What “Gone Girl” Can Teach Us About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Spoiler alert: It is impossible to discuss the book Gone Girl without revealing some of the plot. It is an enjoyable read and one that is best if you enter with an unsullied mind. Please read the book before you read my post. Thanks!

Our first glimpse into Nick and Amy’s marriage is that of an outside observer. Marriages are never what they seem to the external world. The gentle man at work may be the enforcer at home. The confident woman strutting through the mall may be insecure behind closed doors. The couple that doesn’t touch much at the movies may spent hours intertwined once they return home. Nick and Amy wanted to project the image of a healthy marriage. A lie that slipped in through the cracks of the closed doors of their relationship.

Amy entered into the marriage as a character. She cast herself in the role of the “cool girl,” losing herself before the vows were even spoken. The facade wears thin, as all masks do, and she begins to blame her husband for a role she chose for herself. When the book opens, she has disappeared. At first, we shift the blame for her supposed abduction to her husband. Then we realize she is the one to blame for her own actions.

Obviously, the actions in the book are more extreme than in a usual marriage, but they still have ties to common marital issues. Amy completely subjugated herself for the relationship. For the image of a perfect marriage. When she realized she was unhappy, she chose to shift the blame for her actions to her partner that was unaware of her deceptions. She ran away to run from the persona she created. This pattern of failing to take responsibility for one’s own happiness and then blaming the spouse for the lack of contentment is all too common. Just as the pattern did not work too well for Amy, it doesn’t work in the real world either. You can disappear, but the unhappiness will be on your tail.

Amy was not the only weak link in the union. Rather than face his growing feelings of isolation and shame related to his failed career, Nick chose to seek attention in the arms of another. He tried to solve one problem by creating another. He also ran from the marriage, but his trek didn’t take him on the road.

Nick and Amy lived in a world of facades, more concerned about the illusions than the realities. In the end, they decide to settle for the illusion. It is an ending that has received much complaint and push-back. Perhaps because we want to believe that they can conjure up real love from the smoke and mirrors.

If we want real love in our lives, it has to start with authenticity. Be true to yourself and reveal yourself to your partner. Take responsibility for your actions and your own happiness. Love comes with imperfections and acceptance. Don’t get so carried away with the face of the marriage that is presented to the world that you forget to nurture it behind closed doors.

Gone Girl makes a much better read than Fifty Shades of Grey, but I still think the latter makes for a better party theme.

And now that you’ve read Gone Girl, check out Lessons From the End of a Marriage🙂

The Book is Out!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You can now find my book on Amazon!

The rest of my unbelievable story!

More lessons!

More metaphors!

Check it out!

The book is currently available on Kindle. I will be working on the print and Nook versions soon.

Thank you to everyone that supported and encouraged me along this journey:)

Adventures in Publishing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Somehow it seems appropriate to be here three years after my tsunami divorce.

Just days after the end, I picked up a pen and wrote voluntarily for the first time in my life.  Days after that, I moved my journal to the computer and began to craft a book out of my life. I wrote consistently, even compulsively, for a couple months.  It was therapy.  I spewed my rage and sorrow upon the keyboard and somehow some a story was crafted. Then, as abruptly as I started writing, I stopped.  For two years, I knew that I intended to finish the book, but I couldn’t bring myself to work on it.  The original intensity had faded, yet it was too painful to give the file more than a cursory look.

Finally, last winter, I knew I was ready to begin again.  A friend recommended that I start this blog.  It was a great suggestion, as this has been a place for honing my writing, brainstorming ideas, learning to be comfortable with my writing and story being “out there,” and it has opened up bigger opportunities.  It has also been a distraction from writing the book; 800 word typo-filled blog posts are much easier to write than a full-length fully-edited book.  Who knew? 🙂

It’s tangible.

My goal for this summer was to actually finish the book rather than just talk about it.  I’m pretty much there.  It’s written. It’s formatted. It’s currently being edited.  Once the final changes are made, I’ll upload the final version into KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) and click “submit.” (…and then re-format the whole thing again for the print version…but I’m not ready to think about that yet!)

A few months ago, I wrote a post contemplating when I could call myself a writer.  I definitely feel like one now after a solid month of sitting on a hard chair in a hot office pounding away at the keys.  The sore brain and butt confirm it. So does the almost full ream of paper it took to print the thing for the editor:)

Computer on the left, book on the right.

It’s been a crazy summer pushing to get all my projects done before school starts up again (which for teachers around here is just a couple weeks away!). I used a 4-part motivation/organization/idea board to keep me going.

FYI – “Body” has my marathon training schedule and reminders to stretch!

It’s crazy to think that I’ll be ready to change the label on the “book” square soon.  Any suggestions for what I should add there?

I know my boyfriend and the animals will be happy to have me spend more time downstairs instead of holed up in my office.  He (the boyfriend, not the dog!) leaves me little notes around my desk.  I found this one in the spiral I use to jot down notes a couple days ago.

You finally get to see what the boyfriend looks like! 🙂

Tiger and Maddy have enjoyed my time writing.  This is on the couch behind my desk.

We think of Tiger as a Pit Bull Ambassador.

This has been an amazing adventure.  The book has been so therapeutic to write; working with the story has helped to distance me from some of the pain.  I have learned so much in the process as I have taken the needed steps to take the book from its infancy three years ago to a finished and published (and hopefully read!) product.

I love that I’m celebrating (yes, celebrating) the three-year anniversary of the tsunami with the completion of the book. It feels like I’m ready to close that chapter of my life and move on to my new lessons.

Until then, I am enjoying some summer (which means resting my brain and running my butt) while awaiting word (hopefully not too many!) from the editor.  And, soon, I hope to push “submit!”

Adventures in Publishing, Part II

How to Become a Huffington Post Blogger

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In the last few weeks, I have been receiving quite a few inquiries about how I started blogging for the Huffington Post.  The short answer?  It was a combination of daily work and luck.  Here are my tips for those of you who are interested in getting your writing out on the big stage:

Image representing Huffington Post as depicted...

1) Read the Huffington Post.  Daily.  You don’t have to read the entire site, just focus on the sections which are of interest to you and are similar in topic to your writing.  You won’t know what they are looking for if you are not familiar with the material on the site.  I find that it is easiest to subscribe to my sections of interest  in my RSS reader so that I get a notification when a new article is posted.  That becomes especially important with tip #2.

2) Comment on articles and blogs.  Take the time to craft well thought out responses that add to the post or provide an alternate view in a respectable tone.  The best comments provide some information while hinting that you have more to say on the topic at hand.  Leave them wanting more.  You can link to your blog or your other writings on the topic.  This is where the work comes in; I spend thirty minutes or so a day reading and commenting on appropriate articles.

3) In the meantime, work to create a body of writing if you have not already.  This shows your writing style as well as demonstrates that you have a unique view or story to share.

Writing

4) Keep this up for a while and you may get lucky and have an editor contact you with a blog idea.  If this doesn’t happen, then proceed to #5.

5) On the “Contact Us” link on Huffington Post you will find a link to submit a pitch for a blog.  They give you the option of submitting the full text or just a description of your blog idea.  I have not gone this route, but I would recommend submitting the entire post so that your ability to craft a quality product is not in question.  Also, write about an area where you are passionate; it will show in your writing and will pull others in.

I wish everyone the best on their writing, whether you keep a private journal, a public blog, or are working to become a published author.

You can find my Huffington Post submissions here. My book is available on Amazon and you can read about my experiences with publishing here and here.

Huffington Post also led to my appearance on The Jeff Probst Show!

When Can I Call Myself a Writer?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

penulis = writer

Labels are such interesting little buggers.  Those simple words, either self-applied or applied by others that seem to form our self-concept and either expand or limit how we see ourselves.

I recently had someone refer to me as a writer. It gave me pause, as I have not thought of myself that way.

Until my husband left, I never wrote anything that wasn’t assigned by a teacher or professor. I suppose I was okay, but I never felt compelled to write and certainly never had a passion for it. As soon as he left, I purchased a spiral notebook and a green pen (the green was very important at the time). And I began to write. The writing was purgative, words never meant to be seen by another. However, I was putting pen to paper under my own volition. Is one a writer by act regardless of purpose or intended audience?

Was I a writer then?

In those early weeks, as I saw the shock and interest in the faces of the police and attorneys, I realized that this story needed to be told. The writing left the spiral notebook and went on a pilgrimage to the computer, where it began to be crafted into a book. Those words were only shared with a select few and were never fully formed into finished chapters. Is one a writer when crafting for an audience, even if imaginary and existing in some ambiguous future?

Was I a writer then?

Almost two years went by without much progress on the book. As I felt driven to write again, I decided to start this blog. Apparently people read it. Did I become a writer when my words were posted in the public domain?

Was I a writer then?

Now, I have been published in the Huffington Post. Let me pause here for a brief interlude. Oh. My. God. I am in the Huff Post. Deep breath.  So.  Freakin.  Surreal.  Okay, now I can continue. Does being asked to contribute to a major publication make one a writer?

Am I a writer now?

At some point, I would love to be paid to write. Is receiving remuneration for authorship services required of one who is designated as a writer. In other words, does the IRS need to see me as a writer in order for me to qualify?

Will I be a writer then?

How about when my book is completed and published (hey, now, I’ve got to dream big!!)?

Will I be a writer then?

It is strange how writing has permeated my life these last three years when it has been all but absent for the previous 31 (okay, so I actually couldn’t write for the first few of those…). I spend time every day mentally composing and then crafting posts. I enjoy the process of writing and I love hearing feedback from those who read my words. Writing has become a way to reflect and to share.  It is now both purgative and restorative.  At this point, it has become part of who I am.  I feel like I’ve embodied its spirit to the point where I cannot imagine its exit from my life.  I think that is what makes me a writer.