Is Living After An Unwanted Divorce Worth It?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
unwanted divorce

“Is living after an unwanted divorce worth it?”

That particular search string has been leading people to my blog these past few weeks.

And every time I see it, I feel a pull to reach out to them and a twinge because I cannot.

But if I could somehow identify the struggling soul on the other side of the keyboard, this is what I would say:

Yes! 100%, unequivocably yes! Living after an unwanted divorce is absolutely worth it.

Now, I know you don’t feel that right now and I know you can’t see how, so please just try to keep an open mind right now and let those who have been through it strengthen your faith in your future.

I know you know the pain. The void. The never-ending loss of lives ripped apart.

So I’m not going to go there. You need no guide to the suffering.

Instead, I’m going to start at the beginning.

Because divorce is the end of one life

but the beginning of another.

Trying to compare where you are right now with where you were before the divorce is like trying to equate a lot cleared for a house with a personalized and well lived-in home.

They’re not the same thing.

And here’s the hard part, the part that took me some time to accept –

One is no better or worse than the other. Just different. And this one feels worse because it is new and foreign and unwanted.

It starts with accepting that you’re at a beginning. A blank slate, albeit a tear-stained one.

Your divorce was unwanted. Perhaps you had no say.

Now you do. You may be starting with nothing. From nothing.

But you’re still starting.

You may feel as though your ex has taken everything from you. So, get angry. And use that anger to fuel your conviction that you will not allow your ex to take away your future as well.

That’s your energy pushing you forward.

Now find something to pull you as well.

What do you have to live for? Who do you have to live for?

It’s there. It may be hidden under the cloak of the divorce, but it’s there.

Latch on.

I know the empty wasteland is overwhelming. So don’t look at it in its entirety. Instead, build a picture of what you want your life to look like. No, not what it was. I know that trick. But what you really, really want. Because every marriage, every life, no matter how good we thought it was left some desires unfed. There’s no reason to suppress them now.

Let that image of your desired life be your beacon.

While you simply focus on your next step.

And your next breath.

———-

I can still vividly recall the devastation and utter hopelessness I felt after my ex left me with no warning and no opportunity for discussion. I remember the hollowing, the agony, the blinding fear.

I recollect wondering if life after would be worth it. If I would ever be happy again.

And those feelings now are as far away as joy was then.

Because not only is life after an unwanted divorce worth living, it can be even better.

Accept where you’re beginning.

Summon your motivation.

See where you want to go.

And take one step. And then another.

You are worth it.

———-

I am generally a very independent and headstrong person. In the first few days, I refused any professional intervention. By week two, I learned that I could not do it alone and sought medical and psychiatric assistance. And I could not have done it without them.

If you are experiencing a persistent feeling of hopelessness or prolonged changed in eating or sleeping, please seek help. Remember, you’re at the end of one life and the beginning of another. And we ALL need help at the beginning and end of life.

How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
move on

Some milestones in divorce are clear – the day the decree is final, the day you establish your own home and the day you go on your first date.

But the most important milestone? The one that anyone who has ever been through divorce eagerly awaits?

That one is more subtle.

So how do you know when you have moved on after your divorce?

The Memories Lack Emotional Punch

When I first used to share with others that I had been left by my partner of sixteen years, I felt as though I had come down with some super-bug. My limbs would shake, my temperature would rise and I felt as though my stomach was trying to run away (perhaps to catch my runaway husband).

Over time, these physical symptoms dissipated – the stomach would twinge rather than threaten to expel its contents, the shaking was reduced to a slight tremble in the hands and the internal thermostat was regulated.

And then one day, when I had to tell my story, I realized I had no physical – and no emotional – reaction. It just was. The events had become fact. Not feeling.

When you can remember bits of your past and share your story without feeling like you’ve been punched in the gut, it’s a sign you’ve moved on.

Memories Do Not Have to Equal Suffering

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The Divorce Is Not Used As An Excuse

“I can’t afford that.” “I’m not ready for a relationship.” “I’m afraid to open up and be hurt again.”

I said it all.

And as long as I said it (and acted upon it), I was allowing the divorce to hold me back. Decide what I could and couldn’t do.

And that was a clear sign that I hadn’t moved on.

And now?

Yeah, it’s not always easy.

So what?

I’ll be damned if I let it hold me back.

When you can accept that the divorce may have set your floor but that it doesn’t dictate your ceiling, it’s a sign that you’ve moved on.

18 Steps to Financial Independence During and After Divorce

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You Can Appreciate the Good In the Marriage

In the beginning, I could not accept any good in my former marriage or my former husband. I had to make it all-bad so that I could make it all-okay. Because when an unwanted divorce arrives on your doorstep, the best way to accept it is to pretend that you wanted it.

In time, good memories starting sneaking in through the cracks in my hastily-built wall. I remembered the goofy, gangly kid that I fell in love with, the unsure but determined young man that accepted a move across the country and a chance at a real career and the confident (seeming, at least) guy that accepted accolades in his work. The moments we shared started to bubble up to the surface and with them, smiles.

The beginning and the middle became separate from the end. And I grew to appreciate what was good without either overanalyzing it looking for cracks or following the tracks to its demise.

When you can treasure what was good in your marriage without dwelling on why it is gone, it is a sign that you have moved on.

Finding Happiness After an Unwanted Divorce

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Continue to read the rest.

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What to Expect In Your Teenager When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b
teenager

I had someone ask me earlier if I had any resources on kids during divorce. My first reaction was to say that, although I’m a child of divorce, I don’t really have any experience as the adult in that situation.

But then I asked what grade the kid in question was in.

And once I received the answer of 8th, I realized that I do have some insight. Even though they’re not my kids and it’s not my divorce impacting them, I have 15 years of witnessing the ways that teenagers deal with their parents’ divorce.

It is so difficult to tease out any acting out caused by the divorce from normal teenage behaviors. Well, as normal as they can be when their prefrontal cortex is not completely formed.

Teenagers are not in their right minds. Literally.

But I do see patterns of behavior that often signal that a divorce has occurred or is in process. Many of these patterns are more common in one gender than the other, although the gender lines are by no means firm. In some ways, divorce can amplify the normal teenage behaviors and other times it completely alters them.

The behaviors are usually the most extreme when the parents are in the middle of the legal process (especially if the kid is being used as bait) but can also appear well after a divorce that occurred in elementary, where the child seemed fine at the time. They can be brief and mild or longer lasting and more severe.

Here are the top behaviors I see in teenagers having trouble trying to process divorce:

The boys are…

Oppositional

The boys can get angry. Very angry. Sometimes it’s directed at a particular person (especially if they see one parent as being at fault), but often it is scattered and nondiscriminatory. They get into fights. They challenge authority at school. Often, when I am able to get them to open up, they are feeling pressure to be the “man of the house” and are trying to toughen up before their time.

These kids need a safe outlet for their anger (martial arts comes to mind), a safe place to be vulnerable, consequences for their misbehavior and reassurance that they are still kids and not responsible for the household.

Withdrawal

Instead of acting out, some boys draw in. Their hair becomes longer and rarely washed. They seem to curl inside themselves at their desks. Their schoolwork suffers as they fail to complete and turn in assignments. Some turn to cutting or other self-harming behaviors. Many turn to video games as an escape. Sometimes I learn of a diagnosis of depression.

These kids need patience, persistence and intervention. If you’re at all concerned about their mental health, seek help sooner rather than later. And try to engage them in life outside the screen.

Using

I can usually tell which of my students drink or use drugs on a regular basis. And many of those are boys with divorcing parents. Some see it as an escape. Some take advantage of a distracted single parent. Some are trying on adulthood. And some are just lost.

These kids need tough love. And soon. Don’t try to handle this one alone. Call on the professionals, for you and your kid.

The girls are…

Perfectionists

These are the ones that often slip under the radar. They’re pleasant. They perform well in school. You may think you have lucked into the perfect teenager, even after going through the breakup of a family. Yet under the guide of perfection is an overwhelming anxiety; some of these girls are trying to do it all out of a fear that they must be perfect to be lovable and accepted. And at some point, they will burn out.

These kids need consistency, reassurance and a way to build confidence (martial arts comes to mind here as well). Encourage play and discourage excessive time on schoolwork. Refrain from associating value with performance.

Mean

The anger in the girls usually presents differently than the boys. They are more covert. Manipulative, perhaps out of a desire to try to exert control when they feel they have none. Their anger is more pointed, either at classmates or at a parent (or often at a new boyfriend or girlfriend of a parent). They develop this “nobody else will ever hurt me” armor and they attack with their words and actions.

These kids need boundaries and they need to face the natural consequences when they’re crossed. The key to softening the armor is usually a relationship with a trusted, non-parent adult – a teacher, a family member, a counselor, who can help them face the pain under the anger.

Acting Out Sexually

Most teenage girls are boy (or girl) -crazy. But most are doing more talking than anything else. For girls going through a family divorce, especially when the father is absent, some start dating older boys and acting on that talk. They want to know they are pretty, special and desired. And they’ll take it any way they can get it. Some of these girls feel abandoned. Others neglected. And some just feel ignored.

These kids need structure to limit their unsupervised access to technology and a watchful eye on their interactions. They also need attention, so strive to provide the attention in positive areas. Most of all, they need love. They are still kids regardless of what behaviors they’re engaged in.

And all teenagers of divorce are…

All of the kids I see with divorce in their story are working through trust issues; they’re often slow to establish bonds. Most look for attention, some by being the “teacher’s pet” and others by being the “class clown.” They’re often a little more on the extremes of the “needy” to “leave-me-alone” curve.

And they’re teenagers. 100-pound hormonal two-year-olds, as I affectionately call them. They’re still learning who they are, how the world works and figuring out their place in it.

Love on them even when they’re irritable. Uphold the rules no matter how many times they’re broken. Give them support when they need it and let them struggle when they don’t. And see them as they are and help them see who they will become.

And be thankful that they’re not teenagers forever.

If I Had Known This One Thing, I Would Have Divorced Differently

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first hired my attorney, I was pursuing a divorce through publication (not that I even knew what that was until I was left with a text message and a husband that then disappeared). At that time, mere days after the tsunami, I had no idea what happened and no evidence other than the empty accounts and maxed-out credit. My only option at that juncture was to seek a “no fault” divorce.

And then I found the email. And discovered the affair. And the bigamy.

I learned where he was and contacted the police to report the dual marriage.

Even though that first email, which indicated that band hired for his wedding had not yet been paid, sent me through a dark tortuous path that seemed to birth more questions than answers, I not regret the search for information. The drive for information was too strong. The need for some sort of understanding was too overwhelming to simply walk away.

I contacted my attorney with the updated information.

And that’s when I made my mistake.

In Georgia, you have two options when it comes to divorce – fault or no fault. In order to file a fault divorce, there has to be some concrete evidence that one person’s actions directly led to the divorce.

And with the copy of his second marriage license in hand, I had that proof.

So when my attorney asked me if I wanted to continue with a no fault divorce or if I wanted to alter my approach, I responded immediately that I wanted to change course.

But I didn’t really understand what that meant.

Here’s what I thought at the time –

No fault makes it sound as though we simply grew apart. As though the divorce was a mutual decision made over time and with both party’s well-being in mind.

No fault excuses him of his (criminal and otherwise) actions and makes me (since I was the one filing) look like the one responsible.

No fault made me physically ill. It made me feel like he could spit on me, ground my heart and my finances into dust, abandon his family and responsibilities and that I publicly acknowledging that all of those things just happened.

That they weren’t really his fault.

And at a time when what I wanted more than anything was for him to acknowledge the destruction and pain he caused, a public absolution (as I saw no fault indicating), caused the smouldering anger to flare.

I believed that the word “fault” directed at the defendant on the top of the pages would alert the judge that he or she was dealing with somebody unscrupulous.

I thought that placing him at fault would earn me the favor of the courts and positively influence any rulings in my direction.

And I hoped that having the finger-pointing at him would make my then-husband feel guilty for what he done. And maybe even prompt him to apologize.

And here is what I learned –

The. Courts. Don’t. Care.

About the reasons for the divorce. About infidelity. About blindsiding. About abandonment. About financial betrayal.

They don’t care.

My attorney was more than happy to switch gears to a fault divorce. Because proving fault takes time.

And therefore money.

And I’m not even sure the judge noticed the fact that there wasn’t a “no” before fault on the paperwork submitted to her that day. She proceeded as though my almost-ex was a rational and rule-following man as she divvied up responsibilities.

I didn’t receive any favors for not being the at-fault party and I certainly didn’t receive any empathy.

And I didn’t feel validated in the slightest my the fact that the records showed that my ex was at fault.

Because he never accepted responsibility.

And that was what I really wanted.

Something that the courts could never provide.

In the end, removing those two letters – n o – from my suit for dissolution of marriage cost me added months of stress and thousands of dollars.

And brought me nothing.

A note about the legal process – I am by no means an expert in the legal proceedings of divorce. In my state and in my situation, the difference between fault and no fault was negligible. This is not always the case. Make sure you take the time to fully research the path you’re taking. And don’t make assumptions that legal terms have anything to do with the real world.

It is so incredibly difficult to separate the emotional separation from the legal, especially when you have not been preparing for divorce. And even though from my current standpoint, I say that I wish I had not filed a fault divorce, I can’t promise that I would have listened to that advice at the time.

Make the best decisions that you can. And then forgive yourself for any mistakes.

Divorce is one of things that you don’t really understand until you’ve been through it. And I don’t think anyone wants to practice it enough to get better at it.

What Makes a Marriage Successful? (And Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage successful

What REALLY makes a marriage successful? I’ve always found it funny/sad how we classify marital success purely by its duration. I mean, imagine if we applied this same metric to other areas of our lives –

She was a really great student – she was in school for fifty years!

He was an amazing dog, but he was a failure as a pet because he died before he turned ten.

It was a wonderful dinner. The service was so slow that the meal lasted for hours!

I’m afraid I have to give the book only one star because it ended.

Pretty crazy, huh?

So why do we then so easily apply this faulty logic to marriages? Classifying them as failures if they end and successes if they persist?

I think we all have seen (either from within or from the outside looking in), marriages that go the duration yet are filled with contempt, isolation and misery.

And we have all witnessed relationships that were once strong and fulfilling come to a premature end as the individuals or the circumstances changed.

Yet in our cultural lexicon, the first couple is heralded as a success (and sometimes even asked for their marital wisdom) while the latter is written off as a failure.

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Perhaps it’s time to reevaluate what makes a successful marriage.

Because it is certainly both more complex and more challenging than simply managing to hold on to one another for a lifetime of journeys around the sun.

In a successful marriage,

You both play for the same team. You know that there will be disagreements about how things should be done. But rather than view your spouse as your opponent in these arguments, you see him or her as your ally in life.

The good interactions outweigh the bad. There will be rolled eyes and hurt feelings. And they will be smothered by hugs and positive words.

You share common goals and values. Even when you take different paths to get there.

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Support is given freely and challenges are presented. You don’t seek to change your partner; you want to enhance the best parts of your partner.

A growth mindset is present. Both for the marriage and for the individuals that comprise the union. Each person learns and grows in response to struggle and success.

Mistakes are perceived as opportunities. And the actions are condemned. Not the person.

There is a balance of independence and interdependence.

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The difficult conversations happen. And problems are perceived as a challenge to overcome together.

Each person takes responsibility for his or her own stuff. And each person is willing to carry more than his or her share when the situation demands. Because there will be days when the commitment to the marriage is greater than your commitment to your spouse.

A legacy is left, either by the children born from the union or the others inspired or influenced by the couple. A successful marriage is greater than itself.

And here’s the hard part –

A successful marriage accepts when it is no longer successful. It is willing to make the agonizing decision to pull the plug rather than condemning both people to live in the diminished world of a marriage on life support.

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Now it is true that no good marriages end in divorce.

But it is also true that the marriage that ended may not be the same marriage that existed for some time before.

It’s not just about the number of years.

It’s more about what you do with those years.

And if that marriage brought a smile to your face and eased your burden,

If that marriage challenged you to learn and grow,

If that marriage taught you what it was like to share a common dream and common goals,

If that marriage opened your heart and made you feel seen and understood,

If that marriage made an impact on others,

If that marriage pushed you and tested you,

If that marriage made you realize that nobody else can make you happy,

If that marriage taught you what you don’t want,

If that marriage inspired you to never again allow anyone else to reduce your worth,

If that marriage taught you how strong you are,

Then that marriage was successful.

No matter how long it lasted.

Or how it ended.

Take the lessons and move on.

Because the only failed marriage is one that you refuse to learn from.

Related:

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

10 Contradictory Qualities of a Good Marriage