How to Love And Be Loved After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve always hated the term “baggage.”

 

It implies that that some people are more trouble than they’re worth because of what has happened in their pasts. That those of us who have had the misfortune of cheating exes or tumultuous divorces are somehow doomed by our experiences. It assumes that our histories are our destinies and that we carry our traumas like an anchor around the neck.

 

Yet the dismissive term of “baggage” ignores the fact that those who have experienced relationship trauma can often make wonderful partners that are more attuned and adept at monitoring and using emotions. That rather than just “getting over it,” many choose to “learn from it,” becoming better and stronger than ever before.

 

Life is not about what happened to us. It’s about how we choose to respond to what happens.

It’s not the baggage that matters. It’s all in how you carry it.

 

My now-husband had every right to run when he first heard my story. At the time we met, I was at the tail end of a very difficult divorce and taking the first shaky steps into my new life. I was no longer shock raw from my ex’s abandonment and betrayals, but I was nowhere near healed. Triggers would lie in wait, ready to pounce when I least expected it. I was overly sensitive in some areas and still numb in others. I wanted to be healed and was making active progress, but the finish line was still far in the distance.

 

And yet even with all of that, my now-husband didn’t run.

 

Instead, he helped me find my way to healed. He didn’t take the steps for me, but he cheered me. Pushed me. Rendered aide when needed. And waited patiently while I journeyed the course.

 

If you are in a partnership with someone who is still healing from a past relationship, you need to know the following:

Read read the rest on The Good Men Project.

8 Things I Wish I Had Known During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
wish I had known

Experience is quite a teacher, isn’t she? No matter how many books we read or how many pieces of advice we receive, there are certain matters you only truly understand after you have lived through them.

And, for roughly half of us, that life experience includes divorce.

The following are the lessons from divorce that I wish I had known before living it:

1) There is nothing that the courts can do to make it okay.

During the legal proceedings, I was obsessed with finding justice. I wanted consequences for his actions and validation of my innocence. I spent countless hours and even more countless dollars assembling a case. It worked. On paper, at least. But the reality was disappointing. The ordered payments never came and the impact of the words on the decree lessened every day. Family courts are just not set up to punish individual misdeeds; they punish the entire class. Justice doesn’t come from the gavel. It comes from proceeding with integrity and living the best life you can. It’s not up to courts to make it okay. It’s up to you.

Read the other 7 lessons I wish I had known during divorce. 

Sleight of Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Our minds are so skilled at focusing on one thing to the exclusion of others. We see what we expect to see. We look to verify our assumptions.

Sometimes our brains filter information so that we can focus on the most important information. Other times, our brains take shortcuts so that we can free up processing space for more pressing concerns.

But other times, our brains perform this sleight of mind in order to distract us from the real issues at hand.

I had someone contact me recently who was concerned about the attentions his wife gave to another man while they were separated. Because it was less painful to focus on that man than on the changing feelings of his wife.

I have a friend whose husband is suffering from a degenerative disease. She is focused on creating a home. Not because she doesn’t care about her husband, but because it is an area that is safe for her brain to tread.

After my ex left, I focused my attentions on the legal process and on trying to label him. It was too excruciating to process the loss, so my brain looked the other way.

We want so badly to have control. So we choose to focus on those things that we feel like we can change or command.

But remember, just because you didn’t see the bear, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

Your brain is a powerful magician.

But you can learn to see through its tricks.

 

Affair-Proof

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I stumble across the words “affair-proof,” my mind responds like the Incredible Hulk — raging and ready to rip. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wish I could find solace in those words and place my faith in their sanctity.

But I can’t.

Because there is no such thing as an affair-proof relationship.

It simply doesn’t exist. And pretending that it does only causes additional pain and heartbreak.

Implied in those words is the understanding that if an affair occurs, the betrayed obviously did not perform his or her duties effectively to affair-proof the marriage. It places the blame for the infidelity squarely on the shoulders on the one who was cheated upon. Read the rest here.

11 Tips For Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. Read the rest here.