How to Dilute Your Bitterness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
bitterness

The end of a marriage, especially when it comes with infidelity, courtroom drama or excessive vitriol, is like taking a large shot of concentrated bitter. Bitterness comes when we feel a situation was unfair and outside of our control. It is fed by blame, when we feel as though someone else could have prevented the situation.

You come out of the fugue renouncing marriage, blaming the institution for your ills. The thought of starting over again in love and allowing someone unfettered access to your heart brings an acrid taste to your tongue. You look down at affectionate couples like the Grinch looking down at the happy celebrations in Whoville.

You may generalize your rancor, for example painting all men as lying, cheating bastards. Or you may keep the bitter concentrated in a bolus of poison focused on your ex or the affair partner. Sometimes the bitterness lives on the surface, making itself known in most interactions. Other times, it buries itself deeper where it is harder to identify yet it still colors every thought.

Bitterness is anger past its expiration date.

Anger is a sign that something needs to change. It’s a fuel that drives us when we would otherwise crumple in sorrow. Anger sparks when something or someone is testing our boundaries. It tells us to stand up for ourselves and our rights. It’s a neon arrow pointing to what needs to change.

In contrast, bitterness is the residue left once the anger has served its purpose. Bitterness has no purpose. No direction. It may be less intense than the initial anger, but its effects can damage your entire life if you don’t rinse it out.

Since bitterness tends to be more diffuse, permeating every cell, it’s easier to lessen its impact by diluting it rather than trying to simply excise it in one big cut.

First, be truthful with yourself. Be willing to admit any bitterness you carry.

Identify the form your bitterness takes. What words, thoughts or stories carry the acid?

Institute a gag order of your bitterness. Ban the offending words or thoughts.

Eliminate all or none thinking. Life isn’t so black and white.

Bitterness thrives on victimhood. Refuse to be a victim.

Find the lessons within your situation. It doesn’t lessen the pain, but it gives it purpose.

Accept that there are situations you cannot control. And that you can never control other people.

Bitterness feeds upon itself. When you are acrimonious, others will respond in kind.

Take a lesson from cooking. Sweetness cuts bitterness. Find ways to add smiles to your days.

Bitterness holds you back. Letting go allows you to embrace the rest of your life.

Dating After Divorce: Does Their Marital History Matter?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started to contemplate dating after my tsunami divorce, I was taken aback when a friend posed the question, “So, are you looking for guys that have never been married or are you looking for a man that is also divorced?”. Since the last time I was on the dating scene, I was just looking for boys who were old enough to drive, I had never had to consider prior marital status before.

I rolled the imagined pros and cons of each around in my mind for a few moments.

Never married – No ex-wife to deal with, not one to marry impulsively, and has had sufficient time to fully enjoy the bachelor life. On the other hand, perhaps they are not ready for marriage, they don’t know how to “do” marriage and they may struggle to adapt to the lifestyle changes.

Divorced – Knows how to be married, may have friends that are more marriage-oriented, and they are not commitment-shy. Of course, there is always the ex-wife, the newly single man about town energy and they may be dealing with residual triggers and bitterness from the divorce.

I concluded, “I’m fine with either. I figure at my age (32 at the time), I’ll find more that are divorced. Of course, kids are a deal-breaker for me, so that may mean I find more that have never been married.”

And during my period of Match Madness, I did date both. And I found that some of my assumptions were incorrect. I met married men who, based upon discussion, never did learn how to be married. I met lifelong bachelors that had certain traits that made it difficult to imagine anyone wanting to marry them. Ever. And I discovered that difficult and in-the-picture exes were as likely to be of the girlfriend as the wife variety. Divorced doesn’t mean “damaged” any more than never married means “defective.”

In the end, I fell in love with a man (then 37) who had never been married. Not because he had some fatal flaw, but because he knew himself well enough to wait until he was ready. He may not have known how to be married, but that was okay. After all, I didn’t know how to be married to him. And every marriage is different. We gave each other the gifts of time and patience – for me to work on healing and letting go of the residual anger and for him to adapt to a partnered life and learn what it means to be married. And now that never-been-married-before man is a seriously amazing husband.

Just like I wouldn’t want anyone to hold my past against me, someone’s romantic history doesn’t tell the story of their romantic future. Focus more on their character traits than on the characters they dated or married. Pay more attention to their readiness now then their readiness then. And most importantly, look for someone that will learn along with you as you navigate a life together.

Ten Ways Your Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce better

I don’t think anyone ever responds to the childhood question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “Divorced.” Yet, for many of us, the end of a marriage does become part of our life story. I know I don’t have to point out the downsides of divorce to you; after all, they have a way of speaking for themselves.

But what about the upsides? What about the ways that your divorce, even if it was of the unwanted or malignant variety, has made you better than before?

Because whether you realize it or not, divorce (like many other life challenges) has changed you. Shaped you. Strengthened you.

Its harsh grit has left you polished. Its demands have made you grow. And the pain has left its mark.

You aren’t the same person you were before. You’re better.

Maturity

You may have to be a legal adult to get married, but there are no tests for maturity before we pledge our lives wed to another. And in many cases, we enter our first marriages still children in many ways. Perhaps we placed too much faith in the idea of soul mates and happily ever after. Maybe we didn’t fully appreciate the effort that marriage requires. And possibly we still carried childhood wounds and patterns into our marriages rather than assuming adult responsibility for our own responses.

Divorce is like a drill sergeant yelling, “Grow up!” into your tear-streamed face. It leaves no room for childhood fantasies and overdependence on others. It requires that you put on your big-girl panties or big-boy briefs. Maybe for the first time in your life.

Confidence

In the beginning, divorce saps your confidence. You may be feeling defeated because you couldn’t hold your marriage together. If an affair was part of your divorce story, you’re wondering what the new partner had that you do not. And once you face the dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, your self-doubt grows.

However, that’s only part of the story.

Because whenever you successfully complete something that you thought you could not do, you gain confidence. Whenever you have to reframe your assumptions about your weaknesses and limitations, you fuel belief in yourself. Whenever you face your fears and survive, you acquire strength. And whenever you come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, you build trust in your abilities. And divorce certainly provides these opportunities in spades.

Perspective

The only way to truly understand something is to first walk through it and then step back and look upon it from a distance. There’s a reason that some of the best marriage advice comes from people who have been divorced – they know the beginning, the middle and what can lead to end in a way that those only speaking from within cannot fathom.

As time goes on, and your divorce moves further back in the rearview mirror, you will be able to see patterns less clouded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gives you information that you can use to change your own behaviors and to improve your future relationships.

Continue to read the rest.

Pages: 1 2

Stepping on Toes in the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness

“But I just wanted to be happy,” my couldn’t-be-ex-quickly-enough whined to the police officer in the interview room where he was being questioned for bigamy.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to commit a felony,” the officer responded. I could hear him shaking his head in disbelief as he related this encounter to me on the phone later that day.

It brings up an interesting question though – when is it okay to cause distress to others on your own path to self fulfillment?

Your first impulse may be, “never.” Yet, we are not responsible for another’s happiness and we are in charge of our own. And there are times when you may have to step on some toes in order to make the changes that you need to make for you.

And it’s actually more harmful to engage in the people-pleasing (or cowardly) dance around the toes than to be honest and upfront from the beginning. When we try to protect people from our truth, we are acting as gatekeepers, something no relationship on common footing should ever have. Additionally, in trying to avoid hurting anyone, you create an environment seeded for deception (if you do want you want and lie about it to protect the other or yourself) or contempt and resentment (if you don’t follow your dreams and you blame your partner for your circumstances).

There are times when you have to step on some toes. Bruise some egos. Utter words that you know will lead to tears. And maybe even make a decision that causes a heart to break.

It’s not your job to ensure that your partner never feels pain. It’s not your role to act as security guard for your partner’s ego. And it’s not your responsibility to protect your partner’s cheeks from tears.

There are times that you may have to step on some toes in order to find your happiness.

But you are responsible for ensuring that you step as gently as possible. (Unlike my ex, who pretty much tap danced in combat boots over everyone in his life.)

If you are feeling unfulfilled in your life and you suspect that the pursuit of your own happiness will end up hurting others, here is what you need to consider if you want to tread as lightly as possible:

Don’t Be Impulsive

We all get irritated at times. We all reach a breaking point where eruptions are inevitable. This is not the time to throw out some news that will hurt your partner. Wait until you are calm and deliberate. Words can never be erased.

Speak Your Truth Clearly

Say it as it is. Provide the basics and only elaborate if asked.

Do Not Spread Blame

Even if you see your partner as responsible, this is not the time to point fingers. Own your part. And make sure you’re not on a snipe hunt for happiness. Not only is that not fair to your partner, you will never find what you’re looking for.

Be Patient

This may be old news to you, but it’s a breaking headline to your partner. Give them the time and space needed to adjust.

Accept That Some Pain is Inevitable

You can’t keep your partner from hurting. Offer comfort if it is welcome and don’t censor or try to minimize the pain.

Strive to Not Respond to Anger

When we are surprised and in pain, we often lash out. Try to not respond to anger; it won’t lessen the impact of your announcement.

Enlist Professional Help If Needed

Whether the news is delivered in a counseling office or a therapist is secured after-the-fact, recognize that help may be needed.

Listen and Keep an Open Mind

You may have reached a conclusion on your own. Be willing to listen to your partner. First, so that they can feel understood and also because you may find an alternative you did not consider.

And I discourage bigamy; you’ll find the police aren’t very sympathetic:)

Virtual Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b

He noticed her as soon as her entered. An older woman, well dressed, standing at the counter watching the gemologist examine a rather large stone under magnification.

As my husband completed his transaction, paying for the new battery and taking possession of his watch, he couldn’t help but overhear the exchange between the woman and the expert.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to tell you. The stone isn’t real.”

“The bastard!, she exclaimed,”The other one wasn’t real either.”

Through the remaining conversation, my husband was able to glean that the woman had recently been divorced and the jewelry was awarded to her in the proceedings with an assumption as to its value. Only now she was learning that part (or maybe even all) of what she thought she had to her name was worthless. And a lie.

Perhaps she was spoiled, and looking for more than her substantial settlement, but my husband read her as more panicky than pampered.

When Brock recounted this story to me, my first thought was to the duration of the deception. Did her ex husband gift her that jewelry twenty years ago with false stones in place from the beginning? Or, as I was afraid my ex may have done, were the real stones replaced at some point with lookalikes so that the husband could surreptitiously withdraw from the marital funds?

My heart ached for the woman. Not only does it hurt terribly to discover you’ve been living in a virtual reality, it is disorienting beyond belief once those goggles come off and you have to decide what is real. And what is illusion.

The mystery of the woman and the ring mirror the one question about my first marriage that still haunts me – did I marry a false man or did I marry a real man who was replaced at some point with a counterfeit? 

That’s one mystery that will never be solved. All I know is what he was at the end was certainly no diamond, despite how he acted.

And when I went to sell my ring at the conclusion of the divorce, my stone was still real. I guess he wasn’t clever enough to squeeze that stone for cash. Thank goodness for small blessings:)