaggle of sheltered teenagers.

They were perfectly nice and nothing was glaringly wrong.

But they also didn’t get it.

They had never had to face a loss that made every breath feel as though oxygen had been replaced with concrete. They had never been forced to dig so deep within themselves that they feared they would get lost before they got out. They had an easy assurance that everything was going to be okay. Because for them, it always had been.

I felt separate from them. Different.

And I also felt a strange need to protect them. To let them be in their unaffected worldview for as long as fate allowed.

They seemed fragile to me. Untoughened. Untested.

I was equally uninterested in men who still lived in their pasts and showed no signs of wanting to move on or those who tried to pretend that it wasn’t a big deal. I knew what happened when suffering was damped down and pushed aside – my ex taught me that one. And I had no desire to live someone else’s past.

I found myself attracted to men who had been through the lows of life and had climbed out, one difficult step at a time. Someone who also knew how bad it could be and yet hadn’t given up. Someone who developed strength with every step and wisdom from every glance back. Someone who wouldn’t pull me down or carry me along, but who would walk with me.

We’re often dismissive of difficult pasts as being unwanted baggage.

Yet often the people with the most to carry have the greatest spirits.

—–

When I look around at the amazing people I choose to have in my life, I’m blown away by their resilience and attitudes. I surround myself with them because they understand and also because they inspire.

 

Refuse to be a Dropout in the School of Life

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dropout

We’ve all seen the statistics –

A high school drop out earns less money and is more likely to be unemployed.

A high school dropout is more likely to commit crimes and spend time in prison.

A high school dropout has lower physical and mental health.

So we place a great emphasis as a society on encouraging our children to persevere and make it through 12th grade. We tell them it’s worth it. We offer encouragement and celebration when they’re on track and motivation and consequences when they’re not.

Because the lessons learned in school are important. And the consequences of not learning them can be dire.

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And then once the diploma is in hand (either high school or higher education), we back off. As though the learning is done.

When in reality, it’s really just beginning.

Welcome to enrollment in the school of life.

It starts young and you don’t graduate until your bell rings, hopefully a long, long, long time from now.

Whether you learn the lessons or not.

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And life’s lessons are way more important than the quadratic formula or who led the final battle of the Civil War. The consequences of not learning life’s lessons are even more profound.

How do you stop from being a dropout in the school of life?

Take some cues from the characteristics of those that successfully graduate from high school:

1 – They Show Up

Successful students know that they have to be present to learn. They make an effort to be there most days and they understand that a body in the seat while the mind is elsewhere is a waste of time. When they are sick, they allow themselves time to rest but they also understand that time away requires extra effort upon return.

Students of life understand that they need to be fully present and engaged. They don’t hide behind their phones or under the covers for days on end. They don’t call in sick every time there is a difficult task. They take time outs when needed, but don’t leave life on “pause” for any length of time.

2 – They Believe They Will Progress

Students are constantly presented with material that they cannot yet do. And the successful ones have faith that with enough time, effort and assistance, they will make progress and master the lesson. Before a student can walk across the stage, they have to believe that they can walk across the stage.

Life is the hardest teacher – the tests often come first, showing us what we don’t yet know. And it can be easy to become defeated. To give up. To drop out. It’s okay if you don’t learn it the first time through. There’s a reason summer school exists. You don’t have to be able to do it all at once. Just believe that by tackling increasingly bigger challenges, you’ll get to walk across that stage.

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3-They Are Not Afraid to Go to the Counselor’s Office

High school graduates are not afraid to ask for help. They’ll go to the guidance counselor for assistance with home issues. They seek out the graduation coach for hep preparing for the SAT. They show up at morning help sessions, ask the media center clerk how to locate information and talk to their coach about how to improve their high jump.

As adults, we don’t have all of that assistance under one roof, but it’s still there for the taking (okay, usually paying!). Students of the school of life acknowledge that sometimes they need support from outside. And they don’t hesitate to ask for a hall pass to the counselor.

4 – They Accept That Effort and Outcome Are Related

In class, strong students are not afraid to get their hands dirty. They are active participants in lecture and small group work. If they didn’t study for a test, they don’t ask surprised when they receive a failing. And they never try to blame the teacher for that F. Graduates accept responsibility for their own learning, starting with the effort they expend.

Life is not a spectator sport. You don’t learn about life only by watching others navigate through its obstacles. Life’s scholars don’t expect others to do the work for them or to sweep in and save them. Those who make As in life put in the effort and take the responsibility for their own happiness and well being.

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5-They See Mistakes As Part of Learning

Graduates are never without an eraser. They know that mistakes are inevitable and are nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of cursing their errors, they embrace them, understanding that the best learning often comes through mistakes. Furthermore, they are willing to start over. And over. Until they get it right.

Mistakes are a sign that you’re learning. Starting over means that you’re applying the lessons. Students of life don’t waste time wallowing in guilt or “shoulds.” Instead, they analyze the mistake, make adjustments and try again. And again.

6-They Don’t Allow a Bad Class or a Bad Teacher to Stop Them

Every student who has graduated high school has endured a bad class or a bad teacher. They have faced people who single them out, they have dealt with unfair situations and they felt beaten down. The dropouts let that bad moment spread, a ripple effect that influences areas that previously were okay. The graduates understand that bad classes happen. And schedules change.

Life isn’t arranged in classes, but hard terms most definitely exist. Often they’re not fair. Sometimes they are so bad that they threaten to spread into every corner of our existence. Life’s successful students work to find comfort in the belief that hard times don’t last. That fairness isn’t promised on the syllabus. And that a bad week, or month or year does not make a bad life.

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7-They Seek Out Mentors

Ask any high school graduate and they can name at least one adult in their lives that they look up to. They seek out and observe mentors, people further along the same path that they envision themselves on. They ask. They listen. They learn.

Successful lifers also have mentors, people they emulate and admire. They release the ego that says, “You’ve already learned everything” and they are open to discovering something new.

8-They Understand That Sometimes You Have to Jump Through Hoops

Those who stay the course through school are able to see the bigger picture. They understand how the little steps add up to a bigger outcome. They may grumble about the often-infuriating details that can interfere with progress, but they accept that sometimes they just have to play the game and jump through the hoops.

In life, successful students also accept that there are some things that they have to do even when they really, really don’t want to. They are able to step back and see how those details, even when pointless, fit into the bigger picture. And they’ll put their head down and make it happen.

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9-They Develop a Tolerance for Frustration

Learning gets messy. It gets arduous. It gets downright frustrating sometimes. High school graduates may have moments where they ball up the paper and throw it across the room in exasperation. But after their tantrum, they keep going.

Lifelong learners develop a tolerance for frustration. They feel it and then they let it pass. They learn how to mitigate its effects and how to ignore its squeal. Successful students have grit. True grit.

10-They Make and Keep Friends

Very few of those high school students who walk across the stage have nobody cheering them on. Successful students understand the importance of friendships and they prioritize creating and nurturing those relationships. They also recognize that no one friend will fit every need and they work to diversify their friend portfolio.

It may be harder to make and keep friends outside of high school, but it’s no less important. Life is so much better and richer with others by your side. They offer support, reality checks and a laugh when you need it most. Bonus points for slumber parties:)

 

Class dismissed:) Now go out there and learn!