Tells – The Truth Always Finds a Way Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Last night, we watched the movie Rounders, a drama where Matt Damon and Edward Norton portray high-stakes poker players. It was intriguing to disappear into that risky and shadowy world from the mundane security of the couch. My pulse was racing enough just watching someone lose $25,000 in a matter of seconds; I certainly didn’t feel a need to experience it myself.

I know very little about the mechanics of poker, but I do know a few things about psychology. And, as you may know, poker is often more about what the players think you have in your hand rather than the actual cards you hold. The winner is often the person who can see through others’ misdirections while projecting his or her illusion seamlessly.

I think my ex would have made a very good poker player.

For all I know, maybe he was. Perhaps that’s what happened to the money. But even if he never touched a deck of cards, he was still approaching life like a game. He was attracted to risks. He seemed to enjoy being able to manipulate people with his stories and actions. He had an amazing ability to read people and steer them in the direction he wanted.

And, like many poker players, he was almost brought down by his tell.

In the game, a “tell” is a subconscious sign that reveals when a player is stressed or bluffing. It can be a certain eye movement, a twitching of a finger or, as in the case of the movie, even reaching for an Oreo. Players work to restrain or hide their tells.

Because the truth is fighting to come out.

My ex met his other wife at a bar in a Vegas hotel, where they were both staying for work. According to her, they stayed up late that first night, flirting and drinking in the public spaces. He was wooing her with fabrications, telling stories of a manufactured persona woven from the lives of our friends. I guess at some point, the stress of the lies grew too great because he passed out cold on the casino floor.

Interestingly, in his statement to the police months later, he claimed that at that moment, he lost “conscienceness,” misplacing his ability to tell right from wrong. It was the only truth he wrote upon that paper.

The paramedics were called and his vitals taken. His blood pressure was as inflated as his lies.

Because the truth was fighting to come out.

For the last several months of our marriage, he visited doctor upon doctor trying to reign in his ever-soaring hypertension. No pill was strong enough; the pressure kept mounting.

Along with the lies.

The doctors declared his problem was idiopathic, arising from unknown origins. What they failed to realize is that the cause was buried in his psychology rather than his physiology. They were looking in the wrong place.

If I known I was married to a poker player, perhaps I would have recognized his hypertension for what it was. A tell.

Because the truth always finds a way out.

 

Side note – When I saw him a couple years ago, one of the only things I was curious about was his blood pressure. I figured it would be a clue as to the kind of life he was living.

 

The Surprising Choice That May End Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I decided to go back to school in 2005 to obtain my master’s degree, it was a decision born of pure pragmatism. In less than six years, the raise I would receive would pay for the degree; it was a way to help with the household bottom line. I opted for a program that was largely held online so that it would interfere as little as possible with my life outside of work. My life with my then-husband.

But of course, adding an additional layer of responsibility to my days did impact life at home. Evenings and weekends were often spent writing papers or participating in classroom “discussions.” It was a world with which my husband couldn’t relate, since he had never participated in any college courses at all, but he still was supportive.

At least I thought he was.

But behind the scenes he was busy building another life. From what I can tell, his deceptions started during the two-year period I was back in school. I guess he was learning too, only he had a different idea of what it means to better oneself. One that involved bars instead of books.

If the demise of my marriage was the only one that I knew related to a return to school, I wouldn’t make any connection. After all, I think it’s clear that my ex had some pretty big issues going on that would have surfaced with or without a degree.

But I’m not the only one.

I’ve seen it with far too many teachers I have worked with where a divorce decree arrives on the heels of a new diploma. I hear about it from readers and see mention of a return to school in other’s divorce tales. It seems as though there is a link between divorce and degrees.

Now, it’s possible that some people are returning to school with the intention of increasing their earning power enough so that they can make the break from the marriage. But it’s also possible that the return to school itself was a hit on the marriage. Maybe not the cause of the divorce, but certainly a contributing factor.

Here are some ways a return to school could also signal a return to singlehood:

Time Spent On School is Less Time Spent On the Marriage

School places significant demands on your time, and this has an even greater influence when you return later in life when you may be balancing children and/or a full-time job. No matter how much you try to mitigate the impact on the rest of the family, it will be felt.

I used to get up very early on Saturday and Sunday mornings so that I could get the bulk of my classwork done before he woke up. It meant that I was tired by the afternoon, but even worse, it changed my attitude about the weekend. I always felt like I had work to do. Weeknights were even worse. I would often inhale dinner after arriving home at 5:00 only to hole myself up in my office to jump through some professor-created hoops. Several semesters required that I attend physical classes, which meant that I would not return home until 11:00 pm after leaving at 6:00 am for work.

It’s difficult to nurture a marriage when you don’t even have time to take care of yourself.

Your Partner May Feel Left Behind

Starting a new degree program is a concrete step towards improving your future. It’s a plan and a goal for where you want to be and what you want to accomplish. Even though my ex and I discussed school and made a joint decision to go ahead with the program, I was the one to actually take the steps.

And he was left behind.

I shared stories with him about my interesting classmates. I grumbled about assignments or professors. And I consulted him on some of my ideas for papers or presentations.

But it was still my world and my goal. He wasn’t really a part of it.

Marriages thrive with common goals and shared visions. Make sure your spouse shares your dream.

You Are Meeting New People 

Studies support that marriages do well when there is a large and shared social group between partners. When I was in school, my classmates became my de facto social partners. At least for a term and then they would be replaced with faces and new names. My ex couldn’t keep them all straight. Hell, I barely could.

It’s easy for one partner to feel pushed aside and insecure when the other is always out with new people. Even if they only meet in a classroom.

A marriage thrives when surrounded by mutual friends who act as cheerleaders and advisors.

Your Partner May Feel Inferior

I never thought less of my ex for never attending college. He was extremely bright and a very hard worker, which led him into a self-made career. I didn’t think the lack of a degree bothered him either. At least until I saw the words “Bachelor of Arts; University of Texas” on his other marriage license. For him to lie about it, it must have troubled him. 

My returning to school may have triggered his insecurities. School was something he always struggled with, whereas I often do better in academia than in the real world. I envied the fact that he was self-taught and could find success in a career where no degree was needed. But maybe he envied the fact that I could get a degree.

Your perception of your partner may be different than what he or she sees. Look beneath the words of assurance. There may be hurt or shame beneath.

When You’re Busy, You’re Blind

My data-mining after he left showed an entire life lived in parallel. A life I with which I was unaware. Some of my blindness was due to my belief in him, some can be chalked up to his skill at lying. But some is because I was too busy focusing on other things.

Trouble brews when your attention shifts. Remember to shift back.

 

A degree can be a great asset. Just be careful that you don’t wind up celebrating your graduation with an unintended divorce.

It Doesn’t Get Easier; You Get Stronger

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stronger

I love the feeling of doing something that was once difficult only to find that it has become easy.

I have this one running route that I have been frequenting for the last year or so. It is an eight-mile loop from my house through a nearby neighborhood. This particular community is a favorite training ground for the triathletes in the area because it has HILLS (not to be confused with their tamer brethren, hills).

This run was a real challenge for me at first, as I had been training primarily along the river and the greenway with their decided lacks of HILLS or even hills. I grew comfortable with level ground and my legs and lungs fought to handle the grade changes. In fact, there were many ventures through this neighborhood that resulted in more miles walked than run as I failed to meet the trial.

But I still keep going back.

And last night, I just finished that route in my best time ever.

But even better? There is one looong HILL towards the end of the run that is a real beast. I always prep myself ahead of time, slowing my breathing and adjusting my gait so that I can make it up the entire stretch. Last night, I was into my podcast and didn’t even notice the hill (it has officially lost its HILL status now!) until it was behind me.

I was so excited when I became aware of my unawareness, that I even had enough energy to sprint the final mile home.

There is no better feeling that staying with something until it becomes easy.

Because you become stronger.

 

A major side effect of divorce (especially when infidelity is involved) is a lack of confidence. The cure is not to have people tell you you’re great. Or to seek out the attentions of attractive members of your preferred gender. Although both are certainly nice, they only scratch the surface.

The way to build confidence is to try something you think you can’t do.

And then try again.

And again.

Until it becomes easy.

Because you became stronger.

 

And no, you don’t have to run. But before you say you can’t, read about how I started.

 

 

In Perpetuity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Mom, what does ‘in perpetuity’ mean?” I asked from the backseat as we drove by an intown San Antonio theater advertising Rocky Horror Picture Show Friday 10 pm  with the unfamiliar words posted beneath.

“It means it keeps repeating, going on without end.”

“So they show that same movie every Friday? That’s dumb,” I concluded with the assurance of a know-it-all 8-year-old. “Who would want to see that?”

Me, it turns out, since once I was a senior in high school, I visited that theater more than once to watch the movie and enjoy the theatrics in the spirited audience.

I guess I didn’t know everything when I was 8.

Or even when I was a senior in high school.

Because when I was a senior in high school, I thought someone could overcome their past just by wanting it badly enough.

I saw my parents’ divorce and vowed that it would never happen to me. I felt left behind by my dad and was confident that my boyfriend (later husband) would never leave my side. I witnessed the power that worry held over my mom and swore that I would be more carefree.

My boyfriend felt the same. He looked at his father with disgust and proclaimed he would never follow in his footsteps. He was fully aware of the alcoholism in his genes and promised that he was stronger than its pull. I saw the intensity in his eyes when he renounced his childhood and swore he would chart his own path. And I believed him.

 

I didn’t yet understand that it takes more than intention to escape the replays of the childhood patterns. I didn’t realize that old wounds, long since buried, would spring up again with new players filling in for old roles. I wasn’t aware how many of my actions and behaviors came from past experience rather than responding to some present stimulus.

I didn’t yet comprehend that our childhoods have a tendency to play in perpetuity unless we find a way to stop the feedback loop.

And it takes more than desire to stop the pattern.

 

My biggest childhood wound was a fear of abandonment. I was fully aware of this fear, yet I didn’t exactly address it in the best ways. When my dad moved across the country, I convinced myself that I didn’t need a dad. I could take care of everything myself. When I had several friends die, I decided to push the others away before they could leave. In school and work, I set myself apart by always being willing to take on the extra tasks and responsibilities; I made sure I was too needed to be rejected.

But none of those really mitigated my fear of being abandoned; they just made me think they did.

In fact, the only way I got over my fear was to finally face it.

And, as it turns out, the fear of abandonment was worse than the abandonment itself.

 

One of the strongest memories I have of the end of my marriage is from one night shortly before he left. From what I knew, he was in Brazil on a work trip. He had been experiencing uncontrollable hypertension for months and, on a rare call from Brazil, stated that he had also come down with some gastrointestinal bug. He sounded miserable, alone and scared. Two days later, I anxiously awaited his call from the Atlanta airport, where he was supposed to arrive that morning. I tracked the flight online, noted its landing time and waited.

Hours went by.

Calls to his phone went straight to voicemail. Repeated checks of the website verified the flight time and safe landing. I paced the hallway, gripping my phone in my hand. The dogs paced with me, their nails clicking on the laminate floor. I sat down at my desk and tried to find a number to call in Brazil. I paced again when the anxiety-fueled tremors grew too strong. I had images of him alone in a hotel room, too sick to get help in a foreign country. I felt impotent. Helpless. I paced again. I finally located his out-of-state office’s number and called his boss. He sounded surprised to hear from me.

Minutes later, the phone rang. It was my husband.

“I’m so sorry you were worried, baby. My flight’s tomorrow.”

“Are you okay?” It was all I could think to ask, my legs giving out beneath me.

“I’m fine,” he chuckled,”But I need to let you go now. It’s too expensive. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

I wonder where his soon-to-be other wife was when he made that call?

 

That afternoon was my dress rehearsal for abandonment.

I experienced the real thing two short weeks later.

With my dad by my side.

My parents working together.

And my mom putting aside her own concerns for the care of her daughter.

 

I realized four things in those early moments after being jettisoned from my marriage:

I was never really abandoned in my childhood.

After really being abandoned in adulthood, I was strong enough to survive.

Accepting help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real.

And the way to protect against abandonment is by letting people in rather than by keeping them out.

 

After facing spousal abandonment and thriving, I’ve even been able to find some of the hidden gifts.

 

It’s strange how life continues to present us with lessons until we are ready to learn.

A tutorial in perpetuity until we are ready to listen.

 

 

 

The Honeymoon Period After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are all familiar with the honeymoon period of a new relationship – those weeks or months where the relationship is everything and seems to exist in a world all of its own. The end of a marriage can also have its own honeymoon period while the divorce remains the primary focus. It’s not uncommon for people who seem to be coping okay during the legal process to suddenly appear to fall apart once its all over. Here is what to expect after your divorce is final and some ways to cope with the end of the divorce honeymoon.

The Letdown of a Goal Attained

Once you have accepted that the end of your marriage is imminent, the divorce decree becomes a goal to reach. Hours may be spent procuring information, signing documents and making decisions towards that singular objective. If you’re like me, you assign the decree some magical power; it is the document that ends one life and symbolizes the beginning of another. I was disappointed when it turned out to be just a stapled stack of (very expensive) papers.

When something takes an immense amount of our time and energy, we have a tendency to feel disappointment when it is over. Even if it’s something we desperately wanted to be over. If you feel this way once your decree is in hand, replace the divorce goal with a new one. Do something with a finish line. Start a new degree or certification program. Make a commitment to learning a new skill. A goal will serve two purposes: it will give you something to focus on and, once you reach the benchmark, it will help to rebuild your sense of confidence.

The Support Fades

In the early days of a split, friends and family often step up and step in. Your inbox is filled with messages of concern and condolences. Texts arrive with offers of dinner or drinks. You may have people offer to watch the kids or take care of your lawn. I was very fortunate to have my dad with me the first week after my ex disappeared and my mom to take his place for the next two weeks. I had a friend take me in and many others take me out. There was always a shoulder to cry on and a hand to help.

But eventually that fades as new crises come up and yours fades into the backdrop of life. It can be an isolating feeling when you realize that the support has faded. The solution? Be proactive. Meet new people. Make new friends. Ones who don’t know you as “the divorcing one.”  Be careful not to turn to romantic interests to meet your emotional needs; that’s a recipe for additional heartbreak.

Sympathy Turns to Frustration

In the beginning, you will likely find that people are sympathetic to your pain. But after hearing you talk about your impossible ex for the umpteenth time, they will grow frustrated. Some may disclose this to your face. Others may be more subtle and just pull away from your company. It can be difficult – often healing takes longer than other’s patience.

If you find that your sobs and stories are wearing thin, it’s time to find a new place to share them. Find a therapist. Start a journal. Join a support group or online community. Also be willing to recognize if there’s a message in your friend’s withdrawal – are you complaining without changing?

Delayed Pain

During divorce, you have to be strong. You have to be ready to talk to lawyers without tears obscuring your words. You have to be able to make major decisions that will impact your life for the forseeable future. You may have to keep it together for the sake of your children.

I remember using the tasks of the divorce as a way to keep me from feeling the divorce. And when the divorce was done, those feelings came. With interest.

Be ready for these delayed emotions to hit. It doesn’t mean that you’re sliding backward; it just means that you’re slowing down. Feel them. Face them.  And then show them the door.

Reality Sets In

There’s something about the divorce being final that makes it all real. Permanent. Even though I had not talked to my ex in eight months by the time of the legal finale, he was still tied to me in so many ways. But once I had that paper in my hand, I felt the weight of the reality that my old life was gone and nothing would ever be the same again.

When someone leaves our lives, they leave a void.  It takes time to not try to call them when you have a smile to share or need someone to hold you up. It’s difficult to accept that they are gone.

This is a time to focus on the good. Create your gratitude list. Celebrate your new possibilities. Yes, you have lost the future you had imagined. So dream a new one.

Burden of Responsibility 

I remember the shock I felt the first winter after he left. For the first time, I was solely responsible for my own taxes. It was scary. Unfamiliar. But that’s nothing. For those who are single parents who carry the weight of primary custody, the burden of responsibility is huge. You may now be the sole caretaker and decision maker for dependent children. That’s an enormous responsibility.

You may be afraid to tackle these once-shared tasks and decisions on your own. Yet, each time you do, you will find that your confidence and ability improves. The more you carry, the stronger you become.

Boredom

I can hear you laughing from here. “I’d love some boredom,” you say. I’m sure. Yet it can also be a difficult adjustment. If your divorce was drama-filled, you have adapted to that level of stimulation. And when it’s over, it can be a challenge to acclimate.

Be aware of your need for stimulation. If it remains high once your life gears down, you may seek excitement in unhealthy ways. Stick to roller coasters and horror movies.

Fear of Beginning

While you’re divorcing, you have a legitimate reason for not making steps towards beginning your new life. Once the divorce is final, the excuse is gone. And starting over is scary.

But so worth it.