The Three Stages of Utilizing Anger After Relationship Trauma

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Anger is a natural reaction to relationship trauma. You feel angry that your needs were ignored and your boundaries crossed. You’re enraged that your voice was silenced and that you were not allowed to have input on what happened. The unfairness sparks fury as they seem unaffected and you’re struggling to survive.

This anger has an energy to it; it powers your thoughts and often your actions. Yet, it is not a static fuel and its nature changes as you begin to heal. These are the stages of how anger is utilized in the healing process after divorce, infidelity or other relationship trauma:

 

I’ll Show Them How Hurt I Am

This first stage is automatic and can be quite overwhelming, even leading to irrational behaviors. Pain demands to be heard, to be acknowledged. And anger is simply pain screaming to be heard.

We recite the wrongs done to us obsessively, meticulously enumerating all of the wounds in the goriest detail. This list becomes the soundtrack we live by, each retelling solidifying our role as the wronged one.

Sometimes we lash out in an attempt to inflict comparable pain upon them. This may bring a brief moment of satisfaction. But it is always short-lived as it never seems to encapsulate the sheer magnitude of the pain. And then it’s compounded by the fact that it never feels good to hurt someone else, even those that have caused us pain.

We may even unconsciously sabotage our chances at getting better, seeing our own healing as a sign that they have “won.” It becomes a pissing contest of pain, stubbornly holding onto and displaying the myriad of grievances.

 

I’ll Show Them What They Lost

In the second stage, the attention is still focused on the person that caused the pain, but the energy is directed to making them sorry instead of making them hurt.

This is the phase where people are motivated to make changes in an attempt to be perceived differently by the person that hurt them. These are often in direct correlation to any insults delivered by the injuring party.

For example, those that have been called “fat” by their spouses often dive head-first into an exercise program after divorce. If the affair partner was well-educated and the person who was cheated on always felt embarrassed about their education, they may start a new degree program.

This is an interesting phase because the outcomes can be quite beneficial even while the motivation behind them is still anchored in the past. Often these external changes contribute to a greater sense of self and confidence in our abilities. Which taken together, allow us to enter the final stage of utilizing anger.

 

I’ll Show Myself What I’m Capable Of

From the outside, this can look identical to the previous phase. There is a commitment to bettering yourself and courageous steps taken outside the comfort zone.

But inside? It’s quite different. Because now the motivation has nothing to do with the person that hurt you. Now, you realize that you are the one that has been holding yourself back. And now, you are ready to get out of your own way and see what you can do. Not to show them, but to show you.

10 Things I Don’t Trust After Being Cheated On … And 10 Things I Trust More

Posted on by stilllearning2b

10 Things I Don’t Trust After Being Cheated On

1 – I don’t trust people that are overly affectionate or complimentary; I assume there is a motive to their flattery.

2 – I don’t trust it when people are too eager to proclaim that they would “never hurt me” and that they “are not the type of person” to do that. I especially don’t trust it when they use the words, “Trust me.”

3 – I don’t trust that permitted and known access to a person’s technology, friends, etc. means that there is nothing to hide.

4 – I don’t trust people that demonstrate a lack of courage (note: that is profoundly different than a lack of fear.) They hide rather than face.

5- I don’t trust in the security of “affair-proof;” no relationship is immune under the right conditions.

6 – I don’t trust stories when too many details are provided without prompting.

7 – I don’t trust things that seem too good to be true.

8 – I don’t trust it when people say they’re okay.

9 – I don’t trust words that are not consistently supported by actions.

10 – I don’t trust people who won’t admit to mistakes; they too-easily rely on lies to hide their failures.

 

10 Things I Trust MORE After Being Cheated On

 

1 – I trust my gut. So far, it hasn’t lied.

2 – I trust that there are good people in the world. People that value honesty and loyalty.

3 – I trust in people that admit their shame. Those grow in the dark and whither once exposed.

4 – I trust in my strength to handle more than I thought I was capable of.

5 – I trust in the power of starting over.

6 – I trust those that reveal their fears and then refuse to be limited by them.

7 – I trust that I am not reliant upon anyone else to make me happy.

8 – I trust in the potency of gratitude to shift the way I look at things.

9 – I trust in my worth and that it is by no means defined by how others have chosen to treat me.

10 – I trust myself enough to be open to the potential of being hurt again.

 

After Divorce: Surviving Valentine’s Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The post-divorce calendar is a potential minefield of emotional artillery, ready to blow at the slightest trigger. Some of these days surprise up with their sudden intensity and hidden significance. While others, like the over-hyped and expectation-laced Valentine’s Day, announce their imminent arrival long before the fact. And that notice gives us time to prepare.

images (2)

 

1 – Change Your Mindset

We have been conditioned to believe that when February 14throlls around, it is desirable to be in a relationship and somehow unacceptable to be single.  As though every partnered person will have a good day based solely upon their relationship status and every single person is assured a bad day simply because they’re unaccompanied.

That’s rubbish.

I’ll bet you have had some horrible Valentine’s Days while in a relationship (Can you say “expectations”?) and some wonderful ones without a love interest.

The single most important thing you need to ensure a good Valentine’s Day is not a lover. It’s the decision to have a good day.

 

2 – Prune Your Newsfeed

Be proactive. If you’re feeling particularly sensitive to the overly saccharine messages being force fed to you by advertisers, strive to avoid them. Use DVR to bypass commercials trying to sell ugly charm bracelets. Use sticky notes to cover the advertisements for chocolate-covered strawberries and pink pajama sets that seem to make themselves permanently at home on the side of your computer screen.

Avoid the seasonal areas of retail stores and act quickly to change the station to avoid radio advertisements. Use Facebook and other social media with care. And for goodness sake, stay out of the floral department at the grocery store. You just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

 

Snip20200202_5

 

3 – Summon Some Snark

Tamp down your tears and season your bitterness with some good-natured sarcasm. Try to find the funniest Valentine’s meme over your morning coffee. If you can’t (or decide not to) avoid the advertisements, get a giggle out of how silly (and fleeting) many of them are.

Think of the empty calories in the chocolates, the thorns on the roses and the nickel beneath the gold-plating.

Remember here that your goal is to dampen your pain, not extend it to others. It’s best to keep your snark subtle or to share with others in the same single boat.

 

4 – Give of Yourself 

Volunteering is often associated with the big holidays, but why not make it a part of your Valentine’s Day? Visit an assisted living facility and while you provide attention, gain perspective by listening to stories of love won and lost throughout lifetimes. Help organize or distribute supplies in a food bank and remember what we really need to get through the day. Bring some old-school Valentine’s cards to the hospital and deliver them with a smile.

If all that is too much for you, consider something more physical and less social or emotional. Help a local park by collecting garbage collected on the trail. Offer to shovel an elderly neighbor’s driveway.

The particular action matters less than the motivation. When we give, it takes us outside of ourselves and reminds us that, even though we may be single, we still matter.

 

Snip20200202_4

 

5 – Give Yourself a Valentine

You can make it literal if you want, but I’m more concerned about the spirit of the thing. A Valentine’s gift is a tangible sign of love. So give yourself something that makes you feel loved and honored.

Maybe you feel the most alive when you’re alone in the woods. Or surrounded by people at your favorite sports bar. Or when you allow yourself that indulgent purchase.

You know the best part about selecting your own Valentine’s gift? You always get exactly what you want.

So that’s it – decide to have a good day, limit your exposure to messages that bring you down, maintain your sense of humor, give back and show yourself some love.

 

And if all that fails?

Remember that tomorrow is the 15th!

 

Snip20200202_3

Post Traumatic Growth

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of my husband’s “ah-ha” moments came in his early adulthood when he caught a snippet of an Oprah show. The guests that day were two brothers who had endured horrific abuse during their childhoods. One became the epitome of success, applying discipline and intentional effort to all areas of his life, which resulted in a fulfilling career and marriage. The other turned to drugs and crime to fuel his addictions. By all measures, his life was tragic and wasted.

Oprah asked each brother in turn, “Why did you make the decisions that you did?”

Both brothers answered the same, “I had no choice.”

But that’s not really true, is it? They had no choice, no agency, when it came to the abuse they suffered. The damage caused was real and significant for both of the men. Yet as they left childhood and began to make their own lives, they did have a choice –

They could allow what happened to become a limitation, using the damage as an excuse to whither and self-destruct.

Or, they could choose to view the traumatic childhood as a trial, a training ground to learn how to avoid falling into those same unhealthy patterns and instead, grow from the experience.

I highly doubt that even the successful brother looks back upon his childhood with fondness. I suspect that even while he attributes some of his fortitude and wisdom to the abuse he suffered, he still would not excuse the actions of his parents or wish the same on others. However, he probably understands that good things can come from bad situations and that, while he was helpless as a child, he is not helpless now.

I think sometimes we conflate growing from trauma with excusing the trauma. As though by finding positive change we are discounting the impact of whatever happened to us. It can be challenging to hold both things true at once – it was horrible and yet it also provides opportunity for growth – yet that is so often the case. Using trauma as a springboard for positive change doesn’t mean the actions that hurt you are okay; it means that you are determined to be okay despite the actions.

Nobody would ever choose trauma as a mechanism for growth. We all would prefer to learn to swim under the patient and kind tutelage of a coach, yet sometimes the tsunami forces us to learn before we are ready. We can allow ourselves to go under, cursing the relentless wave, or we can use it an opportunity to learn how to paddle like hell in order to keep our heads above water.

You DO have a choice.

You cannot change what happened.

But you can change how you view it.

Is it going to drown you or train you?

 

7 Signs That You’re Healing From Divorce or Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be surprisingly difficult to determine when you’re beginning to heal from relationship trauma. There’s no finish line to mark the end of a journey, no certificate to announce that you’ve completed the graduation requirements and no neat summary to tie up all the loose ends before you close the book on that chapter of your life.

So how can you tell that you’re moving on from divorce or infidelity?

 

1 – Your Reactivity Decreases

After even a casual mention of my ex, I could feel my scalp begin to burn as my blood pressure climbed to address the perceived threat. If a movie or book touched on the topic of cheating, I became a passionate objector, unable to separate the character’s actions from my own experience. Online, if anybody posed a challenging question to me about my former relationship or my recovery, I had to engage until I felt understood (spoiler alert – no amount of engagement can guarantee this response).

Now? It’s completely different. I can discuss even the most painful aspects of my first marriage and its demise without raising any alarm bells on a heart rate monitor. I can view other’s actions that paralleled my ex’s with curiosity and a calm disapproval. And I am able to distance myself from the responses of others, able to see their origin more clearly.

Consider the healing process from a physical wound. At first, the site is incredibly tender, prompting a flinch from even the slightest touch. You become hyperaware of the need to protect it and often overreact if somebody gets too close. As it heals and the skin knits over the exposed and tender nerves, you no longer react the same way. In fact, you get to point where you no longer notice someone inadvertently brushing up against the previously damaged skin.

Emotional recovery follows a similar path. At first, you’re in a heightened state. And from that stance, everything has to be evaluated as a legitimate threat. Over time and with enough benign experiences, you become more adept at sifting out the real threats from the ones that simply appear dangerous.

 

2 – You Are Able to Appreciate Nuance Without Feeling Threatened

He was bad and I was good.

He was deceptive and I was honest.

He was the perpetrator and I was the victim.

It all seemed so clear, so black and white. And I outright rejected any thoughts or outside suggestions that didn’t fit cleanly into this worldview. This mindset was born of self-protection, as I secretly ran tapes through my mind with both his words tearing me apart and my own thoughts turning against me. I needed to paint myself as the “good” one in a desperate attempt to repair the gaping hole left from the rejection.

In time, I noticed that I was starting to see shades of gray. Yes, his actions were still despicable and inexcusable, yet I began to consider what might have prompted that response. Yes, I never lied to him in the marriage, but I was starting to realize that I had lied to myself. And as these realizations began to arise, I started to understand that the nuance, instead of being a threat to my self-image, actually was a place that brought peace as it felt like truth.

It takes courage to embrace the nuance of life. We find comfort in applying clearly defined labels because then we know where we stand. Yet there is often an underlying discomfort with this simplistic view because at its core, we know that it is false. In contrast, the gray area, although uncomfortable at times, feels like living with your eyes open and your confidence in your self intact.

 

3 – Your Obsessions and Compulsions Fade

I replayed the moment I read the text that ended my marriage over and over again as though I could change the outcome. At my home-for-the-year, I refreshed my computer screen hundreds of time an hour looking for that email or update on his other wife’s blog that would provide the answers I was so desperately searching for. My runs became a compulsion, the miles adding up even as my body began to protest the rapid scale-up in training. Even once I started dating, there was an obsessive energy to it as I responded rapid-fire to most every message.

The period after divorce or infidelity is often like the rapids that form when two bodies of water crash into each other. Only in this case, it’s the anxiety of unwanted change colliding with the overwhelming need to do something. And as you move further away from the trauma, the intensity of these feelings begin to fade and you no longer feel driven to think or act along those lines.

 

4 – Your Sleep Improves

I sat up abruptly, afraid that I was going to vomit. I wasn’t sick. Instead, it was another dream about my ex. I felt violated. Hadn’t he hurt me enough? Why did he have to steal my sleep too?

In the beginning, sleep is often elusive as the mind refuses to relax. Even once you manage to go down, your mind is often invaded with unwanted dreams and nightmares. The nights become an adversary, something you have to steal yourself to meet every single day.

And then one morning, you finally feel rested. Eventually, you’re able to string multiple mornings together where you realize your sleep was uninterrupted my the memories of the trauma.

 

5 – You Have Increased and More Sustained Energy

In some ways, healing from relationship trauma reminded me of the time I had mono. My body felt heavy, leaden. I had to deliberately summon effort and motivation for every movement, every decision. I was exhausted. It turns out that rebuilding a heart and a life at the same time is hard work.

As you begin to heal, more and more energy reserves become available for other endeavors. I like to equate it to the body’s response to extreme cold. It pulls the blood away from the extremities and towards the critical organs. A sure sign of warming up is pink fingers as the blood is released again to its normal pathways. Likewise, a return of energy is a sign that the critical healing phase has passed and that it is now safe to allow that energy to flow elsewhere.

 

6 – You Are Able to Broaden Your Focus

For a time, my identity was the abandoned one. That single event became the lynchpin of my very existence. It was both the most important thing about me and also the thing that I was most powerless against.

And then over time, I added new facets to my identity. I finished a race and began to call myself a runner. I published a book and added the moniker “writer.” As I continued to live in the face of betrayal and abandonment, I realized I was a survivor. As I began to look around, I realized that there was a whole world out there separate from what I had endured.

At first, your focus has to be narrow. You need to have blinders on in order to simply survive. And then slowly, the rest of the world – and its possibilities – begins to come into focus. Until one day you realize that you are not what happened to you.

 

7 – You Have Hope For the Future

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get past this,” I said in the beginning, unable to see beyond the enormity of the pain.

“I want to get through this,” I pleaded, words not yet backed by action.

“I will move on,” false determination sounding more confident than I felt.

“I am going to be okay,” I eventually whispered to myself, realizing that I believed it to be true.

The return of hope is a beautiful thing. A sunrise after a long winter storm that promises that spring lies just ahead.