life

Mad At Your Partner? Try These 12 Ideas Before You Explode!

Posted on June 19, 2015March 16, 2019 by stilllearning2b

It happens to all of us. One day you find yourself looking at your partner in disbelief, the first flush of anger crawling up your neck like the mercury in a summer thermometer.

How can you do/say/think that?

Why did I ever decide to be with you? What in the world was I thinking?

You’re so aggravating/frustrating/self-centered/stupid/annoying.

It’s normal. Two imperfect and different people will collide sometimes.

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

And learning how to handle your frustrations towards your partner is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

And, no. That doesn’t mean that he or she should change to match your expectations.

It means you learn how to manage your expectations and your reactions. That you accept that your anger has as much (if not more) to do with you as it does with your partner. And that you shift from blame, which only escalates anger, to responsibility, which can mitigate ire. These strategies can help release your anger and can also help to reset the dynamic in the relationship.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Write Him/Her a Note of Appreciation

When we’re angry, we have a tendency to demonize our partner, seeing only the negative and assuming the worst. Help to restore emotional and cognitive balance by making the effort to write a note of appreciation to your partner describing something that he or she does that you are grateful for. You don’t have to deliver the note immediately, although it would nice to hand it over at some point. After all, silent appreciation isn’t really appreciation at all.

Release the Energy

Anger has an energy to it. It demands action. And if we don’t release it physically, the anger tends to come out in our words. So give in to its demands. Strap on your walking or running shoes and get moving. A tired brain is a more rational brain.

Increase Your Efforts

I love the idea that in a good relationship, both partners strive to give just a little more than their partner. So make the commitment to put in 10% more than your partner. Not out of spite or martyrdom, but out of a true desire to feed the relationship. Now, this is difficult to do when you’re already angry because you’re feeling taken advantage of or under-appreciated. And that’s also when it’s most important, as long as you’re truly doing it because you want to see the relationship thrive.

Talk Yourself Down

One of the first skills taught to infants is the ability to self-soothe. Revisit those lessons and talk yourself back from the edge. When cortisol and adrenaline are coursing through your body, you are literally unable to process and problem solve effectively. Recognize your (over)reactions and calm them.

Engage in Life

When the situation becomes more chronic, we have a tendency to become stuck in anger. Allow life to be a distraction and a passion. Just like you don’t have to wait to live until you are healed, you don’t have to wait to live until the anger is gone. Jump head-first into things that bring you fulfillment and excitement. Besides, sometimes anger at our partner is really misplaced anger because we are not living our own lives fully.

Refrain From Grasping

Sometimes, especially in those of us with abandonment issues, anger walks hand-in-hand with panic. It can lead to a crazy push-pull dance of “leave me alone, but don’t leave me.” Recognize if this is your response and learn to calm your anxiety before it controls you.

Give Space, Not Distance

When anger sparks, the flames jump from one body to the next when they are in proximity. As a result, it can be helpful to give (and receive) space when anger is present. Be careful, however. There is a difference between space and distance. Space says, “I’m still here with you and for you. I may not be by your side physically, but we are still in this together.” In contrast, distance declares, “I’m out. I’m done.” Space gives both people room to breathe, whereas distance sucks the life out of the relationship.

Explore Your Triggers

Often what we’re angry at is not what we think we are angry at. Take the time to explore your triggers with an open mind. Follow the threads of the anger and see where they lead. Their roots are often in the past and often not related to the current partner. Make sure that you’re not blasting the current relationship with flames from an old one.

Burn the Scorecard

Nothing fuels a fight (or degrades a relationship) like scorekeeping. It pits you against each other instead of for the marriage. Burn (metaphorically, I assume) any used scorecards and refuse to partake in any future scorekeeping. Use strategies to evict any thoughts of tit for tat from your mind. Because if you keep score, it’s your relationship that loses.

Sleep

We’re often told to “never go to bed angry.” Yet sometimes sleep is exactly what we need to provide rest and perspective. So, sleep. And count to ten while you’re counting sheep.

Assume the Best

When we’re angry, we often jump to conclusions and anticipate responses before we hear them. We construct a narrative that feeds the anger and assumes the worst. Turn it around. Instead of assuming the the worst, try assuming the best. It’s still based on your expectations (and so may be false), but it primes the pump for a better experience.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

Assume He/She Wants the Best For You

And while you’re busy assuming, go ahead and assume that your partner wants what’s best for you. Even if he/she isn’t always great at showing or expressing it. After all, wouldn’t you want them to do the same for you?

Leap of Faith

Posted on June 18, 2015January 8, 2020 by stilllearning2b

I jumped out of a plane last Saturday.

Go back and look at those first two words again. They’re important.

Skydiving was added to my bucket list shortly after my divorce. And, thanks to a friend’s encouragement and leg-work, it was finally scheduled to happen last weekend. I spent the hours (almost a two-hour drive from my home) and minutes leading up to the actual jump thinking about one moment in particular – the one spent in the doorway when the decision is made to leave the relative safety of the plane’s bare metal floor for the unknown of the sky, with the nearest floor 14,000 feet below.

And I wasn’t sure I’d be up to making that decision.

My instructor, strapped to my back while we both straddled the narrow bench seat in an awkward parody of two high school students sneaking in some PDA, walked me through what to expect:

“We’ll slide up the bench together. Stand up when you reach the end and duck walk over to the door. Stand at the opening with your legs bent. You can either have your toes at the edge or you can hang them over the edge. I’ll say ‘ready’ and rock forward, ‘set’ and rock back and then when I say ‘go,’ jump.”

“Oh, my toes will definitely not be hanging over the edge,” I said laughing at myself.

“Oh come on,” one of the other instructors said, “What’s the worst that could happen? You might fall out of a plane?”

Wait. Yeah, I guess that is the worst that could happen.

His words had a way of putting it all in perspective.

Although I thought differently at the time, I am now so thankful that my first marriage ended the way it did. I never had to take that leap of faith, leaving the relative security of a known marriage for the unknown vastness beyond. I didn’t jump; I was shoved off the marriage. And by the time I realized what happened, there were no choices left to be made.

On Sunday, I took that leap of faith. When I heard the hard “g” of “go,” I made that jump. It’s funny. I had spent so much time thinking about leaving the plane, I never spent much energy thinking about what free fall would feel like. So it caught me by surprise.

There’s no feeling of falling. The main sensation comes from the wind, stealing away breath (and taking my screams away with it) and buffeting the ears. The closest experience I can compare it to is the wind when you’re on a motorcycle with an open helmet or the feeling of being at the bow of a speedboat (without the hard slaps of the nose of the boat on the water).

But the best part of free fall is that you have only one choice: acceptance.

After all, there’s only one way to go.

Once the chute opens, the wind’s assault is replaced with a calm sense of floating. Even though you’re still moving rapidly towards the earth (about 15ft/sec at that point), your brain doesn’t register it as falling. In fact, from the moment I stepped off the plane, my brain seemed to be screaming, “What the $@#%?” It took it most of the day to process what just happened.

Interestingly, when I stood up after the soft landing, my legs were not shaky as they usually are after a release of adrenaline. Instead, I felt peaceful. Calm. Happy.

And lazy. It’s funny, whenever I thought about being productive that afternoon, my brain kicked up the excuse, “What you just jumped out of a plane. And now you want to do laundry???”

I acquiesced and spent the remainder of the day at the pool.

I started my divorce in free fall. I had to accept the situation even as my brain was screaming that we were going to die. Although it was a solo jump that time, I was lucky to have others coaching me on how to orient myself again and how to activate my chute. That landing wasn’t as gentle as the one last Sunday, but it felt just as good to be back on the ground.

I often talk with people when they are contemplating leaving the known space of their marriage. A marriage that has become a malfunctioning plane. And they are trying to decide if they have the tools to repair the engine, if the plane is in less distress than it appears or if they will be more likely to survive by jumping off.

And it’s funny. Just like I was on Sunday, they’re so focused on that leap, the rest blurs into some vague prediction. But like my instructor last weekend, I’ve been there and I know they’ll be surprised by the experience and that they’ll land safely when it’s time.

The jump is the hard part.

It’s a leap of faith.

It’s trusting that you have the ability to navigate.

It’s trusting that your team has the knowledge to coach you through the transition.

And it’s trusting that you’ll make it to solid ground again.

Peaceful. Calm. And happy.

I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here's the proof that I went through with it! — I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here’s the proof that I went through with it!

New Coaching Course Available!

Posted on June 17, 2015June 19, 2015 by stilllearning2b

I just released a new course on Udemy: Thriving After Divorce.

First day special – the first 30 people to commit to thriving will receive 30% off. Check out the video below to see how this course can help you!

I am super excited about this course. It offers the content I use in my one-on-one coaching sessions for a fraction of the cost and is available on your schedule.

-28 motivational and inspirational videos

-84 journal prompts specifically written to help guide you through the common struggles after divorce

-12 sections of strategies you can apply to your life to create positive change

Come join me and learn how you can get your happy back!!

How to Remove a Mindworm

Posted on June 16, 2015September 27, 2018 by stilllearning2b

Much like earworms are snippets of a song that refuses to vacate your auditory processing center, mindworms are remnants of thoughts that stubbornly replay through your brain. It’s not only annoying; it’s maladaptive. The stuttering brain becomes stuck on a particular thought and is unable to move on to the next or be receptive to new ideas.

Mindworms are tenacious little buggers. They like to hide when you focus on them too intently only to start their slithering once you allow yourself to relax. They may go quiet for hours or even days at a time, prompting a false sense of security, before making themselves heard once again.

Although not fatal, mindworms are parasites that remove some of our lifeforce. If allowed to wander for too long, they hold their host back from optimal health and wellness.

There are no quick fixes for the removal of mindworms. The development of a vaccine has stalled and post-infection medications often come with pretty severe side-effects. If you find yourself the unwitting host to a mindworm that has overstayed its welcome, try the following:

Exercise: Mindworms feed on cortisol, so anything you do to lower the amount of stress hormone coursing through your body will make the environment less pleasing to them. This isn’t the time for a lackadaisical workout, either. Lift heavy, run fast or take a class that pushes you. After the session, you should feel drained and your mind should feel blessedly empty.

Art: Sometimes mindworms stay around because they have something they want to say. Now, unfortunately, they’re not very direct when it comes to expressing their needs. The best way to listen to a mindworm is to act as a medium, allowing yourself to channel the mindworm’s ideas into a creative application. Once the pastel or brush is in your hand, sit back and let the mindworm go.

Music: Although genetically related, earworms and mindworms do not make happy bedfellows (perhaps because they both demand to be the center of attention). So invite an earworm in. It’s best if you surround yourself with the music of your choosing. Car stereos on the highway seem to be particularly effective, especially if you sing along.

Gum: No, really. Perhaps it’s the rhythmic movement of the jaw or the addition of another foreign object in the head, but gum seems to act as a mindworm deterrent. This is a great strategy to use when you’re busy. After all, you can’t exactly start bench-pressing the conference table in a meeting or blast Metallica at your child’s soccer game, but you can slip in a piece of gum.

Write: Mindworms are a bit narcissistic. They think their message is the most important thing ever. So indulge them. Publish their words in your journal. And then put your own spin on it. You see, mindworms are good at starting a story, but they’re famous for leaving off the conclusion, which makes their tales endlessly cycle. So create your own ending when you write.

Mindfulness Walk: Mindworms are resistant to traditional meditation techniques. In fact, they can easily turn your om moment into a wrestling match. It works better to sneak up on them with your mindfulness. Thus the walk. A mindfulness walk starts with an intention. For example, you can decide to focus on all of the doors in the neighborhood, or on everything that is the color red or on all of the sounds. Then, one foot in front of the other while gently refocusing the mind on the intended target.

These techniques are not only effective for removing a mindworm infestation, they also seem to have a preventative effect. So, make sure to visit them often in order to keep your mind free of these pesky parasites.

Post-Divorce Growing Pains

Posted on June 9, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I spend my days working with adolescents and my evenings working with the recently divorced. And apart from the taste in music, I increasingly find that the two groups share many growing pains as they navigate one of life’s major transitions. Both teenagers and the recently divorced are:

Learning to Be Independent

The teenagers I work with are just beginning to form their own opinions and beliefs apart from their parents. They are practicing how to navigate the world without an adult stepping in and taking care of business for them. After divorce, people are also learning to be independent, teasing out their own opinions from those of their spouse. They may have to take on new tasks that were once the domain of their partner. In both cases, the additional responsibility is scary yet the increasing independence is empowering, building confidence with each step.

Playing With Identity

I am no longer surprised when a previously preppy student comes in with hot pink hair or a teenager who listened to One Direction one week proclaims to love hard core rap the next. Young adults are famous for trying on and discarding identities like blue jeans in a dressing room. The recently divorced also have a tendency to play around with identity. The old identity no longer fits and it takes time (and some trial and error) to figure out the new one. With the divorcee, this exploration often extends to trying on new careers, new cities, new hobbies, new “types” when dating and a new appearance.

Struggling With Insecurity

Teenagers are notoriously insecure. They pull their hair down over their pockmarked faces, hoping that nobody will notice their pimpled skin. They stress over class presentations, convinced that their classmates are secretly laughing at them. The insecurity of the newly divorced is enhanced by a feeling of rejection. They worry that they are too old, too fat or too damaged to reenter the dating scene. Both groups can be found posting excessive selfies, not to show off, but to build confidence.

Trying to Make Sense of Emotions

Teenagers can be loving and sweet one moment and screeching baboons the next. They don’t mean to, they’re just trying to make sense of the world through the chaos of their changing brains and growing bodies. Their divorced counterparts may not be dealing with an influx of hormones, but they are learning how to deal with emotions powerful enough to level small towns. In both groups, expect plenty of tears, lots of shouting, out-of-control laughter and a rapid-fire switch between the three.

Scared and Excited About the Future

As high school approaches, my 8th graders lose their confidence and seek more attention from their teachers. They’re excited about the next chapter, but they’re also scared. Scared of new demands. New people. New responsibilities. And more opportunities for mistakes. After divorce, the future is also both scary (What if I never love again? How will I survive on only income? What if I only attract toxic relationships?) and exciting (I get to rebuild my life the way I want! I can finally buy that blue sofa he hated! I get a chance to date and explore new people!). Whether you are launching or relaunching, it’s not easy.

Figuring Out How to Belong

Middle schools are organized by cliques. And teenagers spend an inordinate amount of energy navigating these groups and figuring out where they belong within them. And there is always drama as allegiances are built and disassembled. After divorce, people have to renegotiate relationships with friends and family members. Lines are drawn. Friendships are dismantled. And new social groups are often sought.

Negotiating Boundaries

Teenagers negotiate for freedom yet crave the security of boundaries. They push and push until they hear “no” and then they push some more just to make sure. The recently divorced are also negotiating boundaries. With their ex and also with themselves. It’s a time of change. The freedom feels good to an extent. But it’s also good to know the limits.

If you’re feeling crazy after divorce, don’t worry. You’re just experiencing growing pains. Handle yourself the way you would a changing teenager. And find some relief that adolescence is just a phase.

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