Surrender

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is natural to resist.

To struggle.

To put up a fight.

It is natural for us but that does not mean that it always helps us.

I receive a lesson in surrendering twice a day when it is animal feeding time. The cat, Maddy, comes first. She usually is loud and insistent as she tries to lead me to her food dish. She likes to wind in and out of my feet making the journey difficult especially if I have to come down the stairs. She then positions her body over the food dish, making it challenging to pour the kibble around her ready frame. At least once a week, she pushes up against my arm while I am pouring, thus spilling food across the floor. She gets fed, but we all end up frustrated in the process.

A full dish with no cat in sight. A VERY unusual situation! She probably knew I wanted a picture…

The dog, Tiger, is in total contrast to the feline. As soon as I make a move towards his dish, he slides into a prone position with his head down and averts his gaze as I mix his food. He stays in that position until the food is on the floor and he is told “okay.” By surrendering to the process, he (and the rest of the household!) is calm and peaceful while the food is served.

There are certainly times in life when it is appropriate to take up arms and be ready to fight for your rights or those of your loved ones. There are times when pushing through is the only way and surrendering will only leave you trampled in the dust.

But those times are much fewer and far between than we realize. Think of your own life. Do you ever fight for a meal that is coming anyway? Do you protest even when others are moving to your aide? Do you inadvertently trip those around you or block what you desire?

Tiger patiently waiting for his breakfast.

I know I do.

I have a tendency to see surrendering as a weakness, a sign of giving up and giving in. I fight, not against any real adversary, but for control. The desire for the illusion of control is what holds us back from acceptance. It is a fruitless fight, that battle for control. You may as well be in a brawl with a ghost, struggling to hold tight to an apparition. There is power in surrender. It shows that you are strong enough to let go of control and trust that you will remain standing nonetheless. There is peace in surrender as the pointless clash is let go. Learn when to trade in your sword for a white flag and yield to that which causes you struggle.

Luckily feeding time comes twice a day so that I can remember the value in surrendering. And the fact that cats are not very trainable.

Related articles

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Ma...
Image via Wikipedia

One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.”  He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly.  My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage.  I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear.  He thought wrong.  Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify.  The text was abrupt.  Sudden.  The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good.  He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left.  He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school).  The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed.  It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode.  By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years.  I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over).  It gave some answers.  The emails gave the rest.  Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through.  This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress.  Interesting.  Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that.  A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of.  It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying.  It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at.  His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08
UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

Trust Fund

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: The door to the walk-in vault in the ...
Image via Wikipedia
I had the utmost trust in my ex-husband.  Even thought we were very young when we began dating, I did not give up my trust easily; he earned it over years of proving himself reliable, dependable, and honest.  Each time he followed through or stepped up, another deposit was made into the trust fund.  I was hyper-vigilant about the fund in its early stages, carefully monitoring each deposit and looking for unexpected withdrawals.  As time passed and the minimum account balance was ancient history, I began to relax.
And then, the unthinkable happened.  The trust fund was emptied fully in one violent sweep as I learned of his years of lies and deceptions.  It made me question the veracity of the sixteen years of deposits: were they forgeries?  Fraud?  Or, were they real enough and simply there for the taking?
I felt violated.  Raped.  Robbed.  I trusted him to protect me from others and it turns out I needed protection from him.

It was an inside job.

 

I was left without a husband, bit even more concerning, I was left with a damaged trust safe, its integrity damaged by the robbery.  It was no longer able to contain any deposits of trust.  And I was afraid that it could not be repaired.
I began to work to repair the damage, patch the holes.  I explored, finding and patching the weak areas.  I tested its integrity by tentatively placing trust in others, yet ensuring that, if they were to fail to follow through, I would not be too badly compromised.
Time passed.  The trust fund slipped from the forefront of my mind.  I suppose I began to trust that it could contain wealth again, if it were to come my way.
And wealth did come; I am now in a new relationship and the trust fund has been rebuilt.  It’s a little different now; the security is a little tighter and I am more aware of the deposits, but the fund is full and I am relaxed.
Thank you to my dad and his wife for inspiring this post.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Ma...
Image via Wikipedia

One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.”  He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly.  My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage.  I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear.  He thought wrong.  Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify.  The text was abrupt.  Sudden.  The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good.  He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left.  He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school).  The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed.  It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode.  By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years.  I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over).  It gave some answers.  He emails gave the rest.  Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through.  This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress.  Interesting.  Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that.  A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of.  It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying.  It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at.  His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08
UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

 

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.