After Being Cheated On: When We’re Told to “Get Over It”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why “Get Over It” is Misdirected

We Wish We Could

When we’ve been betrayed, we want nothing more than for the pain to go away. We try to bargain with it, under the desperate illusion that if we can just unlock the secret code, everything will go back to the way it was. Often, we try to escape from it, looking for those brief moments of respite provided through distractions. We plead with others and ourselves to please just make the pain stop.

We see ourselves, both manic and depressed, driven half-mad with the heart-stopping realization that we’ve been trapped in an illusion, and we hate what we see. We don’t want to be that person, and yet we don’t know how to escape the pain that binds us. And so “get over it” feels like being told to simply walk away and yet we have no legs.

 

It Often Assumes One Bad Moment is Reflective of Every Moment

Triggers – and overreactions – are a part of healing. And by their very nature, they tend to be visible to others and attract attention. It may be that this sort of reaction is rare, yet for the person on the outside telling you that it’s time to “get over it,” they may perceive this as being your normal, everyday state.

 

It is Dismissive of the Magnitude of the Pain

From an outsider’s perspective, it can be easy to underestimate the impact of betrayal. They may see it as being only about the sexual relationship or think that you are better off without the cheater and that can dump them and move on as easily as you discard your trash after a picnic lunch.

Yet the reality is different. No aspect of your life has escaped unscathed. You now question everything and trust nothing. You grieve the life you thought you had and the future you imagined. You feel like you were not enough while you face the fear of being alone forever.

 

Healing Does Not Speak Calendar

Many times, “get over it” comes after a certain amount of time as passed, as though the calendar holds some magical healing powers. And while time does help to soften the memories and provide opportunities for healing, it is no panacea.

From Does Time Heal All Wounds:

Time Doesn’t Mean You Forget You will never forget. Time does not erase all memories, delete all pain. It’s still there, but there is also space for you to live alongside of it.

Provide Automatic Processing Time doesn’t do the healing. You do. If all you do is wait, you’ll feel much the same, only with more wrinkles. Time simply gives you the space and opportunity to work through it.

Time Doesn’t Provide Understanding Time won’t answer the “why” question for you. It won’t reveal why life is harder for some of us than others and why bad things can happen to good people. What time does give you is some perspective that suggests that maybe understanding why isn’t really that important.

 

This Trauma May Bring Up Past Traumas

Perhaps this betrayal has brought up childhood wounds where you felt abandoned by a parent. Or maybe this has reminded you of other situations in your past where you received the message that you were unlovable and not enough. Perhaps grieving thus loss has reignited the pain of other losses from your pass.

Regardless of the specifics, this trauma does not exist in isolation. Much like an iceberg with most of its mass below the surface, it may appear to others that you’re reacting only to the most visible injury, meanwhile you’re wrestling with everything that’s been buried for years.

 

 

Why People Tell Us to “Get Over It”

They Have Something to Gain From Our Silence

Sadly, the one who betrayed us is often the same one telling us to drop it already, as though they can reveal this bombshell and then escape unscathed. Sometimes they’re clueless, so absorbed in their own life than they neglect to consider how their actions have impacted you. Other times, they see our pain as weakness and our cries trigger them to be cruel. Consider the motivation behind the words. Does your silence somehow benefit them?

 

Discomfort With Our Emotions

This can happen either with the person that betrayed us or with others in our life. The emotions that follow betrayal are often strong and ugly, and people may be uncomfortable bearing witness to those feelings. They tell us to move on because they want us to be back to normal for their sake.

 

They Care and Want Us to Feel Better

Not everyone who tells us to ‘get over it” has bad intentions. Sometimes, those words, although hurtful, are coming from those who see us hurting and want us to feel better. They see that we’re holding on, turning the past over and over again in our minds as though looking for the secret that will unlock peace. They see us “pain-shopping,” scrolling social media to see images of the affair partner and they hear our fixation on what has happened. They know that we would feel better if we let go, but they don’t always understand why we’re not ready to.

 

Because They Haven’t Lived it, They Don’t Understand

From an outsider’s perspective, it seems so simple – dump the jerk and walk away with your head held high like some character bouncing off rock bottom in a romantic comedy. Their words aren’t malicious, they’re just clueless.

 

When We Need to Pay Attention to “Get Over It”

If It Pisses You Off, There May be Some Truth to It

Pay attention to your reaction to those words. If you find yourself particularly enraged or defensive, it may be because they are dangerously close to some truth that you’ve been trying to avoid seeing.  Often, we do hold on too long and sometimes those in our lives our trying to help us see the ways that we’re betraying ourselves.

 

We Hold Onto Pain Because It is All We Have Left

The innocence is gone. The trust is gone. The marriage may be gone. But we still have the pain. It is a sign that we have been wounded that can become a strange badge of honor that we wear to honor the magnitude of what was lost. We fear letting go of the pain, because we no longer know who we are without it.

 

Sometimes We Neglect to Live While We’re Healing

It’s so easy to tell ourselves that once we are healed, then we will fully engage with life again. Yet life happens alongside healing, two intertwining and continuous paths. Perhaps the one telling you to “get over it” is really telling you to get out of the waiting room and start living even while you’re still healing.

 

If You’re Wanting to Heal the Relationship, You Have to Let Go

From After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?:

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

Ultimately, what it comes down to is this…

You are never going to “get over it,” as though it was a minor slight that stung for a moment. This has had a profound impact on your life, leaving behind permanent marks and forever altering how you view the world.

Yet even though you are not going to get over it,

You ARE going to figure out how to live with it. You will each a point when it is no longer the first thing you think of when you awake and you no longer cry yourself to sleep. It will become part of your story rather than your entire identity.

You ARE going to heal, the incredible rawness of the aching void replaced with an echo of the pain. You will allow yourself to trust again, to love again, beginning with yourself.

You ARE going to learn from it. What has happened has opened your eyes, brought you gratitude for what you do have and showed you just how strong you are.

 

 

6 Reasons People Lie in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People lie in relationships for myriad reasons, some of which are more egregious than others. By understanding the motivation behind their mistruths, you have some insight into their thought process and a sense of the likelihood that they will continue their deceptions.

6 Reasons People Lie in Relationships:

 

1 – They Are Ashamed of the Truth

I find this motivation to lie quite sad. As a former teacher, this is one of the more common types of lies I saw in my classroom. Kids lied because they were ashamed of their financial situations, their home lives or their performance on an assignment. The lie was an act of self-preservation, projecting the person they wanted to be.

This is the type of lie that I believe got my ex in trouble. As his professional life began to fall apart and he began to struggle with addiction, instead of being vulnerable and admitting to his internal battles, he instead pretended to be ever more successful. And the problem with these type of lies is that the more they are told, the more the person moves away from themselves and sometimes they are lost forever.

With this type of fiction, if it is caught early, more is to be gained from a gentle approach rather than a punitive one. They need to feel safe before the fallout from the lie can be addressed. Shame can wreak havoc on relationships; it’s important not to ignore its impact.

 

2 – In Misguided Attempt to Protect Others

It’s such an unexpected response when you discover that you’ve been lied to –  “I just wanted to protect you.” The impulse is good, but the horrible execution has had the opposite effect, hurting you instead of protecting you. This type of lie has two layers to work through – first, the realization that they have not been honest with you and second, the sense that they do not trust that you can handle the truth.

There’s a lack of respect inherent in this kind of lie as they believe that they know what is best for you. In fact, you may realize that this power dynamic is even more concerning than the lie itself. In order for a relationship to function as a team, BOTH partners need to have access to the same information. If one is acting as gatekeeper, the other is inevitably a prisoner.

If you find yourself in this type of dynamic, it’s important for you to examine your own responses. Maybe you have a tendency to overreact to difficult information (raising my hand here), you are inadvertently telling your partner that you can’t handle the truth. Work to manage your own emotions and responses so that they feel comfortable having those hard conversations.

 

3 – So That They Can Continue Their Behavior

This is the classic selfish lie – they want to continue doing whatever it is they’re doing and they know that telling you the truth would prevent them from being able to do it. They are not directly trying to hurt you, but the impact on you is less important to them than their own happiness in the moment. As long as the lies benefit them, they are unlikely to change their ways.

One of the ways to identify this sort of dishonesty is by their reaction when they are caught. The selfish liar will be angry rather than contrite, painting all of this as your fault. After all, before the fabrication was revealed, everything was perfectly fine in their world.

 

4 – They Enjoy the Thrill of Getting Away With It

These are the scary ones, the people that lie because they enjoy manipulating and controlling others. They have no consideration for the impact of their deceptions. In fact, they may enjoy looking back at the destruction left in their wake.

You will often first see this when your partner pulls a fast one on someone else and can’t help but share their “victory” with you. I remember my ex delighting that he convinced some guy running a survey at the mall that he had diabetes and therefore couldn’t participate in the study. The interaction was minor and of no consequence, but I should have paid more attention to his reaction at his lie being believed. If they will lie to others, it’s only a matter of time until they lie to you. Furthermore, these lies will continue to escalate, as a bigger and bigger “hit” is required in order to get a rush.

 

5 – They Believe Their Own B.S.

If someone lies often enough, they begin to confuse their fabrications with the truth. It’s a snowball effect, as one lie begets many more downstream. At some point, the lies and the half-truths become so entangled with reality that it becomes impossible to sort them out again. As a result, these lies are not only told externally, but also believed.

What is so wild about these types of people is that on some level, they are aware that they are lying. Yet they have spent so much time living in the fiction section, they no longer know how to navigate reality.

 

6 – Their Lives Are Compartmentalized

This is another situation where they may truly believe that they are not lying. They convince themselves that one aspect of their life has no consequence whatsoever in other areas. A classic example of this type of liar is the person who only cheats when they are traveling for business. It doesn’t happen at home, so they believe that it has no impact at home.

Confronting this type of liar can be crazy-making, as they will seem legitimately confused about why you are so upset. Asking them to understand requires for them to confront their own cognitive dissonance head on, which is unlikely to happen.

The 5 Types of Apologies Cheaters Use

Posted on by stilllearning2b

They’re been caught cheating. Or, they decided to come clean about the affair. Some of the first words out of their mouth are,

“I’m sorry.“

You want desperately to believe those words, to believe that they feel true remorse for the pain they have caused you. Yet, past event shave also proven to you that they will lie.

As you suspect, there may be more to their apology than meets the eye.

Here are five types of apologies that cheaters may use:

 

1 – I’m sorry that I got caught.

They are not sorry they did it, they are simply sorry that they have been found out. Often this sort of apology presents with irritation and comes off as insincere. Instead of making changes to end the affair and reinvest in the marriage, they instead double down on their efforts to hide their indiscretions. They may blame you for snooping, their friends for being busybodies or the affair partner for not being careful.

 

2 – I’m saying sorry to try to smooth things over.

Nobody likes others to be upset with them or disappointed in them. This is even true for cheaters. So they apologize, not because they are truly sorry, but because they don’t like having this discord at home. They hope that they can placate with their verbal amends so that you will no longer respond with anger, rejection or sadness towards them. Pay attention to what surrounds the apology. Are they using gifts or physical touch in an attempt to calm or distract you? Also, a sign of this sort of apology is that it is only expressed when your emotions are running high.

 

3 – I’m sorry that you’re upset.

This one has some empathy to it. They see that you’re in pain and they don’t like to see you hurting. The problem here is that there is a disconnect between their actions and your feelings and they are failing to take responsibility for their part in causing you pain. This sort of apology usually presents with other selfish patterns of behavior. Even though they don’t like to see you hurt or inconvenienced, their own desires always take precedence.

 

4 – I’m saying sorry in an ongoing attempt to manipulate the situation.

When this type of apology is used, it comes with the expectation of a particular outcome. They are saying they are sorry with the caveat that you are no longer allowed to bring up their transgressions or that you will not threaten to leave. Look out for guilt trips and gaslighting as they try to turn this around to be about you.

 

5 – I am truly sorry for what I have done.

When people are truly sorry, their language will reflect that. Instead of speaking in third person or generalizations (“When the affair happened”), they use “I” statements to demonstrate ownership (“When I crossed the line into an affair”). They take responsibility for their actions and refrain from blaming you, the affair partner, or outside factors, even while accepting that other variables may have had an influence on their decisions. Another sign of a genuine apology is that they are taking the initiative and not expecting you to help them regulate their own emotional responses.

True remorse is expressed with no strings attached. They say it and then give you the space to do with it what you choose.

Finally, an authentic apology always comes with changed behavior. Because without that, it is simply another empty promise.

And if you didn’t get an apology, this post is for you.

Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.

 

 

After Being Cheated On: Distinguishing Between Fears and Warnings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I never want to go through that again,”

I think we all say after being cheated on once we’re through the initial whitewater of the discovery that bashes us upon the rocks. We examine our memories for the missed clues about the affair and we scan the horizon carefully, looking for signs of another impending discovery. 

In some ways, we’re more equipped to spot the signs of trouble. After all, we’ve been down that road before. Yet in other ways, we’re handicapped by our experiences because our heightened fears can have a tendency to see trouble where it doesn’t exist.

It’s a scary place to be after being cheated on, where you’re wondering if it’s happening again while at the same time you’re doubting your own judgment. 

The following can help you determine if what you’re seeing is a genuine warning or if your fear of being cheated on is whispering falsehoods into your ears:

 

1 – Get Out of Fight or Flight

It is impossible to distinguish between a legitimate threat and a harmless – yet painful – echo from the past when you’re emotionally elevated.

Take a step back. 

When you’re in this state, your brain interprets everything as a threat. Before you can determine if the danger is real or imagined, you have to first calm and connect your body and your mind. Go for a walk. Engage in your favorite hobby or activity. Get some sleep. 

If it is still bothering you when your body is no longer in fight or flight, it is something that needs to be addressed.

 

2 – Be Mindful of Your Energy

After being cheated on, we often go to one extreme or the other, where we either obsessively look for evidence that it is happening again or we bury our heads in the sand, afraid of what we might see if we look too carefully. 

Both approaches can be deceptive as they either minimize or amplify the information that you have. 

Ideally, you want to be between those two states, where your eyes are open yet you’re not peering into every crevice looking for the monster that you imagine is there. 

 

3 – Avoid Listening to Too Many Voices

One of the more painful realizations I had after discovering my ex-husband’s betrayal was that I had allowed myself to trust him more than I trusted myself. (Hello, gaslighting). And one of the best silver linings of being cheated on was learning to trust my own voice again. 

It’s natural to want to reach out to others to either validate or explain away your suspicions. But too many voices can muddle what is already unclear. Remember that they are hearing this through your filter and then adding on their own motivations of not wanting to see you hurt. 

Sometimes the best thing to do is allow our own voice the time and space to speak and to listen without passing judgment. 

 

4 – Weigh Both Your Intuition and the Evidence

When properly tuned, our guts are quite an impressive lie-detecting instrument. Yet being cheated on often has them out of tune, playing discordant notes regardless of the stimulus. 

On the other hand, waiting until the evidence piles up and crushes you isn’t ideal either. 

Listen to your gut, but don’t believe everything it has to say. Consider both your intuition and the facts. When they’re in alignment, it’s time to listen.

 

5 – Choose Your Approach Carefully

If all of the above indicate that it’s time to have a conversation, be mindful of your approach. If the evidence is subtle, state what you’re feeling and seeing without immediately becoming accusatory. 

Opening with the assumption of cheating will only prompt a defensive posture that will try to protect at all costs. If you’re looking for truth, you have to give it space to come out. 

 

When the wounds from being cheated on are still fresh, you’re naturally guarded and distinguishing between fears and warnings is quite challenging. With time and practice, you’ll become better at discerning the difference and your trust in your own perceptions will grow.