What to Say (and NOT to Say) to Someone Going Through Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You have just learned that someone in your life is going through divorce and you want to know what you should say to them. Or, you’re facing divorce and you’re wondering why your friends and family seem intent on saying things that only make you feel worse.

With divorce, as in any major loss and transition, it’s difficult to know what to say. For those on the outside, they often want to offer support and comfort, yet surprise and a lack of awareness may lead to the proverbial foot in the mouth. And for those on the other side, heightened emotions and a life in flux may result in taking even the most innocuous statement as an intentional barb.

So this is a primer for both sides – for those going through divorce and for those in their lives.

What to Say, What NOT to Say and How to Respond

Don’t Say – “I know just how you feel.”

This is such a common response whenever somebody is dealing with something difficult. It almost always comes from a good place, a place of empathy and wanting to let the person know that they’re not alone. Yet we never understand exactly how somebody else is feeling. Even if the circumstances are identical, their own past and reactions will greatly impact how they respond.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I’ve been through similar. If you ever want to hear about what helped me, please let me know. “

This phrase lets them know that they’re not alone, both in the experience and in dealing with it. It communicates that there is common ground, but stops short of making assumptions.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Accept this phrase in the spirit in which it was intended. They are wanting to reach out and they are putting themselves back in the place when something similar happened to them.

Don’t Say – “I get it. My partner never puts the dishes in the dishwasher and it drives me crazy.”

I seriously doubt that a messy kitchen is the reason for the divorce. Yes, those small domestic squabbles can be really annoying and you may have woken up to socks hanging off the cabinets and so you’re feeling especially irrupted with your spouse right now. But still comparing those daily struggles with divorce is minimizing and dismissive. Please complain to someone else right now.

Maybe Say This Instead – “This must be hard for you. I am sorry that this is something that you’re facing.”

If you can’t relate to the magnitude of a divorce, it’s okay. You don’t have to have been there in order to acknowledge that this is something difficult.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Set boundaries. If you have people in your life that are using you to complain about their minor relationship issues, it’s okay to tell them that you cannot be the recipient of that right now. If they continue, limit your exposure until you’re in a better place.

Don’t Say – “I feel like a single parent because my spouse travels so much.”

I get it. Being a parent when your partner is always on the road, or at work or just absent in general is HARD. Hell, parenting no matter what is hard. But here’s the thing, you and your children are still a cohesive unit, even if it’s one whose operation is largely commanded by you. After divorce, there is grieving for the impact on the children and fear as to how everything will work out.

Maybe Say This Instead – “Being a single parent is hard. Let me know if you need help with transportation or just need somehow to bounce a decision off of.”

You’re acknowledging the challenge without participating in the comparison olympics. And even better, you’re suggesting some possible solutions to some of the difficulty.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

I know that these two situations are not the same thing, but try to see some of the similarities (because there are some). This person may be a good resource for you to help you navigate this new way of parenting and they may be a good companion on spouseless kid-friendly outings.

Don’t Say – “I would never divorce; I believe in working things out.”

That’s awesome. I admire that you’re not a quitter and that you’re not afraid of hard work. However, the reality is that many – if not most – of us that got divorced felt that same way at some point. Yet either we were given no choice or that became the best choice out of a sea of less-than-ideal options.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I know that this had to be a difficult decision.”

Trust that they are making the best choice for themselves and that they are not acting impulsively. If you’re not sure who initiated the divorce, a simple, “This sounds hard,” may be better.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Divorce is often a major fear for anyone who is married, so your split may be a trigger for those around you. “I would never” is often code for, “That is my biggest fear and so I need to pretend that I have control over it.” Remember that what they are saying is more a reflection on them than a criticism of you.

Don’t Say – “Divorce is a sin”

This may be a core belief for you and so you’re truly concerned about their well-being and relationship with God. Yet you’re also not their spiritual advisor. There are basically two possibilities here – either they do not see divorce as a sin or it is against their beliefs and so this decision (which may indeed have been a life-or-death one) was made after many prayers and much reflection.

Maybe Say This Instead – “Do you have somebody to talk to? A counselor? A pastor?”

Questions and support will always be received better than judgment.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

Take a deep breath. Remember that your relationship with God is your business and have faith that you are doing the right thing for you.

Don’t Say – “You’re destroying your kids.”

Trust me, they are already feeling immense guilt for what this is doing to the kids. They don’t need your voice amplifying that. And it’s also not that simple. If there was abuse, divorce is clearly the preferable option for the kids. Even without abuse, kids often do better with two happy-yet-separate parents than two that are always fighting under the same roof.

Maybe Say This Instead – “How are the kids doing?”

This communicates that you’re thinking about the kids and also gives you a chance to see if any help is needed to ease the transition. Instead of shaming the parent for the divorce, maybe try to be another trusted adult that can help support the kids through this.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

They care about your kids. That’s pretty awesome. However, you also don’t have to listen to shaming and judgmental comments like that. It’s okay to say, “I’d appreciate it if you refrained from commenting on my parenting choices. I’ll reach out to you if I’m looking for ideas or advice.”

Don’t Say – “I never liked your spouse anyway.”

That may be true. Their ex may have been as awful as a Marvel villain from day one. But that’s not your conversation to initiate. Because even if they were awful, the person in front of you was in love with them at one time. Be considerate of that.

Maybe Say This Instead – “How are you doing with your ex right now?

This gives them to chance to let you know if they’re still in love, researching revenge fantasies or navigating a serviceable coparenting relationship.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

The more you communicate your needs, the more you’ll help those who want to support you and yourself. If you want companionship on the ex-bashing bus, say so. If you’re working hard to paint your ex in the best light possible, speak up. You can’t get mad at people for saying the wrong thing if you haven’t let them know what’s right.

Don’t Say – “What happened? Did they cheat? Did you cheat?”

I know you’re curious. Yet let the person dealing with the divorce decide how much they divulge and when they release that information. They may be trying to preserve their ex’s image for the sake of the kids or they may be ashamed of something that happened (or didn’t happen) behind closed doors.

Maybe Say This Instead – “I’m here for you when/if you want to talk.”

This is perhaps the best thing we can say to somebody who is dealing with any kind of thought situation. Be there and be willing to listen.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

You get to control the story. You decide what you’re comfortable sharing – and with whom. You don’t have to answer the questions that you’re asked.

Don’t Say – “Oh, you’ll bounce back in no time”

I know that you WANT them to be okay. You believe in their spirit and tenacity and you have faith that they will get through this. But right now, they feel like their world is ending. Hold space for that.

Maybe Say This Instead – “You’re strong. You WILL make it through this. And I’ll be here for you.”

You’re reminding them that this is the end of a chapter, not the end of their life. And you’re also not implying that this will be easy. Finally, you’re reminding them that they’re not alone as they navigate the divorce.

If You’re On the Receiving End –

You WILL make it through. Maybe not bouncing – at least not yet. But you WILL cross that finish line after divorce. Even if you’re crawling.

 

About Me: How a Math Teacher Became an (Accidental) Expert on Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anxiety After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines anxiety as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Well, it’s no wonder then that anxiety becomes a constant companion for many facing divorce, which certainly epitomizes an “imminent event…with an uncertain outcome.”

It’s normal to feel anxious before, during and after divorce. You’re experiencing a period of loss and transition at the same time you may be struggling to reconnect with your very identity and purpose. That’s stressful no matter how you look at it.

Anxiety around divorce can be focused on one or more specific areas, or it may be more generalized and diffuse. The feeling may be clear-cut and easy to recognize or it can manifest in more subtle ways. Regardless of the particular nature of your divorce-related anxiety, the more you understand it, the better you can learn to navigate – and eventually curtail – it.

tumblr_oaur2mrNGU1tn5y36o1_400

 

What You’re Anxious About

 

The Practical Concerns

These are often the first worries that manifest – How will I pay the bills without their income? Where will I live? How will we manage custody? What will the legal process be like?

There are so many important details of daily life that divorce impacts. And most of these have to be dealt with yesterday. Add the very real financial costs of divorce and it’s no wonder you’re losing sleep.

 

Personal Strength and Fortitude

“I’m not strong enough to get through this” is one of the first thoughts that many people have when they realize that divorce is imminent. The emotions threaten to drown you and the sheer amount of tasks you have to complete is completely overwhelming.

Maybe you’ve never been tested like this before and so you have no track record with which to reassure yourself of your tenacity. Or maybe you’re worried about the duration of this transition – how can you keep going when the finish line isn’t even marked?

 

The Impact on the Kids

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

from 7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

It’s no wonder you’re anxious. You worry about the impact that this family transition will have on your children. You agonize over the pain they’re facing. You stress about how this might affect them moving forward. You lose sleep over the relationship they have with their other parent. And most of all, you constantly question if you’re doing the right thing, making the right decisions.

 

 

 

Emotional Reactions

I remember being so afraid of my emotional response. It felt like being pulled along by some powerful riptide, threatening to drown me at any moment.

The emotional reactions after divorce are strong, variable and unpredictable. You never know if you’re going to break down crying in the middle of a work presentation, burst into inappropriate laughter in a meeting your attorney or fly of the handle in a fit of rage because a form asked for you to indicate your marital status.

And this uncertainty combined with a feeling that you no longer have control over your inner world, leads to a great deal of anxiety.

 

Things-we-said-683x1024

 

Future Happiness

“Will I ever be happy again?” you wonder. And your anxious brain is ready with a reply – “No.”

You worry that the best years have already happened and that it’s all downhill from here. You wonder if this divorce will always be your defining moment. And you stress as you contemplate the thought that maybe you’re broken and that you cannot be repaired.

 

The Views of Others

You feel like those around you are judging you, labeling you as a “quitter” or quietly assuming that you failed as a person in order to have a failed marriage. Their voices – real or imagined – join your own, doubts and criticisms circling around your head like tubes in a lazy river.

This anxiety may extend to your general social standing and connections. Maybe you are now losing the family that you’ve grown to love and cherish. Perhaps you worry that you no longer fit into the “couples only club” that is your primary friend group. Or, in your cultural or religious group, divorce may be viewed as a sin and you’re shunned for your circumstances.

 

New Relationships and Finding Love Again

You worry that your ex was your soulmate and that you somehow screwed up your only chance for love. The thought of dating again is downright terrifying and you wonder if anybody will love the older, more jaded, and less tolerant version of you. And that’s of course assuming that there are even people out there that you’d be interested in.

Finding love is only the starting place for your anxiety. Then comes the question of keeping it. After all, you don’t have such a great track record right now. You worry that you’re going to end up in this same place again.

 

I-am-exhausted-from-trying-to-be-stronger-than-I-feel.-Unknown

 

How the Anxiety Manifests

 

A Feeling of Being “Driven”

Anxiety has energy. It is an accelerant. A propellant. The focus of this drive can vary, turning towards everything from your performance at work to finding out every detail possible about the person your ex cheated on you with. Sometimes anxiety feels like you’re being driven by a motor but you’re spinning your wheels.

 

Obsessive Thoughts

You may be obsessively wondering how your ex could have acted the way they did. Or maybe you’re fixated on something you did that contributed to the collapse of the marriage. Anxiety often causes our thoughts to become trapped like the water above a blocked drain, as we desperately sift through them looking for a way to control the outcome.

 

Avoidance and Distractions

Anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. So when something causes undo stress, we often avoid it in order to eliminate that discomfort. This can manifest by intentionally or subconsciously avoiding locations or situations that you know will trigger an emotional reaction. Others may turn to distractions (everything from dating to work) in an attempt to give a wide berth to anything that may cause anxiety to spike.

 

Quotes-About-Anxiety

 

A Sense of Futility

Anxiety is the world’s greatest pessimist. It will always tell you that not only is the glass empty, but the glass is cracked and will never hold anything of substance again. If you’re feeling defeated and assuming that it’s a permanent state, that may be your anxiety talking.

 

Restlessness

Are you feeling a need to redecorate your entire home? Or maybe move to a new home – or country – altogether? Do you have trouble staying still and you seem to always find something to keep you busy? Anxiety has its own fear – a fear of stillness and quiet. So when you’re anxious, you’re often restless.

 

anxiety-quote-hp-41-1

 

How to Handle Your Anxiety

 

Call in the Professionals

Get help if you need it! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, admitting a need for and accepting help are great signs of strength.

How do you know if you need help with your anxiety? Here are some signs that it’s time:

  • Your anxiety is interfering with your ability to carry out the basic functions of daily life
  • The divorce is history, yet your anxiety still remains
  • Symptoms of depression are present along with the anxiety
  • You’re turning to substances to help you manage your anxiety
  • Your children are being impacted by your anxiety
  • You want to improve your anxiety but you don’t know how

 

Quotes-about-Anxiety-12

 

Incorporate Exercise

Exercise won’t cure anxiety, but if you exhaust the body, it has a tendency to tire out the mind as well. And when it comes to worrying, a tired mind is a happier mind.

Play around with different types of exercise. Perhaps you do best with yoga and its emphasis on breathing through discomfort. Or maybe running helps you process your thoughts and gives you a sense of progress. You may find that you’re drawn to martial arts, where your anxiety can be funneled into strikes and you gain a sense of power and strength.

The what doesn’t matter here. The regularity and commitment does. Figure out what works for you and practice it frequently.

 

Learn to Recognize Anxiety

Be aware of how anxiety manifests in your mind and body. Does your chest get tight? Your stomach upset? Your brain on overdrive?

Just being aware of these signs can 1) give you a sense of control over your anxiety and 2) provide you with an opportunity to do something about it. You’ve heard about love languages. This is the time to become fluent in your own fear language.

 

Inspirational-Quotes-About-Depression-and-Anxiety

 

Face Your Fears

When we avoid situations that cause us discomfort, we allow them to grow in size and power. Think about all of the times you’ve been afraid to do something, from jumping into a pool as a child or having a difficult conversation as an adult. How many times did you discover that the anticipation was worse than the reality? Quite a bit, I expect.

And also think about your mindset before and after you faced that fear. Before, you were fixated on the situation, playing out all of the possible outcomes and worrying about every one. After? Well, it no longer seemed so important and all of that mental energy no longer had to be allocated its direction.

It’s pretty simple, really. Not easy, but simple.

Avoidance makes your anxieties grow. Facing your fears diminishes their power.

 

Chart Your Progress

When it comes to healing from divorce, progress is so slow that it’s often imperceptible from your viewpoint. So document your journey. Bring awareness to your progress.

Journaling is one way to accomplish this. You can go back at any time and read your earlier entries to get a feeling of how far you’ve come. This serves to both help you recognize your strength and also gives you hope that things will continue to improve.

 

107f3c70d5b502882c7cfcdb74dff897

 

Question Your Conclusions

Anxiety lies. Just think about it – when you’re sifting through all of the possible outcomes,  how many of them or positive or even neutral? Not very many, I expect. Yet, the reality is that many outcomes fall into these categories. But anxiety always assumes the worst.

So learn to question your conclusions. Where is this assumption coming from – facts or fears? If it’s the latter, you have permission to ignore the advice.

 

Implement a Gratitude Practice

When you’re grateful, you’re in the moment. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. Take some time every day to focus on those things that bring you joy and appreciation. Write them down in a place where you can return time and time again to literally count your blessings.

 

Listen to Others

We don’t do well when we live only within the echo chamber of our own minds. So allow other voices in. Hear their perceptive and their wisdom.

From others, we gain insight into ourselves and inspiration to keep trying.

 

Accept Anxiety as a Natural Response

We have evolved to experience anxiety as nature’s way of keeping us safe. We are primed to feel fear and uncertainty around novel situations to help guide our decisions in a safe direction.

Anxiety is natural. However, modern life doesn’t present us with the simple dilemmas our ancient ancestors faced. The question about whether the meat gained from hunting the large game is worth the risk has been replaced with the constant worry about your child’s ability to navigate the emotional fallout from divorce.

So it’s important to both accept your anxiety as a natural response to a potentially threatening and new situation and also expend effort to lessen your anxiety since the potential triggers are ongoing.

And always remember – you may feel anxious at any given moment, but YOU are not your anxiety.

coolnsmart-21321

The Cornerstone of Divorce Recovery

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“But how did you do it?” I was recently asked in regards to my divorce recovery.

“I had no real choice in the matter,” I replied, “I absolutely refused to give him any more. He had taken enough.”

But that reply, of which I’ve given some version of probably hundreds of times over the past decade, didn’t really answer the question.

I could list the strategies that I implemented, as I have done numerous times before. But even those wouldn’t address the heart of the question.

Because what this person was really asking was how did I get myself up out of bed every morning when the sheets were still wet from the tears that flowed throughout the night? They wanted to know how I kept my hopes up for the future when all I could see was darkness. In witnessing the dichotomy between my now happy and smiling face and the brutality of the story I told, they were struggling to understand how happiness could survive such despair.

Faith played a big role – belief in the possibility of recovery, confidence in the strength of the human spirit and trust in the inherent kindness of most people.

But even faith isn’t enough to force you out of bed on those mornings when the weight of the world feels as though it will crush you before noon.

That requires something else entirely.

Discipline.

 

Discipline is one those traits that we explicitly try to build in our children. We train them with chore charts, sign them up for martial arts and require that they eat their vegetables before their sweets.

Yet the role of discipline doesn’t fade as we age. In fact, the stakes become larger. Because without discipline, we can have all of the faith and hope and desire in the world, and we still won’t make any progress.

(Related: 6 Reasons You’re Not Seeing the Results You Expected)

At its core, discipline is about doing things that you don’t want to do. It’s about enduring discomfort, working towards a goal and, at least some of the time, putting the “have to’s” in front of the “want to’s.”

And most of us are pretty good at this. We pay our mortgage before we buy the ticket to Paris. When the alarm sounds on Monday morning, we manage to make it into work on time even though we’d rather sleep in and have UberEats bring us pancakes.

But something often shifts when it comes to divorce. Whether from the sheer enormity of the emotional turmoil, a case of the “why me’s?” stopping your momentum or the utter exhaustion of a major transition, discipline often flags after divorce.

Which is a shame because the swift kick in the butt provided by discipline is exactly what we need to get us back up on our feet again.

Without discipline, I would probably still be Googling my ex and his other wife. Discipline is what allowed me to get my finances back in order after my ex confused me for a line of credit. And discipline is what led me to face those triggering events that, on my own, I would have preferred to avoid.

 

The good news? There are strategies that you can use to get yourself moving while your discipline is still lagging behind:

 

Rely on External Supports

When you’re feeling weak, it’s perfectly acceptable to use external supports to buttress you from the outside. This can take the form of a therapist or coach that provides you with accountability. Alternately, you may benefit from a structured program (divorce related or even something completely different) that guides you with instructions on what to do and when to it. If you gravitate this direction, make sure that you select a group that both pushes you and offers a hand of encouragement. Or maybe you simply need a living space that is devoid of your favored form of distraction.

I knew that I would have a tendency to withdraw into myself during divorce. So to combat that, I lived with a generous friend and her family for a year. I let my teammates at work fuss over me and encourage me to eat. And I reached out to doctors to help manage my physical and mental ailments that arose from the situation at hand.

So often we refrain from asking for help out of a fear of looking inadequate. Yet admitting weakness is a great sign of strength.

 

Set Tangible Goals

Discipline operates best when the goals are clearly laid out and achievable. It’s easier to motivate yourself to do those not-always-pleasant things when you understand why you’re doing them.

Divorce is a time of immense change and overwhelming, and often impossible-seeming, goals. So break it down. What is one small way you want your life to look different next month? What steps can you start taking right now that will get you there?

Next, record those necessary steps on your phone’s calendar and/or set reminders to get them done. Finally, when that reminder pops up, do the thing.

I posted a list of 12 goals that I wanted to reach that first year. It was in a highly visible place and I made notes on it as I made progress towards my intentions. There were days that those 12 bullet points kept me going.

 

Try Gamification

Thanks to the neurotransmitter dopamine, our brains thrive on intermittent rewards. The concept of gamification capitalizes on this fact, tying game theory into everything from learning a new language to meditation.

Many lifestyle and wellness apps now apply this theory with opportunities to “level up” or unlock new content. Alternately, you can set challenges for yourself or commit to a streak of a certain behavior or action (or non-action in the case of trying to stop social media stalking your ex).

I used gamification during divorce when it came to paying off the debt he incurred. Every time I paid off another $1,000, I would grant myself a small guilt-free activity or purchase. It was my way of leveling up.

 

Practice Habit-Building

Discipline is not infinite. Several studies have demonstrated that decision fatigue is a real thing (interestingly, this is most true for the people that believe that their willpower will fade). There are a couple ways to combat this lack of willpower. The first is to force yourself to begin. Because once you have taken your first step, the resistance to the subsequent ones is lower.

The other is to cultivate habit. Within the last 6 months, my mom changed her entire way of eating. At first, food choices required an extreme amount of conscious awareness for her. It was new and nothing was automatic. That is the most difficult period, as the brain wants to go back to the easy comfort of the known pathways. But over several weeks, the new foods simply became, “The way I eat,” and no longer required so much mental energy and discipline. (An aside, I am super proud of her for making – and maintaining – these changes! Go mom!)

The more you can move into habit, the less discipline you’ll need.

 

Start Small and Gradually Expand

You don’t have to do it all at once. Hell, you can’t do it all at once.

But you have to start somewhere.

And you have to start sometime.

Why not here and why not now?

 

 

Two Truths You Need to Know If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – It’s Not Your Fault

It had only been a couple weeks since I had discovered that my then-husband had been courting others. I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, anticipating the results of the humiliating tests that you have to submit to after finding out that confidence you placed in monogamy was ill-advised. Adding insult to injury, the magazine at the top of the coffee table stack seemed to be taunting me with its headline – “Five Ways to Affair-Proof Your Marriage.” How was it that I was the one who felt shamed and stigmatized when he was the one who cheated?

I have since learned, through hundreds of exchanged with betrayed spouses, that this sense of blame and embarrassment is far from uncommon.

There are many reasons that the betrayed often blame themselves for their partner’s infidelity. First, it’s challenging not to interpret the straying as a personal rejection, especially because it comes from someone who claimed to both know and love you. As you struggle to find some sense of understanding about why this happened, it’s often easier to settle on your own perceived shortcomings than to accept that sometimes answers remain elusive.

It’s a misconception that affairs only occur in bad marriages. Many people who cheat claim that they love their spouse, love their marriage. Yet, either for the thrill, the opportunity or the search for something they’re missing, they elect to stray. And for the one who was betrayed, it’s important to realize that just because it happened toyou, it does not mean that it happened becauseof you. You didn’t make them cheat and, in most cases, you could not have prevented them from cheating. Regardless of their motivations, your spouse’s actions reveal more about them than about you.

 

In addition to your own sense of fault, you may face accusations from others. The cheating partner often utilizes projection and blame both in attempt to distract from their misdeeds and in order to reduce their own sense of guilt and shame. They may pepper you with statements along the lines of, “If only you would have…” and “I wouldn’t have needed to cheat if you…” These claims not only shift the responsibility of the affair to the betrayed partner, they also frequently minimize any deception that occurred, asserting that the spouse “must have known” what was occurring.

When these allegations bombard you, take a moment to remind yourself of the motivations behind these claims. Your ex is basically acting like the guilty child blaming the dog when the cookies go missing; they will likely point the finger anywhere rather than where it belongs. Rather than allowing their choices to challenge their self-perception of themselves as a “good person,” they will frequently paint their partner as “the bad guy.” Also, consider that you weren’t given the opportunity to respond from a place of full knowledge; you can’t be expected to meet your partner’s needs when they’re burying their desires behind their lies. In some cases, this manipulation began long before the affair(s) even started, using gaslighting to slowly undermine their partner’s sense of reality.

The external blame can also come from those outside the marriage. Assumptions will be made and accusations formulated about how you must have been a sub-par spouse in order for your partner to step out. These assertions, especially when they come from friends and family, are blows upon already bruised skin. These claims, much like the magazine headline that taunted me with my failure to “affair-proof” my marriage, are coming from a need for the world to be a fair and orderly place. People desperately want to believe that if they do good, good will be returned to them. They find it easier to accuse the betrayed spouse than to accept that infidelity could pay a visit to their marital bed.

When you’re trying to find your way after the discovery of infidelity, it’s okay to limit your exposure to those who do not support you. Surround yourself with people who refrain from assigning blame and who empower you to find your truth and rebuild your life.

 

2 – You Have Everything You Need

 I remember a strange sense of relief coming over me when I discovered that my then-husband had been leading a secret life. Even as my world collapsed and everything I had was swept away, I felt a sort of serenity building beneath the storm. For years, I had been unknowingly living a lie, an unknowing participant in a made-for-television drama. At some level, I must have been aware of this tension, the constant incongruity between what I thought and what I was living.

And so once the horrific truth came to light, I suddenly felt a sense of power for the first time in years. Now that I knew the facts, I could make choices. Instead of being tossed around by the winds spun by his lies, I was finally able to stand alone and see my life clearly. I had been granted an opportunity to live authentically.

There is often a sense of powerlessness that comes with the discovery of infidelity. You couldn’t prevent them from cheating. You can’t stop them from seeing others. You can’t control how the affair partner responds to the revelation of the infidelity. You can’t pressure your ex to explain their motivations or to address their deep-seated issues. And you can’t force them to apologize or to try to make amends.

We all-too-easily focus on what we can’t control. We obsess over the details of the affair. We desperately search for explanations and meaning in the betrayal.  We believe that maybe our ex will again become the person we once thought they were. We convince ourselves that we need an apology.

Yet we don’t need the one that harmed us to be the one to save us.

In fact, everything we need, we already have.

Now that you know the truth, you are able to see yourself as you are, not as you have been led to believe.

The lies have been washed away. Acceptance of those things you cannot change has been reached. And what you’re left with is your truth. You’ve been betrayed. And now you decide what will be revealed.