The Five Kinds of People You Need in Your Life During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is an all-hands-on-deck proposition. These are the five types of people you need to make sure you have in your life during divorce:

The Never-Married

Strangely enough, you may find that your single friends are the best equipped to sit with you through the even the most brutal emotions. That’s because your divorce can ignite fear in your married friends, as they grapple with (or seek to avoid) the possibility that it could happen to them and it may trigger old and painful memories in your divorced friends. On the other hand, an empathic single friend may be able to hear your greatest sorrows and greatest fears because it doesn’t hit too close to home.

Additionally, your single companions are excellent models of independence. On those days when you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to be able to do it all without your partner, look to these friends for inspiration and advice. They can help you find the joy and the freedom inherent in being single and help you distinguish between being alone and being lonely.

Your friends that are not married may be more available for you and may have more flexible schedules. They can be your activity partners and your on-call support system. You can hang out with them on those days when you simply can’t bear to see another happy couple.

On the other hand, those that have never been married may be dismissive about the enormous impact your divorce has on you. They’ve never been there and so they may struggle to “get it.” This does not necessarily indicate that they don’t care; it just means that they cannot fully understand.

The Divorced

These are the friends that get it. They’ve been there and they understand the magnitude of what you’re going through. They will nod in understanding when you talk about the endless hours of the nights or the heart-breaking feeling of seeing your daughter’s tears upon learning the news.

Your divorced friends can offer you concrete advice and ideas about how to navigate this transition. You may be offered everything from a good attorney’s name to suggestions about how to remove your ex’s name from your insurance. These friends become your informal mentors as you learn from their steps and missteps.

Perhaps the most important gift that your divorced friends have to offer is one of hope. Maybe you witnessed their breakdown after the breakup of their own marriage and now you see them thriving years later. Whether they’ve found a new partner or decided to remain single, they are the living, breathing proof that there is life after divorce.

Conversely, you may find that you have some divorced friends that are still angry, still bitter. When they learn of your impending divorce, they may delight at finding someone else who can share in this acrimonious bath. Be wary of this energy; it’s not only toxic, it’s contagious.

The Married

Whereas the divorced friends may make you feel like giving up on love, your married friends remind you that it’s still possible. The best of these friends let their vulnerability peek through, sharing with you their own trials and fears within their marriage as well as revealing the love they still have for their spouse. Unlike the “Facebook perfect” couple, seeing the real and imperfect people within the real and imperfect marriage helps you come to terms with the fact that every marriage faces hard times and that it’s possible for love to still prevail.

By watching your married friends as you start to analyze the end of your marriage, you may begin to realize how your relationship went off the rails. Watching others interact can help you learn what you want and who you want to be in your next relationship.

If your friend’s marriage isn’t so good, it can serve as a reminder that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the aisle. In fact, it may even bring a sense of relief that you’re no longer in a similar situation.

No matter how wonderful your married friends are, they can be painful to be around, as they serve as a reminder as what you no longer have. Sometimes, often unintentionally, they may say or do something that promotes a sense of guilt, shame or failure in you because your marriage ended and theirs has not.

The Young

Your married friends can sometimes be judgmental about your relationship status. Children never are. With their limited experiences and smaller worldview, they simply accept you as you are without regard to what’s happening behind the scenes.

The curiosity and exuberance of children is catching. When you spend time with them, you begin to see the world through their eyes, full of wonder and possibility. They encourage openness and playfulness, both traits often lacking during divorce.

However, too much time around the young during times of difficulty can amplify your feelings of despair as you contrast their naïve innocence with the brutal reality of what you’re experiencing.

The Old

The elderly can bring the duel gifts of perspective and wisdom during life’s trials. They have lived long enough to experience many cycles of growth and contraction. They have seen how tragedies can often become the birthplace of greatness. They can share stories of loves found and lost and found again. And they can share their own struggles and speak to the overcoming of it.

The words passed down from those who have lived through it all are a reminder that this is merely one chapter of your life and that there is hope for you still.

 

How to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself (and Start Feeling Better) After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you relate to any of these feelings after divorce?

“It’s not fair that my family has been torn apart!”

“This sucks! I hate having to start over at this stage of my life.”

“My ex seems to be doing just fine. Why am I having such a hard time of this?”

“Nobody else gets this. They haven’t had to deal with the stuff I’ve been dealt.”

I felt all of those and more during those first dark months. There were many days that seemed hopeless and the lonely nights stretched into eternity.

To the public, I put on a hopeful face. While behind closed doors, I threw myself quite the pity party after my ex husband cheated and then left the marriage.

The theme of the shindig was simple – innocent woman victimized by malicious husband. I resisted mailing out invitations, yet I encouraged others to attend by sharing the sordid details of what he did to me. The playlist featured various versions of, “It’s not fair,” stuck on repeat. The space was decorated with reminders of my former life, strewn about like fetid petals clinging to the floor.

This pity party went on for far too long, until its motif grew dull and everyone, including me, tired of its lack of momentum. And more than anything else, I became tired of feeling sorry for myself. And so I decided to crash my own pity party.

I found the following techniques helpful to stop feeling sorry for myself after divorce:

1 –  Fire the victim and hire the hero.

In the beginning, I focused on what was done to me. I was the object of the actions, the victim. Eventually, I grew weary of that role. After all, it really is quite limiting. I made the decision to fire the victim and hire the hero, taking charge of my own life from that point forward. This reframing of your role has to come before you can begin to make changes in your situation.

2 –  Depersonalize the situation.

Part of my “poor me” came from my early belief that my once-loving husband had somehow morphed into some malevolent creature worthy of a Marvel feature. I saw him as the weapon and me as the target. With some time and consideration, I began to realize that his actions had little to do with me. I just happened to be in the way. It still stinks to realize that you’re collateral damage, but it’s easier than accepting that you’re the hapless prey.

3  – Put it in perspective.

Even to this day, when I reflect upon my divorce, I have a tendency to be overdramatic and claim that I lost everything. Yet even though it felt like all was gone, that wasn’t quite true. I still had family, friends, career and hope that I could rebuild again. Resist the temptation to sensationalize what happened. The dry facts are often much easier to swallow.

4 – Use anger as fuel to motivate action.

“It’s not fair!” became my go-to phrase. And it was accurate. It wasn’t fair. But it was the reality. So I bundled up all of that rage about the unjustness of it all and I used it as energy to write my story and to make changes in my new life. Instead of wasting the energy of the anger on your ex or your divorce, try funneling it into the creation of something better. Even if you have a, “I’ll show them!” attitude while doing it.

5 – Edit your personal narrative.

I used to say, “I was abandoned” when speaking about my divorce. And with every repetition of that phrase, I felt even more discarded. Once I realized that I was self-inflicting further trauma with my words, I shifted to, “My ex left,” which left me feeling much better. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. Be intentional with the words and phrases you repeat to yourself.

6 – Avoid pity party attendees.

Living in the South, I probably heard, “Well, bless your little heart” dozens of times a day during my divorce. At first, I accepted those words and the pitying embraces that accompanied them. I felt comforted. Validated. But then as I started to find my voice and embrace my inner hero, those words began to chafe. At some point, those that continue to pity you will begin to hold you back. Avoid them and instead seek out those who inspire you.

7 – Remind yourself that it could be worse.

My ex left me holding the debt he incurred while building his other life (and while courting his other wife). As I made those painful payments every month, I reminded myself that at least I could pay off that balance, even if it meant living lean for a few years. Whether considering your own situation or comparing it with others, remember that it could always be worse than it is. And be thankful that it’s not.

8 – Keep a daily gratitude journal.

My journal was my savior that first year. It didn’t judge my anger, censor my pain or question my fears. But perhaps its most important role was to help train me in the art of gratitude as I made an effort to consider something I was thankful for each day. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re busy being grateful. Whether on paper or on an app, try jotting down one to two things you’re thankful for every day.

9 – Ban the words, “I wish” and “Why me?”

I spent some time wanting things to be different, falling down a rabbit hole of “how?,” “why?” and “I wish.” Every time I indulged those words, I felt worse. Hopeless, even. Those were thoughts anchored in hopes. Instead, I replaced them with views leading to action – “I can,” “I will” and “I have.” By making this switch, you shifting your focus from what happened in the past to what you can control in the future.

10 – Call in reinforcements.

Of all of the people in my life during the divorce, surprisingly the policeman who arrested my husband became one of the most important. As an officer, he had seen it all and so he was largely immune to the shock of my situation (although he still says it’s the story he tells the most!). His matter-of-factness and lack of effusive sympathy was exactly what I needed. Seek out people who help lift you out of feeling sorry for yourself through a combination of encouragement and butt-kicking. It may not always feel great in the moment, but it will pay dividends later.

11 – Build your confidence.

Part of my self-pity was anchored in a feeling of weakness and apprehension. I felt small and broken, impotent against insurmountable odds. So I started to challenge myself, to build my strength, baby step by baby step. I faced my fears – the small ones at first – and tested my beliefs about my limitations. Self-pity thrives on unease and frailty. As you begin to build your confidence, you starve out pity.

12 – Learn from fictional heroes.

I became obsessed with the True Blood books during my divorce. Not only was the series light and easy to follow, I envied Sookie Stackhouse’s can-do attitude no matter what disasters befell her. I even found myself thinking WWSD (What Would Sookie Do?) throughout the difficult days. Find a particular character that embodies who you want to be and channel their energy on the days when you don’t feel strong enough on your own.

13 – Consider the role model you want to be.

I remember looking out at my class of eighth graders one day as the court date for my divorce rapidly approached. I was scared. Frightened of what would happen. Anxious about what would come next. And then I looked at those kids, who were looking to me as a role model. And I decided that I wanted to show them courage and perseverance, not fear and self-pity. Who are you a role model for in your life? What do you want to teach them by your reactions?

14 – Replace pity with compassion.

Part of my pity party was a cry for compassion, both from myself and others. I wanted the pain to be heard. To be recognized. With pity, the pain is nurtured whereas with compassion, the pain is acknowledged and then the person is nurtured. Compassion accepts the suffering and also advocates the overcoming of it.

15 – Fake it until you make it.

At work, I spoke confidently about my plans for my future. With my friends, I expressed unbridled interest in dating. Yet at home, once the sun went down and I was in the safety of my bed, I still wondered why I had to endure this. And the strangest thing began to happen. The more I practiced the brave, “I got this” face, the more I began to believe it. And as my faith in myself fueled my progress, I began to experience surprise when people expressed pity for what happened.

Because at some point, the worst thing that had ever happened had become a turning point that led to the best days of my life.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create a life that you love.

Divorce: Expectations vs. Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Was your divorce anything like you would have expected divorce to be like?

I know mine wasn’t.

Not. Even. Close.

Movies, books, billboards, magazine articles and my own parent’s divorce created certain expectations in my mind about what I could anticipate from divorce.

But the reality?

Something entirely different.

We think we know about divorce. We’ve watched untold examples of what happens after the end of a marriage unfold on film. Perhaps we’ve survived the separation of our parents or watched our friends’ marriages dissolve from the sidelines. We’ve read articles and listened to interviews about what causes divorce and how to navigate it if it appears at our doorstep.

We think we know about divorce.

Until it happens to us. And then we’re forced to accept that our expectations are often misguided and that the reality of divorce is something altogether different.

 

Expectation: Divorce won’t happen to me; my spouse and I will always be able to work things out.

Reality: Divorce is always a possibility. You may end up with a spouse that leaves or one that refuses to put in the effort. Or, you may find that you have changed and the marriage no longer makes sense for you. While there are plenty of not-so-good marriages that go the distance, no good marriage ends in divorce. If it’s over, something wasn’t working, even if you can’t identify the cracks yet.

Expectation: I wanted this divorce, so it won’t impact me that much emotionally.

Reality: Divorce is hard on everyone, whether you’re the one who initiated the split or not. Often, the one who started the ball rolling wrestles with the decision for some time and may even feel guilty about “giving up.” They may have wanted desperately for the marriage to work, but their partner isn’t willing to meet their efforts. Additionally, the partner who leaves the marriage is often blamed for the split and may not receive the same sympathy from friends and family.

 

Expectation: This divorce blindsided me and I won’t be able to get past it.

Reality: The shock is immense and the blast wave levels everything in sight. Your breath has stopped and it feels as though your world has too. At first, you feel completely powerless and utterly destroyed. However, in time, you’ll begin to regain your senses and your sense of autonomy over your life. You may not have asked for this change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to move through it.

Expectation: The courts will see how poorly my ex behaved and they will respond appropriately.

Reality: The courts don’t care about your feelings or about how much of a jerk your ex is. Don’t go in expecting sympathy or outrage; they’ve heard it all (and they also have learned to doubt one-sided stories). Additionally, the system is not designed to “punish” spouses who behaved badly; the court’s focus is simply on dissolving the legal ties of matrimony.

Expectation: Our situation is relatively straightforward, so the legal divorce should happen quickly.

Reality: Some states place a mandatory waiting period between the legal separation and divorce. Others have no such mandate, but the constant delays and rescheduling that plagues the court system effectively acts as a brake on the process. Sometimes, the divorce can be completed within a matter of weeks. But more often, it drags out for closer to a year.

Expectation: Both my ex and I are generally reasonable people, so we won’t let this divorce turn ugly.

Reality: You don’t really know a person until you divorce them. Divorce has a way of making even the most rational people act crazy, with its unfamiliar situations and very high stakes. It’s easy to become involved in a tit-for-tat war or to allow your emotions to drive your decisions. Furthermore, there is often a slippery slope of poor decisions, where the unthinkable slowly begins to feel perfectly normal.

Expectation: I’ve seen those billboards that advertise divorces for $200, so the expense can’t be that bad.

Reality: If you stick with mediation and generally agree with your ex on the terms of your divorce, you can make it through with minimal expense. However, as soon as the lawyers get involved, the financial impact can skyrocket quickly to the average of $15,000-$20,000 per person. And that’s not taking into account any major custody or property battles. In order to manage your expenses, be very clear about your long-term goals and make sure you don’t waste money on details that don’t align with these objectives.

Expectation: Once I have the decree in hand, everything will be okay.

Reality: In addition to legally dissolving your marriage, your decree may also spell out certain expectations for finances, custody or dividing property. It’s easy to believe that these mandates printed on an official, notarized document, will all be carried out according to the decree. However, your ex may refuse to follow the judge’s directions and, if that happens, it is up to you to take them back to court.

Expectation: After the divorce, I won’t have to deal with my ex again.

Reality: If you and your ex have children together, they will always be in your life to some extent (even once the children are adults). In addition to parenting demands, you may also have to deal with your ex about financial situations or when untangling other accounts. Regardless of their actual presence, you will probably find that they still have a strong emotional existence for you for some time.

Expectation: We’ve worked out the co-parenting agreement, so now it will be smooth sailing.

Reality: No matter how smooth, the co-parenting relationship will always be evolving and will always require a certain amount of diplomacy and trust. As the kids grow and change and new partners for you and/or your ex enter the scene, alterations will have to be made. You also may find that your agreement didn’t address certain issues or that your ex doesn’t always adhere to the terms. The sailing will get smoother, but storms will still have to be navigated at times.

Expectation: My ex was never really present, so I know what it’s like to be a single parent.

Reality: There’s a difference between having a partner that travels or one that doesn’t take an active role in the kid’s lives and being the only adult in the house at 2:00 a.m. when your toddler’s fever is well into the triple digits. The sense of responsibility is magnified and the potential for isolation grows. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Expectation: Divorce is so common now, so there really isn’t a stigma about it.

Reality: The divorced are no longer viewed as heathens, but you may still find that some people conclude that you give up too easily or that you fail to put in the effort required. More often, you may find that people are afraid to accept that divorce could happen to them, so they try to find a way that you’re somehow at fault so that they can believe that they are safe from it’s touch.

Expectation: Other than being single, not much else in my life will change.

Reality: Divorce has a way of impacting pretty much everything. Your friendships will change as some people exit your inner circle and you move others in. Work may be impacted by your need to free up more time for your children or your motivation to bring in more money. Time which used to be dedicated by default to family is now more amorphous, needing your direction. Some of these changes will be difficult and others will be welcomed, but it’s largely a given that widespread change will occur.

Expectation: I’ll take a few months to get my life sorted out and then I’ll be over the divorce.

Reality: The average person requires between one and two years to feel “moved on” from divorce. And that’s just the average. Many people, either because of the particular factors of their split or their backgrounds, require longer. You can expect improvement within the first few months, but you will most likely not yet be “over it.” And that’s okay.

How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?

Expectation: Healing will progress in a steady manner.

Reality: When emotional setbacks occur, it’s easy to become frustrated and disheartened, discounting the months of progress. This climb forward, slide backward pattern is extremely common and it not a sign that there is anything wrong with you or that you will never heal. There will be triggers that pull you back after several good weeks and anniversaries that welcome you like a sucker punch to the gut. You’ll get through them and, each time you do, they get a little easier.

Expectation: If I don’t give attention to my emotions, they will eventually fade.

Reality: It’s tempting to try to shove all of that divorce sadness, rejection and anger under the rug in an attempt to make it disappear. And for a time, it may seem to be an effective strategy. However, by ignoring those feelings, you are only giving them more power over you. The only way to allow the negative emotions to lose their grip over you is to confront them and become comfortable with their presence. Only then will they begin to fade.

Expectation: All of these issues are because of my ex and the marriage, so they’re all behind me now.

Reality: Surprisingly enough, some of the issues you had in your marriage probably stem from your childhood. Were you mirroring your parent’s relationship, looking for the parental approval you never had or replaying your script of rejection? This is an amazing opportunity to begin to delve into those childhood wounds so that you can heal those early – and internalized – pains.

Expectation: I’m SO over my ex. I don’t care what they do anymore.

Reality: Maybe it’s been months. Or even years. The early pining or animosity towards your ex has faded and has been replaced with a general sense of ambivalence. And then you receive the news – they are seeing someone else or even getting married again. You’re shocked. Hurt. Jealous and also sad. It’s very normal to have this reaction when you first learn of your ex moving on. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent nor is it fatal.

Expectation: I’m NEVER dating or getting married again!

Reality: The end of a relationship hurts and it’s natural to be inclined to avoid relationships – and the potential of pain – in its aftermath. Yet, in time, that early resolve may fade and you may decide that love (even with its inherent risks) is more valuable than the safe position of being alone. Luckily, it’s a decision that you can revisit whenever you wish. Remain open to possibility that you may change your mind.

Expectation: I’ll never get over the divorce.

Reality: You WILL make it through the divorce and its aftermath. In fact, upon reflection after some time has passed, many people are able to see their divorce as a turning point for the better in their lives.

How Being Cheated On Impacts Your Next Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not fair.

That instead of following the promise to have and to hold, your spouse made the decision to crumple up and throw away those vows. That your partner chose to forsake you in the pursuit of others. That your other half replaced intimacy with lies and betrayal, eroding the marriage from within.

And now you’re left dealing with the consequences of those choices.

It’s not fair.

You’re angry that you’ve been put in this position and maybe even wondering if relationships are worth the potential pain. You’re worried that you may struggle to trust again and that if you do, betrayal may find you yet again. You’re embarrassed that you were defrauded and you doubt your own perceptions and choices. You’re tired of being the responsible one, the one who cleans up the mess that is left behind.

And it’s not fair.

The unfortunate fact is that your partner’s infidelity not only impacted your marriage, it will also continue to impact you moving forward. The good news is that with awareness and intention on your part, you can limit and even learn to benefit from some of that influence.

And it all starts with recognizing the impacted that being cheated on has on your next relationship.

Trust is Replaced With Doubt

Most people confide that the realization of the ongoing deception was the most painful part of being cheated on. It’s so difficult to integrate what you now know about your partner with what you thought you knew.

At the minimum, lies of omission were carefully maintained in an attempt to conceal the truth of the affair. Half-truths were delivered and excuses offered up in order to buy opportunity for indiscretion. As a result, you now have trouble taking people at their word. Is he really staying late at the office, or is that just the story you’re being fed?

It’s easy to get carried away with truth-finding, veering into the dangerous territory of obsessive snooping and interrogation, punishing a new partner for the sins of the old. It’s natural to want to control things. To pursue lies like a cat hunting down its prey. Yet the reality is that no amount of searching will uncover everything and that operating from a place of assuming deception will ruin everything. There’s a balance that must be reached between trusting everything and believing nothing. And you reach that point, you will be miserable in every new relationship and you will make your partner miserable as well.

In the worst cases of infidelity, gaslighting tactics were used against you, causing you to have trouble trusting even the most basic of perceptions. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where careful and crafty manipulations are used to make you doubt your sanity and your observations. The impact of gaslighting is more persistent and more nefarious than that of the garden-variety lie because your trust issues are less with others and more with yourself. Recovering from this type of abuse takes time, persistence and a constant awareness of its impact.

Finding the Sweet Spot Between Naiveté and Panic

Insecurity Can Run Wild 

You thought your partner had your back when instead they were cheating behind it. You expected your spouse to be there for you only to discover they were trying to free themselves of you. When the affair came to light, you felt powerless. Worthless as you concluded that somehow you weren’t enough for your spouse. Your partner made the decision to have an affair and all you can do is react as your marriage slips out of your hands.

And the natural reaction when we lose our grip is to grasp even tighter.

It’s not unusual for those that have been cheated upon to smother their new relationships. It can be an attractant at first. After all, you doesn’t like to receive attention? However, the insecurity behind those actions will eventually make itself clear and have the unintended consequence of pushing people away.

Insecurity can also lead to an uptick in perfectionist and people-pleasing qualities in an effort to be the “perfect partner” and to avoid future infidelity. Those strategies will also backfire as they have a tendency to slide into resentment or martyrdom.

The remedy for insecurity isn’t found in holding tighter or in the illusion of perfection. Security is found within, in trusting yourself, your instincts and your decisions. When you seek validation outside of yourself, you will never find it. When you find validation within yourself, you will never lose it.

Defenses Are Fortified

“I will never allow myself to be hurt like that again!”

I get it. The pain of betrayal is so piercing. So all-encompassing that all you want is for the agony to end and to never take the risk of feeling it again.

And so you build walls. Allow people in, but only so far. You rationalize your choices by claiming that they are smart. Prudent. That when you went all-in before it was out of a foolishness of youth.

You may find that when discord does strike, you have a sudden and intense impulse to cut your losses and end the relationship. You’d rather be the one leaving rather than again being the one left behind.

It’s tempting to try to build a relationship in such a way to mitigate risk. But relationships don’t work that way. Without vulnerability, there is no chance of connection. Of intimacy. Of all of the things that make love worthwhile.

Responsibility May be Shifted

Are you caught up in blaming the other woman for seducing your hapless husband? Or are you convinced that your wife’s flaws are the reason for the affair and that if you have a different partner that all of the problems will disappear?

There is a temptation to believe that if we just had the right partner, that infidelity will be held at bay. There is an instinctual reaction to lay all of the blame at the feet of the betrayer and their affair partner(s) while avoiding the difficult work of looking within.

While you are by no means responsible for your partner’s transgressions, the truth is that an affair is a wake up call that you shouldn’t sleep through. Maybe you need to work on your own courage and assertiveness so that future problems can be addressed rather than swept away. You may realize that you had been inadvertently abandoning the marriage by directing all your attention to work or to children.

At the very least, reflect on why you chose this person and/or chose to stay with this person who responded to difficulty or discontent with dishonesty. Were you afraid of being alone? Did you feel unworthy of someone better? Were you operating on fairytales and blind hope?

This is important work and work that cannot be outsourced to another. Ultimately, you and you alone are responsible for your happiness and well-being no matter your relationship status.

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

 

Confidence is Built

At first, your confidence will most likely take a hit. Especially if you feel as though you were traded in for a younger/prettier/smarter/richer model. But in time? As you begin to conquer obstacles that once seemed insurmountable and you realize that you are stronger than you ever imagined?

You start to trust that you can handle anything that crosses your path.

That newfound confidence will impact your next relationship. Those on the dating scene that are looking for malleable and controllable partners will pass you by. You will begin to see your worth and seek out those that see it too.

You are no longer afraid of being alone. You enter and maintain relationships out of desire to be paired rather than a fear of being solitary. You are less likely to stay in a toxic relationship and have more courage to address issues in a strained one.

That’s not to say that you will never flounder, never fear. You will. But following that slide will be a little whisper from the back of your mind, “You have been through so much and survived. You can handle this.” And that little voice is right.

How Conquering Divorce Gives You Confidence

Acceptance is Reached

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of betrayal know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.

10 Things People Who Thrive After Divorce DON’T Do!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’re accustomed to hearing information and advice about what we should do after divorce. But what about those things that are better avoided if we want to eventually find or create a better life after divorce? Here are ten things that people that thrive don’tdo:

1 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to pretend they’re okay.

 

It’s partly a knee-jerk reaction and partly an effort to present our best selves to the world when we respond to “How are you?” with “Fine.” Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, this response is sufficient and mostly accurate. Divorce is not one of those times.

During divorce, most of us experience the extremes of emotions all tumbling within our bruised hearts at any given moment. And it’s easier to say, “Fine.” than to admit to the paralyzing fear that we will never find love again. It’s less scary to pretend to be okay than to confront the fear that we’re really not coping very well. In a time when our esteem has already taken a beating, we want to appear as confident and capable. Even if it’s just an illusion.

Pretending to be okay often feels like you’re doing others a favor. Yet you’re protecting them at the expense of yourself. The problem with pretending to be okay is that it prevents you from receiving the help you may need and the limited vulnerability promotes loneliness as you avoid true intimacy with others.

Those who thrive will admit to themselves and others when they’re not okay. They will give themselves the time and space to heal and they will accept assistance from others. Becoming okay often begins by accepting when you’re not.

Playing Make-Believe With Your Healing Progress

 

2 – People who thrive after divorce don’t take themselves too seriously.

 

Divorce is serious business. It has a significant and powerful effect on those affected, from a loss of vitality and financial security to difficulty functioning and the stress of major loss and transition. It requires consistent effort and attention and money to survive the shift from married to single.  And it’s easy to become overburdened with the responsibilities or to become consumed with the impact the split will have on the children.

Those who thrive after divorce don’t neglect their duties or minimize the consequences of the end of the marriage, yet they also manage to find the comedy within the tragedy. Whether by taking advantage of a lighthearted moment or using dark humor to poke fun at a horrific situation, they allow the smiles to shine alongside their tears.

Humor not only allows for play and respite, refraining from taking yourself too seriously also helps you to forgive yourself for your stumbles and missteps as you’re learning how to be in this new and topsy-turvy world. When you can laugh at yourself, it’s a great reminder that you have the power to interpret what happens to you.

 

3 – People who thrive after divorce don’t follow rigid rules.

 

“Don’t date for at least a year after divorce.”

“You should always try for mediation instead of going to court.”

“Never talk about your divorce at work.”

It seems the rules for how we are “supposed” to manage life after divorce are endless. There are rigid social guidelines for everything from how to leave your spouse to how (and when) to meet the next one. Some of the advice is good, some of it excellent. Much of it comes from years of experience and even research.

Yet none of that matters if the advice isn’t right for you.

Many of us seek guidance after divorce. Lost, confused and overwhelmed, we’re looking for somebody to tell us exactly what to do and what steps to take to make it through. It’s great to learn from others and gain from the shared wisdom of experience. And it’s even better when you process that advice through your own beliefs and needs and shape it into something that makes sense for you.

Those that thrive after divorce are open to counsel, yet they refuse to follow rules just for the sake of following rules. They listen, they learn, they reflect and then they do what feels right for them.

 

4 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from becoming bound by their revenge fantasies.

 

Some ex-spouses are pretty terrible people or at least they behave in some terrible ways before, during and after divorce. And when we’re hurt, it’s tempting to strike back in anger and frustration. The mind becomes a fertile playground for revenge fantasies suitable for a Hollywood script.

The mental vengeance can feel purgative and empowering, restoring a sense of balance and fairness while releasing some of the vitriol. We want the ex to suffer so that they can know the pain they inflicted on us. We want them to be miserable because it seems a fitting consequence for their malevolence. We scan their pictures with their new partner looking for signs of unhappiness or carefully dissect their words looking for cracks in the happy façade.

Those who thrive after divorce are certainly no saints. Their minds still entertain these dark and vindictive thoughts. Yet they refrain from getting too caught up in their need for revenge or their desire to see consequences fall upon their ex.

The thrivers understand that by giving too space to these negative thoughts, they are preventing themselves from moving forward. Instead of worrying about what their ex is doing, they strive to turn their energy towards creating a life that they enjoy.

How to Move Forward When You Still Want Revenge

 

5- People who thrive after divorce avoid leaving their divorce unframed.

 

When divorce happens, it often feels messy and unrestrained. It presents as the disruption of everything normal and a destroyer of lives. It may have felt inevitable like a slowly rising tide or it may have presented as a tsunami, wiping out your life in a single catastrophic event.

Regardless of the presentation, your early efforts are focused on survival. On simply making it through the one day and onto the next. It’s tempting to refrain from looking back upon the destruction of the divorce.

Yet that’s exactly what those who thrive do. After they’ve made it through the survival stage, the thrivers consider the entire divorce experience and decide what purpose it will serve in their lives. They take that catastrophe and they frame it as an experience that has allowed them to learn, to grow or to help others. They find the purpose within the pain and surround their experience with gratitude for its unexpected gifts.

 

6 – People who thrive after divorce refuse to turn their narrative into a reality show.

 

In the world of television drama, conflict is celebrated, everyone is forced into a narrow mold of “hero” or “villain” and stories follow predictable arcs towards resolution.

Life is not television.

We have become so accustomed to fictional and manipulated narratives that we often expect our lives to follow a similar path. We focus on the sordid details, welcoming the excitement and drama even as we realize that it makes us feel ill in the process. We all-too-easily cast our exes (and maybe their new partners) as narcissists or monsters. And we expect that life should be a series of events worthy of airtime.

Instead of seeking drama, those that thrive after divorce avoid the secret thrill that comes from digging into the dirt because they are well-aware of the negative aftereffects. They recognize that their ex is human and fallible and so are they. Resolution is viewed less as, “The end” and more as “The next step.” In place of stirring up drama, they strive to find a place of detached compassion.

 

7 – People who thrive after divorce don’t treat their children as pawns or victims.

 

It can be tempting to use the children as an implement of control or power when your ex is being difficult or unreasonable. Within the court system, the kids are often treated like the fake rabbits used in dog racing, so that the parents keep shoveling money into their respective attorney’s pockets. In the worst of cases, one parent badmouths the other in front of the kids in an attempt to win favor and turn the children against their parent.

On the other end of the spectrum, some families focus so much on the effect that the divorce has on the children that they unintentionally promote a feeling of victimhood in their offspring. The kids begin to feel as though they are broken and need to be protected. The parents, feeling guilty, overindulge and overprotect their kids.

In thriving families, the impact on the kids is mitigated wherever possible and it is also not magnified. The children are allowed to express their feelings and are also encouraged to not be limited by them. Those that thrive help their kids without enabling them and they accept the impact of the divorce without marinating in guilt.

 

8 – People who thrive after divorce abstain from catastrophizing a bad day.

 

During divorce, we are often living on the razor edge of a breakdown and it doesn’t take much to push us off the narrow edge of getting by and being okay-ish. Those are the bad days, when the brunt of responsibility collides with a lack of rest and the seemingly insurmountable weight of grief.

Those who thrive experience those bad days just as frequently as anyone else. They have those moments when it all feels impossible and nothing seems like it’s working in their favor. The difference is in the narrative surrounding the misery. People who are struggling often generalize their unhappiness, allowing a “bad day” to become a “bad life” like a newly-dyed burgundy sheet transferring its pigment to the rest of the laundry.

In contrast, those who thrive create boundaries around the terrible times. They may whither under the gloom of a bad day, but they also know that tomorrow may again bring the sun. They use language to communicate these walls, avoiding all-encompassing words such as “always” and “never” and clarifying that the current misery, no matter how bad, is always transitory.

 

9 – People who thrive after divorce refrain from making the divorce the most important thing in their life.

 

The stress of divorce is ranked as higher than that of imprisonment, major injury and even the loss of a family member. There is no doubt that divorce is a major event in one’s life, a dividing line between “before” and “after.”

Divorce changes you. Its tears wash away any remaining naiveté you carried into adulthood. It forces you to summon courage you never knew you had and to face fears that always seemed too big to name. It allows doubt to creep in and makes you accept the harder truths of life and its inevitable loss.

Without a doubt, divorce has a major influence on you.

Yet it does not have to define you.

Those that thrive see their divorces as one of a series of events that have shaped them, helped them grow. They acknowledge its impact. Yet they also refuse to build a shrine around it, elevating its importance.

The thrivers live with their eulogies in mind – focusing more on their life purpose and their lasting impact than on the series of milestones they have moved through.

 

10 – People who thrive after divorce don’t give up.

 

Even those that thrive don’t thrive every day.

They just refuse to give up.

Not Every Day is a Good Day. Show Up Anyway. 

Are you struggling to thrive after divorce?

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