Top Ten Posts of 2019

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – 7 Reasons Your Ex Getting Married is the Worst (And 7 Reasons it’s Not)

This has been a leader for a few years now. I think people are caught off guard with the intensity of their reaction when they learn that their ex is getting married and they turn to Google to validate their feelings and reassure themselves that they’re not alone. I also created a video this year that addresses the topic.

 

2 – Subtle Signs You’re Being Manipulated by a Covert Abuser

Covert abuse is sneaky. Knowing the signs is the first step in protecting yourself.

 

3 – 5 Things You Don’t Understand About Divorce Until You’ve Lived Through It

I don’t think any of us knew what to expect before we went through divorce ourselves. This post is both validating of your experiences and helps you understand while some people in your life may struggle to “get it.”

 

4 – Finding Happiness After an Unwanted Divorce

When you’ve been hit by the Mack Truck of an unwanted divorce, being happy again feels impossible. This post helps to reassure you that it’s not.

 

5 – Is it Love? The False Dawn of a Rebound Relationship

It feels real. And you desperately want it to BE real. But there is a reason that those early post-divorce relationships don’t tend to last.

 

6 – Five Empowering Ways to Recover From Gaslighting

Gaslighting leaves you feeling so confused and powerless that it’s difficult to see the way out. This post gives you actionable strategies that can help you heal.

 

7 – How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

The first one is awful. And subsequent ones can still be a bittersweet reminder of what was loved – and lost. I share ideas what what you can do before, during and after that day to help ease you through.

 

8 – 15 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’ve Been Cheated On

After being cheated on, your mind is a swirling mess of emotions. These 15 questions act like a guide rail to help you find your way.

 

9 – Ten Metaphors For Divorce

These are a mixture of eye-opening and funny as divorce is compared to everything from a favorite sweater to a visit to the eye doctor. Which do you relate to?

 

10 – The Importance of Feeling Safe in a Relationship

I wrote this post after I realized how little we talk about the importance of feeling emotionally safe in a relationship. Based on the views and the reaction on Facebook, it’s a conversation that needs to happen.

 

Did You Miss These?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My newly planted plants managed to survive the freeze with only cosmetic damage. It’s funny, similar damage used to devastate me. Now? I just shrug it off. I know that the wilted and damaged tissue will fall off of its own accord in a matter of days and that in a few weeks, there will hardly be a scar.

And now that the weather is in agreement with the calendar again, I’ve returned to yard to tend and water and plant some more.

With my hands busy in the garden, they have been idle at the keyboard.

The following are some posts that, according to the numbers, there’s a good chance you missed. Why not check out one that piques your interest?

Rewriting the End of a Relationship We often underestimate the power we have. Learn to embrace it.

Bust a Rut Sometimes life doesn’t allow us to change at our own pace.

Sacrifice Surprise – this can be a reason marriages end.

Growth Mindset in Marriage There’s a reason this trait is prioritized by job interviews.

The Anti-Victim Use these strategies to empower someone else. Or maybe even yourself.

Debridement Hard to read. But powerful lessons to learn.

Progressive Resistance It doesn’t get easier. You get stronger.

The Faux Commute Some take it literally. Others stick to metaphor. But we all have something to learn on this drive,

Outsourcing You can’t outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

You Are Not Your Divorce Sometimes we need a reminder and a little perspective.

Confirmation Bias in Marriage Strive to see with your eyes rather than your assumptions.

The Forgotten Lesson

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes I miss the year of tear-stained cheeks.

Not the piercing pain. Or the perpetual confusion. And definitely not the ever-vigilant fear.

But the constant reminder of what really matters.

And what is just noise.

It was like the trauma itself acted as a filter. In order for something to register, it had to be at least as loud as the pain.

And that left quite a bit disregarded on the floor, rated as unimportant compared to the major life themes coursing through my mind on a daily basis.

I found myself surprised by some of the experiences that did register. A respite in the February sun trilled louder than my keening. Appreciation for a surprise snack of succulent fruit sounded above the din of my panicking brain. I accepted invites without hesitation, regardless of what tasks needed to be accomplished by some pressing deadline.

I have allowed myself to forget this lesson.

With no filter in place to separate the critical from the inconsequential, I have permitted the noise to deafen me.

Apparently I need a refresher course.

Be Where You Are for Dummies, Part II.

Class is in session.

What You Were Looking For in 2014

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Every January, I enjoy looking back at some of the search terms that lead to my blog. Some are obvious (“marriage ended”) and some make me question humanity (“how do I get away with bigamy?”), but many simply make me chuckle. Here’s a collection of some of the funnier search terms from this past year along with the link to the piece they found:

“Bon Jovi stalker” I never quite reached stalker status, but I did secure a rubbing from his name carved into the Alamo.

“Happy birthday to my car” Apparently lots of people like to wish their cars happy birthday. Mine will celebrate its sweet 16 this year. Maybe then it can drive itself:)

“My wife is lame” Do you mean she has a limp?

“I’m a lame duck husband” Maybe you should meet the woman referenced above.

“Heart beans”  What does this mean? Will somebody please tell me????

“I am an introvert that wants to be real assassin” And apparently a real felon too. I’m not sure how much introversion has to do with wanting to take people out.

“The end!!!!!!!!”  Lots of people find me by looking for information about endings. No one else has been this excited though.

“The grass is always greener on the other side except over the sceptic tank meaning in marriage” Ummm…. No comment.

“Commit bigamy” Why do I read this as though it is a command?

“Spilled coffee in my Acura navi buttons” And then you ended up wasting valuable clean-up time reading about divorce. I’m sorry.

“Clean up Aisle 21!” Somehow I think this was meant to be read into a microphone rather than typed into the computer.

“Shaved monkey” Very carefully. They bite.

“Gerard Poujardieu” Yeah. I miss him too.

“What is the soulmate switch?” No idea. If you find out, please let me know.

“Eau de Sasquatch” Eau all right. I hope this wasn’t a gift for somebody.

“A bone to chew with you” Why do I feel like I need to apologize?

“Chutes and Ladders for financial advice” Generally I would recommend a financial advisor rather than Hasbro, but to each his own.

“All terrain pug” It makes me smile to think there could be another one out there.

Want to read my advice to the great searchers of 2013? You can!

Roadmap to Healing After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

healing map linear

 

healing map nonlinear

 

A. Your world collapses. You do do too. You feel like you’re coming undone at the seams and ever being okay again seems impossible.

B. Little by little, you start to make some improvement despite yourself. Maybe you go a few hours without crying. Perhaps you sign up for a class or start to exercise in an attempt to regain some control and to better yourself.

C. All of sudden, you feel invincible. Giddy, even. You feel as though you lost the dead weight and now you can fly. Maybe you feel a spark with someone and it ignites something within you. Perhaps you’ve conquered the legal divorce and it’s given you confidence.

D. This fall feels even worse than the first. It makes you question if you will ever really be better. If your spark is extinguished, you may find the secondary pain even worse than the initial trauma. This plummet may come when the honeymoon period after divorce expires. Regardless of when it hits, it feels hopeless.

E. You plateau for a time. The baby steps forward are so small, you don’t even notice that you’re starting to make incremental progress. This is when you’re building your roots; the progress may not show on the surface, but you’re doing the deep work that allows future growth.

F. You start to climb again. This one feels different than before. Where the first improvement was spurred by outside forces,  this one comes from within. It’s not an express lane to the top, but you sense traction on this climb. It may be slow, but it’s steady.

G. This is often the frustrating period. You’re making progress within the big picture, but the periodic slides backward keep you distracted from your gains. This is where the traps lie. And you have to disarm them to escape them.

H. Healing reaches a critical mass and begins to happen faster. Good days accrue into good weeks and even great months. You gain perspective, looking back and seeing where you have been. You’re surprised to realize that you’re even better than before.

The struggle has made you strong. The suffering has made you grateful. The journey has made you wise. And the fall has made you humble.

 

photo-64

 

Here’s my timeline from healing after divorce. Caution: results may vary:)