Dealing With the Shame and Embarrassment of Being Cheated On
Cheaters Are…
Cheaters are…
What’s the first word that comes to your mind?
Selfish?
Liar?
$%&*$?
You wouldn’t be wrong.
Goodness knows I have felt – and said – those words along with much worse in regards to my cheating ex and others that have betrayed their partners. I’ve even felt physically ill when in the presence of strangers that seem to be involved in illicit activity.
In the beginning, I was all-rage. It was black and white in my eyes and he was the monster that swallowed all the light.
Then some things shifted. The anger softened. I started to think a little more and feel a little less.
Cheating is wrong. That is clear. It is never acceptable to betray someone (especially the one you promised to love and care for) in order to have your own wants (because let’s be honest, these are not needs) met. It is a selfish choice. The lies and manipulations that the cheater uses to hide their activities are often cruel. It’s a decision that has horrific and lasting effects on the one betrayed as they struggle to regain their confidence and ability to trust.
Yet as I gained a little more distance from my own experience being betrayed, I came to some startling – and difficult – realizations. I struggle with these still. On some days, I want to shuttle all of the cheaters to Greenland and leave them stranded with nothing but a pair of shorts. And then on other days, I respond more compassionately, seeing them as emotionally stunted, immature and blatantly self-unaware.
Difficult Realization #1
You Know – and Probably Like – People That Have Cheated
After my ordeal, I had several people in my life open up to me. And I learned that there were people that I liked, cared for and even respected that had been unfaithful at some point in their past. Since I wasn’t the one betrayed in these cases, my response didn’t have the same emotional intensity as it did with my ex.
I considered these people. The entirety of them. Learning that one fact about them was upsetting and unsettling, but it also didn’t erase the rest of the person that I had known for some time. Also, and this is key, all of them had taken responsibility for their actions and had made significant changes since the time they were unfaithful.
They hide in plain sight. It’s not like most people go around and brag about their infidelity and many people that have been betrayed choose to stay quiet. Simply based on probability, you have family members that have cheated and some of your friends and coworkers have betrayed their spouses.
People are complicated. You can have great people that do shitty things and shitty people that do a great job at pretending to be great. Betrayal is certainly a shitty action, but does automatically flush away the entire person?
Difficult Realization #2
Cheating is Common
I get frustrated sometimes with the assumption that cheater = narcissist. Considering that the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is around 1% of the population and it’s estimated that somewhere between 25-50% of people have cheated at some point, there are far more people cheating without that diagnosis (or there’s a handful of narcissists that have been VERY busy).
To me, the fact that it is common is evidence that it’s not only monsters that make this decision. Instead, it’s evidence that humans can do dumb things, act without consideration for others and engage in extreme cover-ups to avoid getting caught or having to face the truth themselves.
Part of accepting its prevalence is coming to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as an affair-proof relationship. You can choose wisely, pay attention to your partner and the marriage, and still end up finding that awful text message on their phone. And, especially after going through betrayal, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
Difficult Realization #3
Cheaters Are Not All Alike
Some cheaters are just plain terrible people. They continually act without regard for others, endanger their partner with their actions and refuse to accept any responsibility for their choices (often gaslighting and projecting in an attempt to blame their spouse for their wandering genitalia). These people suck and I would love to crowdfund a one-way ticket to Greenland for the lot of them.
But that’s not all of them. Some (often dubbed “unicorns” in affair-recovery circles) do everything right once the affair is revealed. They own up and do the work. Others may get there eventually, but it takes them more time. And then some are just plain clueless.
The motivation for the affair is also important. Some are truly in loveless marriages (although they all claim that, don’t they?) while others betray a loving spouse in the most brutal ways. There are cheaters who battle addiction – sexual or otherwise – that complicates their decision-making. And as difficult as it is to accept, sometimes they do fall in love with somebody else (although the way they handled it is far-from-okay).
Cheaters form a very diverse group. It doesn’t do anyone any favors to lump them all in together.
Difficult Realization #4
“I Would Never…” is a Dangerous Road
I have never cheated. I have never come close to cheating. I cannot imagine cheating. Yet at the same time, I’m careful to not say that I would never cheat.
Because that cocky certainty can easily lead to making some bad choices that would send me to a slippery slope. In fact, that assuredness is one of the common ways that emotional affairs begin.
I don’t believe we all have the capacity to act like terrible people described above. That takes a special kind of suckitude. Yet we all can do some pretty crappy things. We all can make choices that hurt our partners. And we all can struggle with facing hard truths.
When we say, “I would never…,” we’re opening the door.
Personally, I choose to say, “I never want to cheat” and then I make sure that my choices and actions are in alignment with that statement.
These Realizations Don’t Dictate Your Response
No matter how many people you like that have cheated in their pasts, no matter how common infidelity is and no matter what degree of suckitude your cheating partner reached, you can set your own boundaries for what you will tolerate.
The pain from betrayal is brutal. Learning that the person who vowed to protect you has instead been eating cake while slipping you poison is earth-shattering. The aftershocks last for years and the loss of blind trust lasts a lifetime. Infidelity is theft. And you have a right to all of the emotions that it brings up in you.
When it comes down to it, the collective nature of cheaters doesn’t matter.
Only your situation does.
And if you do decide to send them on that one-way trip to Greenland, don’t forget the polar bear bait:)
For those of you hurting, maybe this can help.
Was Any of It Real?
“When do you think it started?” I was asked recently in regards to my ex’s betrayals.
“I traced it back more than two years, but then I made a decision to stop looking. So really, I have no idea.”
I responded to her question while my mind was busy posing its own question to me –
“Was any of it real?”
It’s a question that plagued me in the beginning. Haunting me. Taunting me as I replayed memories built over sixteen years, examining them for signs of fabrication.
Was the entire marriage, the entire relationship, a sham? Did I unknowingly turn my life over to a master manipulator to be used and discarded as easily as a prop on a magician’s stage?
Or, was it once real? Pure and sweet before it became rotten and poisoned from some outside source?
I will never know.
Yet even amidst that perpetual uncertainty, I have made up my mind.
It doesn’t matter what was real and what was not.
Whatever his mindset and motivations were behind all of those precious memories are inconsequential. Because at the time those experiences and feelings occurred, they were real to me.
And that is what matters.
I will never know what happened behind the scenes. His experiences and thoughts will forever remain a mystery. And since a mystery takes up more mental space than a known entity, I have chosen to no longer entertain the question
Since the marriage is gone, its veracity no longer has any real meaning and serves no purpose outside of my own mind. It seems cruel to myself to settle on the more painful option, so I have elected to not contribute to the torment that he put me through and believe that at some point,
it was real.
The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship
When you don’t feel safe in a relationship, your focus shifts from connection to protection.
Instead of turning towards your partner, you’re turning inward or turning away in an attempt to avoid a sense of increasing danger.
And relationship safety is often misunderstood. We tend to oversimplify the state; believing that as long as physical threats are not present, there is no reason to not feel safe (yet there are many ways that we can feel emotionally unsafe in relationships). Additionally, we often dismiss or misinterpret feeling a lack of safety in a relationship. We may chalk it up to our own insecurities or blame it on anxiety arising from within.
You also may be unintentionally behaving in a way that lessens your partner’s sense of safety in the relationship. And so that disconnect or tension that you may sensing could be their attempt to protect themselves.
What Does Not Feeling Safe in a Relationship Look Like?
- Not knowing what to expect from day to day or moment to moment.
- A hesitancy to initiate affection or intimacy because of a pattern of rejection.
- Biting your tongue out of a fear of the repercussions of speaking your truth.
- Your emotions being mocked or dismissed.
- Always being asked to change your appearance or demeanor in order to be accepted.
- A feeling of walking on eggshells because of repeated emotional outbursts or unexpected and over-the-top reactions.
- Intimacy and connection are used as both reward and punishment – if you’re “good,” you get attention and if you’re “bad,” it’s withheld.
- A feeling that you have to put on a front or hide certain aspects of yourself in order to avoid rejection or ridicule.
- Your partner frequently threatens to leave or divorce.
What Characteristics Make People Feel Safe in a Relationship?
Physical
Your partner doesn’t hit you, hold you down or use their body to intimidate you. You don’t expect a physical altercation and you don’t flinch when they reach towards you. If you are hurt or ill, they will attend to your physical needs. If you reach towards them, they accept your touch. Any physical rejection is done with kindness and not blame or shame and sexual activities are never forced or coerced.
Consistency
You generally know what to expect from your partner and your relationship. Their actions and reactions are familiar and somewhat predictable. Additionally, except in extreme cases, emotional responses are not over-the-top and are appropriate for the situation.
Authenticity
You feel like you can be you. The real you. You don’t feel like you have to hide or pretend in order to be accepted. You can speak the hard truths without fear of overreaction or detonation. You also trust that your partner is revealing their true nature and that they are not holding back anything of importance. An authentic relationship is not always happy, but it’s also not hiding anything.
Vulnerability
You can be weak without fear of being taken advantage of. You can reveal your fears and insecurities without ridicule or emotional blackmail. You feel like it’s okay to not be okay and that a temporary state will not become a permanent point of contention.
Acceptance
You feel listened to. Valued and valuable. Your partner doesn’t try to change you or frequently compare you to others. Criticisms are aimed at your behaviors rather than at your core self. They accept you as you are, not as they want you to be. Any requests or encouragement towards change is both fair and approached with your wellbeing in mind.
The Link Between Relationship Safety and Anxiety or Insecurity
Our primary relationships often set the tone for the rest of our experiences. We expect to be able to come home and relax our guard, to be authentic without the risk of excess judgement or the fear of being taken advantage of. To be our best, we need our relationships to be our stable ground from which we grow into the rest of our lives.
And so when home is more unpredictable wobble board than sanctuary, the effects extend outwards. Much like an infant with an insecure attachment to a parent shows less confidence in exploring the world, an adult that doesn’t feel safe in their primary relationship may hesitate to to take risks or be prone to excess worry.
Of course, not all anxiety or insecurity is relationship-based. Yet if your symptoms increase when you’re around your partner or are primarily present at home, this may the root cause of your stress. Also pay attention to a lasting sense of “walking on eggshells.” This feeling is common during times of stress or transition, but if it continues, it indicates that you are afraid of triggering a reaction.
Often people are surprised when they feel calmer and more confident when a significant relationship ends. But it’s not surprising at all when they never felt safe within that relationship.
How Past Betrayal and/or Abandonment Impact Relationship Safety
Part of the trauma of both betrayal and abandonment is that they destroy any sense of safety. And those effects are lasting, even following you into a new relationship. This is especially true if you felt safe and secure until the moment you realized that the firm ground was instead an illusion crafted to keep you unsuspecting.
A sense of safety is related to trust, yet it is also its own domain. Trust comes down to believing that your partner’s actions align with their words. Safety also relies on a sense of consistency and acceptance. And both obviously suffer after betrayal or rejection.
If you have experienced this kind of relationship trauma, it will be some time before you feel steady again, no matter how secure your footing. Part of the healing process is learning what is a true danger and what is merely a malfunctioning alarm.
The Limitations of a Safe Relationship
There is no such thing as a fail-proof relationship. It is impossible to be involved with another person and never feel hurt or disappointed. Feeling safe in a relationship does not mean that your emotions will never be bruised. Instead, it comes down to trusting that your partner will never internally seek to harm you and if they do misstep, they will take responsibility for their part in the transgression.
The Powerful Benefits of Feeling Safe in a Relationship
Safety is a primary need. Without a sense of safety, much of your energy is extended towards being ready to run, hide or fight if needed. And when that need is met, your energy is freed towards growth and you feel securely anchored enough to take risks in other areas.
When at their best, our relationships give us both the firm ground on which to stand and the encouragement to extend beyond our perceived limitations.
When They Deny the Affair
Something’s up. Maybe you stumbled across an inappropriate text or perhaps there’s just a different energy in the air. Either way, your suspicions are growing, eating at you as your imagination begins to shift into overdrive.
Summoning your courage as you straddle the line between wanting to know and wanting to believe that everything is okay, you ask –
“Are you having an affair?”
And the response is volleyed back.
“No.”
You’re not sure how to feel. It’s the answer you want to hear. Want to believe. But at the same time, you’re not sure if you do believe it.
In some ways, you’d prefer a confirmation of your fears, because then at least you would know where you stand.
But this?
It’s maddening.
Agonizing.
Obviously someone isn’t telling the truth. But is it your partner or your own fears?
As you try to unravel the truth, begin by considering the reasons they may be denying an affair –
They may be trying to have their cake and eat it too.
“But I want them both!” you can just picture this person insisting like a spoiled toddler while stomping their feet. This is the stereotypical selfish cheater. They want what they want and they don’t expend too much energy thinking about how it might impact those around them. They lie not because they particularly enjoy lying, but because they want to get away with this for as long as possible. They are not worried about the truth hurting you; they are concerned about the impact the truth will have on their fun.
It’s rare that someone would only act selfishly in regards to a relationship. Instead, it tends to be their general approach to everything in life. Consider if they generally lack empathy and have a tendency to consider their own needs at the exclusion of others. These sorts of people will often speak of how they deserve happiness and may play the martyr or victim routinely.
They may enjoy the power that comes from deception.
These are worst type of cheaters. The actual affair may be ancillary to them; their primary motivation is the power and glee they gain from manipulating those around them. Although this type of person is obvious in some ways, when you’re under their spell woven with gaslighting and emotional abuse, your view is blurry.
These are the cheaters that will respond with outrage at your accusation, no matter how damning the evidence is against them. They will turn the fingers back at you, painting you as crazy, irrational or unfaithful in your own right.
It’s very difficult to see gaslighting when you’re in it. If you suspect that this may be your situation, talk to others you trust to gain their perspective and find a way to take a little break from the relationship to give yourself some space to think clearly.
They may be too scared to admit the truth.
They know they messed up. They know the truth will hurt you and they don’t want to hurt you. On one level, they may believe they are doing the right thing. Protecting you. On another level, they are afraid of seeing the hurt, the betrayal in your eyes and knowing that they are the one who put that there.
This puts you in a tough place. Your suspicions make you anxious and their response makes you frustrated and confused. Your emotions are high, yet the best way to uncover the truth is to stay calm so that they feel safer in revealing it. Is it fair to ask you to temper your emotions when they are the ones misbehaving? No. But then again, nothing about infidelity is fair.
The good news is that this is the type of cheater that often feels great remorse for their actions. They are ones most likely to take responsibility when they are ready to face the truth. Patience may be called for here as you give them to space to summon up the courage needed to speak, but you also have the right to set your own boundaries about what you will not tolerate.
They may believe they are innocent.
Perhaps they define infidelity differently than you do and so even though they’ve crossed your line, they are still safely on the innocent side of their own demarkation. This happens often when there is an emotional affair; the betrayed partner is picking up on the emotional distance and redirected attention while the other proclaims their integrity is intact because the clothes have stayed on. Before accepting their proclamation of innocence, ensure that you are indeed talking about the same thing.
This can also happen when the betrayer is a pro at compartmentalization or rationalization. They see themselves as a “good” person, someone who would never cheat on their partner. And so they participate in impressive mental gymnastics in an attempt to reconcile their actions with their beliefs about themselves.
They may come up with a reason that the affair is inconsequential (“We only have sex. There is no emotional component, so it doesn’t impact my marriage.”). Or, they may keep that side of themselves completely separate from their normal guise, often using alcohol or other substances to help block out (or excuse) their actions.
This situation can be tricky to suss out, especially if they only show you the “good” side. Pay attention to how they handle mistakes and embarrassing situations. If they have a tendency to secret these relatively banal things away, it’s an indication that they have a tendency to split when experiencing shame.
They may be innocent.
This best case may be the real case. It’s possible that you misinterpreted something or allowed your fears or past experiences to reach false conclusions. Of course, you also have to be careful not to rush to the perceived security of this assumption too quickly. Because once we believe something, we inadvertently seek confirmation that it is true. And you don’t want your denial to offer a safe hiding place for a cheater.
Just as you don’t want to provide a safe haven for a cheater, you also don’t want to create a hostile environment for an honest person where they are constantly bombarded with fake accusations. This is why it’s important to pay close attention to your reactions, trust yourself to see and handle the truth, and keep your eyes open in regards to your partner. Don’t excuse their stuff and also don’t accuse them of yours.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 