divorce

Stereoscopic Self

Posted on April 10, 2012 by stilllearning2b

One of the side effects of being in a relationship so long is that it shapes your self-image. My self view was partially constructed internally, but was also built from his external perspective. I believed what he saw in me and that became part of my self construct. This was seamless and not readily apparent until he was gone, leaving me with a single perspective. It felt like going from binocular vision to viewing with only one eye. I lost perspective and depth, seeing myself from a single vantage point, and one that was clouded over with tears.

I lost track of what was me and what was his view of me. I never thought to question any distinction.

Through much of my early journey, I sought to reestablish this stereoscopic vision. I tried to unite how others viewed me with my own self image. With each new person who came into my life, my self image was fleshed out as I gained more information, more data points, with which to add to my existing template. At the same time, the tears that had been clouding my vision began to clear, leaving me with an unobstructed view of myself. I began to shed some of the old me that no longer rang true or had been falsely labeled by him. I learned to create a three dimensional self image that, while accepting of external input, was ultimately created and held by me alone. I no longer depend upon another to bring depth to my life. I chose to carry my own binoculars rather then a monocle looking for a mate.

Goal Post

Posted on April 5, 2012July 5, 2012 by stilllearning2b

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left. I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.” When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there. I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year. It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up. The list now makes me smile. It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project. The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs. I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect. Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”). Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here. I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years. Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend. There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed. It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life. I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips. The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk. I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past

Posted on April 5, 2012October 3, 2012 by stilllearning2b

What a simple, yet elegant way to view past relationships. I know that I see my life as divided into 3 acts as of now: childhood, the 16 years with my ex, and post-divorce. While some characters have remained constant throughout the play, others have exited stage right once their part in the story was done. They have their mark and helped to shape the story, but they do not need to occupy space on the stage anymore; they are relegated to the shadows of the wings. Remember that the curtains may close briefly between acts, but they do not remain closed until the final call. Just because there is a shift in the action and a change of characters, does not mean the story is over. Do not be afraid to open the curtains to the next act of your life.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past.

I’ve Buried the Hatchet, but I’ve Marked its Location

Posted on April 3, 2012November 21, 2012 by stilllearning2b

Forgiveness is such a loaded word.

It requires an acceptance of someone’s actions. Actions that may be horrific, born from unknown motivations.

Forgiveness was on my mind soon after I received the text that ended my marriage. According to the platitudes I had always heard, I needed to forgive him. It was the right thing to do.

It was an unfathomable thing to do. I viewed forgiveness as a selfless act, and I had a self that was way too hurt to pardon its executioner. I couldn’t begin to even understand what he did, much less WHY he did. And, now, I was supposed to exonerate him for those same things? It just seemed like one more way that he would be getting away with his choices and actions. I refused to endorse his behavior with my stamp of approval.

Time passed. He remained unforgiven. I thought I could attend to my anger without addressing that little matter of absolution. I was wrong. I held on to an ember of hate, fueled by my refusal to accept his choices.

I grew to see forgiveness in a different light. It was actually a selfish act for me. After all, I do not expect to ever have any contact with him again. He will never know if I am his pardoner or if I hunt for vengeance. I forgave him for me. It helped to extinguish the fire of anger. It brought peace to my days and kept him out of my dreams at night.

In order to find forgiveness, I had to shift my view of him. I had to see him as sick, confused, desperate. I do not know how true any or all of those labels are, but they are true to me, as they helped me to feel compassion for him. They let me accept that my greatest love sought to destroy me, regardless of intent. I cling to those labels when I feel the anger spark. I cover the ember with thoughts of mental illness and a frantic push to survive. I chose to see him as weak and frightened, acting in his own twisted version of self defense, rather than as some evil puppetmaster, cruelly controlling my life.

I do not endorse his choices. Regardless of his mental state, he lied and manipulated for years, he committed bigamy and fraud, and he ran and hid like a frightened coward. I still believe that he belongs in prison for his actions. I still would feel no sadness if I heard of his demise. I have simply found a way let go in my mind so that I could find peace.

I have forgiven him, but I will never forget the pain. I’ve buried the hatchet, but I’ve marked its location.

Dry Rot

Posted on March 31, 2012 by stilllearning2b

My marriage was a house with dry rot. Who knows when that first insidious fungi moved in, starting to dissolve the home from the inside out? The structure over the marriage was covered with plaster, a perfectly placid facade that hid the underlying infection. The dry rot, in the form of lies and deceptions, ate away at the very foundation of the marriage, creating vacuums where once had stood strong supports. The damage grew, showing no symptoms, until one day catastrophic failure occurred and the entire structure collapsed. If the infection had been visible, perhaps it could have been treated before it led to the ruin of the home. But, he worked hard to keep it hidden, distracting me with new paint and wall coverings that hid the extensive damage. I thought my marriage was a beautiful home. It turned out to be nothing but a pile of sawdust.

I am determined to not let dry rot erode my relationship now. The structure is more visible; there are no elaborate decorations hiding the bare bones beneath. We keep an eye out for potential sources of moisture that could initiate the dry rot process and we work to eradicate the dampness before it spreads. We seek out areas of weakness in the joists and work together to build braces to enhance their integrity. There are no promises that I will not face a collapsing house again, but this time, I refuse to live in a home unaware that it is being destroyed from within. This time, I want a relationship that stands.

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