A Facebook Marriage (Keep the Smile On Or Else)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
facebook marriage

I didn’t join Facebook until after my divorce.

But if I did have a Facebook page during my first marriage, it would have revealed nothing of the upcoming marital tsunami. You would have seen pictures of us playing with the dogs and working on the house. You would be jealous of our new (and huge) deck with requisite hot tub overlooking a large wooded backyard. You would be subjected to pictures of public affection and cheery smiles. In other words, we would have looked happy and normal.

And that’s so often the case, isn’t it?

No matter what is occurring behind closed doors, the marriage we reveal to the world is Pinterest-perfect. We see endless streams of seemingly flawless families and we want to blend in. We feel awkward and vulnerable showing any cracks in the marital shell, so we hide them behind carefully selected and cropped photos. Maybe we want to pretend that our marriages are solid and intact and we play out that fantasy on our social threads.

We probably all play that game to some extent, methodically choosing to put our best faces forward while hiding our flaws in the shadows. Airing our successes and anniversaries while shielding our squabbles and struggles. And in most cases, it’s pretty harmless.

But what about when things behind closed doors really aren’t okay? What about when you’re at your breaking point and you need a lifeline?

What about when you just can’t maintain the facade any longer?

There’s a loneliness and an isolation that comes from having to pretend that things are always okay, especially when it seems that everyone else is living a Photoshopped dream.

While Facebook has increased our connections, it can also increase our feelings of shame and distress when our lives fail to meet the “should I post this” test. It’s as though we’re in some sort of marital dissolution quarantine where we have to say something nice or not say anything at all.

It makes me sad when people message me and tell me they would love to follow my Facebook page but they’re embarrassed that someone might see the name, “Lessons From the End of a Marriage” on their feed sandwiched between the silly cat picture and the smiling kids posing in their first-day-of-school-clothes shot.

Because the truth is that divorce is just as much a part of life as silly cats and the first day of school.

And it’s not something that we can edit out as though it doesn’t exist.

Because sometimes pain is hidden behind those Facebook smiles.

And maybe sometimes it’s okay to show it.

I’m not advocating badmouthing your ex in a public platform (especially if you have kids or if the legal process is still ongoing). I’m not promoting a blow-by-blow appropriate for the tabloids. And I’m not suggesting that you divulge thoughts better suited to the therapist’s couch.

But it is okay to show you’re hurting. It’s okay to reach out and ask for help. It’s okay to drop the facade and show some of your cracks.

And yes, some people will question you.

But others will support you.

And others will admire your courage and maybe that will encourage them to show their truth.

Connection is not found through the illusion of perfection.

It’s created when we take down our walls and discover that we have more in common than a fondness for silly cat pictures.

Don’t be afraid to be real.

After all, it’s what makes you awesome.

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A Divorce Proposal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I think we can all agree that ending a marriage should require at least a conversation.

But that doesn’t always happen. All too often, because of cowardice, denial or just plain dirtbaggery, one partner makes the decision unilaterally and simply walks out the door with hardly a “good bye.”

And for the one left behind, the abruptness is devastating. Confusing. Even dehumanizing as such an important conclusion was reached without any input or consideration.

Of course the, “I want out” conversation is one that nobody wants to have. And it’s not surprising that some people simply find a way to sidestep the discussion on their way to packing their bags. But maybe, just maybe, if we can reframe the end of a relationship in the same terms as we use for the beginning of a relationship, we can encourage people to have the talk.

Rebecca Wissink offers a new way to think about the conversation that proceeds the signing of separation papers – the divorce proposal. Read about her idea here and let her know what you think.

Is Having a Back-Up Husband Prudent or Perilous?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I read that a recent not-too-scientific survey found that 50% of women had a back-up husband in mind, I was incredulous and more than a bit surprised. My first thought was for the husbands, wondering if they had any notion that their replacement was apparently standing at the ready. I then pondered if the men-in-waiting knew they were a consolation prize or a safety net and how they might feel at being placed in that role. I then contemplated the women that were either unsure of their marriages or so afraid of the thought of being alone that they always made sure to have another man at the ready.

It seems risky to me to have this sort of mindset. If you have a back-up husband, there must be some energy going into the relationship with him to ensure that he stays close and available (and are there really this many men that are willing to be held in limbo for an uncertain amount of time???). It is almost like the existence of a back-up husband increases the need for a back-up husband. If that energy was put into the primary relationship, perhaps a Plan B would never be required.

Of course, sometimes no matter how much effort we exert, marriages end. And it’s scary to be alone. Daunting to face dating again. Risky to expose vulnerabilities in new relationships. Perhaps there is some prudence to having someone already selected for the role.

As someone who is generally risk averse and a planner by nature, my back-up plans usually have back-up plans. So purely as an intellectual exercise after reading this study, I surveyed the single men in my life to see if any could be candidates for a back-up husband.

And even though they are great guys, awesome friends and would make great partners for somebody, I am not that person. In fact, the mere thought made me feel kind of squicky.

Even though I know firsthand that marriages can end, I don’t want a back-up husband.

I’d rather invest 100% into the marriage and risk losing it all than to spread myself so thin that no relationship really has substance. I would rather count on my own strength to see me through than believe I need a man to support me. And I would rather nurture a supportive group of friends that can act as a safety net than quietly court a man-in-waiting.

Back-up husband? No thanks.

I’d rather have my husband’s back and take my chances.

How to Supercharge Your “I” Statements

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As the child of a marriage and family therapist, I think my first complete sentences came in the form of “I” statements, a conversation tactic often recommended by counselors to express your needs without attacking or blaming the other person. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave your socks on the floor. I would feel calmer if you could place your socks in the hamper.”

“I” statements are certainly useful in situations from the bedroom to the boardroom (and I often use it in the classroom). They are infinitely better than the “You never…” and “You always…” which usually prompts the recipient to either arm him or herself or attempt to shield from the verbal barrage. They require that you first analyze the cause (action/behavior) and effect (your emotional response) before engaging someone in conversation. And they hint at the assertion that both people can work together to find a solution.

Yet even though “I” statements are useful, they have their limitations. They often require some interesting verbal gymnastics to form, they can act as a mere cover for blame and attack and, as I often witness, they can simply turn into an ineffectual argument frequently peppered with the word “I.”

“I” statements are good. And you can make them better. Here’s you to supercharge your “I” statements in three easy steps:

1) Express Your Gratitude: This needs to be sincere appreciation (as BS is worse than silence) and must relate to the situation at hand. On your side, this helps to calm the flames of aggravation and helps remind you of the bigger picture or underlying motivation behind the offensive behavior. For the other person, this will help him or her feel seen and appreciated, which goes a long way to lowering defensiveness and encouraging a willingness to change.

2) Express Your “I” Statement: Keep it simple: “I feel…when…” Clarify if needed. Stay calm; if you escalate your emotions, the other person’s will ramp up as well, lowering the chances of a successful conversation. Be careful not to start with a “But,” as it negates your gratitude statement.

3) Present a Challenge for the Team: Phrase this as a challenge that can be problem-solved together. It’s not one against one, it’s two against the problem at hand. Acknowledge any side issues or limitations that you are aware of, as this lets your partner know you are listening and invested in the process. Don’t go in with a “solution” that you try to sell; this is a problem to be solved together with input from both people. This also helps to limit defensiveness because it is not about what someone is doing wrong, it’s about finding a resolution together.

 

Here’s what this might look like in action:

1) “I really appreciate how hard you work for the family and the security it provides us.”

2) “I miss you when you’re not here; I really enjoy our time together as a family.”

3) “Do you think we could work together to figure out a way that we could have more family time that wouldn’t impact your work or need for time alone?”

 

As with any change, it will feel awkward and formulaic at first. But with practice, it becomes easier and more natural. If you need more ideas about how to approach difficult conversations, this post has several ideas for you.

Growth Mindset in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I can’t do math.”

These are often the first words out of my incoming students’ lips when I first meet them each August.

“Then I’m going to make it my personal goal for the year to show you that you can,” I always respond with an encouraging smile. Because before I can teach them math, I have to teach them that they can do math.

I first learned about fixed versus growth mindsets in my developmental psychology class in college. At its heart, it states that we fall into one of two camps when it comes to beliefs about self – one that asserts that we are born to be good at certain things and inadequate at others and one that maintains that we can always improve.

I was intrigued. Could we really change how people interact with the world and embrace challenge simply by praising their efforts as children rather than their innate gifts?

It seems so.

In fact, I would argue that it is one of the most important lessons, not only for our children, but ourselves.

Because if you believe your nature and abilities are fixed, you are imprisoned by your own beliefs. Whereas if you trust that you can learn from your experiences, obstacles make you stronger instead of holding you back.

A fixed mindset says, “I am my ability.” A growth mindset says, “I am my effort.”

A fixed mindset claims, “The product is all that matters.” A growth mindset responds, “I learn and grow through the process.”

A fixed mindset declares, “My weaknesses are part of who I am and should be hidden.” A growth mindset insists, “My weaknesses show me areas where I can improve.”

A fixed mindset believes in fate. A growth mindset takes responsibility.

A fixed mindset blames and deflects. A growth mindset listens and adapts.

A fixed mindset prefers to live inside a comfort zone. A growth mindset embraces the idea that growth occurs at the edge of panic and ease.

“Growth mindset” is now a buzzword in education as well as business, where companies seek out new hires that demonstrate this trait. Perhaps it’s time for it to become a buzzword in marriages as well.

A fixed mindset seeks a partner who worships and validates you. A growth mindset desires a partner who challenges and encourages you.

A fixed mindset sees a conflict in the marriage as a fatal flaw. A growth mindset recognizes conflict as opportunity.

A fixed mindset feels threatened by feedback and responds defensively. A growth mindset is grateful for the chance to improve.

A fixed mindset creates a marriage that is rigid. A growth mindset leads to a marriage that is flexible and adaptable.

A fixed mindset is driven by a need for approval. A growth mindset is motivated by a need to learn.

A fixed mindset seeks validation outside of yourself and it will never be enough. A growth mindset finds validation within yourself and it will always be enough.

With children, we teach them to have a growth mindset by praising their efforts, “You worked really hard on that project,” rather than their abilities, “You are so smart at reading.” As adults, it is more difficult to adjust our ingrained patterns. But it is not impossible.

Start by identifying one fixed belief you have about yourself (What do you say you “can’t” do?). And then work to change it.

Here’s how I applied that idea in my own life.

A growth mindset says you’re good. And you can be better.

Now go to it!