Because of the nature of my first marriage (conflict-less because of a deadly combination of his tendency to lie about everything and my inclination to avoid anything too anxiety-provoking) and the way that it ended (suddenly and without warning), I have struggled at times with my now-husband.
In the beginning, I alternated between being totally flooded and in a panic about being abandoned again at the slightest sense of conflict or withdrawal to an “I’m out of here” conclusion as my traumatized brain assumed the worst about a situation. Additionally, my f’ed up brain decided that if I wasn’t the “perfect wife,” I would again be dropped. Of course, that doesn’t lead to good things because I could never do enough to calm the anxiety and none of this was stuff my husband asked for (or expected) anyways. And then for the cherry on top, I had a hard time bringing up the difficult conversations, my years of avoiding anything anxiety-producing had trained me well.
It’s been years of work learning how to change these patterns. I can now initiate the difficult conversations and I’m more able to stay present during them instead of disappearing into an emotional whirlpool. I trust that my now-husband is in it for the long haul and that he is not a quitter or a coward. As I process a disagreement or issue, I’m finding less and less that it directly has more to do with my past than my present.
Which is good.
But of course, the past is still imprinted on my being. I still have a tendency to take everything too personally and respond at a level ten to something that should be counted on one hand’s worth of fingers. I get in my head too much, thinking when I should be being. And it’s a vicious cycle. Because when I get this way, I become more convinced that I’ll be left again. Which then leads me right back to where I started.
There’s obviously room to grow.
I think part of my recent anxiety is tied to my upcoming trip (I leave in the morning!!!). It’s been almost ten years to the day since I left to go visit my father in Seattle. On that trip, like with any trip, I expected to return to Atlanta and my life at its conclusion.
There is nothing in my life now that suggests that scene will ever be repeated. But I think it’s there in my subconscious mind, softly whispering, “what if?” and making me more needy, more sensitive and yes, more anxious.
I’ve come a long way in the last ten years. But I still have a ways to go.
Divorce is a time when you need to have every possible coping strategy at the ready because it seems that every day brings with it a new challenge.
It also seems like everyone is ready with advice – do this, don’t do that. Usually offered with compassion even when it’s off-base.
And the combination can often feel overwhelming as you’re trying to navigate your new reality and filter out the advice that works for you.
So here’s your guide –
The Three Ground Rules of Coping Strategies During Divorce
1. Do what works for you; not what someone tells you to do.
Breaking news – we are not all the same. What worked miracles for one person might be a total dud for you. When you receive advice, consider the source. Do they have your best interests at heart? Do they know you? Even if the answer to those is “yes,” you have permission to ignore the suggestion if it does not resonate with you. Remember – you are the expert on you.
2. Try many things. Keep what works.
Finding coping strategies that work is a bit like trying to locate a pair of jeans that fit after you’ve experienced a significant change in body type. If you only try on a couple, it’s easy to declare that “it’s impossible.” Gather many options with the understanding that most will be discarded.
3. What works today may not work tomorrow.
As you progress, your needs – and what works to address them – will change. Don’t be afraid to retire coping strategies that have lost their effectiveness. That is not a sign of giving up or an indication of failure. Your strategies need to adapt as you do.
Your Coping Strategy Toolkit
Strategies to Survive Financially
Start by assessing where you stand. It’s all-too-easy to catastrophize the situation when you don’t yet have all the facts. Figure out exactly what is coming in, going out and what type of credit you have available.
Consider low-cost attorneys or mediation for divorce. Before allocating money to the courts, make sure you research what you’re getting for that expense.
Be ruthless in designating your financial priorities. A setback in lifestyle now is worth it for financial security later.
Find a way to keep track of your progress towards your goals. Make it visual and tangible.
Tie a dreaded financial task with something pleasant or positive. For example, every month when I made a payment towards the debt my ex incurred, I wrote something that I was thankful for in my new life. I pretended like the payment was going towards these positive changes.
Remember that your bank account does not determine your worth and that improving finances takes time.
Strategies For Sleep
Make your bedroom a sanctuary as much as possible. If this was your shared space with your ex, do whatever you can to reclaim it. Move the furniture. Buy new bedding. Surround yourself with things that make you feel secure and loved and remove anything with too much emotional attachment. Refrain from using the space to look at old pictures, prepare documents for the divorce, etc.
If you’re feeling anxious, wait to try to go to bed. If you wake up and can’t fall back asleep within a few minutes, get out of bed. Have an activity designated for those nights that’s always at the ready so that you don’t spend your time doing something that will ultimately make you feel worse (social media, looking through old pictures, etc.). Some ideas to consider – a puzzle, a book, baking, walking, journaling, etc.
Have a routine where you prime your mind for positive thoughts and/or purge negative ones before sleep. Journaling and gratitude journals are good for this.
Try podcasts and/or sleep stories (available through apps or YouTube) to help distract your mind as you fall asleep.
If your bed feels empty, try a weighted blanket or large heavy pillow to help to fill the space and provide a sense of physical comfort.
Try mindfulness apps or reminders on your devices. If meditation takes your mind to bad spaces right now, try something more active – walking, baking, playing an instrument.
Get a massage. Non-sexual and no-expectations touch can be very healing. It’s amazing how much of our emotional pain becomes stored in the body. Massage helps to release it and, perhaps more importantly, increases our awareness of this physical manifestation.
Try a breathing strategy. There are many of these (box breathing, alternate nostril breathing, 4 7 8 breathing, etc.). They all help to calm the nervous system and interpret the “fight or flight” response.
Play with temperature extremes. Sometimes when we’re stressed, our bodies become almost numb. Saunas, steam rooms, and alternate hot and cold pools can help to release tension and also wake the body back up.
Strategies to Maintain Energy and Motivation
Exercise. Inertia is real. When you’ve been at rest too long, you stay at rest. So get – and stay – moving. Find the type of exercise that works for you (solo or group, indoors or outdoors, morning or evening, cardio or strength, skill-based or mindless) and do it.
Give yourself quality fuel. You may be drawn to “comfort” foods, but those tend to drain us instead of feed us. Think of this as healing from an illness or injury. Quality nutrition matters just as much when we’re healing from emotional wounds.
Set goals for yourself. They can be small and they don’t have to even have anything to do with healing from divorce. Make them achievable, measurable and tangible. Write them down and put them where you’ll see them. Track them and celebrate your progress.
Build in structure and accountability. It’s normal to feel a lack of motivation during the overwhelm of divorce. When the internal is flailing, put in the external supports (here are 5 ideas).
Allow yourself permission to rest. Build in breaks. Schedule them ahead of time and take them guilt-free. I like to see them as refueling stations on a run.
Create two lists – “Things I can control” and “Things I can’t control.” Make sure your energy (which is a limited resource) is going to those things you can control.
Strategies to Process Emotion
If you’re struggling with anxiety, try exhausting the body. When the body is tired, the mind tends to settle.
Create some distance as you’re working through a particular situation. This can be done by stripping it down to its basic facts or by considering what you would tell a third person to do in this situation.
Connect with others that have been through similar. Share your struggles and also listen to their perspectives and experiences.
Generate a list of what is most important to you for your children (values, experiences, feelings, etc.). Seek to ensure that those get priority and give yourself permission to relax on the rest. For example, if it’s important to you that your kids know that they are loved, expressing and showing that on a regular basis is important. Having the perfect birthday party is not.
Outsource some of the duties. If you can, hire help with housework or transportation. Trade with another parent so that you have more flexibility.
Have your own outlets for emotional outbursts and difficult conversations. You can’t keep it together all of the time. You have to keep it together for the kids and so you also need opportunities to let yourself fall apart.
If you have shared physical custody, plan ahead for those times when your home is empty. Don’t let yourself wallow.
If coparenting is a struggle, research different approaches and strategies. Consider hiring a mediator if needed.
Work can be both a respite and an impedance during divorce. Here is a collection of strategies you can try if you’re struggling to keep your mind on the tasks at hand and the emotion out of the office.
Strategies to Fill the Void
Think back to interests that you had during childhood that have been neglected. Are there any of those you want to pick up again?
Consider what you’re really missing when you say you miss your ex – the companionship, the adult helping with the kids, the shared history? Do you have other people or things in your life that can meet that need?
Be mindful about the digital content you consume. Instead of mindlessly Netflixing, find a series or movies that you truly enjoy and given them your attention.
Make a note of how you feel after time on social media. Consider blocking people, deleting apps or altering your feeds to create a more positive and uplifting environment.
Set a time limit for yourself on how many minutes or hours you will escape each day. Escape has its place, but it’s no place to live for the long run.
If you’re finding that you’re spending too much time escaping, confide in a friend and ask them to help by calling you out on your excessive behaviors. Often just being aware of them can help.
Strategies For Dealing With Others
Develop an “elevator speech” about what you’re dealing with that you can use when people inquire and you don’t want to go into detail. Keep it brief and practice it until you can deliver it without emotion.
Tell your support system what you need – and don’t need – from them. They want to help and will actually feel relieved it you can give them specific things they can do or say. (Or what NOT to say!)
Give yourself permission to take as many time outs as you need to. It’s okay to limit time with certain people.
The more coping strategies you try, the more likely you are to find some that will work. You CAN make it through this, but it won’t happen automatically. Healing is a process that requires that you be an active participant. So keep trying and keep taking those baby steps:)
After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.
So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.
I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.
Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.
As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.
As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.
Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!
About Adriana Verdad:
I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.
You have just learned that someone in your life is going through divorce and you want to know what you should say to them. Or, you’re facing divorce and you’re wondering why your friends and family seem intent on saying things that only make you feel worse.
With divorce, as in any major loss and transition, it’s difficult to know what to say. For those on the outside, they often want to offer support and comfort, yet surprise and a lack of awareness may lead to the proverbial foot in the mouth. And for those on the other side, heightened emotions and a life in flux may result in taking even the most innocuous statement as an intentional barb.
So this is a primer for both sides – for those going through divorce and for those in their lives.
What to Say, What NOT to Say and How to Respond
Don’t Say – “I know just how you feel.”
This is such a common response whenever somebody is dealing with something difficult. It almost always comes from a good place, a place of empathy and wanting to let the person know that they’re not alone. Yet we never understand exactly how somebody else is feeling. Even if the circumstances are identical, their own past and reactions will greatly impact how they respond.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’ve been through similar. If you ever want to hear about what helped me, please let me know. “
This phrase lets them know that they’re not alone, both in the experience and in dealing with it. It communicates that there is common ground, but stops short of making assumptions.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Accept this phrase in the spirit in which it was intended. They are wanting to reach out and they are putting themselves back in the place when something similar happened to them.
Don’t Say – “I get it. My partner never puts the dishes in the dishwasher and it drives me crazy.”
I seriously doubt that a messy kitchen is the reason for the divorce. Yes, those small domestic squabbles can be really annoying and you may have woken up to socks hanging off the cabinets and so you’re feeling especially irrupted with your spouse right now. But still comparing those daily struggles with divorce is minimizing and dismissive. Please complain to someone else right now.
Maybe Say This Instead – “This must be hard for you. I am sorry that this is something that you’re facing.”
Set boundaries. If you have people in your life that are using you to complain about their minor relationship issues, it’s okay to tell them that you cannot be the recipient of that right now. If they continue, limit your exposure until you’re in a better place.
Don’t Say – “I feel like a single parent because my spouse travels so much.”
I get it. Being a parent when your partner is always on the road, or at work or just absent in general is HARD. Hell, parenting no matter what is hard. But here’s the thing, you and your children are still a cohesive unit, even if it’s one whose operation is largely commanded by you. After divorce, there is grieving for the impact on the children and fear as to how everything will work out.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Being a single parent is hard. Let me know if you need help with transportation or just need somehow to bounce a decision off of.”
You’re acknowledging the challenge without participating in the comparison olympics. And even better, you’re suggesting some possible solutions to some of the difficulty.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
I know that these two situations are not the same thing, but try to see some of the similarities (because there are some). This person may be a good resource for you to help you navigate this new way of parenting and they may be a good companion on spouseless kid-friendly outings.
Don’t Say – “I would never divorce; I believe in working things out.”
That’s awesome. I admire that you’re not a quitter and that you’re not afraid of hard work. However, the reality is that many – if not most – of us that got divorced felt that same way at some point. Yet either we were given no choice or that became the best choice out of a sea of less-than-ideal options.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I know that this had to be a difficult decision.”
Trust that they are making the best choice for themselves and that they are not acting impulsively. If you’re not sure who initiated the divorce, a simple, “This sounds hard,” may be better.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Divorce is often a major fear for anyone who is married, so your split may be a trigger for those around you. “I would never” is often code for, “That is my biggest fear and so I need to pretend that I have control over it.” Remember that what they are saying is more a reflection on them than a criticism of you.
Don’t Say – “Divorce is a sin”
This may be a core belief for you and so you’re truly concerned about their well-being and relationship with God. Yet you’re also not their spiritual advisor. There are basically two possibilities here – either they do not see divorce as a sin or it is against their beliefs and so this decision (which may indeed have been a life-or-death one) was made after many prayers and much reflection.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Do you have somebody to talk to? A counselor? A pastor?”
Questions and support will always be received better than judgment.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Take a deep breath. Remember that your relationship with God is your business and have faith that you are doing the right thing for you.
Don’t Say – “You’re destroying your kids.”
Trust me, they are already feeling immense guilt for what this is doing to the kids. They don’t need your voice amplifying that. And it’s also not that simple. If there was abuse, divorce is clearly the preferable option for the kids. Even without abuse, kids often do better with two happy-yet-separate parents than two that are always fighting under the same roof.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are the kids doing?”
This communicates that you’re thinking about the kids and also gives you a chance to see if any help is needed to ease the transition. Instead of shaming the parent for the divorce, maybe try to be another trusted adult that can help support the kids through this.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
They care about your kids. That’s pretty awesome. However, you also don’t have to listen to shaming and judgmental comments like that. It’s okay to say, “I’d appreciate it if you refrained from commenting on my parenting choices. I’ll reach out to you if I’m looking for ideas or advice.”
Don’t Say – “I never liked your spouse anyway.”
That may be true. Their ex may have been as awful as a Marvel villain from day one. But that’s not your conversation to initiate. Because even if they were awful, the person in front of you was in love with them at one time. Be considerate of that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are you doing with your ex right now?
This gives them to chance to let you know if they’re still in love, researching revenge fantasies or navigating a serviceable coparenting relationship.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
The more you communicate your needs, the more you’ll help those who want to support you and yourself. If you want companionship on the ex-bashing bus, say so. If you’re working hard to paint your ex in the best light possible, speak up. You can’t get mad at people for saying the wrong thing if you haven’t let them know what’s right.
Don’t Say – “What happened? Did they cheat? Did you cheat?”
I know you’re curious. Yet let the person dealing with the divorce decide how much they divulge and when they release that information. They may be trying to preserve their ex’s image for the sake of the kids or they may be ashamed of something that happened (or didn’t happen) behind closed doors.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’m here for you when/if you want to talk.”
This is perhaps the best thing we can say to somebody who is dealing with any kind of thought situation. Be there and be willing to listen.
I know that you WANT them to be okay. You believe in their spirit and tenacity and you have faith that they will get through this. But right now, they feel like their world is ending. Hold space for that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “You’re strong. You WILL make it through this. And I’ll be here for you.”
You’re reminding them that this is the end of a chapter, not the end of their life. And you’re also not implying that this will be easy. Finally, you’re reminding them that they’re not alone as they navigate the divorce.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
You WILL make it through. Maybe not bouncing – at least not yet. But you WILL cross that finish line after divorce. Even if you’re crawling.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 