I Feel Stuck

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Why can’t I be healed already!” I cried in frustration as I (over)reacted to yet another trigger.

We often expect healing to occur on our timeline. We seek to control the process and provide a deadline for the outcome.

But healing doesn’t work that way.

It’s two steps forward. One step back. And then a cha-cha slide detour to the left.

With the occasional fall off a cliff.

One of the biggest tricks our brains play on us is the idea that the way we feel right now is the way we will always feel.

It’s not.

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If you are feeling stuck after your divorce, these posts will help move your journey along:

Often we have made more progress than we give ourselves credit for. Try looking back to see how far you’ve come.

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Just because it happened to you, doesn’t mean it happened because of you. Sometimes you’re just collateral damage.

I assigned my divorce decree magical powers; I thought it was the ticket to healing. It wasn’t.

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Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Are you sabotaging yourself? You may be surprised.

All infidelity is not created equal. Understanding that can help stop you from comparing your situation to others.

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Healing is not about giant leaps. It’s about baby steps. One step at a time.

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Dating again cannot stop heartbreak. All it can do is delay it for awhile.

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Are you convinced that you need to understand why it happened in order to move on? Careful. It’s a trap.

Does healing after divorce ever make you feel like you’re playing Chutes and Ladders? Yeah, me too.

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You know the five love languages, but do you know the five voices of divorce? You should, because they’re speaking to you.

Just because divorce is something you can’t simply “get over,” it doesn’t mean it has to hold you back.

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Are you engaging in a pissing contest of pain? It’s common and it’s a winless game.

Sometimes we allow our divorce to become our identity. Learn to let it go and find yourself again.

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Endings come in stages. Do you know what comes next?

Are you struggling with your negative emotions? It’s okay to show them the door.

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Do you know the difference between quitting and letting go? It’s an important distinction.

Wondering what happens to the one who leave? Your happiness doesn’t depend upon their unhappiness.

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Thought Patterns

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The way we pattern our thoughts has an enormous impact on our mental health and happiness. Thought patterns can be divided into two main categories. I’m going to call these recursive and input-output. A note to those who are math-phobic: I am going to use some math concepts to explain these thinking patterns. Stay with me; I promise I’ll make it simple:)

Recursive Thinking

In math, we can look at functions (think of these like a rule or pattern) recursively by only considering the output. The rule ignores the input completely and only considers the starting output and the pattern to get from one term to the next. For example, in the table below, the rule would say, “Start with 12 and add 3 each time.” Recursive rules feed upon themselves, with each output based on the one before. They are like a chain, with each term linked to the one before and the one after.

InputIn recursive thinking, your thought pattern is initiated by something: a memory, a trauma, a comment. Your thoughts then feed upon themselves with no regard for any external input. This type of thinking can lead to depression or anxiety as the brain simply continues the emotionally equivalent of “plus 3” with no end in sight. When you feel stuck emotionally, this is the type of pattern you are experiencing. When your reaction builds well beyond the initial stimulus, you are thinking recursively. When you feel sad or angry or anxious even in the face of calm, you are allowing the chain of thought to continue unbroken.

Input-Output Thinking

An input-output rule in math relates the output to the input. For example, in the (identical) table below, the input-output rule would say, “Multiply the input by 3 and add 9.” The output is dependent upon the input. Change the input, and you alter the output.

In input-output thinking, your reactions are based upon the external stimulus rather than your previous thoughts. You may be sad, but the emotion and associated thought patterns are due to your situation. You may respond in anger or feel fear but these are due to the inputs you experience. If you change the input, the associated thoughts will change with it.

Recursion is easy, effortless – which is why it is so valuable in computer programming. Its endless loops create the self-similarity needed for programs to run unaltered. Recursive thinking can be beneficial when it is positive in nature, but all too often it is the negative thoughts that pull us into its pattern.

Recursion has a weakness. Since each output is dependent upon the one before, if you break the chain, you break the pattern. If you catch yourself in this cycling thought pattern, find a way to interrupt the flow. Do something differently to break the cycle. Whatever you normally do or say, don’t. Recursion requires a hands-off approach to survive. So get your hands dirty and change it.

Then, consciously shift your thinking to input-output and deliberately choose positive inputs to encourage positive outputs. Surround yourself with nature, connect with friends, do something that feels good. Change the input and your thoughts will follow.

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