Savoring Cabin Fever

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My first-ever fall break (thank you school system!) happened to coincide with the arrival of several weather events that have made the week off anywhere from soggy to soaked. My intended plans (hiking, planting and general yard work and washing my car) were drafted prior to the forecast and had to be jettisoned once the preponderance of rainfall became apparent.

I briefly contemplated shifting my plans, but ultimately I decided to simply enjoy the molasses-pace of a week confined mostly to the house. My extroverted husband, who left on Thursday for his annual martial arts camp (so proud of him!!!), seemed horrified by my intentions to stay home alone.

I was excited.

It’s been a week similar to a sea-day on a cruise. Where the things I need to do only occupy a portion of the day and a delicious and the options of things to do are limited by the surroundings. I’ve been able to sink into yin yoga poses without feeling like I needed to rush off to complete something else. I stayed up past my bedtime to watch the Raven beat the Steelers (although I still woke up at 4:30 the following morning:( ). I’ve read through all the library books that the library would let me check out.

And then I reread an old book (Me Before You) before purchasing its newly-released sequel (After You). As an aside, I recommend these books for people struggling after loss. They have a way of speaking to the heart in an indirect an unfussy way.

I’ve burned candles to the base. Sipped endless cups of tea. Played bagpipe music at five in the morning and heavy metal throughout the evening. I’ve worn nothing except sweatpants and workout clothes.

I’ve cleaned out the area under my bathroom sink. Why is it in every single move I’ve ever done, this space always ends up being where I run out of energy and just throw everything down and let it turn into a mess over the years???? Oh well, at least it’s been tamed now.

I wandered through Marshalls and TJ Max and picked up a few shirts. I watched a few YouTube videos on hair and makeup and then, feeling empowered, went to Ulta, where I promptly felt inferior (and frugal!) and walked back out again.

I’ve eaten my weight in salads and pumpkin muffins (seriously easy and healthy – made from oats, cottage cheese and egg whites). And I enjoyed a GF grilled cheese and tomato soup (not healthy but seriously yummy) at a place down the street from me. After all, grilled cheese on a cold and rainy day is pretty much a law.

And I’m just now starting to feel restless. Maybe even a little bored.

And I’m savoring that feeling.

Because life is normally so go go go, that it’s wonderful to simply sit and savor one more slow day.

The Four Words That Are Holding You Back (And the Four Words to Say Instead)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holding

It’s ingrained in all of us.

Inevitably, when I motion for a student to quiet down, I hear the response,

“It’s not my fault.”

(Or its synonym, “It wasn’t me.”)

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It is a knee-jerk reaction to any pronouncement of culpability.

And rather than grow out of it as we grow older, we begin to pay others to tell us that it is not our fault.

———-

When I first starting getting into health and fitness in the early 90s, I noticed that the industry advice came in two distinct forms – one voice said that you could transform your life and your body through willpower and hard work while the other side spoke of reassurances that the excess weight or sagging muscle was due to no fault of your own (and often this burden shift would be followed up with a “quick fix” for the low, low price of only $19.95).

And I soon figured out that the second view led to increased sales.

Even as it failed to create the desired body.

Because we all like to hear that it’s not our fault. That someone or something else is responsible for whatever is holding us back.

Yet even though we all have situations and circumstances that make certain goals more challenging, you are ultimately the only thing holding you back.

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I encounter people that tell me that they cannot lose weight because of PCOS or hypothyroidism. “It’s in my genes,” is offered as a reason for the Type II diabetes or metabolic syndrome. I hear others defend their lack of fitness by claiming that their family or job requires all of their time.

They feel a freedom by stating that it is not their fault.

Yet really they are in chains of their own making.

I workout alongside people who use wheelchairs and people with artificial limbs. I have friends who alternate days at the gym with nights at the hospital as they are treated for their autoimmune disorders. I know women with PCOS who accept that weight loss will be harder for them even as they strive to work within the limitations of their disease. I work with single parents who problem-solve creative ways to exercise while the kids are at practice or asleep.

I’ve never once heard any of these people say that the situation is not their fault.

And it’s no accident that they are constantly pushing the boundaries of their situations.

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———-

The problem with, “It’s not my fault,” is that it so easily slides into “And therefore there’s nothing I can do about it.”

And the two declarations are vastly different.

It is not your fault if you have been cursed by faulty genes that cause your body to grasp onto every fat cell for dear life.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It is not your fault if you suffered at the hands of abusive or negligent parents who failed to give you the tools to excel in adulthood.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It is not your fault if you have been exposed to trauma, bruising and damaging your very core.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It’s not your fault if your brain struggles with anxiety or depression.

(And what are you going to do now?)

It’s not your fault if your spouse cheated or abandoned you.

(And what are you going to do now?)

In all of these cases (or in any limitations and struggles you have in your life), you can spend your energy on blaming the fault-carrier. Others will help you, either for pay or for free. After all, it’s easy to point fingers at others.

Because then we are absolved of any effort.

Of course, we are also guaranteed not to make any progress.

Because the last time I checked, reps of reciting “It’s my hormones,” had a dramatically lesser effect on fitness than reps on the weight machine.

And assigning liability to a screwed up family of origin is inherently dissatisfying because they’re too entrenched in their own drama to absorb yours.

And calling your cheating ex an ass won’t help you get off yours to build your new life.

So rather than focus on what happened, focus on what you can do now.

Replace “It’s not my fault” with “It is my responsibility.”

Rather than point fingers (or waste your time and money on those that help you pass blame), use those fingers to grab your own bootstraps.

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Nobody else is going to do it for you.

———-

Your future is your responsibility.

Your well-being is your responsibility.

Your happiness is your responsibility.

And if you don’t accept that responsibility, that IS your fault.

———-

It is my responsibility to …

Shift my attention from what happened to me to what I am going to make happen.

Focus on what I can do.

See my limitations as my starting point, not as excuses to never start.

Be realistic with my goals.

Set a limit to the amount of energy I expend on placing blame. That energy can be put to better use.

Surround myself with people who believe I can.

Ask for (and accept) help when I need it.

To refuse to allow somebody else to define me.

Communicate my needs clearly and calmly.

Manage my emotions so that they do not control me.

Establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.

Speak and act with kindness. Towards others and also towards myself.

Believe in myself and act in accordance with that belief.

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And what are you going to do now?

Related:

The Part of the Betrayed

Sprained

I’m Not Strong Enough

Are You Setting Healthy Boundaries or Hiding Behind Walls?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
healthy boundaries

I thought I was setting boundaries.

But in reality I was also building walls.

It’s easy to do. To get so carried away with a line in the sand that it becomes the beginning of a foundation of a fortress. A stronghold intended to keep you safe. But that really holds you prisoner.

Do you know the difference between setting healthy boundaries and constructing isolating walls?

Boundaries

tennis-court-443267_1280Boundaries are rational and deliberate lines that define what is and is not allowed to be done to you. They are communicated and consistent and are less about keeping others out than keeping yourself intact.

Boundaries allow others to see you. Be with you. But they don’t allow others to use you.

Boundaries say, “I’m not letting anyone abuse me” and “You can come in as long as you abide by the rules.”

Healthy boundaries are anchored in awareness and self-respect. When in place by both partners, boundaries allow for a deeper connection because both people don’t feel as though they are threatened by an increase in vulnerability.  Although you may be hurt, your self will remain intact.

Examples of boundaries include not tolerating abusive actions or language, refusing to accept the responsibility for another’s happiness or choices and not acting in opposition to your own values and ethics.

boundaries

Walls

brick-293507_1280Emotional walls are bricks of self-protection mortared with fear. They are erected as a result of being wounded. They are rarely acknowledged and their existence is often only discovered when somebody runs head-first into one. Unlike boundaries, which only keep out those who misbehave, walls do not discriminate – they hold everyone back.

Walls say, “I will never allow myself to be hurt again” and “I’m not letting anyone get close to me.”

Walls are built upon fear. When one or both partners in a relationship is hiding behind walls, a deeper connection forged through vulnerability is impossible. As a result, the partner(s) hiding behind the walls may feel safe, but he or she will also feel empty and disconnected because the true self is not being seen. The wall keeps others out. And it also holds you prisoner.

Examples of walls include never letting your emotions show, deliberately withholding important information from a potential partner and isolating out of a fear of being hurt again.

wallsWhich are you building? Walls? Or boundaries?

Storm Warning

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always weird waiting for a storm.

What used to be hours of warnings heralded by a threatening sky and whistling wind has been stretched to days announced over panicked bits and bytes even while the sun continues to smile.

The advance notification is so important for saving lives and protecting property.

Yet it also leads to unnecessary worry and unwarranted anxiety.

I don’t think we’ve evolved as fast as technology in this arena.

We’re as likely to be destroyed by the media hype as by the storm.

Here’s hoping that Joaquin is more bark than bite.

And that the media has to find something else to sink its teeth into.

What I Really, Really, Really Wish I Could Tell My Ex Husband

Posted on by stilllearning2b
ex husband

“I was right.”

Now, I’m well aware that those words sound sanctimonious and snotty. But I also think I’ve earned a little sanctimonious and snotty after dealing with abandonment and betrayal.

Besides, they’re true. I was right all those years ago.

And I really, really, really wish I could tell him that using a napkin to blot oil off your pizza actually does make a difference.

Told ya so.

It’s funny – I was asked last summer to write a follow up letter to this one to my ex husband.

And I couldn’t do it. It was like being word-blocked by the Raven’s defense when they’ve got it going on. I realized that I really have nothing left to say to him. At least nothing of much substance.

But while I have his ear, there are a few other tidbits I would like to pass along.

-We have a contractor coming out today to measure the kitchen for an updating. It brings back memories (good) of us doing house projects together and memories (awful) of the endless dust of the popcorn ceiling removal. You were a trooper with that orbital sander. I also awed the salesman with my knowledge of the difference between MDF and particleboard. I have you to thank for that.

-I’m going to hear Korn in a couple weeks perform their first album. Remember when we first saw them open for Ozzy? That was a great performance.

-You’re missing the best of me. Of course, I’m the me I am now because of what to did to me. So, thank you.

-But please, don’t be an asshole. You’ve already used up your lifetime allotment of jerkiness.

-And if you’re still in touch with your mom, please give her a hug for me. I miss her.

Oh, and if you’re still struggling with your weight, maybe try blotting that pizza 🙂

And if you have a letter to write to your ex, check out this awesome opportunity to contribute to the colective wisdom around divorce and starting over!