Is My Reaction to Divorce Normal?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was shared on my Facebook page recently-

“Some days I feel like I got the grief period beat and then something will happen and I catch myself crying.”

I responded in part, “That up and down is completely normal. The hurt will fade in time. Just keep your focus on where you want to be.”

“Thank you!!! It helps to hear the up and down is normal because I didn’t know what was going on.”

 

It’s amazing how much added pain comes from questioning our reaction to a situation and how reassuring it can be to discover that what we feared was “crazy” is instead completely normal and expected.

The reality is that for most of us, divorce is something we only experience once. So most people navigating the end of a marriage are crossing a scary and unfamiliar terrain. And because the experience of divorce is so much more intense and complex than you ever imagined, those held in its grasp always want to know that their experience falls within the range of “normal.”

The following reactions to divorce are completely normal:

Emotional Soup

I often hear people reference the five stages of grief in their divorce and they’ll announce what stage they currently occupy. But it’s not that simple. This construct is a helpful tool for understanding a reaction to a loss, but reality is much messier than five clearly defined stages. I like to refer to the state after divorce as emotional soup – a mix of every emotion you can imagine. And on some days, the anger will be the prominent flavor whereas the next day may be seasoned with despair. The emotions can be surprisingly intense and may stay for awhile or may suddenly appear and disappear just as quickly.

Ups and Downs

Healing after divorce is a nonlinear process. It’s not even two steps forward and one back. It’s more one step forward, a detour around to the right followed by entrapment in quicksand and a wrong turn that leads you back to where you started. Only now you know how to avoid the quicksand.

It’s completely normal to have a series of good days, where you’re feeling optimistic and confident, only to be followed by a day when it all seems impossible and you feel like the most worthless person on the planet. Instead of attempting to measure your progress by the day, take a broader view to map how far you’ve come.

Post-Divorce Mania

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else. It can attach itself to something related to divorce (like with an overwhelming interest in discovering everything possible about the affair partner) or it can take the form of some other passion (I can’t even count how many people I met running a marathon that were experiencing post-divorce mania!).

 

Post-divorce mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because its compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Over Reactions and Triggers

 I once had a breakdown in front of the sparkling water display in a Publix. Not my proudest moment, but one that I now embrace as completely ordinary after divorce. The brain has a way of tucking certain memories away for later consumption, smartly realizing that an emotional binge can have devastating results. Then these feelings can be released in a sudden torrent of tears triggered by the most mundane of things.

Memory and Cognition Issues

Your brain won’t function correctly for a time. You’ll forget things, have trouble making basic connections and struggle to form new memories. You may feel slow and sluggish in areas where you once excelled.

Your previous levels of functioning will return. In the meantime, Google, sticky notes and a calculator are your best friends.

Extreme Reactions to Dating

I will never forget the day after my divorce when I looked around the gym and suddenly realized there were men. Everywhere. And I was free to pursue any of them that were unclaimed. I was like a kid in a candy store for a time (yes, part of that post-divorce mania here!).

Others find they have the opposite response to dating – the very thought makes their stomach turn and they can’t imagine ever seeing someone new.

Both responses are normal and, in time, tend to move towards a more balanced approach.

Strong Response to the Ex Getting Married

Whether this news comes years down the road or, as in my case, before your divorce even occurs, the announcement of your ex’s nuptials will probably hit you much harder than you anticipated. It can make early feelings of rejection and loss resurface and it often triggers a sense of, “That should have been me.” It’s not easy to witness their apparent happiness when you’re still aching from the loss.

Although this reaction is intense, it tends to be brief. The last of the bubbles of your marriage floating to the surface before they dissipate in your growing new life.

Taking “Too Long” to Move On

Comparison is your enemy here. You see social media posts of your recently friends seemingly “over it” while you still cry yourself to sleep. You discover that your neighbor remarried after two years and you can’t even imagine going on a coffee date. You worry that you’re doing this divorce thing wrong since it seems like everyone else has a much easier time of it.

First, realize that you only see what others choose to show you. Fun Facebook photos and late-night crying jags are not mutually exclusive. They may appear to have moved on, but their reality could be much more complicated.

And then there is the very real fact that every person is different, every divorce unique. Here are twenty factors that strongly influence your personal divorce experience. Read them and remember that healing does not speak calendar.

A Final Note…

All of these reactions are normal. Yet, normal can become pathological if it persists for a protracted period of time or swells to a point where it severely impacts your ability to function. It’s also completely normal to need help during divorce. Ask for it when you need it.

9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Are you dating after divorce yet? I might know someone…” asks your coworker as you share the elevator on Monday morning.

“You’re dating already! Are you sure you’re ready?” questions your friend after hearing your breathless tale of the other night.

“You know,” announces your mom on your weekly phone call, “It’s not too late for you to find someone new. You’ve got to get back out there.”

“You don’t want to rush into anything,” cautions your therapist when you mention that you signed up for a dating site.

The messages we get about when to start dating again after divorce are confusing and often conflicting. And that friction doesn’t only come from outside voices, it also comes from within as we question ourselves and our motivations.

The decision about when to start dating again is a personal one. You can listen to your coworkers, your friends, your family and your professional support system, but ultimately the choice is yours to make.

9 Reasons to Jump Back Into Dating After Divorce (And 9 Reasons to Take it Slow)

I took an enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool after my tsunami divorce.

Within six months of my ex disappearing with only a text message, I signed up for Match and went on an average of 8 dates a week. It sounds crazy now. And it was crazy then.

Looking back from the vantage point of being happily remarried many years later, here are some of the pros and cons of jumping back into the dating pool after divorce:

Pro: Distraction

There’s no way to sugarcoat it. Divorce sucks. And it is certainly much more enjoyable to meet somebody for a night on the town than to spend yet another night in your empty home.  The excitement of meeting new people goes a long way towards distracting your brain from your current – and possibly sucky – situation.

Con: Delayed Healing

However, too much distraction only acts to delay the healing process after divorce. Those feelings are there for a reason and they won’t disappear until you face them and process them. You have to grieve the loss of one love before you’re ready for a new love.

Feelings are like a vampire. If you try to bury them, they only come back to bite you.

Pro: A Reminder That You Can Love and Be Loved

With any divorce, but especially those that include betrayal or abandonment, the self-esteem takes a huge beating. And dating is like a salve applied to those wounds. It feels good (and a relief!) to be desired again, to be courted again.

Con: Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places

It feels good to be wanted by others, but it’s no substitute for finding love for yourself. One of the biggest lessons in divorce is how to truly get back in touch with you. Don’t let anybody get in your way.

If you seek validation outside of yourself, it’s never enough. If you find validation inside of yourself, it’s always enough.

Pro: Social Companionship

Once you’re back on the dating scene, a “plus one” box on an invitation is no longer something to sweat about. You have those experiences and pictures to share on social media, sending the message to the world (or at least the part of it that matters to you) that you’re still alive and kicking.

Con: Impact on the Former Spouse and the Kids

It is hard for anybody to see their ex moving on. When you enter the dating scene quickly, you’re sending the message to your ex that you’ve moved on from them and your marriage and that they are easy to replace. A similar message may be received by any children, especially if they witness you dating.

We all have baggage. It’s how you carry it that matters.

 

 

Pro: Meet New and Interesting People 

When you’re married, your social circle tends to tighten. Dating provides you with an opportunity to meet new people and open your mind to new ways of thinking, especially if you approach it with a sense of curiosity.

Con: It’s Easy to Compare to Your Ex

When your pillowcase still smells of your ex’s cologne, it’s difficult not to analyze the metrics between your ex and your new date. Over time, it becomes easier to see (and appreciate) each person for who they are and not how they compare.

Sometimes the heart is the first to get the message. And the last to let it go.

 

 

Pro: Helps to Alleviate Pain 

Dating is an analgesic for the wounded heart. It pumps you full of feel-good hormones: raising serotonin that plummeted with divorce, supplying oxytocin that promotes bonding and adding a dash of dopamine to keep you wanting more.

Con: The Pain May Only Be Delayed

People are often surprised at the intensity of the pain felt when a relatively short-term fling ends after divorce. In fact, the pain can often be greater than that of a long-term marriage ending. Part of this is delayed and referred pain resurfacing and another part is because the new relationship was based more on hopes and wishes than reality.

Don’t simply weather the storm. Learn to harness its power.

Pro: Dating Fills Your Calendar

When your married, much of your calendar is filled with family-related activities. Divorce leaves a void. And dating can easily fill that void, replacing those empty days with something to do.

Con: Takes Time Away From Other Things

One of the hidden gifts in divorce is the opportunity to reestablish relationships with friends and family that took a back seat to your marriage. Or, it can be a time to reinvigorate a prior passion that your spouse or situation didn’t support. Dating can steal time away from those meaningful endeavors.

Life’s low tides allow time to appreciate the beauty hidden beneath the surface.

 

Pro: Create a Connection

One of the most pressing human needs is the desire to be understood and accepted. Dating create that opportunity. Even with the shortened timeline, you may find somebody that you are compatible with for the long haul.

Con: You May Expect Too Much Too Soon

Surprisingly, it can be lonelier to be on a date than to be by yourself. Once you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’ve grown accustomed to a certain level of intimacy. And that takes time to build, sometimes leaving a sense of frustration and isolation.

Relationships are formed, not found.

 

 

 

Pro: Fun and Excitement

Dating invites excitement, whether it’s attending a concert together, visiting an escape room or even a stolen weekend away. It’s like a carnival for the older crowd.

Con: It’s Expensive

Obviously, dating is expensive no matter how long you wait after your divorce to do it. But if you jump too soon, you may be struggling to pay your attorney’s fees because of your dinner tab.

My heart was broken, not my spirit.

Pro: You May Be Rescued 

Sometimes life does parallel a rom-com. Maybe you find somebody that will pay off your debts, wipe your tears and make you forget that your divorce ever happened.

Con: You May Be Used

The ugly truth about rescuers is that need to feel needed. Often at your expense. If you’re attracting white knights and enablers, you are probably sending signals that you’re broken. Is that what you want?

I don’t want a knight in shining armor. I want a man that fights by my side.

Ultimately, only you know if you’re ready to start dating again. Here are some questions you may want to consider first:

Are you jumping into dating in order to avoid your feelings?

Are you hoping to provoke a jealous response in your ex?

Are you still involved in the legal divorce process? How will dating impact that?

Are you open and honest with your dates (and yourself!) about your recent divorce and healing status?

Are you looking for your date to be your confidant or your counselor?

Are you trying to fill an ex-shaped void or looking to meet new people?

Are you realistic about the chances of a date soon after divorce turning into a long-term relationship?

In my case, my enormous swan dive off the high board into the dating pool paid off. I’m about to celebrate my third wedding anniversary with one of the first men I met on Match. It wasn’t an easy road; he had to be patient and understanding with me while I undertook some of the necessary healing that had not yet had time to occur.

Date when you’re ready. Stay anchored in reality. Be open and honest with yourself and others. And above all, have fun and seek to bring fun to others. After all,

The end of a marriage does not mean the end of love.

Strategies to Override Negative Thoughts After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is completely normal to be plagued with negative thoughts during and after divorce. It’s a challenging time where you’re facing loss and uncertainty and your prior coping strategies may not be quite up to the task. Here are some actionable strategies that you can employ if you’re struggling with any of these common negative thought spirals after divorce:

Negative Thought – “I’m not good enough.”

This negative thought can arise from any divorce, especially since the end of a marriage often brings with it a sense of failure. It is especially common when there was infidelity or abandonment, as those actions are easily internalized.

If you’re struggling with feeling like you are not enough, try some of the following:

  • Gather up old letters, cards, emails, texts, etc. from people who love and care about you. Assemble these into a “smile file” (this can be tangible or digital) and set aside a few minutes a day to look at it to remind yourself of what others see in you even when you’re having trouble seeing it in yourself.
  • Build up your physical strength or endurance. The interaction between the mind and body is completely amazing. When you begin to feel the strength and capability in your body, you will also begin to believe in your mind.
  • If your ex’s voice is in your head saying negative things about you, take pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and refute each and every one of their claims about you. This exercise can help to remove the power that their words have over you.
  • Volunteer. Time spent giving back to others is also time that you’re out of your own head. Additionally, you’ll benefit from seeing the positive impact that you can have on others.
  • Limit your social media exposure. It has a way of bringing anyone down.


Negative Thought – “I wish things could be different.”

This is a persistent negative thought for many people. Some wish they could go back to the way things were (or at least the way they thought things were). Others direct their energy towards trying to get their ex to act or respond differently (which is a frustrating and ultimately fruitless exercise).

If you are ruminating on the past or wasting energy trying to change your situation, try some of the following:

  • Start a daily gratitude practice. I like to use an app for this purpose, but you can also use a journal or even an audio or video recording. These can be brief (1-3 things each day) and simple. They are a powerful reminder that even though you’re dealing with unwanted change, there is still good in your life. And whatever you nurture, grows.
  • Take a piece of paper. Divide it into two sections and label them “Things I CAN change” and “Things I CAN”T change.” Then, brainstorm at least 5-6 entries for each. Commit to spending your energy only on the items in the first column.
  • If you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you shouldn’t, make it more difficult to contact them. Remove their number from your phone. Block them. Lock your phone in your car when during those periods when you’re more vulnerable.

Negative Thought – “I can’t move on without closure.”

The search for closure keeps many people stuck after divorce. We tell ourselves that we need resolution and answers before we can let go and move on. Yet often, those wished-for accountabilities never appear.

If you’re having trouble accepting a lack of closure, try some of the following:

  • Start a journal. Focus your entries on those questions that are still haunting you. Explore some likely explanations. Keep going until you land on something that feels like truth. Once you find it, accept it in.
  • Create your own closure ceremony. Perhaps you burn old photographs or repurpose your wedding dress. Take something that had meaning in your old life and metaphorically (or literally) bury it.
  • Complete this sentence, “Because this happened, I have learned…” Once you can identify what you have learned from an experience, you have moved forward from that experience. The lesson IS the closure.

Negative Thought – “I’ll never be happy again.”

Divorce can be a heavy, dark cloud obscuring any hope for happiness. It’s easy to buy into “the good old days” and assume that the upcoming moments will continue to be bathed in darkness.

If you’re mourning the loss of the life you had and wondering if you can ever be happy again, try some of these:

  • Spend time in nature. It has an amazing way of reminding us that death and renewal are natural cycles. Marvel at the new growth fed by the decaying matter. Delight in the sliver of sunlight peeking through the clouds. Soak it in. All of it.
  • Set yourself up for laughter. Go see live comedy (even if you’re by yourself). Rewatch your favorite funny movies from your youth. Try puppy yoga (seriously, it’s impossible to keep a stoic demeanor). If you prime the pump for levity in these small ways, you’re setting the stage for something bigger.
  • Schedule smiles. Put one small thing on your calendar every week that you look forward to. Every 1-3 months, schedule something bigger that you enjoy. Don’t allow yourself to talk yourself out of these. It’s easy to get caught up in the, “I won’t have without my partner.” But that sentiment is only true if you allow yourself to believe it.
  • Have conversations with an elderly person who has a positive outlook. Ask about their experiences. Most likely, they have endured several upheavals in their life that they worried they wouldn’t recover from. And yet they did.
  • Write down the expectations you had for your life that you now fear are gone. Analyze them. How many are TRULY out of the realm of possibility now? I bet it’s fewer than you thought.

Negative Thought – “Why did this happen to me?”

When life throws curves that cause us to careen off course, we often wonder what we did to deserve such fate. It feels unfair as blows reign down on our unsuspecting frame.

If you’re feeling victimized or consumed by thoughts of rumination and self-pity, try some of the following:

  • Read either fiction or memoir that features people overcoming obstacles. Not only is it motivating, it helps to remind you that bad stuff happens to good people all the time and that people often overcome great obstacles to become great.
  • Identify a way that you can create some purpose from the pain. Can you reach out and help others that are experiencing similar? Are you able to apply your knowledge and skills to assist people that are also facing this situation? Maybe your gift comes with an artistic bent, using this to fuel your creative endeavors.
  • List your particular traits that make you better able to handle this situation than somebody else. Are you a good problem-solver? Maybe you’re amazing at networking and bringing people together. Whatever your strengths, focus on how they can help you now.
  • Occupy your mind. An idea mind often wanders to the past and gets lost there. Put structure in your days to limit your down time. Add activities that keep you busy and keep you moving.

Negative Thought – “This is too overwhelming.”

Moving on from the pain of divorce and rebuilding a new life are huge undertakings. If we had the means, I’m sure we would all love to hire an entire team to help. But more often than not, we’re left to do it alone.

If you’re feeling paralyzed by the sheer enormity of the challenges in front of you, try some of the following:

  • Identify a very small step that you can take immediately. And then, before you have a chance to overthink it, act on it. Inertia is a powerful force, yet it only takes the smallest nudge to upset it.
  • Channel your stubbornness and determination. Find a picture of you that represents your inner strength to you. Put it where you can see it along with a promise that you WILL recapture that spirit again.
  • Create accountability in your life. Enlist technology to remind you to tackle the small tasks and friends to ask if they have been crossed off the list.
  • Link things that you have to do with things that you want to do. Make all the calls to your lawyer with your favorite cup of coffee in your hand or only wear your favorite socks when you’re on your intended walks.
  • Create a doable, but challenging goal for yourself. There is great power in a finish line as it provides both a needed distraction and the motivation to keep moving.

Guest Post: Five Ways to Make Your Divorce Less Stressful

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s taken as a given that our lives are getting more and more stressful by the day. In all honesty, it’s not hard to see why: we’re busier than we’ve ever been, the cost of living keeps rising and we’re frequently bombarded with conflicting information.

With modern life being so stressful and divorce being one of the most taxing things that we can experience, the need to destress and take care of yourself during this difficult period cannot be overstated. Failing to do so is likely to have significant and adverse long-term effect on both our physical and mental wellbeing.

Here are five things you should do to make your divorce less stressful:

 

  1. Stick to email

As you’re probably going to need to communicate with your spouse at some point, it’s best you do it via a medium you can easily step away from if you feel yourself starting to get angry. That’s why we recommend communicating via email until your divorce is finalised and you’re both feeling a bit calmer.

‘But text messages are easier’ you may argue and, you’d be right – but that’s the problem. As your phone is omnipresent, it’s all too easy to give in to temptation/frustration/anger and send an inflammatory message. Now, we know that you can probably send an email from your phone but the lengthier nature of these messages, coupled with the fact you’ll need to do that little bit more to send them, means you’re much more likely to come to your senses before hitting ‘send’.

 

  1. Allow yourself to feel how you feel

In my experience, it’s divorcees that actively fight the inevitable negative feelings that do themselves the most psychological damage. Battling against emotions that are completely natural is going to do little more than make the process of divorce harder and, ultimately, leave you feeling guilty for feeling the way you do. This, in turn, will create a very unpleasant and damaging cyclical process.

If you feel sad, angry or anything else, you have every right to – just let it be.

 

  1. Take advice with a pinch of salt

Sometimes, the advice you’ll receive from friends and family will be excellent, but sometimes it’ll be counter-productive, overly emotional and, well, just bad.

Sadly, all of the people who are close to you will be well-intentioned, but they’ll also often provide advice and insist you should follow a course of action without having really considered the potential consequences. Just think about that for a second and I’m sure you’ll be able to think of a time you did something similar; like when you were speaking to that friend who was considering resigning to setup a restaurant, for example. We often tend to tell our friends what we think they want to hear rather than what we actually believe to the best course of action and forgetting this can lead you to make bad decisions which could make your divorce very stressful indeed.

 

  1. Be aware of your needs

This can be a tough one as, often, we’re wholly unaware of what our needs are at any given time. That said, when we feel upset, stressed, anxious or any of the other negative emotions that come bundled up with a divorce, it’s worth taking a moment to see if we can determine what we need at that time.

It could be some company, your favourite meal or anything – if you’re unsure of what you need, don’t worry, just be kind to yourself and give yourself the time you need to work it out.

 

  1. Exercise

This is certainly the most conventional piece of advice on this list, but it’s also undoubtedly the most effective. When we feel stressed our boy releases the stress hormone cortisol and it remains in our bodies promoting negative feelings until we burn it off through physical exertion.

So, by regularly partaking in exercise, you’ll not only help your self-esteem, but will go a long way towards averting the negative emotions brought on by a divorce, too!

 

Author Bio:

Jay Williams has worked with divorcing individuals for more than a decade with Quickie Divorce, one of the UK’s largest providers of online divorce solutions. He lives in Cardiff with his wife and two-year-old daughter Eirys.

 

 

Was Divorce What You Expected?

Posted on by stilllearning2b