Divorce Season

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always sad to me how many new readers I gain in late December and early January. From a blogging perspective, sure it’s nice to see an uptick in stats, but from a human perspective, every new reader represents one more person facing a painful (and frequently unexpected) divorce. I often wish I had no readers.

In family law and counseling circles, the period after the holidays is sometimes referred to as “divorce season,” a several week period characterized by an increase in couples filing for divorce and/or revealing their intention to divorce. These decisions are rarely sudden, rather they are a compilation of growing dissatisfaction partnered with the demands of the holiday season. Even in the case of a tsunami divorce, where one partner was blindsided, the other usually had been planning his or her exit for some time.

So what exactly is it about the holidays that leads to an increase in divorce?

Once More For the Kids/Family

For those with kids or traditional family gatherings, the thought of announcing the demise of a marriage shortly before the holidays is fraught with questions and dilemmas. Do you show up at Aunt Dorothy’s asa couple even when you both know you’re not? Do you allow the kids one more Christmas under the family tree before you alter their world? The holidays are often seen as a time for family and togetherness; it can be easier to feign this rather than fracture it right before the season.

Trying to Soften the Blow

If you have made the decision to leave and you want to try to make it as easy on your partner as possible, you may make the decision to wait until after the holidays to hopefully lessen some of the pain of being alone. Or, the exiting spouse may fear the thought of being without the kids or family on the holidays and postpone the announcement until after the festivities. Divorce is rough regardless, but being alone when it seems like everyone else has someone is especially painful.

New Year/ New You

For many, the new year contains a sense of renewal, of promise. If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a marriage that is holding you back, the spirit of the season may be the deciding factor on when to call it quits. Holiday advertising campaigns can compound this drive, as they continually bombard us with messages of “trading up” to a newer and better model.

The Tipping Point of Holiday Stress

You and your spouse may enter the season with no thoughts of divorce but with marital stress already pulling at the seams. In these cases, the added pressure of travel, family and financial stresses can act as a tipping point in the marriage. When a faltering marriage is exposed to outside demands, it is all too easy to take it out on your spouse and allow contempt to take hold.

Expectations and the Media Message

Despite the media portrayal of perfect holiday cheer, the holidays are a difficult time for many, especially those who have experienced family trauma or are prone to depression. The gulf between reality and expectations can grow exponentially during this season, leaving some feeling hopeless and disconnected, withdrawing from the marriage out of pain.

No matter when your marriage ends, divorce is rough. Don’t underestimate its impact and take care of yourself.

Did any of you experience the end of a marriage that coincided with the holiday season? What factors led to your divorce at this time of the year?

When Will My Divorce Be Over?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When will my divorce be over?

It seems like such a clear-cut question, doesn’t it? Obviously, the divorce is over when the legal process is finalized and you receive a decree embossed with your local court’s seal.

But that’s only a piece of the puzzle; that’s when the state sees you as divorced. Not necessarily when you do.

Because a divorce, like a marriage, is so much more than a piece of paper.

There are certain benchmarks that you have to meet before you can relax and truly see your divorce as over. These are in no particular order because they may occur at a different point for each person. And the timeline for healing will be different for everyone.

Release of Hope

Before you can view your divorce as final, you have to first accept that your marriage is over. Maybe you’re a fixer and you are still desperately trying to patch things together. Maybe you are still in disbelief and you keep hoping that your soon-to-be-ex will change his or her mind. Or maybe you have weathered many ups and downs over the course of your marriage and you are holding on to the idea that this down will again be followed by an up. It makes sense to hold on to hope as long as possible. After all, you don’t want to discard a marriage that is still salvageable. However, it’s also important to accept that you cannot control your partner’s choices and you cannot save a marriage on your own.

Acceptance of Circumstances

Divorce changes every aspect of your life – from living situation to lifestyle. Maybe you lost money in the deal or were ordered to pay alimony. Or the judge ordered joint custody when you were hoping for full. Perhaps you were made to move out of the marital home and your suburban spread has been replaced with a run down apartment. You may feel like your current situation is not fair, that you are being made to pay for situations beyond your control. And you may be right. Divorce isn’t about fair. It’s about getting through and moving forward. And that begins with accepting where you are.

Completion of Legal Matters

Divorce may be more than a piece of paper, but the acquisition of that paper sure can be a drawn-out and expensive process. And it’s difficult (if not impossible) to feel like the divorce is over while you’re still producing documents and cutting checks to lawyers. I have such empathy for those involved (either by circumstance or state law) in a year+ process (although I didn’t always feel that way). It’s difficult living in that limbo of separation where you’re neither married nor divorced.

Construction of Framework for New Life

It’s difficult to feel a sense of completion when the old chapter may be finished but the next is still a dark void. It’s much easier to feel like the divorce is fully behind you when you have at least the basics for the next steps in your life sketched out. You don’t have to know everything about the life you want to create post-divorce as much will unfold over time, but aim for some insight. Put the energy into laying out the framework for your new life; scaffolding makes moving forward more manageable.

Tempering of Bitterness

Are you still holding on to anger towards your ex or carrying a sense of derision for relationships in general? Even if you aren’t ready to date again (or even ever want to date again), this negativity makes it difficult to put the divorce behind you. Sometimes the residual acrid emotions are our attempt to avoid facing the sadness and loss hidden beneath. Other times, the anger is our shield because we are afraid of being seen as vulnerable and weak. Much of the time anger is simply pain screaming to be heard. So listen and answer.

Easing of Fear

Much like anger, fear can serve as a tether, holding you to your divorce. It’s scary facing the world alone when you’re used to having your spouse by your side. It’s terrifying to start over when you don’t even trust that you can stand. It’s daunting to think about dating again and starting a new relationship from scratch. And it may be even scarier to imagine being alone forever. The only way to lessen fear is to face it. Once you conquer those first few “I can’ts,” you’re confidence will build until you know you can.

Restoration of Balance

There is nothing balanced about life while you’re going through a divorce. Your emotions are running the show and are frequently as well behaved as a toddler on a sugar crash. You may be eating too much or too little or just too much of the wrong stuff. Perhaps you’ve become adept at avoiding reality through alcohol or distractions. Part of regaining your life after divorce is establishing healthy habits and a balanced environment. Re-evaluate what occupies your life and remove what no longer serves you.

Ultimately, your divorce is over when you see it as something that is a part of your story, your past. It no longer defines you or limits you. It speaks of where you’ve been, not where you are going. It’s an ending, yes. But one that allows a new beginning.

Related: Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror

21 Ways to Boost Your Confidence After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
confidence divorce

Divorce has a way of making even the most self-assured suddenly become full of uncertainty. It makes us question our worth at the same time we are thrust back into the single world, only this time older, heavier, saggier and balder than before. And if you were traded in by your spouse for a younger, skinnier, smarter or wealthier partner?

Yeah.

Regardless of the nature of the split, your confidence is likely sagging after the end of the marriage. Here are some small and large ways you can rebuild your confidence as you work to rebuild your life:

1) Sign up for something with a finish line – This can be a race. A degree program. Anything that has a line to cross and a process to get there. I promise you’ll be smiling when you’ve reached the end.

2) Write and post an achievement list – This is a time to brag on yourself to yourself. Create a list of all that you have accomplished in your life. Post it where you will see it every day. Let it bring perspective that your current situation is only temporary.

3) Invest in an item that makes you feel attractive – I bought one dress that I wore on almost every first date I went on. It made me feel beautiful at a time when nothing else could. Find that one item that makes you feel good and wear the hell out of it. Careful here, notice I said one item. Don’t blow your budget in a quest for confidence.

4) Create a list of goals and track your progress – My goal post lived above my computer for the first year. Every time I felt unsure, I would look to see what I had accomplished and what I still wanted to do. It was motivation and recognition rolled into one.

5) Change your password to an affirmation – In our modern life, we enter passwords all day long. Why not make that password work for you? How would you feel if you typed, “BetterEveryDay” or “IW1llSurv1Ve” several times a day?

6) Flirt and be flirted with – You don’t have to be ready to date to meet someone’s eye and exchange some flirty banter. It feels good to be reaffirmed of your desirability. Go for it.

7) Write the timeline of your divorce and recognize your progress – Often we feel discouraged because we are so focused on the here-and-now that we don’t realize how far we have come. See it. Celebrate your progress.

8) Surround yourself with quotes and pictures that lift you up – Put them on your walls. Your computer. Your phone. Your car. Your jewelry. Let every surface whisper to you.

9) Take a break – Sometimes you just need to step away from it all for a few hours or even a few days. If you can, go on a solo trip. It’s exciting and empowering.

10) Put down the self-help and pick up some fiction – The divorce books have their place, but if you’re needing confidence, trade it in for some great stories about strong protagonists facing and overcoming challenges. The courage is contagious.

 

Continue to read the rest.

 

 

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6 Letters to Write After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
letters divorce

Some people get a “good” break-up. They get transparency, conversation, empathy and some form of closure.

But the rest of us?

We get abandonment, betrayal, deceptions and any hope of a conclusion has to come without the cooperation of the other party. Or perhaps our ex is present but insists on shifting the blame and responding in anger, instead of telling you what you need to move on. And even if you had a “good” divorce, there still may be things left unsaid that are holding you back.

I spent many months thinking I needed something from him – an explanation, an apology, even an argument would have been preferable to radio silence.

Eventually, I tired of waiting on him. So I took matters into my own hands, picked up a pen and held the conversation myself.

Over the next several months, I wrote six letters – three to him, two to me and one “from” him. I never sent any of them, although I have published a few in an edited form. The letters were never about him. They were about allowing me the conversation, the explanation and the apology I never received. And even though the words all came from within, the release was as real as I could get without him taking part in the dialog.

Writing these letters may feel strange; they’re more about feeling and less about thinking. Writing these letters may be painful; they force you to address issues you’d probably rather politely decline. And writing these letters is freeing; when you write it, you can change the narrative in your mind and create your happy ending.

From: Present Self
To: Self Before Break-Up

Purpose: This letter’s purpose is multifold – it helps to alleviate any guilt you may feel at how things ended, it allows you to explore any lessons found in the past and it acts a cheerleader to help keep you going through the dark days post divorce. If you are six months or more post break-up, you can also write a letter to your self that was in the early days after the end of the relationship; it helps to s=build compassion for yourself and illustrates how far you’ve come.

 

From: Present Self
To: Ex

Purpose: Of all of the letters, this is probably the most frequently written. I know for me, they (yes, there was more than one!) practically demanded to be typed out, fingers slamming the keyboard in anger. This is the letter where you say all of the things you wish you could/had to your ex with no concern of repercussion. Don’t censor yourself; write what comes. This is not a letter meant to be shared, rather it is a good candidate for the purification of fire.

From: Present Self
To: Ex

Purpose: This one’s a doozy; it requires that you flip all of your current thoughts on their head. You’re addressing your ex again, but this time in gratitude rather than in anger. I call this radical gratitude, where you express your appreciation for the person and situation that hurt you the most. Unlike the previous letter, this one actually benefits from seeing the light of day – not by being sent, but by being posted in an area where you can be reminded each day of the gifts hidden beneath.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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Roadmap to Healing After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

healing map linear

 

healing map nonlinear

 

A. Your world collapses. You do do too. You feel like you’re coming undone at the seams and ever being okay again seems impossible.

B. Little by little, you start to make some improvement despite yourself. Maybe you go a few hours without crying. Perhaps you sign up for a class or start to exercise in an attempt to regain some control and to better yourself.

C. All of sudden, you feel invincible. Giddy, even. You feel as though you lost the dead weight and now you can fly. Maybe you feel a spark with someone and it ignites something within you. Perhaps you’ve conquered the legal divorce and it’s given you confidence.

D. This fall feels even worse than the first. It makes you question if you will ever really be better. If your spark is extinguished, you may find the secondary pain even worse than the initial trauma. This plummet may come when the honeymoon period after divorce expires. Regardless of when it hits, it feels hopeless.

E. You plateau for a time. The baby steps forward are so small, you don’t even notice that you’re starting to make incremental progress. This is when you’re building your roots; the progress may not show on the surface, but you’re doing the deep work that allows future growth.

F. You start to climb again. This one feels different than before. Where the first improvement was spurred by outside forces,  this one comes from within. It’s not an express lane to the top, but you sense traction on this climb. It may be slow, but it’s steady.

G. This is often the frustrating period. You’re making progress within the big picture, but the periodic slides backward keep you distracted from your gains. This is where the traps lie. And you have to disarm them to escape them.

H. Healing reaches a critical mass and begins to happen faster. Good days accrue into good weeks and even great months. You gain perspective, looking back and seeing where you have been. You’re surprised to realize that you’re even better than before.

The struggle has made you strong. The suffering has made you grateful. The journey has made you wise. And the fall has made you humble.

 

photo-64

 

Here’s my timeline from healing after divorce. Caution: results may vary:)