I’m Not Going to Change Your Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So often we approach a conversation with the intention of trying to change somebody’s mind. We prepare to argue, to fight. To prove that we are right and, by extension, they are wrong.

What if instead, we approached with the intention of opening somebody’s mind? Of offering a different perspective. Adding to the dialog instead of trying to dominate the conversation.

And what if we had that same intention for ourselves? A shift from defending our views to expanding our minds. When listening becomes an act of curious investigation instead of gathering of evidence.

I don’t want to change your mind. I want to open it. And I want you to open mine in turn.

Why the First Reaction Is Often Not The Real Reaction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“What am I going to tell my mom?” were the first, shameful words out of my mouth when I learned my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was pregnant.

I was 14. He was 16. We had only been dating a few weeks. I was still years away from being ready to be sexually active. He welcomed that because he had felt pressured to have sex in his previous relationship.

There was no infidelity involved; the conception had occurred towards the end of their relationship and before ours began.

So really, the news had nothing to do with me.

But that wasn’t my initial reaction.

I had been put on birth control pills a few months prior to manage painful cycles and I was afraid that doctors (and others) would assume that they were also (or even only) desired in an attempt to prevent pregnancy.

And in that moment, my reactive brain thought that this evidence that my boyfriend had been sexually active before me would lead people to assume that he had been sexually with me.

And in that moment, I said something I shouldn’t.

My boyfriend looked shocked. Hurt.

And rightfully so.

It took some time, for him to recover from my misstep and for me to process the news, but eventually I responded with the compassion that I really felt and he realized that my first reaction wasn’t my real reaction.

The first reaction upon hearing big news is impulsive, bypassing any usual filters and mental processing. The initial response is most likely selfish because that is where our thoughts go when controlled by our more primal and reptilian brain. Those opening words are spoken by fear, untamed by rational thought and often amplified by shock.

And those words are frequently a blow to the person who spent time and energy gearing up for this conversation. They may have spent countless hours dissecting their message and carefully selecting the right words with which to deliver it.

Only to be struck with the hammer of the first reaction.

But the first reaction is rarely the real reaction.

If you’re preparing to deliver big news,

  • Remind yourself before the conversation that you’ve had hours/days/years to process this information and that it is brand new (and perhaps a huge surprise) to the person you’re telling.
  • Try to find a way to phrase things so that the information is more of a ramp and less being slammed into a brick wall. This may take more than one conversation.
  • Prepare yourself ahead of time that the recipient of the news may respond poorly. Inappropriately. Even painfully. A little reminder ahead of time can help you not take it personally in the moment.
  • Be patient. Don’t make any major decisions based upon the person’s initial reaction. Give them some time and some space to deal with this on their own before they’re ready to deal with it with you.
  • Gather your support ahead of time, whether this is a person who already knows and has processed the information or simply a favorite walking path. The person just hearing the news won’t be able to be your support person immediately. Don’t expect that of them.

If you’re reciving big news,

  • Breathe. Be aware of your physical responses and work to regulate them. Your fight or flight response has probably been triggered. But you don’t need to do either just yet.
  • Realize that when information is new and unexpected, it is not understood and our brains often catastrophize it just in case. The way you feel about it right now is not the way you will feel about it tomorrow.
  • If you say something you don’t mean, apologize. Sincerly. And then stop talking. The other person has a built-up need to talk right now and your job is to listen and work towards trying to understand what you’re hearing.
  • Understand that a lack of a response in that moment is not an expression of acceptance or approval of the information. Communicate that you need more time to think about this. And then follow up.
  • Remember that no matter how hard this news is to hear, it’s better to have it on the table than covered and rotting beneath the floor. Now you know and now you can process your real reaction.

 

How to Supercharge Your “I” Statements

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As the child of a marriage and family therapist, I think my first complete sentences came in the form of “I” statements, a conversation tactic often recommended by counselors to express your needs without attacking or blaming the other person. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave your socks on the floor. I would feel calmer if you could place your socks in the hamper.”

“I” statements are certainly useful in situations from the bedroom to the boardroom (and I often use it in the classroom). They are infinitely better than the “You never…” and “You always…” which usually prompts the recipient to either arm him or herself or attempt to shield from the verbal barrage. They require that you first analyze the cause (action/behavior) and effect (your emotional response) before engaging someone in conversation. And they hint at the assertion that both people can work together to find a solution.

Yet even though “I” statements are useful, they have their limitations. They often require some interesting verbal gymnastics to form, they can act as a mere cover for blame and attack and, as I often witness, they can simply turn into an ineffectual argument frequently peppered with the word “I.”

“I” statements are good. And you can make them better. Here’s you to supercharge your “I” statements in three easy steps:

1) Express Your Gratitude: This needs to be sincere appreciation (as BS is worse than silence) and must relate to the situation at hand. On your side, this helps to calm the flames of aggravation and helps remind you of the bigger picture or underlying motivation behind the offensive behavior. For the other person, this will help him or her feel seen and appreciated, which goes a long way to lowering defensiveness and encouraging a willingness to change.

2) Express Your “I” Statement: Keep it simple: “I feel…when…” Clarify if needed. Stay calm; if you escalate your emotions, the other person’s will ramp up as well, lowering the chances of a successful conversation. Be careful not to start with a “But,” as it negates your gratitude statement.

3) Present a Challenge for the Team: Phrase this as a challenge that can be problem-solved together. It’s not one against one, it’s two against the problem at hand. Acknowledge any side issues or limitations that you are aware of, as this lets your partner know you are listening and invested in the process. Don’t go in with a “solution” that you try to sell; this is a problem to be solved together with input from both people. This also helps to limit defensiveness because it is not about what someone is doing wrong, it’s about finding a resolution together.

 

Here’s what this might look like in action:

1) “I really appreciate how hard you work for the family and the security it provides us.”

2) “I miss you when you’re not here; I really enjoy our time together as a family.”

3) “Do you think we could work together to figure out a way that we could have more family time that wouldn’t impact your work or need for time alone?”

 

As with any change, it will feel awkward and formulaic at first. But with practice, it becomes easier and more natural. If you need more ideas about how to approach difficult conversations, this post has several ideas for you.

Use Your Words

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I like to read advice columns and forums where people seek guidance and direction. It’s interesting to find where people struggle and comforting to find the universal life themes interwoven in many of the dilemmas.

But there is one common theme I don’t quite understand – asking a stranger a question that you really need to ask your partner.

 

“Would my partner be okay with…”

“Would my partner be upset if I…”

“How will my partner react if…”

“How will my partner feel…”

 

Now, I get it. Some conversations are difficult to have. It is scary to ask your partner an emotionally-charged question when you may not like the answer. It’s a leap of faith that your bond is greater than your bombshell. It’s trust that you can survive opening your mouth and exposing your heart. It’s courage to say what needs to be said even if the fallout causes pain.

For some people, initiating a conversation, even a difficult one, is no big deal.

I’m not one of those people.

I don’t like conflict.

I don’t like to disappoint.

And I don’t like to stir the pot.

But sometimes, that pot needs to be stirred.

Even overturned.

Here are some of the strategies I have developed over the years to make those difficult conversations just a little bit easier:

Test the Waters

It’s okay to put a toe in first. There’s no rule that says a conversation has to entered with a full-on cannonball. Rather than laying out the whole ordeal, reveal just a snippet. Or express the scenario as happening to someone else. Gauge the reaction. Gather data. Back up and try again. Plan your approach better this time. You can initiate the conversation in drops rather than a deluge.

Write it Out

If you are fearful of your partner’s reaction (or your response to your partner’s reaction) or if you are concerned that you may not choose the right words in the moment, write your side of the conversation to your partner. Not a text. Or a Facebook message. But a letter. Or email. Be thoughtful in your word choice and in your timing. Your intent is to start a dialog, not a war.

Move Forward

There’s something about forward progress and lack of eye contact that makes discussion easier and less threatening. Plan your talk for a drive. Or a walk. Or a hike. Probably not a run though, unless you want to pass out from lack of oxygen.

Talk to Yourself

Have the conversation with yourself first. Practice. Refine your goal and your approach. Set a time limit for your rehearsal; if you take too long to contemplate before you speak, you’ll soon fall into rumination and only intensify your fear.

Table it For Now

It’s okay to start the conversation and then leave it for a while. Much like baking bread, sometimes a topic needs to rest to help it fully rise. Don’t let this be an excuse to ignore the difficult topic; make a commitment to revisit it in a day. A week. Or a month.

Bring Your E.Q.

That’s emotional intelligence for those of you that didn’t grow up surrounded by self-help books🙂 Bring an awareness of yourself and leave your defensiveness behind. Understand your triggers and be receptive to the idea that you may be reacting (or overreacting) to the past rather than the present.  Be mindful of your partner’s past and triggers and their impact on the now. Consider the possessing speed that both you and your partner have; it may take some time for the real responses to emerge.

Use a Candle

No, really.

Be Ready to Listen

It’s easy to get so caught up in thinking through what you want to say (especially if you’re nervous or emotional), that you forget to listen. It’s not all about you; be attentive to your partner’s responses.

 

Sometimes there’s a feeling that if we keep it inside, we keep it safe. But holding on to something you need you say only feeds it with your own fears and distress. And allows it to grow.

“We need to talk” isn’t an invitation to a torture chamber.

It’s part of a healthy, growing and evolving relationship.

Dear Abby may give good advice.

But she can’t have the conversation for you.

Use your words.

 

 

 

 

Three Way Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you remember three way calling? Where you pushed a button after connecting with one person to allow you to dial out to a third?

Three way calling dominated my middle school years. I spent countless hours curled in the corner of my waterbed atop my zebra-striped comforter (hey now, it was the early 90s!) with my ear pressed to my corded phone (I didn’t have a cordless model for a few more years). Much of time, one of two of my two closest friends were on the other line. We could spend hours talking about everything and nothing. But mostly, the talk centered around boys. Hmmm…would they be classified as everything or nothing?

The legendary zebra bed and my infamous chubby cheeks of childhood:)
The legendary zebra bed and my infamous chubby cheeks of childhood:)

And then the topic of a three way call would come up. Who should we call? Is there anything we need to discuss before they are on the phone? Any bit on intel to which they are not privy? It was so deliberate, that addition of a third to the conversation. The new voice could entirely change the tone or course of an exchange. New topics may be broached or old ones discarded due to their proclivities and knowledge.

It was always a balancing act, those three way conversations. Especially with middle school girls involved. We usually had alliances; the affections were not spread equally between the three. It was always a dance between inclusion and exclusion, always wondering your place in the mix.

Three way conversations have again appeared in my life. Not via phone (do iPhones even have that capability or has it gone the way of the floppy disk?) but in my relationship.

I am acutely aware that every conversation between Brock and I also includes our pasts, the ghosts from before dialing in to voice their feelings and opinions.

Now obviously every conversation between two people pulls from their respective pasts. It’s impossible for two adults of any age to speak without their pasts whispering their ears. Our experiences shape or beliefs and our perceptions. We filter the world through this netting woven from days gone by.

With my ex, I was not as aware of the past. We were together from such a young age, perhaps I assumed my past was his past.

But that’s not accurate. Even though we lived parallel lives for many years, we had different perspectives born from our childhoods. I neglected to listen to the specters whispering of the trauma caused by his alcoholic family and I didn’t pay attention to my fear of abandonment on the other line. I acted as though we were in on a private conversation when, in reality, it was a three way conversation with our pasts.

I’ve returned to the state of my youth. I am more deliberate about those three way conversations. I listen to the voice that is speaking – past or present – and try to respond appropriately. It’s easier now to tease out the utterances of former lives, as we each bring years of unshared experiences to the table. I am more aware of their effect on our views and responses, the latter of which are often anchored more in yesterday than today. We cannot hang up on our pasts; we must learn how to engage them in the conversation.

The zebra-topped water bed has long since been retired and I no longer have a corded phone. However, the three way conversations continue. Only now we don’t spend hours giggling about boys.

To those impacted by Boston: Marathoners train to endure pain. But there is no training that can prepare you for this kind of torment. My heart goes out to the runners, their supporters and the thousands of people who are taking care of the affected.