Riding the Rollercoaster of On Again, Off Again Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One day, you’re madly in love and you can’t imagine your life without this person. And then the next day, you’re storming out of the house and blocking their number on your phone. Only to find yourself back in their arms a few weeks later.

Your relationship feels like a rollercoaster. When it’s good, it’s great. But it never seems to stay great for long. Every high is followed by a corresponding low. And even though you promise yourself that things are going to be different this time, you can’t seem to get off the endless ride of on again, off again.

 

Why Does the On Again, Off Again Relationship Pattern Occur?

 

Strong Chemistry

In relationships that follow this rollercoaster pattern, there is often an intense physical connection. This primal response is powerful and can easily overwhelm the more rational side of the brain that is cognizant of the areas where there is frequent discord.

 

A Focus on the Potential

It’s easy to fall for someone’s potential. You see what they can be and think that if you give it enough time, that is what they will be. You’re pulled back in time and time again because you’re hoping that this time they’ve become what you want them to be.

 

Never Allowing for Detox

There is a dopamine rush that accompanies the start (or restart) of a relationship. It’s a heady – and addictive – feeling. The end of a relationship comes with a corresponding withdrawal. Without time to fully detox from this cycle, it can be easy to keep looking for that next hit.

 

Exaggeration of Both the Good and Bad

When you’re apart, you find yourself fixating on what made the relationship good and so you’re pulled back in. But once there, the negative aspects of the relationship begin to wake from dormancy and again overwhelm what works.

 

Responding to Loneliness

Sometimes we respond to the inevitable loneliness that follows a break up by reaching out for the person that last filled that void. Only to realize – again – that it is possible to be lonelier with somebody that doesn’t see than to be on your own.

 

Return to the Familiar

We do what we know. And this relationship, even with its problems, is a known entity. As comfortable and familiar as an old sweatshirt. We put it on not because it fits, but because we’re used it.

 

Believing the Promises

Sometimes your ex is the one who is reaching out in an attempt to reestablish the relationship. That make promises that things will change. And you believe their words because you want so badly for them to be true. But the actions never follow.

 

Wanting Things to Be Different

You believe that maybe you just didn’t try hard enough the last time. And that if you just tried a little harder, you can make it work this time around. You believe that if you want it to be true, you can make it true.

 

Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy

You have a history with this person. Shared memories and all of the effort that goes into building a relationship. You don’t want to throw all of that away and so you become determined to try again.

 

Fear of Starting Over

The thought of dating someone new is scary or overwhelming. You wonder if there is anyone else who is any better than this one. After all, doesn’t every relationship have its problems?

 

Lack of Self-Esteem

You secretly worry that nobody else is going to want you. Perhaps you’re internalizing harsh words that your on again, off again partner has uttered in the downswings of the relationship or you’ve always struggled with not feeling good enough.

 

Pattern Becomes Normal

You’ve been on this ride for so long that the extreme swings from up to down to up again just feel normal. Whenever you’re in a relationship that is more steady, you become anxious or bored as you crave the stimulation you’ve become accustomed to.

 

How Can the On Again, Off Again Relationship Hurt You?

 

For most people, this relationship pattern is agonizing. A sense of safety in the relationship and secure attachment is all-but-impossible when the bottom seems to fall out on a regular basis.

Additionally, this pattern can occur when one or both partners are running from or hiding their issues instead of addressing them in an attempt to heal past traumas. As a result, personal growth doesn’t happen.

And finally, when you’re stuck in this cycle, all of your energy is funneled either into the intoxicating highs or into the all-consuming lows. There is nothing left over to do any real work.

You deserve a real relationship. One that is there on the good days. And the bad. You deserve someone that loves you and is committed to you. And that may be this person. Or, it may be time to let them go to create space for someone new.

 

Signs That it May Be Worth Another Ride

 

Enough Time Has Passed

If the time since you were together can still be measured in weeks, nothing has changed. That is simply too short of a window for any significant reflection and growth to occur. Additionally, you are both still operating from a place of scarcity, wanting to fill that void left from the breakup and you may still be susceptible to that chemical urge.

If, however, significant time has passed without significant contact and you still find yourself drawn to this person, it may be worth a try.

 

Each Person Has Taken Responsibility and Taken Action Towards Their Own Stuff

Both partners share responsibility for the on again, off again relationship pattern. In order for it to transition into a more mature and lasting relationship, both people have to own their own stuff AND take action to address it. This also takes time and if you rush back into things, the changes may only be superficial and temporary.

 

You Are Ready to Build Again From the Beginning Instead of Picking Up Where You Left Off

The foundation that your relationship was built on had some malformed parts. If you try to keep building from that point, it will always be shaky. In order to have a different relationship, you have to build a new relationship, starting from the beginning and using what you’ve learned to do it differently this time.

 

Signs That It’s Time to Get Off the Ride

 

You Replay the Same Pattern Repeatedly

If your relationship has begun to feel like the movie Groundhog Day, where every cycle through feels exactly the previous, it may be time to call it quits. Those patterns have become well-worn grooves and trying to change them with the same person will be very difficult if not impossible.

 

Words Are Not Supported With Actions

The right words are said. Promises are made. And then they are followed with the same old actions. Words alone are not enough to bind a relationships. If the good is all talk and the actions are all bad, it’s a relationship made of smoke and mirrors.

 

Your Happiness is Tied to the State of the Relationship

If you find that your well-being is on the same up and down cycle of the relationship, it’s time to step away. You can’t build a happy relationship when you’re depending on that relationship to make you happy. Figure out your happiness first and only then find someone to share it with.

 

 

 

Homeostatic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I spend a lot of time thinking about habits – the good, the bad, the intentional and the wholly accidental.

In my own life, I have become aware of and am addressing my habits of mind that lead me to anxious thoughts and a propensity to becoming overwhelmed. I have removed some habits (okay, maybe removing is more accurate:) ) and added others (such as my daily meditation practice).

At school, I strive to teach the students the good habits of an academic – preparation, questioning and perseverance. I try to coach them to bring a pencil every day (you have no idea how difficult this is with 8th graders!), complete their homework, ask until they understand and to push harder when the work gets tough.

As a wellness coach, I help my clients establish habits that improve the well-being of their minds and bodies. I assist them in identifying their thinking patterns that underlie their choices and I aid them in becoming more aware of their mindless approach towards health and fitness.

Habits themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply acquired behaviors that are done often and automatically and can be difficult to break. Habits have a purpose; they serve to automate much of the minutiae of life so that our brains are free to attend to novelty. Habits are difficult to break because they often occur below our level of awareness and they are reinforced by the removal of a negative stimulus (ex. relieving anxiety) or the application of a positive stimulus (the taste of that cookie on your tongue).

I spend a lot of time thinking about habits.

But they still have the capacity to surprise me with their tenacity.

My car is approaching its 14th birthday.  I had an after market alarm installed within a week of purchase. This alarm came with two identical keypads that, shockingly enough, do not have the staying power of an Acura. Although the car runs fine (knock on wood), the keypads have now both passed on. I suppose I could track down replacements or have another alarm installed, but the car is 14 years old. I really don’t want to put any money in it that is required by the stoic hamsters under the hood.

So, Brock clipped the wires to the alarm. No problem, I thought. I don’t care about the alarm anymore. But I was forgetting something.

Habit.

My doors used to lock automatically after a 30 second delay (mechanics hated this – they used to lock themselves out all the time!). After 14 years, I have become used to this feature. When I exit my car in a safe location (basically home and work), I simply walk away and wait for the car to lock itself.

It doesn’t do that anymore. Now, I have to remember to manually enter a key in the lock and turn. I know, so archaic.

My car key. The ribbon was used by Brock to secure my engagement ring in his pocket on the night he proposed:)
My car key. The ribbon was used by Brock to secure my engagement ring in his pocket on the night he proposed:)

How many times have I remembered since the wires were clipped (sounds like an automotive vasectomy, doesn’t it? 🙂 ) on Saturday? None.

Lisa 0

Habits 5

Damn.

I used to tease my mom about her attempts to remember things and break through habits. She had sticky notes plastered to every available surface as visual reminders. She would place throw pillows right in her morning path to prompt her brain to remember while her body adjusted its path. These were never useful strategies for long. As with anything, she adapted to their presence and their novelty no longer registered.

I came down the stairs to this the other day. I first thought my mom must have put it there. Then I remembered, she's a thousand miles away. It turns out that Tiger pulled it off the couch. Perhaps a reminder to chase squirrels?
I came down the stairs to this the other day. I first thought my mom must have put it there. Then I remembered, she’s a thousand miles away. It turns out that Tiger pulled it off the couch. Perhaps a reminder to chase squirrels?

I used to tease her. But I get it now. I don’t think its so much a loss of memory as we age as the accumulation of habits.

Less is novel.

And more is automatic.

We do as we have done.

Biology uses the term “homeostasis” to describe an organism’s attempt to maintain a state of equilibrium or balance. Our habitual state becomes our equilibrium and we are fighting homeostasis to change those patterns of thought or action.

It’s a difficult battle, but not impossible.

The easiest way to change habits is to piggyback them on other changes. For example, if I had a new car, it would be easier for me to remember that my exit strategy had changed. Or, when my life was in flux from divorce, I could easily add a regular yoga class since it was simply one more change of many.

I’m not suggesting you get divorced just so you can do yoga, however!

So what can you do when you don’t have other change to anchor to?

Start by becoming aware of your habits and their precursors.

Example: I buy a Starbucks on the way to work every day when I drive by a specific location.

Identify the pros and cons of the habit.

Example: Starbucks is yummy and coffee has caffeine, but it is expensive.

Change the circumstances or the precursors.

Example: I drive a new route that does not take me by the Starbucks.

Redesigned logo used from 2011-present.
Redesigned logo used from 2011-present. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Practice relaxation.

Example: The best part of the coffee was the first sip before I walked into work. Instead, I will take a brief mediation in the car to relax.

Identify the challenging situations.

Example: I am most likely to stop when I have not had enough sleep or I am stressed about the day.

Plan alternatives to the habit.

Example: When I am tired, I will bring an extra mug of coffee from home and I will use yoga and meditation to handle the stress.

Create a challenge.

Example: I will commit to an entire Starbucks-free month.

 

 

Just so you know, that is a hypothetical “I” in the above exercise. I love me some Starbucks but I’m too cheap to go there too much! I went through much the same process when I decided to add meditation to my daily life a year ago. Since then, I have been able to create a habit of it; I rarely skip more than a day. It has become part of my homeostasis, my balance. We will always revert. It is impossible to not to fall back on habit, to be completely mindful in every moment. Luckily, we can change what we revert back to by changing those habits and creating a new stasis.

And now, I just need to go through the process with locking my car door. In the meantime, please don’t steal my car. I might have to send Tiger after you!

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