Divorce Envy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Ash Envy Single CD2
Ash Envy Single CD2 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am generally not a jealous person. I don’t mind people that are better looking, make more money, or drive a better car (which is good, since my 13 year old car is pockmarked from hail and covered with pollen!). The one area where I feel the insidious presence of the green-eyed monster is divorce. That’s right; I suffer from divorce envy.

When I hear friends talk about going to lunch with their ex-spouse, I wonder why I have to be in the situation where my lover became an instant stranger.  I encounter discussions about amicable divorces that sound about as stressful as packing away the winter wardrobe and bringing out the summer clothes.  I get frustrated when people make statements about how women always do better in a divorce, after taking all their husband’s money.  And I know some who have.

I have come to terms with being divorced.  I have come a long way with dealing with the pain inflicted upon me.  But some times, I wish I could have had it differently.  A divorce that didn’t have to be devastating.  A husband that didn’t disappear.  Rather, two lives that simply went in different directions.  Of course, if it had not been for the difficult divorce, I would not be on the path I am now.  The hardship is exactly what forced me to re-evaluate, re-balance, and re-learn.  I am thankful for that.

When I saw Christie Brinkley’s interview the other day (and her ex’s response), I immediately identified with her.  So many people including Matt Lauer, it seems), do not understand what it is like to divorce someone who is entirely devoid of empathy and will not hesitate to lie to serve their own end.  She has had a difficult divorce too, and I am sure that it has sent her on a new journey.  I hope that she has been able to find strength and purpose in her new life.  And, I hope for both of us that we are able to be grateful for the blessings in our own situations and not dwell too much on divorce envy.

Taming the Monkey Mind: Day 13

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Funny sleeping monkey

Today was a day I was very thankful to have meditation in my toolkit.  I had to go to mediation today to clear up one of my ex’s messes.  Now, to help you understand how stressed this makes me, I’ll tell you a couple embarrassing facts about myself.  First, I suffer from anxiety when I owe an overdue fine to the library.  No, I’m not exaggerating.  I wish I was.  I’ll be stressed and fixated until I can settle my $.20 fine and return the materials.  Another example?  I recently purchased a prepaid toll sticker for a local highway.  Every time I drive through, I am nervous until I see the green light flash, even though I know there are sufficient funds in the account.  I’m not sure where this pathological anxiety about money comes from, but it is there.  You pair that with my ex-husband’s secret out of control spending and hidden accounts, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

I started today with a hard 11 mile run (my personal Xanax).  I ended up with my fastest pace ever for distance (7:01 average pace).  I figured I would tire that monkey out before trying to subdue it.  The meditation following the run went well.  I have discovered the Deep Energy podcasts and found that the music works really well for me for meditation.  I think it is going to be my go-to from now on.

I worked to maintain my mindful and calm state as I drove to the office where the mediation was to occur.  NPR was apparently aware of my intent, as they played Beethoven’s 5th Symphony for me as I sped down the highway (at least, I assume they had me in mind when they made the selection). It followed, almost to a turn, the path to a great little restaurant I went to over the summer to enjoy my first-ever gluten free pancakes that I did not have to make (oh, they were heavenly!).  I even took the same wrong turn today.  I began to actually enjoy the ride as I remembered that summer day.  I then drove through a neighborhood where I ran a Chili Festival 5K with a friend of mine a couple of years ago.  More smiles and good memories.

I entered the mediation relatively calm, the monkeys only chattering slightly in the background.  The entire process went well and went quickly.  More proof that most of my fears are due to anticipation rather than reality.

NPR cooperated again, playing light and lively Mozart on my way home.

I am glad that I have been training the monkeys; they did me proud today.  Now, I think I’ll visit the library’s website and renew my materials.  Just in case, you understand.

 

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5 Tips to Bust Through Your Fears

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This is timely for me today.  I have to go to court this afternoon to deal with some of the mess my ex left behind (see Clean Up, Aisle 5).  I’m scared.  I don’t know why.  This is a known and limited threat, yet I am anxious.  I am going to begin my day with my own tip to bust through fear: a long run.  Somehow the combination of repetitive movement, fresh air, and an exhausted body help to calm my mind.  I plan to follow that with some meditation before going to the courthouse.  Oh, and I guess I’ll take a shower too:)

Try these tips when you feel fear whispering in your ear and trying to control your thoughts,

5 Tips to Bust Through Your Fears.

Marital Treason

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Caution: Rant ahead.  Proceed with care.

An yellow orange warning sign with an ! . Re-u...
An yellow orange warning sign with an ! . Re-uploaded because someone on the English Wikipedia wanted it again. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There is so much about the legal process of divorce that is just not fair.  I’m feeling that very acutely right now, as I received an email from someone in my life who is now in the same no-win property situation I found myself in.  In both cases, the spouse was dishonest and actively hiding information.  In both cases, the judge awarded the marital home to the partner with the agreement that they would assume the full note and make payments.  In both cases, that failed to happen.  This puts us in the position of owing money on a home we do not own and cannot sell.  Speaking for my case, I truly felt as though I had no option other than foreclosure.  My ex had disappeared again, I could not afford to pay lawyers any more, and the courts could only change the ownership of the house, not the names on the loan.

I am disgusted by the fact that actions that would be deemed illegal against a stranger are allowed against a spouse.  It is not unlike the way it was (and still is in some cultures) where a husband could forcefully take his wife without it being termed rape because of the legal contract between them.  Why is it that a marriage contract makes despicable behavior tolerable in the eyes of the law?  Why is it that just because I called him,” husband,” he could embezzle my money, steal my files, and abandon joint responsibilities without more than a slight slap on the wrist?  If someone came into my home and did the same, they would be sitting in a jail cell, learning how to do pull-ups on a bunk bed.

I propose we need a new law: marital treason, the act of betraying one’s marriage (there used to be a similar law called petty treason).  This would include adultery, deception (financial and otherwise), and acting in a way that is in opposition to a marriage.  Once convicted, the treasonous spouse would be required to pay restitution (enforced by payroll deduction) and forced to serve community service in a cause chosen by the spouse.  For those, like mine, who like to run, their passports would be confiscated until the requirements of their conviction had been met.  It seems as though the only time the law takes divorce seriously is in the case of child support (don’t get me wrong here, I strongly support hunting down deadbeat parents).  Also, please understand I’m not whining for alimony or excess; I just want what was stolen from me.  The marital treason law would seek to identify and hold responsibility to those who chose to betray their marriage through deception.  It’s only fair.

Okay, I feel a little better now.  Just had to get that off my chest.

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What’s Up with Breaking Up?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no way to sugar-coat it; the end of a relationship is hard.  You are mourning the loss of what was and the possibility of what could be.  You may be faced with sides of your partner or even yourself that are strangers to you. You may be facing the fact that the person who swore to love and protect you was actually the one from whom you required protection.  Your whole world and your place in it folds in on itself like some sort of mutant origami, only flashes of the old life still visible.  In is this complete and total devastation, hides the power of a break-up. You can fold your new life into beautiful new forms.  After the crying and screaming, of course.

What’s Up with Breaking Up?.