What We Gain From Reading Fiction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Its a “snow day” in the ATL today. That means that the temperatures may dip below freezing and the cold rain may solidify into ice or snow. In an an abundance of caution (and probably a fear of a cluster this close to the Super Bowl), the local schools have all decided to implement Online Learning Days.

Since my internal alarm clock still woke me up at 4:00 am and my students will likely not begin their online assignments until later this evening, I’ve been granted the much-needed gift of some unexpected time this morning.

I walked the dogs, wrote some quizzes, did my taxes and went to the gym. But my inbox for work was still silent. So I picked up my Kindle, took a trip to the virtual library and spent the last few hours reading a fictional narrative.

The writing was unremarkable. The characters somewhat unlikable. And the story was somehow confusing and tedious at the same time. (I guess that the library gets runs on ebooks just like the grocery store runs out of milk and eggs during a storm).

But even though the book wasn’t great, the experience was. Because reading fiction has benefits that we often fail to recognize.

Fiction Allows for Distance and Distraction

When we’re sad or anxious or just generally unhappy with our current circumstances, it’s natural to seek escape. Some escapes are certainly healthier and more effective than others.

Surrendering your mind to a story is a wonderful way to give it some rest from whatever is troubling it. Because books demand our attention, they are often more immersive than video or other more passive means of mental escape.

Books allow a free (or cheap) vacation with no packing, no preparation and no TSA lines. The trip away can occupy you for a few minutes or several hours. And as with any holiday, you often find yourself restored upon your return to normal life.

Fiction Provides a New Perspective

Most of us live a relatively homogenous life. We live near people that are like us. Then, we go to work alongside those with similar values and goals. On the weekends, we watch the same shows and visit the same shops. So even when we talk to others, it can sometimes feel as though we’re conversing with a reflection.

Fiction provides a break from the monotony and offers the gift of novelty and a fresh set of eyes. You get to experience what Earth is like from Mars or what it’s like to be a strapping man if you’re a diminutive woman. You’re able to experience new worlds, myriad narrators and countless motivations and backstories.

Once the book is set down, the experience of a different perspective often stays with you, allowing you to be more flexible and open in how you perceive things.

Fiction Encourages Empathy

At the start of this school year, we used a study of the book, Wonder, to anchor our social and emotional wellness lessons. My 6th graders still struggle to identify and analyze their own responses to situations, but they could easily put themselves in Auggie’s shoes and discuss how he might be feeling.

Because so much fiction is written from a first-person perspective, it truly gives us the opportunity to occupy the shoes – and thoughts – of somebody else. It’s much harder to judge somebody’s actions when you’re also privy to their internal world.

When you read a lot of fiction, it primes your brain to ask questions about people you encounter in the world before you jump to conclusions about what is behind their actions.

Fiction Subtly Inspires

So many “self-help” style books can come across as critical and preachy. They have a way of declaring that you’re doing it all wrong while the one doling out advice has advantages that the rest of us mere mortals can only dream of. That tone can be a turn-off as the advice falls on deaf ears and the inspiration rings flat.

Fiction is different. Instead of whopping you upside the head with some positive and trite message, it slowly and surreptitiously makes it way into your consciousness. As a result, you don’t rally your defenses. And you just might close the book feeling inspired by the messages woven explicitly throughout the text or the whispered encouragement from the character’s actions.

Fiction Ignites Curiosity

I’ve long held the belief that we should all strive to respond to the world with more curiosity and kindness. Narratives are crafted to make us ask questions. We are driven to turn the page by a desire to know what will happen next. Perhaps we form a conclusion before it’s revealed, but we always hold the door open to possibly being wrong.

Fiction creates wonder. It prompts us to ask, “What if?” Books may take the form of boxes, but they are limitless in their reach once they’re opened.


Fiction Speaks of Broad Stroke Truths

When I was going through my divorce, I read lots of fiction. Lots of dumb fiction since my brain was still sputtering. Yet even though the selections were far from literary masterpieces, the basic storylines all spoke of life truths for all – love, loss, transformation, redemption and overcoming obstacles.

It doesn’t matter if the story is about werewolves or Civil War soldiers, these broad stroke truths are the heart of every tale because they’re the heart of every life. And sometimes it’s good to reminded of that. That no matter the setting, we’re not alone in our experiences.

Are you aware of the power in YOUR story?

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

 

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

 

 

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

 

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should –  ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

 

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Be aware of the issues or situations that you frequently complain about.

Release any defensiveness around the issue; it’s only holding you back.

Identify if the issue is within your locus of control or not.

If you cannot change the situation, reframe how you view it.

If you do have some influence, come up with (and initiate) an action plan.

 

Related: What If it IS Your Circus and They ARE Your Monkeys?

Don’t Take Your Divorce Personally

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a homework assignment for girl’s weekend this past summer, I was asked to read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is straightforward: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple, but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected, one always leading to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in marriage and The Four Agreements in wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and you want to be your best.

Now, for the hard one — The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

Read how.

It can change the way you view your ex and your divorce. And it can help you find peace through the pain.

Are You Pot Bound In Your Life?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started gardening, I was timid with my new plants. I would very gently ease them out of their nursery pots, cutting away at any plastic that was bound too tightly. I would carefully tease apart the roots, unwinding them from their circular pot-shaped path and tenderly place the new acquisition in its meticulously prepared hole. Then I would water and wait, assured that the foliage would soon attain the glorious heights featured in the magazines.

Sometimes I lucked out and the plant survived.

But, more often than not, those early attempts at gardening failed. The plants would appear to thrive for a period of time and then they would begin to wither and die.

I didn’t understand. After all, I had selected the right plants for the conditions. I prepared the soil. I watered judiciously. I babied the plant.

I thought I was doing everything right.

But still they failed to thrive.

Throughout this time, I kept trying. New plants. New locations. And finally, a new nursery. I discovered a discount seller that offered small plants at amazing prices. I made a shopping list, covered the interior of my car in blue tarps and came home with over 100 individual plants. It was impossible to baby them all. There was no way I could gently tease the overgrown roots from the plastic pots without damage. My new strategy was to squeeze or thump the pot to release the soil and then to slide the new plant on its side on the bare soil. Then, instead of carefully unwinding the roots, I would use my trowel to quickly make four clean, vertical cuts along the root ball before placing the plant in its new home. The tender loving care was replaced with a quick message that the plant was no longer bound to its pot. The roots were told to spread. To explore. To anchor and find sustenance from the surrounding soil.

I watered and I waited. And the plants grew. And grew. Not one fell victim to the precedent of early growth followed by slow death. Just to be sure that the results were not due to some factor related to the nursery, I applied that same planting technique to plants acquired from other sources and the results were equally as positive.

I came to realize that my early attempts were misguided; the gentle unwinding of the roots was not a strong enough message to the plant. When I pulled up the struggling foliage, I found that the roots had resumed their former pot bound growth pattern, becoming a congested gnarled cylindrical knot, incapable of providing the plant with the nourishment it needed. The boundary was no longer present, yet the plants acted as though they were still constrained.

Do you ever feel stuck?

Do you feel constrained by perceived boundaries?

Do you ever feel like you’re growing in circles?

Are you pot bound in your own life?

In retrospect, I can see this pattern in my former marriage. My world became too small, too constrained. I was looking for nourishment and support within a small space. The divorce was more battle axe than trowel upon my exposed roots, but it certainly served to send me the message that it was okay to spread. To grow. To leave the perceived security of the known.

We are only pot bound when we believe that we are limited by our perceptions and beliefs. When we are afraid of growing too far and too fast. Sometimes it takes a strong message to release our roots from their accustomed path. Sometimes it takes some injury and pain to shock the system into a new way of being.

Don’t fear the cut of the trowel; it’s just the universe sending you the message that it’s okay to grow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Four Agreements in Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements in divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriage and The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim. To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related: Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.