Tips for Surviving a Malignant Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
malignant divorce

malignant divorce

Divorces are never easy; lives are torn asunder, feelings are trampled and insecurities raised, and both parties are left with a great sense of loss and often failure.  Some divorces turn ugly, with both partners lashing out at each other, trying desperately to hold onto the children, home, or things from the marriage.  Yet others hide a quiet malignancy, one partner using manipulative tactics to attempt to undermine and discredit  the other.  This is the divorce with which I am familiar.  (How it Began)

How to Diagnose a Malignant Divorce

If you are facing a malignant divorce from a spouse who seems to feel no empathy and will seemingly stop at nothing to transfer blame, you will not have an easy road ahead.  You will find that those around you mostly likely believe that it takes two to make a marriage fail, and they will be all too quick to accept your ex’s explanations as to your part in the demise of the union, even if they are complete fabrications.  The truth is that many people do not know how to recognize these pathological narcissists, so they try to fit the divorce into the only mental model they have.  All of this can leave you feeling even more alone and scared as you set out to defend yourself against the one you vowed to cherish.

Help! I’m Divorcing a Narcissist

These are some tips if you find yourself in the position of facing off against a malignant ex that will help you maintain your sanity and limit the damage done through the process.

Understand the System

The system is not designed to deal with this type of dishonesty, nor is it designed to protect marital victims.  This was my hardest and most painful lesson.  I expected there to be more accountability for him, but the reality is that someone, especially a gifted liar, can skate through relatively unscathed.  Not fair, but true.  In my case, the decree ordered that he make all kinds of restitution and work to absolve my name.  Not. One. Thing. Happened.  And there was nothing I could do other than waste time and money on another civil action.  It sucks.  It’s not fair.  But that is the way it is.  Let go of wanting your ex to face appropriate legal sanctions, as it may never happen.  You need to find a way to be okay regardless.

Marital Treason

Gather Evidence

This is critical when your ex will spin outrageous lies; you need to have anything and everything at your disposal to be able to refute his or her claims.  My ex took all of the financial and computer records with him, so I had to stretch to find any evidence.  Those little scraps of data were enough to have him arrested for bigamy, however.  Collect everything, even if think you do not need it.  This evidence can be used to back up your story and also build your credibility.  The officer that arrested my ex was treated to some believable stories by my ex (my favorite- he and I divorced in 2006 and I was remarried to a chiropractor named Mark (Marc?) Mercer and living in the next community over), but he very quickly came to trust my side as I emailed and faxed him one document after another.  I felt utter relief as the first non-family member saw through the lies.

Reality Anchor

Find something, some place, or someone that is your anchor to reality.  The world of the pathological liar is a crazy one and you have been brought along for the ride.  There will be times when you begin to doubt yourself, begin to feel as though nothing is as it seems.  This is when you need to turn to your anchor to remind yourself of what is real and what is smoke and mirrors.  My anchor was his mug shot and an associated newspaper article from when he was arrested for felony bigamy.  I carried that picture in my purse for almost a year.  Every time I would open another claim from his attorney or have to face someone in an official position, I would pull out that crinkled print-out and find my sanity again.

When is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Choose Your Battles

It can be so hard to listen to your ex’s inflated claims and not try to defend each one.  You will find that it is not even possible; he/she is adept at turning up the speed of the malicious game, distracting you with one lie while volleying two more.  Choose your battles.  Select the lies to tackle based on the impact they will have in the divorce.  Let the little ones go.  Some of the lies that made me the angriest were regarding the intimacy in our marriage.  I could have tried to refute those, but it would have been wasted energy and a difficult truth to prove.  I had to learn to believe in the truth, even when he was spewing lies.

A Letter to the IRS

Self-Care

Make no mistake; you are in a war.  It is critical that you take breaks between the battles to rest and care for yourself.  Spend time with friends that you know believe you and believe in you.  Go for a massage, tender comforting touch can help the soul heal.  Make sure to exercise, it can be a great tool for alleviating anxiety or reducing anger.  Try meditation when you are able.  You will need to stay healthy; don’t give your ex the power to take that away from you.

Why I Run

No Contact

In many divorces, the partners spend hours discussing the end of the relationship, its repercussions, and plans for the future. With a manipulative ex, there is nothing to be gained from contact, as they cannot be trusted.  See if you can get a no-contact clause in your separation.  Also, you may need to consider your physical safety.  My ex had never struck me, but I found myself physically afraid of this man who had become a stranger, set to destroy me.  I was unable to obtain a protective order due to a lack of history of abuse, but I did notify the police of the situation and they were able to do regular drive-bys.  Remove yourself from your ex.  He/she is not what you thought and contact will only serve to delay that realization. If you have children together, you will obviously have to have some communication but you can limit the type and frequency.

If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Focus on Your Future

It is important throughout that you remember what is really important: you and your future.  You will not win all the battles, especially when your ex doesn’t play by the rules.  But, if you remember that your ultimate goal is to get out and get on, you will be okay.

Goal Post

Stereoscopic Self

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Binocular Vision

One of the side effects of being in a relationship so long is that it shapes your self-image.  My self view was partially constructed internally, but was also built from his external perspective.  I believed what he saw in me and that became part of my self construct. This was seamless and not readily apparent until he was gone, leaving me with a single perspective.  It felt like going from binocular vision to viewing with only one eye.  I lost perspective and depth, seeing myself from a single vantage point, and one that was clouded over with tears.

I lost track of what was me and what was his view of me.  I never thought to question any distinction.

Through much of my early journey, I sought to reestablish this stereoscopic vision.  I tried to unite how others viewed me with my own self image.  With each new person who came into my life, my self image was fleshed out as I gained more information, more data points, with which to add to my existing template.  At the same time, the tears that had been clouding my vision began to clear, leaving me with an unobstructed view of myself.  I began to shed some of the old me that no longer rang true or had been falsely labeled by him. I learned to create a three dimensional self image that, while accepting of external input, was ultimately created and held by me alone.  I no longer depend upon another to bring depth to my life.  I chose to carry my own binoculars rather then a monocle looking for a mate.

The Florence Seamless Combination Suit. It is ...

Goal Post

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The previous post reminded me of my goal sheet that I typed just a few weeks after my ex left.  I went looking for it, and found it in my folder labeled, “July disasster.”  When I wrote these goals, I was still mired in the yuck of the day to day, but I wanted to put my dreams out there.  I posted this list above the folding card table in my friend’s bonus room that was to be my office for the next year.  It kept me focused on the future and the gifts in my present on those days when I felt like giving up.  The list now makes me smile.  It shows me how far I have come and reminds me of where I was.

There are two items on the list that remain unchecked. The first, complete a book, was a bit ambitious for a year (or even three), but it is an ongoing project.  The other, volunteer at an animal rescue organization was chosen because of my gratitude towards those who helped to find homes for my dogs.  I don’t feel strong enough yet to face this one, but I will.

Some of the other goals seem so minimal in retrospect.  Go on a date – I went on 7-8 dates a week for a few months (months I dubbed, “Match Madness”).  Or, learn to cook one gluten-free meal – I now do that multiple times a week and am a recipe resource for others.

Some of the goals make me thankful for where I am and why I am here.  I was originally going to move to the NW; I could not imagine a life in the same town where I had spent my married years.  Just months before I was going to leave, I met my now boyfriend.  There was enough potential there that I decided to commit to staying in the area for a year (once I found a job) to see how things progressed.  It has now been two years, and I couldn’t be happier.

Other goals have been incorporated into my current life.  I still set goals to run races (I’ve just raised the bar a bit), I still intentionally seek out new friends, I continue to find ways to act of character, and I still make sure to take weekend trips.  The last goal has become my favorite: find a way to laugh each and every day.

I no longer have goals posted above my desk.  I have internalized them, using them as a daily reminder to be thankful and hopeful.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What a simple, yet elegant way to view past relationships.  I know that I see my life as divided into 3 acts as of now: childhood, the 16 years with my ex, and post-divorce.  While some characters have remained constant throughout the play, others have exited stage right once their part in the story was done. They have their mark and helped to shape the story, but they do not need to occupy space on the stage anymore; they are relegated to the shadows of the wings.  Remember that the curtains may close briefly between acts, but they do not remain closed until the final call.  Just because there is a shift in the action and a change of characters, does not mean the story is over.  Do not be afraid to open the curtains to the next act of your life.

Wayne Dyer: Don’t Dwell on the Past.

Stage curtains

I’ve Buried the Hatchet, but I’ve Marked its Location

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Making a hatchet sheath, step 2: flip the hatc...

Forgiveness is such a loaded word.

It requires an acceptance of someone’s actions.  Actions that may be horrific, born from unknown motivations.

Forgiveness was on my mind soon after I received the text that ended my marriage.  According to the platitudes I had always heard, I needed to forgive him.  It was the right thing to do.

It was an unfathomable thing to do.  I viewed forgiveness as a selfless act, and I had a self that was way too hurt to pardon its executioner.  I couldn’t begin to even understand what he did, much less WHY he did.  And, now, I was supposed to exonerate him for those same things?  It just seemed like one more way that he would be getting away with his choices and actions.  I refused to endorse his behavior with my stamp of approval.

Time passed.  He remained unforgiven.  I thought I could attend to my anger without addressing that little matter of absolution.  I was wrong.  I held on to an ember of hate, fueled by my refusal to accept his choices.

I grew to see forgiveness in a different light.  It was actually a selfish act for me.  After all, I do not expect to ever have any contact with him again.  He will never know if I am his pardoner or if I hunt for vengeance.  I forgave him for me.  It helped to extinguish the fire of anger.  It brought peace to my days and kept him out of my dreams at night.

In order to find forgiveness, I had to shift my view of him.  I had to see him as sick, confused, desperate.  I do not know how true any or all of those labels are, but they are true to me, as they helped me to feel compassion for him.  They let me accept that my greatest love sought to destroy me, regardless of intent.  I cling to those labels when I feel the anger spark.  I cover the ember with thoughts of mental illness and a frantic push to survive. I chose to see him as weak and frightened, acting in his own twisted version of self defense, rather than as some evil puppetmaster, cruelly controlling my life.

I do not endorse his choices.  Regardless of his mental state, he lied and manipulated for years, he committed bigamy and fraud, and he ran and hid like a frightened coward.  I still believe that he belongs in prison for his actions.  I still would feel no sadness if I heard of his demise.  I have simply found a way let go in my mind so that I could find peace.

I have forgiven him, but I will never forget the pain.  I’ve buried the hatchet, but I’ve marked its location.