Lessons From an Adult Child of Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I love serendipity. And, at least today, it must love me back. Just as I was feeling completely overwhelmed with updating the blog, I received an email from Liz with a request to send a guest post. Once she told me the topic, I was sold.

There is no shortage of information and discussion about the effect of divorce on children. But adult children? Not so much. It’s as though we think they are grown and launched and the split does not (or should not) impact them (Just think of how many couples wait to divorce until the children are gone).

But it does.

Liz shares her experience with us to help provide understanding of what it is like when your parents divorce once you are grown.

Lessons From an Adult Child of Divorce

It was the summer of 2013, I was 28 years old and just starting a new career in marketing – and my parents were in the midst of a divorce. Their marriage of thirty years had been slowly dissolving before my eyes for quite some time, but I still couldn’t believe it was actually happening.

Growing up, I had considered myself lucky to live in a two parent home while watching as my friends’ single mothers struggled to balance work, home, and the rigors of parenting. Now I was just another child of divorce – even though I was no longer an actual child.

To make matters even more difficult, I – like many Millennials – was living at home as I couldn’t afford to make ends meet on my own. Helping my mother move out of her home of 20 years and into a small apartment was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. However, it was nothing compared to watching her fall prey to crippling grief.

I Don’t Know How to Feel

It’s hard to truly explain what it feels like to be caught between two parents on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. Dad had been bottling his negative emotions for years, and the divorce had in essence freed him to pursue happiness. Mom had been blind-sided, thinking that they were just experiencing a rough patch. She still loved my father as much as she ever had and the divorce sent her spiraling into depression.

On one hand, I was happy to see my dad smiling again. He was cheerful and full of life – something that had been missing for so long that I had almost forgotten what it looked like. On the other hand, I was trying to keep my mom from losing herself to hopelessness and sorrow.

The swinging emotions were taking their toll on me – and so were the conversations both parents insisted on dragging me into.

Part of You, Part of Me

Dad told me how he’d grown unhappy ten years into their marriage and had essentially been a prisoner to his sense of honor. He refused to abandon his children and my mother – even if her wild emotions and poor decision making made him crazy.

Mom sobbed on my shoulder, bemoaning the fact that my father had never expressed his feelings and had refused to seek marriage counseling on numerous occasions. In her eyes, he was an emotional tight ass and the whole thing was his fault.

There’s a multitude of resources for parents of small children going through a divorce. I’ve read many of them, and the parallels between the feelings of both young and adult children before, during, and after a divorce are numerous.

Attorney Cheri Hobbs reminds parents, “remember that a child is half of each of you and therefore when you disparage the other parent the child then believes that one-half of them is bad or wrong or negative.”

Listening to my parents complain about each other was like being stuck with a hot poker repeatedly. Much like my mom, I can be overbearing and spend money unwisely. Do my friends feel the same way about me that my father feels about my mother? Do they just not say anything?

I’m a lot like my father in many ways – both good and bad – but I definitely bottle my emotions. Does my mother hate me for this?

To hear them tear each other down was to hear them tear parts of me down. And the worst part of it was that I didn’t do anything to stop it from happening.

Stuck in the Middle

I remember taking a stand pretty early, telling both of them to discuss what business they had with each other and leave me out of it. They agreed, but I don’t think it lasted for more than a couple of weeks. They needed me, and I reneged on my own ultimatum.

“There are few needs more compelling than those of our parents. And parents going through divorce are just like other people going through divorce: they are a bundle of need with little or no regard for boundaries or decorum,” says Lee Borden of DivorceInfo.com.

My father is pretty good at not dragging me into the middle of it, but my mother uses me as a go between, even going so far as to CC me in all emails to my dad. It’s absolutely maddening – like being slapped in the face every time I open my inbox.

The Lessons I’ve Learned

There are lessons to be learned here – on both sides – but as I’ve only experienced divorce from this side of the aisle, I’ll advise those who are like me:

  • If you have siblings, lean on them. I didn’t speak to my older brother much during the divorce process. I felt like he was so far away from the situation that he wouldn’t be much comfort. I regret that now. He was hurting just as much as I was.
  • Tell your parents to leave you out of the fight and stick to it! It will be hard, I know, but your emotional well-being depends on it.
  • Encourage your parents to seek counseling. My mother still has a tough time with the end of her marriage, but speaking to a psychiatrist has helped her immensely.
  • Get support! Talk to your friends, your siblings, your significant other, a psychiatrist, or others in the same situation you are.

It’s been two years since my parents divorced and a lot of things have changed. It’s the summer of 2015, I’m 30 years old, and I’ve settled into my career in marketing. My dad still lives in my childhood home and is working on renovating it with his girlfriend. My mom has a nice little condo, two dogs, and an active social life. Things aren’t perfect – there are still hiccups, grumbling, and tears from all parties, but it is getting better. Slowly, but surely, things are getting better.

Liz Greene hails from the beautiful city of trees, Boise, Idaho. She’s a lover of all things geek and is happiest when cuddling with her dogs and catching up on the latest Marvel movies. You can follow her on Twitter @LizVGreene.

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This has been quite a couple weeks for reuniting with old friends. Facebook may drive me crazy sometimes (like yesterday, when it suggested I “like” a mommy makeover page. Umm…What makes you think I’m a mommy and why do you think I need a makeover?) but it cannot be beat for locating (or being located, in this case!) old friends. Three old friends, from three different times in my life, all found me within the past week.

These connections are extremely special to me, as I am not in contact with many people from my childhood. After I had 13 friends die throughout high school, I pulled back from the rest of friends after graduation. I simply couldn’t handle losing anyone else. The move across the country when I was 21 only cemented that distance. As a result, the only people in my life are either family or those I met after high school.

Until last week.

One lived just down the street from me and we became friends when I was barely out of diapers. I have great memories of us being artsy and craftsy. We shared an obsession with Annie (I seem to recall arguing over who got to wear the red, curly wig). She moved right about when I started Kindergarten, so we never attended the same schools. Even then, we remained friends throughout childhood. It turns out that she also became a teacher, has a passion for travel and has also ended up divorced. She is also the only one of the three who is also childless. Since she is currently out of the country, we have been catching up via our respective blogs.

The next to find me was the ex boyfriend I mentioned in Serendipity.  Where the first friend represents my early childhood for me, this one symbolizes that oh-so interesting period in adolescence when you start to find independence and develop yourself as an individual. Reconnecting with him has brought to surface those memories of myself as a young and unsure adult. It’s pretty funny to look back at myself then… Interestingly, he is the only one of the three that has remained married.

The most recent just found me yesterday. We met in elementary school and remained friends until I moved, but we were at our closest in middle school. This is the friend who knew me through that awkwardness of 7th grade and the panic-inducing first kisses. We spent countless nights at each other’s homes, listening to Motley Crue and analyzing the boys at school. In a small world coincidence, she now lives with her family in the same neighborhood as my mom (I wish I had known this when I visited last month!!). She is divorced and remarried with a young (and adorable) son. Of the three, she was the only one who knew my ex. After she learned the story from the blog, she now wants to join the line of those who want to kill him. She is one of the very few people who knew me before him, during that relationship and now I get to know her again after. That’s pretty special.

In my post on the types of friends you need during divorce, I mentioned the importance of the ones who knew you before.  I may not be in the middle of divorce anymore, but I still appreciate those who knew me before.

I am so grateful to have these three friends back in my life. I am thrilled that the wall between my childhood and adulthood has been breached. All three were all special to me and I have thought of each of them often. It’s interesting to discover the similarities in our stories and the paths that we have all chosen. I am so excited to get to know them now as adults. I think I’ll pass on the red Annie wig, though:)

And tomorrow is a reuniting of a different sort as I begin the new school year. Looking forward to seeing all my lovely coworkers but I am going to miss these leisurely lunches with no kids!

Happy summer ya’ll (what can I say, I’ve gotten back in touch with my Texas roots) and good luck for those of you also beginning the new school year:)

 

For All You Parents…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I wrote this piece about how to help your child in math for Yahoo. This is the same advice I give the parents of my 8th graders during open house every year. I find the parents are often more fearful of algebra than the students:)

I thought I’d share it here as well, since I know many of you are parents of school age children. I hope this can help lower the stress level in your home this fall!

How to Help Your Child In Math (When You Don’t Know It Yourself)

Through a Child’s Eyes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

English: Child (close-up).

 

Through a child’s eyes.

 

What do we mean when we use this phrase? These words that try to capture the wonderment and excitement in the youth as they experience something new? What is it that makes it childlike and how can we capture that feeling even when our eyes are framed in crow’s feet?

 

Children have limited experience. They rarely encounter something expecting to have seen it before. They are less apt to compare the present to some remembered past because their mental files are sparse and not yet well organized.

 

They take each day as an adventure with limitless possibilities. They refused to be restrained by such concepts as impossibilities, rather they remain open to any outcome, no matter how implausible.

 

They are less apt to judge, to censor an occurrence with thoughts of “should” or “must.” They accept the present at face value.

 

Children are notoriously bad at planning. When they are engaged in an activity, they tend to be focused on that moment alone, even if only for the briefest of times. They are not doing one thing while mentally rehearsing for the next.

Just because our childhoods are behind us does mean we cannot still see with childlike eyes. Approach with an open mind, be open to the possibilities, avoid judgement and be in the moment.

And, please, for the sake of all of us, leave the temper tantrums and terrible twos in the past:)

 

 

 

 

 

The Secret Keepers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

secrets

My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. And if there is one thing alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets.

My ex learned his role from a young age. He didn’t discuss his parents with others. He didn’t invite his friends over to his house. He learned how to keep a low profile and stay out of the line of fire. He learned not to have expectations of his parents and how to survive on his own. He learned to shut his door and shut his mouth.

I thought he could overcome his family.

I was brought into the inner folds of the family within a few short months of dating. He told me the stories of his dad passed out on the couch or drunk at his birthday party. I received a call when his dad was taken by ambulance to the emergency room due to excessive alcohol consumption. He relayed the tales of his mom, weeping and emotional, turning to her son for support in the middle of the night. I saw the endless rum and cokes. I witnessed the change in his parents as they drank to hide their pain. I perceived the unsaid behind the silences.

I still thought he could overcome his family.

When I helped his mom rearrange the living room, she showed me his baby pictures which we had unearthed. I learned some of the family secrets. I discovered that his father had been married before and had technically committed bigamy, since the divorce from wife number one was not yet final. I learned of his father’s disgraceful exit from the military and equally disgraceful exit from what was a very prestigious career. I heard about the mismanagement of money and how they went from earning six figures to living in a crumbling house in a undesirable area.

I still thought he could overcome his family.

My ex husband strove to separate himself from his parents. He was determined not to make their mistakes. He looked to the Boy Scouts to be his surrogate parents. He made friends and joined their families. He was driven to succeed and to escape his lineage. He lived in fear of turning into his father.

I still thought he could overcome his family.

He may not have kept the family secrets from me, but he still applied those lessons to other areas. There was an incident at scout camp shortly before we started dating. An incident that left several long ropey parallel scars across his lower back. He never did reveal what happened. I actually looked for familiar names and locations on the recently released list of scout leaders that had been convicted of sexual crimes. Nothing stood out. But I wonder…

I still thought he could overcome his family.

But apparently those lessons of silence and secrets were too embedded. The skill set just waiting in the wings until the right moment came along. When he began to struggle during our marriage (with money, alcohol, depression, employment…who knows?), his reflexes kicked in and he covered it up. He kept silent and he kept secrets. And through those secrets, he turned his biggest fear into reality. He became his father.

I wish that he had been able to overcome his family. And I hope that it is not too late for him. I hope that he is able to see the truth and no longer be compelled to keep it a secret.