Today, I’m grateful for an amazing start to the new school year. My 8th graders threw me an incredible birthday surprise a few weeks back and each of them wrote me a special note. It took me days to read them because the tears kept flowing.
Today, I’m grateful for an amazing – and totally badass – husband. He competes in the Atlanta Open next weekend and in an NFC fight the following weekend, both as a BJJ black belt. But even more importantly, at home he always fights for his family.
Today, I’m grateful for two weekends in a row spent with my dear friends. Yesterday we went apple picking. Despite the heat, we had a great time, with the highlight being the hilarious combination of animals in the petting zoo.
Today, I’m grateful for the incredible community on Twitter that I’m honored to a part of. I love seeing people who have been hurt turning it around into something beautiful to share with the world.
Today, I’m grateful that my mom is about to embark on a trip that has great meaning to her. Despite her physical challenges, she has managed to keep traveling.
Today, I’m grateful for my health. After a scare a few weeks ago about a possible retinal detachment, my vision is slowly improving. I’m hopeful for good news from the doctor tomorrow.
Today, I’m grateful for an upcoming trip to the Keys with my husband. I love traveling with him and I’m looking forward to the forced downtime. I’m especially excited about the prospect of night kayaking.
Today, I’m grateful for family. I will get to see many of them in a couple weeks, including my grandmother who is now 100 years old and one of the wisest people I know. And the visit will be in Wisconsin, so even if fall is still on backorder in Atlanta, I’ll get to enjoy some cooler air.
Today, I’m grateful for my puppies. Kazh is healing after tearing off a nail and Emma (who makes bad decisions) is fine after going through the front window (for the third time). Snuggles with them are the best.
In the beginning, I was all-rage. It was black and white in my eyes and he was the monster that swallowed all the light.
Then some things shifted. The anger softened. I started to think a little more and feel a little less.
Cheating is wrong. That is clear. It is never acceptable to betray someone (especially the one you promised to love and care for) in order to have your own wants (because let’s be honest, these are not needs) met. It is a selfish choice. The lies and manipulations that the cheater uses to hide their activities are often cruel. It’s a decision that has horrific and lasting effects on the one betrayed as they struggle to regain their confidence and ability to trust.
Yet as I gained a little more distance from my own experience being betrayed, I came to some startling – and difficult – realizations. I struggle with these still. On some days, I want to shuttle all of the cheaters to Greenland and leave them stranded with nothing but a pair of shorts. And then on other days, I respond more compassionately, seeing them as emotionally stunted, immature and blatantly self-unaware.
Difficult Realization #1
You Know – and Probably Like – People That Have Cheated
After my ordeal, I had several people in my life open up to me. And I learned that there were people that I liked, cared for and even respected that had been unfaithful at some point in their past. Since I wasn’t the one betrayed in these cases, my response didn’t have the same emotional intensity as it did with my ex.
I considered these people. The entirety of them. Learning that one fact about them was upsetting and unsettling, but it also didn’t erase the rest of the person that I had known for some time. Also, and this is key, all of them had taken responsibility for their actions and had made significant changes since the time they were unfaithful.
They hide in plain sight. It’s not like most people go around and brag about their infidelity and many people that have been betrayed choose to stay quiet. Simply based on probability, you have family members that have cheated and some of your friends and coworkers have betrayed their spouses.
People are complicated. You can have great people that do shitty things and shitty people that do a great job at pretending to be great. Betrayal is certainly a shitty action, but does automatically flush away the entire person?
Difficult Realization #2
Cheating is Common
I get frustrated sometimes with the assumption that cheater = narcissist. Considering that the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is around 1% of the population and it’s estimated that somewhere between 25-50% of people have cheated at some point, there are far more people cheating without that diagnosis (or there’s a handful of narcissists that have been VERY busy).
To me, the fact that it is common is evidence that it’s not only monsters that make this decision. Instead, it’s evidence that humans can do dumb things, act without consideration for others and engage in extreme cover-ups to avoid getting caught or having to face the truth themselves.
Part of accepting its prevalence is coming to terms with the fact that there is no such thing as an affair-proof relationship. You can choose wisely, pay attention to your partner and the marriage, and still end up finding that awful text message on their phone. And, especially after going through betrayal, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
Difficult Realization #3
Cheaters Are Not All Alike
Some cheaters are just plain terrible people. They continually act without regard for others, endanger their partner with their actions and refuse to accept any responsibility for their choices (often gaslighting and projecting in an attempt to blame their spouse for their wandering genitalia). These people suck and I would love to crowdfund a one-way ticket to Greenland for the lot of them.
But that’s not all of them. Some (often dubbed “unicorns” in affair-recovery circles) do everything right once the affair is revealed. They own up and do the work. Others may get there eventually, but it takes them more time. And then some are just plain clueless.
The motivation for the affair is also important. Some are truly in loveless marriages (although they all claim that, don’t they?) while others betray a loving spouse in the most brutal ways. There are cheaters who battle addiction – sexual or otherwise – that complicates their decision-making. And as difficult as it is to accept, sometimes they do fall in love with somebody else (although the way they handled it is far-from-okay).
Cheaters form a very diverse group. It doesn’t do anyone any favors to lump them all in together.
Difficult Realization #4
“I Would Never…” is a Dangerous Road
I have never cheated. I have never come close to cheating. I cannot imagine cheating. Yet at the same time, I’m careful to not say that I would never cheat.
Because that cocky certainty can easily lead to making some bad choices that would send me to a slippery slope. In fact, that assuredness is one of the common ways that emotional affairs begin.
I don’t believe we all have the capacity to act like terrible people described above. That takes a special kind of suckitude. Yet we all can do some pretty crappy things. We all can make choices that hurt our partners. And we all can struggle with facing hard truths.
When we say, “I would never…,” we’re opening the door.
Personally, I choose to say, “I never want to cheat” and then I make sure that my choices and actions are in alignment with that statement.
These Realizations Don’t Dictate Your Response
No matter how many people you like that have cheated in their pasts, no matter how common infidelity is and no matter what degree of suckitude your cheating partner reached, you can set your own boundaries for what you will tolerate.
The pain from betrayal is brutal. Learning that the person who vowed to protect you has instead been eating cake while slipping you poison is earth-shattering. The aftershocks last for years and the loss of blind trust lasts a lifetime. Infidelity is theft. And you have a right to all of the emotions that it brings up in you.
When it comes down to it, the collective nature of cheaters doesn’t matter.
Only your situation does.
And if you do decide to send them on that one-way trip to Greenland, don’t forget the polar bear bait:)
We are often our own harshest critics. We berate ourselves for the same things we respond with compassion to in others. Instead of doing the best we can, we often “should” ourselves into shame and paralysis.
So for today, practice being as kind to yourself as you are to others.
For today, give yourself permission to…
Struggle even when your struggles seem to pale in comparison to those of others.
Sometimes we measure our traumas against those of others. And when they don’t even begin to compare to the magnitude of the horror that some of faced, we believe that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. That somehow we don’t have the right to struggle because our struggles are minor compared to those around us.
Yet one trauma doesn’t negate another. Experiences are measured not by how they compare to others, but by how they compare to what you have been through. You can have a hard time even if it seems minor. Your feelings are real and valid.
Feel okay even when things are falling apart around you.
I attended a tragic funeral recently. And like at all such gatherings, there were moments of shared laughter as people traded stories and memories. Brief periods of respite from the pain, rising through the sadness like bubbles to the surface.
And those moments are precious. It is okay to smile even when you have tears pouring from your eyes. It’s okay to set aside the grief for a period and enjoy life. There is no rule that states that grieving and living are mutually exclusive. You can do them both at once.
Secretly feel relieved even when you’re devastated.
There are times when our hearts and our brains are in opposition. When we know that a loss is needed, but yet we struggle to let go. This is the death after a protracted illness or the divorce after a long period of dysfunction. We grieve outwardly, while secretly also feeling relieved that it is over.
And that’s okay, to both miss something and also be at peace with it ending.
Feel sad just because.
There are days when you’re just not okay. There’s no reason, at least none that you can put your finger on. You’re just sad. Or withdrawn. Or anxious.
And those feelings, whatever they are, are allowed.
When we try to tell ourselves that we shouldn’t feel that way, we tend to only amplify the sensations. Instead, give those feelings permission to be and let them move through freely.
Not be at your best.
Maybe you’re the star employee at work. Or typically a Grade A parent. But not today. Today, you’re struggling to get it together. And then you make it worse by comparing your performance today to your high expectations of yesterday.
It’s okay to have days where you lower the benchmark. So maybe you didn’t prepare the normal healthy breakfast for your kids this morning and you had to rely on a fast food drive through. They still ate. And for today, that’s a success.
From the inside, anxiety is pretty easy to identify – a tightness in the chest or stirring in the belly, overactive thoughts that tend towards the, “What if?” and an underlying sense of fear or dread.
But from the outside?
Anxiety can take many different forms, some of which may resemble a different root cause entirely.
Anxiety can look like aloofness.
When someone is anxious, they’re not living in the world; they’re living in their head. To others, it can seem like they’re withdrawn, not interested in engaging. Yet the reality is that they’re so busy battling the thoughts in their head that they don’t have the attention to spare towards those around them.
Anxiety can look like pessimism.
It’s not that those that struggle with anxiety only see the negative; it’s that they believe that they have to anticipate all of the possible outcomes so that they can be prepared for any eventuality. When good things happen (or seem about to happen), anxious people have a hard time accepting it because their brains are still telling them that things can change in an instant.
Anxiety can look like perfectionism.
Anxiety likes to have things in order. It’s a lie the anxious brain likes to use, “If you can do everything right, you’ll be okay.” And so the drive towards perfectionism is strong and the fear of falling short (which of course, is inevitable), is equally as powerful.
Anxiety can look like having trouble committing.
“Am I doing the right thing?” anxiety questions before agreeing to something. “What if there’s a better option?” the mind asks. Those that are anxious often spend substantial time researching and weighing options before making a decision. And even once a decision is made, the doubts may persist.
Anxiety can look like high achievement.
Anxiety has an energy to it and often that energy acts like a motor that drives achievement. The anxious mind has trouble relaxing, which combined with a fear of failure can lead to some impressive achievements. Not that the anxious person will ever relax and enjoy their successes.
Anxiety can look like a need for control.
An anxious brain tries to anticipate every potential outcome. And of course, those outcomes are limitless. So to improve the odds, an anxious person will often try to control the situation and steer the outcomes a certain direction.
Anxiety can look like struggling with time.
Those with anxiety often have a dysfunctional relationship with time – they either believe there is not enough or they avoid thinking about it altogether. As a result, they will either be too early late, believe they will never get it done or put it off until the last possible minute.
Anxiety can look like a failure to begin.
“Am I doing the right thing?” “Am I qualified to do this?” “What if I fail?” These thoughts mean that the anxious person can spend an inordinate amount of time on the starting block, scared of taking that first step. This can lead to unfulfilled promises of action.
Anxiety can look like an entertainer.
For some, the anxiety is channeled into performance. They are always “on,” often the center of the party. By playing a role, they are able to find some distance from their unease. And by shifting the attention towards their performance, they are able to hide their anxiety.
Anxiety can look like a calm exterior.
Many people with anxiety hide it very well. While they may be panicking inside, their demeanor doesn’t even register the slightest elevation of pulse.
Whether you experience anxiety yourself or have someone in your life that struggles with it, once you recognize its disguises, you are better prepared to handle it appropriately.
I have this image of the brain after a breakup. It’s laid out like the room that manages all of the electricity for a large building. Huge levers line the walls where the power can be controlled to each section of the building. One by one, you shut down each breaker that sends energy to any thoughts about your ex until your mind is dark and peaceful.
Of course, it’s not really that simple.
No matter how much we try, thoughts of our exes find their way in, both through brute force and devious sneakery. The thoughts can range from disturbing to amusing, but no matter their particular flavor, they are often unwanted, displacing more welcome thoughts and dreams.
So why is it that even though they are out of our lives, they refuse to vacate our minds?
You’re Wanting Things to Be Different
Maybe you’re berating yourself for mistakes you made that led to the demise of the marriage. Thinking that if you only did or said something differently, that you would still be together. Or maybe you’re holding onto the idea that you can still become the person your ex wants and you’re entertaining the illusion that somehow you can still be together.
This desire keeps your ex in the forefront of your mind because you’re turning your thoughts around like puzzle pieces, trying to get them just so in the hopes of bringing everything together. And just like a puzzle, it’s hard to walk away when it feels unfinished.
What you can do…
This is a time for some tough self-love. What you’re doing is a type of magical thinking. Wanting something to be true is not enough to make it true. You cannot change the past no matter how much you allow it to occupy your present. Pay attention to when your thoughts venture into this territory and repeatedly remind yourself, “That is past. I cannot change it.”
These thoughts are often at their most intrusive when we are dissatisfied with our present lives. Are there areas in your life that need filling? Turn your attentions that way.
You Miss Them (or You Miss the Idea of Them)
Obviously, at some point, you were attracted to your ex. You liked them as a person and found them interesting and desirable. And then as the relationship grew, their presence in your life grew as well until they occupied one of the more prominent positions. So it’s no wonder that you miss them. That the bed feels empty and you find yourself seeking out their smell or the particular sound their footsteps made on the stairs when they came home.
And of course, when you miss them, you’re thinking about them. And probably with rose-colored glasses too. You’re remembering the person you fell in love with, not the person you divorced.
What you can do…
This can be a time to counteract each of those positive memories with a negative fact. Although this isn’t a great strategy for the long term, it can help when you’re struggling to let go. If you need more ideas, read about how to fall out of love.
You’re Feeling Lonely
I equate a breakup with the cold void felt by the remaining person in a bathtub when the other person steps out. There seems to be too much time and too much emptiness, and that’s a difficult combination. It’s natural to want to fill that void with thoughts of the last person to occupy it. You equate their absence with your loneliness and so you fill your loneliness with their imagined presence.
The problem is that believing what loneliness tells you is a bit like trusting yourself to make wise decisions when you show up to the grocery store starving. Until you address the loneliness, your brain will be feeding you nonsense.
There’s a reason that the most common search that leads to my site is some version of, “My ex is getting married and it hurts.”
Because it does.
No matter how much we like to deny it, it can be painful to see them moving on, especially when we still feel flattened by the divorce. We wonder if they’re happy. Happier, even. We compare ourselves to their new partner and we judge our life by their curated one.
What you can do…
Block them on all social media. You do not need to see the pictures of them with their new partner. You crave the information, yet at the same time, you feel worse whenever you consume. So go cold turkey. Need more? This video offers more support and points to think about.
You’re Curious
You used to know almost everything about them. And now they’re almost a stranger. It starts innocuously enough, “I wonder if…” But then it spirals as you keep wondering.
Even though this reason doesn’t carry the weight of the others, taken too far, it can still interfere with your ability to move on.
What you can do…
The brain abhors a vacuum. If you don’t know something, the mind will fixate until it has answers. So give it answers. Not by social media stalking or constantly asking your kids, but by telling yourself some version of, “Their life is no longer part of mine. I don’t need to know what they are doing because it does not impact me.” If you have no contact, it’s okay to tell yourself a story (ideally a boring one) about what they have going on. And then go get your drama elsewhere.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 