Awakening From Hibernation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In some areas, it’s not quite spring but we are well over winter. The trees and flowers are just beginning to stir. The first signs of the cherry blossoms have appeared. The daffodils are letting their yellow undercoats peek out at the tepid sun. Tree branches are rounded with the soft buds of the new leaves. The stirrings are not limited to the plants. Joggers are beginning to fill the trails, especially on those days between cold and rain fronts. The squirrels are out in force, digging up the acorns they buried months ago. The birds have lifted their self-imposed ban on song and their chirps and warbles fill the mornings once again.

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It’s natural to hibernate when the world outside becomes too harsh to bear. It’s instinctive to curl up and tuck in, settling into a protective stasis. We do it annually to some extent as we follow the natural rhythms of shorter days and colder nights. We tend to narrow our worlds in the winter, paring back and slowing down. It is a time of restoration.

That contraction is countered by the expansion that occurs each spring, as we expand our reach along with the increasing hours in a day. It’s an instinctive cycle, an inhalation and exhalation on a broad scale. We are not unlike the flowers in our balance of growth and rest.

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And, just like the blossoms, we can have our rhythm disturbed. A sudden late freeze will send the plants into shock, causing them to die back and halt their growth until they feel like it’s safe to peek their petals out again. A sudden shock can just as easily cause us to slow and even stop. Parts of us can die, turning withered and black. It can lead to a period of hibernation as the body and mind turn inward. The body slows, the appetite decreases and the brain becomes sluggish.

It’s a natural response to a sudden freeze where the world becomes inhospitable and fierce. Don’t try to resist the natural cycles – you’ll lose. Be with it; ride it out. Curl up and hide but don’t forget to look outside for the first signs of spring and allow yourself to spread and grow as the sun’s first warmth touches you again.

The flowers never let the risk of a late freeze keep them from showing their beauty. Why should you?

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Curiosity Cap

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever approach a new situation with the assumption it is going to be terrible?

Perhaps it’s the biting cold of your first winter run. Or the inaugural road trip with a young child. Or a medical procedure that carries the expectation of pain.

The potential list is endless; we greet new experiences with a suitcase full of expectation expressed as worries or complaints.

About something we’ve never done.

We anticipate the discomfort. The annoyances. The pain.

And by doing so, we prime the pump for reality to bear out our assumptions.

Helping to ensure that the anticipated awfulness comes to be.

There is a different way.

Put down that suitcase of expectations and put on that cap of curiosity.

My curiosity cap. And a reminder not to take things too seriously.
My curiosity cap. And a reminder not to take things too seriously.

After all, this is something you haven’t experienced before, right? Or, even if you’ve done it prior, there are some variables that have been manipulated so that it is no longer the same event.

So rather than lead with a conclusion of full-on suckitude, approach with a sense of curiosity.

I wonder how the cold air is going to feel on my lungs.

It will be interesting to see how the baby responds to travel.

I’m intrigued to see what it feels like to have my body repaired.

And yes, you may find that it is terrible.

But you also leave the door open for the discovery that it’s not.

Present and Accounted For

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a teacher, my biggest frustration is when a kid is absent repeatedly. Without fail, they ask for their work the next day and then at some point, come to me with the words, “I don’t get it.”

I usually respond with some version of, “I know. You missed the lesson. When can you come in to learn it?” And with this being middle school and math, online videos and parents are of limited help (for you parents out there, you’re not crazy – this math is taught differently than how we learned it). For most kids, they need some direct instruction to learn the material. And with limited time in the school day and material that continues to build, repeated absences add up to a big problem.

When I have a kid, even a struggling or not very motivated one, who is in class, I can work with them. I can watch their reactions during a lesson and clear up misconceptions before they build. I can observe them attempt problems and intervene when they make a misstep. I can encourage them when their attention flags and build up their confidence when they are afraid to try.

It’s frustrating to see them falter when I can’t do anything about it.

Presence comes before progress.

And isn’t that true in a marriage as well?

Even when things are rocky, presence matters. If you have a struggling spouse who is still present in the relationship, you can lend support. Missteps and mistakes can be corrected when both partners are vested. When one person’s attention wanes yet they are still in attendance, there is hope for redirection and re-engagement. When one spouse is fearful and able to show it, the other can sound the rallying cry.

But when one partner racks up the absences and is already checked-out?

There’s not much the other person can do.

Because that’s the mathematics of marriage.

1+1=2

But 2-1=0

It takes two to make it work and only one to destroy it.

And accepting that you cannot fix everything no matter how much you want to is a painful lesson indeed.

Did You Miss These?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My newly planted plants managed to survive the freeze with only cosmetic damage. It’s funny, similar damage used to devastate me. Now? I just shrug it off. I know that the wilted and damaged tissue will fall off of its own accord in a matter of days and that in a few weeks, there will hardly be a scar.

And now that the weather is in agreement with the calendar again, I’ve returned to yard to tend and water and plant some more.

With my hands busy in the garden, they have been idle at the keyboard.

The following are some posts that, according to the numbers, there’s a good chance you missed. Why not check out one that piques your interest?

Rewriting the End of a Relationship We often underestimate the power we have. Learn to embrace it.

Bust a Rut Sometimes life doesn’t allow us to change at our own pace.

Sacrifice Surprise – this can be a reason marriages end.

Growth Mindset in Marriage There’s a reason this trait is prioritized by job interviews.

The Anti-Victim Use these strategies to empower someone else. Or maybe even yourself.

Debridement Hard to read. But powerful lessons to learn.

Progressive Resistance It doesn’t get easier. You get stronger.

The Faux Commute Some take it literally. Others stick to metaphor. But we all have something to learn on this drive,

Outsourcing You can’t outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

You Are Not Your Divorce Sometimes we need a reminder and a little perspective.

Confirmation Bias in Marriage Strive to see with your eyes rather than your assumptions.

Listening to the Subconscious

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I used to have bad dreams in my first marriage. Dreams that involved my husband at the time that caused me to wake up angry.

Fuming, in fact.

The plot of the dreams was always tenuous, the storyline threads slipping from my mind as soon as I woke.

But the anger remained for hours until it would dissipate.

I used to warn my husband on those mornings, explaining that if he felt any sort of a chill or irritability from me that is was simply residue from my nocturnal hallucinations.

But they weren’t really hallucinations, were they? In fact, it seems as though the truth only came out when I was safely asleep. The lies safely shielded me when I was awake.

Looking back, those dreams were my training wheels; slowly acclimating me to the reality. Trying on the idea of my husband being a wolf in sheep’s clothing in small, measured doses.

And dreams were one of the tools I used to learn to trust again. It’s been five years now with my new husband, and not one rage-inducing dream yet.

And if one does happen to cross my path one night, you better believe I won’t simply brush it off as just a bad dream. At least not until I make sure it isn’t real.

Did any of you experience suggestions of the truth in your dreams before in came to you in the harshness of the day?