Virtual Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b

He noticed her as soon as her entered. An older woman, well dressed, standing at the counter watching the gemologist examine a rather large stone under magnification.

As my husband completed his transaction, paying for the new battery and taking possession of his watch, he couldn’t help but overhear the exchange between the woman and the expert.

“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t know how else to tell you. The stone isn’t real.”

“The bastard!, she exclaimed,”The other one wasn’t real either.”

Through the remaining conversation, my husband was able to glean that the woman had recently been divorced and the jewelry was awarded to her in the proceedings with an assumption as to its value. Only now she was learning that part (or maybe even all) of what she thought she had to her name was worthless. And a lie.

Perhaps she was spoiled, and looking for more than her substantial settlement, but my husband read her as more panicky than pampered.

When Brock recounted this story to me, my first thought was to the duration of the deception. Did her ex husband gift her that jewelry twenty years ago with false stones in place from the beginning? Or, as I was afraid my ex may have done, were the real stones replaced at some point with lookalikes so that the husband could surreptitiously withdraw from the marital funds?

My heart ached for the woman. Not only does it hurt terribly to discover you’ve been living in a virtual reality, it is disorienting beyond belief once those goggles come off and you have to decide what is real. And what is illusion.

The mystery of the woman and the ring mirror the one question about my first marriage that still haunts me – did I marry a false man or did I marry a real man who was replaced at some point with a counterfeit? 

That’s one mystery that will never be solved. All I know is what he was at the end was certainly no diamond, despite how he acted.

And when I went to sell my ring at the conclusion of the divorce, my stone was still real. I guess he wasn’t clever enough to squeeze that stone for cash. Thank goodness for small blessings:)

A Divorce Proposal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I think we can all agree that ending a marriage should require at least a conversation.

But that doesn’t always happen. All too often, because of cowardice, denial or just plain dirtbaggery, one partner makes the decision unilaterally and simply walks out the door with hardly a “good bye.”

And for the one left behind, the abruptness is devastating. Confusing. Even dehumanizing as such an important conclusion was reached without any input or consideration.

Of course the, “I want out” conversation is one that nobody wants to have. And it’s not surprising that some people simply find a way to sidestep the discussion on their way to packing their bags. But maybe, just maybe, if we can reframe the end of a relationship in the same terms as we use for the beginning of a relationship, we can encourage people to have the talk.

Rebecca Wissink offers a new way to think about the conversation that proceeds the signing of separation papers – the divorce proposal. Read about her idea here and let her know what you think.

Divorce Season

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always sad to me how many new readers I gain in late December and early January. From a blogging perspective, sure it’s nice to see an uptick in stats, but from a human perspective, every new reader represents one more person facing a painful (and frequently unexpected) divorce. I often wish I had no readers.

In family law and counseling circles, the period after the holidays is sometimes referred to as “divorce season,” a several week period characterized by an increase in couples filing for divorce and/or revealing their intention to divorce. These decisions are rarely sudden, rather they are a compilation of growing dissatisfaction partnered with the demands of the holiday season. Even in the case of a tsunami divorce, where one partner was blindsided, the other usually had been planning his or her exit for some time.

So what exactly is it about the holidays that leads to an increase in divorce?

Once More For the Kids/Family

For those with kids or traditional family gatherings, the thought of announcing the demise of a marriage shortly before the holidays is fraught with questions and dilemmas. Do you show up at Aunt Dorothy’s asa couple even when you both know you’re not? Do you allow the kids one more Christmas under the family tree before you alter their world? The holidays are often seen as a time for family and togetherness; it can be easier to feign this rather than fracture it right before the season.

Trying to Soften the Blow

If you have made the decision to leave and you want to try to make it as easy on your partner as possible, you may make the decision to wait until after the holidays to hopefully lessen some of the pain of being alone. Or, the exiting spouse may fear the thought of being without the kids or family on the holidays and postpone the announcement until after the festivities. Divorce is rough regardless, but being alone when it seems like everyone else has someone is especially painful.

New Year/ New You

For many, the new year contains a sense of renewal, of promise. If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a marriage that is holding you back, the spirit of the season may be the deciding factor on when to call it quits. Holiday advertising campaigns can compound this drive, as they continually bombard us with messages of “trading up” to a newer and better model.

The Tipping Point of Holiday Stress

You and your spouse may enter the season with no thoughts of divorce but with marital stress already pulling at the seams. In these cases, the added pressure of travel, family and financial stresses can act as a tipping point in the marriage. When a faltering marriage is exposed to outside demands, it is all too easy to take it out on your spouse and allow contempt to take hold.

Expectations and the Media Message

Despite the media portrayal of perfect holiday cheer, the holidays are a difficult time for many, especially those who have experienced family trauma or are prone to depression. The gulf between reality and expectations can grow exponentially during this season, leaving some feeling hopeless and disconnected, withdrawing from the marriage out of pain.

No matter when your marriage ends, divorce is rough. Don’t underestimate its impact and take care of yourself.

Did any of you experience the end of a marriage that coincided with the holiday season? What factors led to your divorce at this time of the year?

When Would You Want to Know?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock and I have been talking a lot about marriage lately – our own, others and just marriages in general. Last night, on the drive home from the last holiday party of the season, he asked, “If your ex had come to you and admitted he screwed up, would you have wanted to stay and work on the marriage?”

“It depends,” was my initial response. “If he came to me towards the end, after years of lies and betrayal, it would have been too late.”

“Yeah,” Brock uttered in agreement.

“But if he had come to me early on, before it went on too long, then I would have tried to make it work.”

“Makes sense. I know I would do anything I could to save our marriage if there was a problem.”

And I believe he would; he’s not the type to try to hide from a problem.

But then the conversation took a different turn, discussing what happens when a spouse screws up once. We both agreed that in that case, we would not want to know as long as the offending party accepted responsibility, addressed the underlying issues that led to the infidelity and ensured it never happened again.

In other words, if the spouse made a mistake in judgment rather than possessed an error in character, we wouldn’t want to know about the situation as long as it could be remedied and a repeat avoided.

I feel weird even writing those words. After all, the secrecy and lies are what ultimately tore apart my first marriage. And the thought of my spouse withholding such sensitive information causes me some distress.

But knowing it wouldn’t be any better.

These mind exercises are challenging for me. I’m one of those people absolutely built for monogamy. Hell, I even turned my cheek the first time Brock tried to kiss me because there was another man in the picture. When I am in a relationship, I develop a sort of tunnel vision where I don’t even recognize other men as potential partners and, if I ever feel an attraction to somebody, I make sure that I am never in a situation that could lead to making a bad decision.

So I struggle to even imagine how someone who has overall good character can make a mistake that leads to infidelity. But I know it happens. Even good people can make bad decisions.

It’s what you do after that defines you.

It was a strange conversation to have with my husband, essentially laying out a roadmap of what to do in case of infidelity:

1) Set yourself up to be successful; avoid potentially dangerous situations.

2) If you screw up, take responsibility and fix it (STD testing, counseling, etc.).

3) Don’t reveal to simply alleviate guilt. And never, ever shift the blame to your partner.

4) If you need help, get it.

It felt odd to talk openly about these worst-case situations, especially because in my first marriage, any talk of infidelity was simply, “Don’t do it.” (And we see how well that turned out!) But we’re all human and humans can make mistakes.

It’s what you do after that matters.

That doesn’t change the fact that I desperately hope this remains nothing but a thought exercise!

How about you? Are there situations where you would rather not know?

The Good Men Project has a new Facebook page that is all about relationships. Check it out!

Is Having a Back-Up Husband Prudent or Perilous?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I read that a recent not-too-scientific survey found that 50% of women had a back-up husband in mind, I was incredulous and more than a bit surprised. My first thought was for the husbands, wondering if they had any notion that their replacement was apparently standing at the ready. I then pondered if the men-in-waiting knew they were a consolation prize or a safety net and how they might feel at being placed in that role. I then contemplated the women that were either unsure of their marriages or so afraid of the thought of being alone that they always made sure to have another man at the ready.

It seems risky to me to have this sort of mindset. If you have a back-up husband, there must be some energy going into the relationship with him to ensure that he stays close and available (and are there really this many men that are willing to be held in limbo for an uncertain amount of time???). It is almost like the existence of a back-up husband increases the need for a back-up husband. If that energy was put into the primary relationship, perhaps a Plan B would never be required.

Of course, sometimes no matter how much effort we exert, marriages end. And it’s scary to be alone. Daunting to face dating again. Risky to expose vulnerabilities in new relationships. Perhaps there is some prudence to having someone already selected for the role.

As someone who is generally risk averse and a planner by nature, my back-up plans usually have back-up plans. So purely as an intellectual exercise after reading this study, I surveyed the single men in my life to see if any could be candidates for a back-up husband.

And even though they are great guys, awesome friends and would make great partners for somebody, I am not that person. In fact, the mere thought made me feel kind of squicky.

Even though I know firsthand that marriages can end, I don’t want a back-up husband.

I’d rather invest 100% into the marriage and risk losing it all than to spread myself so thin that no relationship really has substance. I would rather count on my own strength to see me through than believe I need a man to support me. And I would rather nurture a supportive group of friends that can act as a safety net than quietly court a man-in-waiting.

Back-up husband? No thanks.

I’d rather have my husband’s back and take my chances.