stilllearning2b

Who Are You Becoming?

Posted on July 24, 2017March 16, 2019 by stilllearning2b

You become the five people you spend the most time with.

It’s a common saying. And although perhaps not demonstratively true, it certainly has veracity. It’s one of those phrases I encountered so often, that it began to lose it’s meaning. And then one day, about six months after my ex left, I found myself delivering that saying to a student who was making some poor social choices. As I was counseling her about her choices, I began to simultaneously reflect on my own.

I was doing great with the actual people that I was surrounding myself with – people with quality character from a wide range of age groups and backgrounds. I felt good about the friendships I had built and the new people that I was attracting into my life. As my student starting talking through her connections, I was feeling at peace with mine, as they were all people I was happy to emulate.

And then she mentioned a person – a former friend – and explained that although they no longer saw each other, that other girl was still a major (and negative) influence on my student’s life through the muddied channels of middle school drama and the burgeoning world of social media.

I stopped short. This thirteen-year-old girl, that I thought I was teaching, just taught me something. Because even though I was confident with the physical people in my life, I was spending substantial mental time with the shadow of my ex. In fact, if I thought about the energy invested and the influence received, he was definitely in the top five. If not even number one.

And I certainly didn’t want to become like him.

This Year, I’m Ready

Posted on July 23, 2017March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

Today marks my last day before the start of the next school year.

And this year, I’m ready.

I’ve had an opportunity to disconnect this summer. To slow down and uni-task. Lots of writing. Tons of yoga. Meditation without the worry of getting to work on time. And it’s amazing how restorative a little time away can be.

I’ve been able to travel so that I won’t feel envious when I hear of other’s summer adventures. Instead, I carry with me the fond memories of my adventures and my opportunities to reconnect with friends and family. And I have more travel on the calendar during the school year, much-needed breaks that I didn’t get last year.

I made a realistic goal list for myself for the summer weeks and I either accomplished all of it (I got the book done!) or intentionally put it on hold. As a result, I feel relaxed about the balancing act between school and writing.

In just a few short days, I’ll get to meet my new 6th graders (and start the “training” process all over again…I need coffee just thinking about it!) and I’ll get to see my known 7th and 8th graders again. I’m excited to see where we can go this year. Last year, the first for this school and this program, was successful. Now, we have a foundation built. That was the hard work. This should be the more fun part.

I’m not sure how much is due to keeping a daily gratitude journal this month (a habit I need to make sure I maintain once the days get crazy!), but I’m feeling grateful on this last day of break. Grateful for the time to spend my energy other directions and grateful to be returning to a job where I can make a difference (and play with math, which I promise is not an oxymoron!).

The food prep is done. The clothes laid out. And the bags of new school supplies are staged for the car. I’m refusing to check my work emails and staying present in today.

Even as I’m getting excited for tomorrow.

Because this year, I’m ready.

Is A Happy Marriage Possible?

Posted on July 21, 2017March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

The marriage I am in right now, today, is the best marriage I have ever had.

And that’s saying quite a bit because I’ve been in lots of marriages.

“But wait,” I can hear you thinking, “I thought you were with your second husband. That’s not ‘lots’ of marriages.”

But here’s the thing – even though I have only signed two marriage certificates, in fourteen years of total matrimony, I have been in numerous marriages.

Because a marriage, like the people in it, is always changing.

And the one I am in right now is the best one I have ever had.

So I am a firm believer that a happy marriage is absolutely possible. But only if you understand what makes a marriage happy.

A happy marriage is not…

Happy Every Day

Dr. Drew likes to talk about out intolerance as a society for what he deems “ordinary misery,” the normal downs that can be found in a good life. Marriage is no different. Outside of the fairytale that fiction (or Facebook) portrays, no partnership will be all smiles all the time.

In fact, a marriage of any duration will probably go through some hard times. Even some very hard times. But just like you can love your child even in those moments when you you don’t like them very much (maybe like all of middle school!), you can be committed to your marriage even on those days or weeks when you’re not entirely happy with it.

Free From Doubt

It is entirely normal to question your decisions. To consider your options. To wonder if you’ve made the right call and to think about what other paths may have held.

The trick here is to distinguish between ordinary doubt (on par with ordinary misery) and your intuition screaming that you’re making a wrong move. The former is more an exercise in thought whereas the latter (which I experienced towards the end of my first marriage), operates largely at a subconscious level.

A Sole Source of Happiness

A marriage, no matter how awesome, should never be your only source of happiness or purpose. That is simply too great of a burden for it to bear.

A happy marriage is formed when two happy people come together and make the choice to have parts of their lives overlap.

Static

A marriage is a living, breathing entity. The person you say “I do” to will not be entirely the same person you wake up next to five years down the road. And you will grow and change in that time as well. The environment that surrounds the early marriage will change as children come and go, jobs transition and health challenges arise. What works during one phase may longer be effective or feasible in the next.

A Solution

Marriage is not a solution to a problem. If there are issues or insecurities in the relationship, the addition of a certificate and a ring will not alleviate them. In fact, it often has the opposite effect.

A happy marriage is…

Challenging

A happy marriage is challenging in the best way possible. It consistently pushes you to become a better version of yourself, requires that you deal with your own issues and makes you confront your assumptions and expectations. I forces you to admit when you’re wrong and stand up for your boundaries even when you’re scared.

It’s not easy. But then again, nothing worthwhile ever is.

Fulfilling

Not in a cupcake kind of way that feels good in the moment only to leave you with regret later, but in a wholesome, home-cooked meal kind of way. A happy marriage helps you feel energized and nourished and makes everything else just a little bit easier.

Evolving

When I interviewed my ninety-eight-year-old grandmother for my recent book, she kept coming back to the idea of adaptability to survive life’s hardships. And that trait, both in the individuals and in the partnership, is key to a happy marriage as well. A happy marriage is one with a growth mindset.

Risky

One of the key elements of any successful relationship is maintaining vulnerability.

And that open state always comes with risk.

One of the reasons that the marriage I’m in right now is the best one I’ve ever been in is that I’m finally willing and able to accept that risk without preemptively closing myself off or entering into a state of unbridled panic. I kinda feel like a deserve a medal for getting to this place:)

Supportive

A happy marriage is one where you feel like your partner has your back. Even when they don’t understand or agree with you.

It’s a safe place, where you can express your thoughts and feelings without ridicule or contempt. Even when your partner doesn’t understand or agree with you.

A happy marriage accepts those differences and accepts both partners as they are.

As I see it, one of the biggest hinderances to a happy marriage is fear. Fear of losing yourself. Fear of being left. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being hurt. Fear of making mistakes. Fear of not being accepted.

As I’ve said before –

We push people away because we are afraid of letting them in and being hurt when they leave.

We grasp on to people that are not good for us because we are afraid of being alone and someone is better than no one.

Pushing and pulling are fear, not love.

Love is holding.

Loosely enough so that each person has the freedom to grow and change.

And firmly enough so that each person knows they are supported.

It is trusting the other person enough that they want to stay even if they have the ability to leave.

And trusting yourself that you will be okay if they do.

I Needed Him to Face the Consequences, Yet I Was the One Who Paid

Posted on July 20, 2017July 19, 2017 by stilllearning2b

I entered the divorce process like a dizzy and blindfolded toddler attempting to swing at a candy-laden piñata. I had a singular focus, yet unable to see, I fumbled through it and frequently became disoriented even while I was obsessed with obtaining my desired outcome.

One of the few regrets I have is in how I navigated the divorce process. If I had it to do over again (please, God, no!), I would certainly make more an effort to separate my emotions and let go of the outcomes.

But because I didn’t know that the first time, I made these mistakes that ended up costing me.