Finding the Sweet Spot Between Naivete and Panic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had a bit of a freak out earlier this week. Actually, to be completely truthful, I’m still trying to tame the freak out.

The specifics don’t really matter here. What you need to know is this – I saw a small thing. A no-thing. A thing with no supporting things to make it into some-thing.

And I initially brushed it off as the no-thing it is.

But my brain had other ideas. You see, in my first marriage, I was naive. Completely ignorant, partly from an inability to face the reality and partly because I had complete (and blind) trust in my husband. And once you’ve been fooled, you feel pretty stupid. And you vow to never be fooled again.

And so my brain, completely ignoring the facts and the current reality, tapped on my dreams, whispering, “Are you sure? Remember what happened before? Don’t be stupid.”

I awoke the first two times from those nocturnal nudgings agitated and also annoyed. Unlike marriage numero uno, I am not afraid to face reality (no matter how ugly it may be) and I also don’t have a husband that leaves maybe-they-are-things-but-his-explanation-sounds-legit behind him like a trail of breadcrumbs. So I wasn’t freaked out; I saw those questions as what they were – ghosts of marriage past.

And I feel strongly that it’s important not to punish a new partner for the sins of the old.

But then the dreams came a third time. And this time was different. I awoke at 4:00 am and made my way downstairs. I felt sick from the anxiety that was building within my body. The questions took over, roiling in my mind like water on a hot stove. And as I sat there, waiting to start my coffee and my day, the no-thing grew into a big thing.

I still thought the questions were misplaced, asked years too late and directed at the wrong person, but after the third dream, I realized they needed to be asked.

And I’m so glad I did. Not only was Brock’s response perfect, but I felt my fears lift as I uttered the questions. I think my brain was just insisting that I not only face it alone, that I trust the marriage enough to face it as a team.

Now the voices have quieted, leaving me with only the residual mess to clean up.

But it’s not easy.

Finding the sweet spot between perpetual suspicion and willing blindness.

Between panic and naivete.

Learning to distinguish between past and present.

And trusting that you will see the some-things and learn to brush off the no-things.

Because if you see some-thing in every-thing, no-thing grows to fill the expectations.

Brock asked me what he could do to help. And it made me realize the futility of his position. He did nothing to cause my freak out and there’s nothing he can do to help ease the anxiety. Other than be himself and be patient with me.

Because one of the side effects of my past is that I no longer trust words (and even actions after-the-fact). They’re simply too easy to manipulate.

I feel like I spend the majority of time comfortably toeing the line between the two extremes. And it’s been quite a while since I had a freak out like this one.

And this was a good reminder not to ever get so comfortable with anything that you become complacent.

Navigating the sweet spot between naivete and panic cannot be undertaken on autopilot.

How to Steer Your Dreams

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I remember feeling safe. Our bodies were pressed together, recesses and curves paired together as though from complementary molds. His smell was familiar, both comforting and intoxicating, bringing contentment with a whisper of passion. My eyes were closed as we began to kiss, slow caresses that were full of promise and affection. As our lips parted, I pulled back and opened my eyes.

In my dream, I screamed and shoved him away in disgust and revulsion.

In my bed, I sat straight up, my pulse racing and my stomach queasy.

It had happened again.

For the first several months after he left, some version of this dream would visit me on a regular basis. It was one of those persistent ones. The kind that leave a lasting mark like the reddened skin after a pinch, coloring the entire day. I hated those dreams. They embodied my shock and confusion at the discovery that my protector had turned into my persecutor as the dream flipped from love to horror. Furthermore, the dream made me feel violated and dirty, as I no longer felt any sort of attraction to him.

I hated them.

But still they came.

Quickening the pulse and deadening the day.

I tired of them.

I tried ordering my brain to stop force-feeding me those images while I was defenseless.

It stubbornly refused, simply providing variations on a theme.

So I got creative.

It’s impossible to fully control your dreams. Yet you can apply some strategies that help to steer them in the direction you want:

Purge

If you fall asleep with a whole bunch of toxic sludge filling your thoughts, it is no surprise that those thoughts will work themselves into an unwanted dream. Before you head to bed, purge your mind of all those worries and fears bu simply jotting them down. This is not a full writing exercise, simply a listing of words and/or phrases that capture the negativity on your mind. Let it go first and perhaps it will let you rest in peace.

Replace

If your dream is like mine where the context is fine and the person is the problem, work to replace them in your mind. Before you fall asleep, picture the replacement in the situation. If you awake from the dream, similarly picture the stand-in. It’s often easier to tweak an element of a dream than to try to suppress the entire thing.

Edit

Another way to actively modify your dream is to rewrite the portion that causes grief. Most likely, the worst part of the “story” occurs at the point where it awakens you. So, once you are awake and in control again, finish out the story, bringing an ending that is less painful. You’re telling yourself, “Yes, that was scary. But it was not the end of the story. I can still change the outcome.”

Listen

Sometimes our dreams contain a message. Sometimes there are themes we need to address in our lives or voids we need to fill. Examine your dream, looking not at the literal components, but at the overarching truths. Is there something there that you’ve been hesitant to face in your real life? If so, this is your wake-up call.

Journal

Journal writing exists in the space between the conscious and unconscious minds. It is uniquely positioned to allow your thinking self to dialog with your feeling self. Write about your dreams without censorship. Explore the paths that appear. And don’t hesitate to build new paths as well.

Prime

Be cognizant of what you are exposed to right before bed. If your reading or viewing selection if fraught with tension and dark themes, it primes the mental pump to continue these in to slumber. Instead, select media that provides a sense of levity or comfort and allow it to infuse your dreams.

Live

This is perhaps the most important piece. Live while you are awake. Don’t allow your nightmares to limit your dreams.

Once I instituted these ideas, the dreams began to lose their power. First, their intensity was lessened as he was replaced by a replacement. I would still wake up, but I would be left with a feeling more of confusion than of horror. Then, the dreams began to lose their frequency, becoming more and more rare as I addressed the root emotions and continued to build my new life. And now, those dreams are only a memory, safely buried.

The Forgotten Lesson

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes I miss the year of tear-stained cheeks.

Not the piercing pain. Or the perpetual confusion. And definitely not the ever-vigilant fear.

But the constant reminder of what really matters.

And what is just noise.

It was like the trauma itself acted as a filter. In order for something to register, it had to be at least as loud as the pain.

And that left quite a bit disregarded on the floor, rated as unimportant compared to the major life themes coursing through my mind on a daily basis.

I found myself surprised by some of the experiences that did register. A respite in the February sun trilled louder than my keening. Appreciation for a surprise snack of succulent fruit sounded above the din of my panicking brain. I accepted invites without hesitation, regardless of what tasks needed to be accomplished by some pressing deadline.

I have allowed myself to forget this lesson.

With no filter in place to separate the critical from the inconsequential, I have permitted the noise to deafen me.

Apparently I need a refresher course.

Be Where You Are for Dummies, Part II.

Class is in session.

I Feel Scared

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Until my divorce, I thought I had a plan for my life.

I thought I had a loving husband.

I thought I had a savings account.

I thought I knew my future.

And then, with one text, it was all gone.

And in some ways, it was the most freeing moment of my life.

Because I faced my greatest fear.

And survived.

 

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Not only is divorce itself scary, it has a way of triggering childhood fears as well. If you’re feeling anxious and scared after divorce, these posts are for you:

Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you easily triggered? Do you have flashbacks that immediately take you back? Then you will relate to the idea of PTSD after divorce.

 

If you have been betrayed, this piece will help you understand how your thinking changes. Once you see a zebra…

 

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Healing isn’t linear. Days and even months of okay can be followed by a no good, very bad, horrible day.

 

faith

 

Do you find that triggers seem to attack when you least expect? Are you tired of overreacting to situations?

 

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The best news? You can retrain your brain. Every bad moment is an opportunity to respond differently.

 

Bone

 

Often we cannot face things until we feel safe. Ready, set, face.

 

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Gut Check

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As awesome as the Alaskan cruise was, it has one lingering drawback. A solid eight days of eating food that your body is not acclimated to has certain…effects. Human stomachs are rather sensitive creatures, their flora and fauna well-aclimated to our usual diets. And when you take two people that generally eat healthy and at home and transfer us to a buffet for a week? Let’s just say that even the healthier choices still weren’t quite the same.

And as the environment changes, the gut flora change as well. I swear the little bacteria throw temper tantrums like two-year-olds when they are denied their favorite foods. At least that’s what it feels like.

It takes time to undo the damage. A steady diet of the usual foods supplemented with a truckload of probiotics (seriously, we are up to our eyeballs in pills, yogurt and kefir!) slowly restores normality again.

But here’s where it gets interesting. You see, nothing in our bodies occurs in isolation. Every system is connected to and influenced by every other system.

And that includes our thoughts.

Recent studies have shown a correlation between abnormal gut flora and poor mental health. We have evolved to play host to those helpful microbes and perhaps their absence impacts much more than digestion. Eating a healthy diet impacts more than just your physical health; it improves your psychological health as well. Hmmm…I wonder if I can blame part of my end-of-the-summer grumpiness on misbehaving gut flora? 🙂

It gets even stranger. It appears as though those little gut residents can even send out neurotransmitters.

Yes, that’s right. Our gut can actually “talk” to our brain.

Are you listening?

I know when I experience anxiety, it manifests as a collection of physical symptoms before it ever registers in the brain.

I used to ignore those feelings, dismiss them as primitive and erroneous.

Now I realize that I ignored the gut at my own peril. I may have been feeding it the right nourishment, but I downplayed its cries for help.

No more.

Now I listen to my gut and trust what it tells me.

Which right now is to enjoy another pumpkin brownie before I head to bed!