Rewrapping Divorce As a Gift

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This piece from two years ago is still one of my most popular and shared and has garnered some of the more interesting responses. It seemed appropriate to share it again.

I was asked to write this piece by an editor at The Huffington Post. I knew they wanted the salacious details. I also knew that I wanted to show that no matter how bad things are, you can can use them as a springboard to something better.

 

As we continue in the holiday season and many of you continue on in your divorce journeys, remember that we cannot always change our circumstances, but we can always change our attitude. And that may be the best gift you can give yourself.

Rewrapping Divorce As a Gift

My divorce certainly did not present itself as a gift, trussed up with a big red bow like a Lexus in a Christmas commercial. Instead, it was a big ugly box, filled to the brim with explosives. It was a present I never anticipated and one I never desired. But, as it came with a “no return” policy, I was determined to make the best of it.

I was with my husband for 16 years. Sixteen good years. Little did I know a tsunami was forming beneath the placid surface of our marriage. A tsunami that reached land one afternoon when I received the following text message:

“I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I am leaving you and leaving the state.”

The warning sirens never sounded.

Click here to read the rest.

Innocent Spouse Relief

Posted on by stilllearning2b
innocent spouse relief

I’ve been receiving more questions about this program offered by the IRS, so I figured it was time to dedicate an entire post to the subject. Please note that I am not a tax expert (nor do I want to be!!!). I am simply sharing my experience, summarizing the information from the IRS and pointing you in the right direction for further resources.

From my book:

I received a notice that I had a certified letter ready for pick-up. My stomach dropped, as I had been conditioned to certified letters signaling more money owed or another bomb ready to drop. When the postmistress placed the stocky envelope in my hands, she uttered an apology.

“Sorry. It’s from the IRS. Nobody likes to get those.”

I thanked her and moved to the side of the room bracing myself against the green tiled wall as I slid my finger under to the flap to break the seal.

“We have determined that you are eligible for Innocent Spouse Relief.”

I let out a sharp cry as I slid to the floor, grasping the stapled pages in both hands. The tears began, falling from my eyes that tracked that single line again and again. The postmistress looked up, concerned. Leaving her current customer, she lifted the hinged counter section, kneeled next me, and inquired about my well-being.

“I’m great,” I said through the sobs. “I got Innocent Spouse Relief. The IRS gave me the justice the courts never did.”

“That’s great, honey,” she replied, looking equal parts relieved and confused.

Hours went by before I was able to read more than that single sentence. There was a 90-day waiting period where Timothy would have a chance to contest before they would issue a check. I did not care. I was fixated on that single word, “Innocent.” After enduring the months of attacks by Timothy and his attorney, and internalizing some his lies, I felt such relief at the conclusion reached by a third party.

I had long since given up my faith in labels, but that simple declaration from the IRS freed me from bonds I was not aware ensnared me, releasing me in the way that I expected from the court ruling.

My tax problem was one of several bombs in those first few days. My first indication of a problem came in a thick envelope just days after I received the text. The letter was very threatening in tone and it was clear it was not the first notice. It was simply the first notice that he couldn’t intercept. This one stated that we owed almost $3,000 for taxes from 2007. $3,000 that I didn’t have. And, to make matters worse, he had taken all of the financial files with him as well as the computer that was used to prepare the taxes. I had to order my own tax returns from the IRS to try to figure out what happened.

I had neither the constitution nor resources to go to battle with the IRS at that point. I was simply struggling to survive. So, using money gifted from family, I sent them a check. Over the next few months, two more letters came in about two different years. I cut two more checks.

I was furious. At this point, I had received the returns and discovered that he made false deductions. $10,000 to charity??? I probably dropped some stuff off at Goodwill but I don’t think my old jeans and some video tapes were worth quite that much. He had always been the one to prepare our taxes (yes, I trusted him completely) and, with electronic filing, I didn’t even have to sign in the later years.

I looked at the thousands I sent to IRS up as simply more money he stole from me. I lived in fear of another audit and more money owed. I tried to find comfort in the fact that the legal divorce at lease promised me that there would be no new tax problems cropping up.

Months after the divorce was final, my dad called me with some news.

“I just heard about a program with the IRS, innocent spouse relief, that I think may help you. I’ll send you the link.”

I remember clicking that link, skimming the fact page it led me to and starting to shake. It felt too good to be true. At that point, I had lost all faith in the system. My ex never followed the divorce decree, leaving me with a house entering foreclosure. He was already showing signs of failing to meet the requirements of his felony charge for bigamy (there’s currently a warrant for him). And, finally, it looked like the IRS could possibly, maybe provide some justice. It was a long shot; the majority of applicants for relief are turned down. But I was going to give it my best shot.

I printed out Form 8857, Request for Innocent Spouse Relief.  I had to chuckle when they asked me for his current location and contact information; he could have been anywhere from Georgia to hell – I had no idea and didn’t want to know. I completed the form as best I could. But I didn’t stop there. The form only provided a laughable three lines to explain the circumstances. I attached around forty additional pages of background story. Essentially, I was trying to get them to see the whole picture.

I assembled anything I could to help them understand what happened. I included the papers about his felony charge, emails from him that ensnared him in lies, reports from the police, the divorce decree (which indicated his liability to assume the tax debt) and evidence of his lack of participation in its demands. I even threw in his mug shot for a little flavor. I felt like an attorney assembling a case. Which I pretty much was. By the end, I complied a 4″ stack which I sent to the IRS in a box.

And then I waited. Periodically, I would receive letters that they were considering the case. Then, about six months later, I received the letter that stated relief would be granted. He had 90 days to contest it and he never did. I don’t even know if they ever found him. Over the next few months, I received checks refunding the extra tax that I had paid and now the debt is firmly on his shoulders.

A side note: Georgia also has a state income tax. The process with them – from the initial letter demanding payment to the final granting of relief – has run about two years behind the federal case. Luckily, I did not have to mail a box to the state; they simply required the letters of relief from the IRS. I’m not sure how the other states handle this, but I would expect it is much the same.

From the IRS website, you are eligible for innocent spouse relief if you meet all of the following conditions:

  • You must have filed a joint return which has an understatement of tax;
  • The understatement of tax must be due to erroneous items of your spouse;
  • You must establish that at the time you signed the joint return, you did not know, and had no reason to know, that there was an understatement of tax;
  • Taking into account all of the facts and circumstances, it would be unfair to hold you liable for the understatement of tax

Here’s the IRS list (with all of the if-thens that make you feel like you’re reading code!) that helps you determine your eligibility. Just reading it makes my head hurt.

You must also file within certain time limits (this used to be two years but has since been lengthened and made more variable depending upon type of relief requested. The IRS considers many factors in deciding whether to award relief. From what I call tell, they are looking for evidence that the petitioning spouse had no knowledge of the erroneous information, has made changes to remove themselves from the situation and was a victim in some way or incapacitated during the marriage.

Here are the factors that I believe helped my case:

  • The divorce decree stated that he held the tax liability.
  • He was charged with a felony (unrelated to taxes, but still indicative of fraud and deception).
  • He demonstrated a history of deception, financial and otherwise.
  • He removed the financial files from the house.
  • I immediately paid the monies owed as soon as I found out about them.
  • He prepared the taxes.
  • I documented the emotional and financial impact that the divorce and associated problems had on me.
  • I provided the IRS with multiple pieces of evidence for each claim as well as a thorough description of the situation.
  • He failed to uphold the conditions of the divorce decree or the diversion granted in the criminal bigamy case.

Innocent spouse relief is not easy to obtain. Like anything with the IRS, there are confusing forms and rules that seem to be an endless shifting target. There are tax attorneys that feed on this and offer their services – at a steep price of course – to help you with your case. I never had that option nor do I expect most people requesting relief have those kinds of resources idly sitting around.

My suggestion? If you think you qualify, set aside a weekend to print the form and assemble your case. It may be time well spent. And, if you’re like me, receiving an official document that names you an “innocent spouse” can be worth more than the checks that follow.

To contact the Innocent Spouse Relief department:

1-855-851-2009

IRS

Innocent Spouse

Stop 840-F

PO Box 120053

Covington, KY 41012

Related:

The First Tears of the New Year

An Open Letter to the IRS

Marital Fraud: Questions Answered

The Four Agreements in Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
four agreements in divorce

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. I’ve already explored The Four Agreements in Marriage and The Four Agreements in Wellness. Those were easy applications. After all, those are areas where your intention is to be honest and want to be your best. Now, for the hard one – The Four Agreements in divorce. How can these covenants help you navigate such an awful time with more dignity and awareness? Can these promises actually hold true while in midst of a life disintegration? Can they help to provide support and focus intention in those darkest of days?

I think they can.

The dictionary lists “acceptance” as one of the synonyms of “agreements.” Perhaps that is a better approach when it comes to divorce. After all, you may not agree with the divorce, you most likely do not agree with your spouse or ex spouse and you certainly don’t agree with the courts. But you still have to accept it if you wish to find peace. So, bad grammar aside, here are the four acceptances of divorce:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

“I can be impeccable with my word. He/she is a #$%@! Did you hear the latest?”

I think we have all been there. Refraining from badmouthing your soon to be ex is a daunting task. He or she may appear to have morphed into some cartoon villain, fiendishly planning attacks while safe in his or her secluded lair. You feel justified in your verbal besieges; after all, you’re just responding to the volleys thrown at you.

But step back a moment. Where are your utterances really coming from? You’re hurt and speaking out to try to distance from the pain. You’re scared and trying to armor yourself with words. You’re angry and slinging insult-trimmed arrows. You’re sad and seeking comfort from others.

Are your words really about your ex? Or are they about you?

Is it more impeccable to say,

“I’m frightened. I haven’t been alone in a long time and I don’t know if I can do it. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be a good parent for the kids. I’m worried that I can’t be strong enough for them.”

or

“My ex is such a terrible parent. Every little things is a battle. I don’t even think he/she thinks about the kids, much less wants to be there for them.” ?

This acceptance was extremely difficult for me. I felt justified in my anger and outrage and I needed to express it. I felt like he had stolen my voice by refusing to talk, so I screamed instead. I poured pages of vitriol into my journal, I sent him scathing emails and I cursed him to others.

But on some level, I knew that, while purgative, those strategies were limiting. When I painted him as the villain, I cast myself as the victim. To release my bindings, I had to release him as well.

Do not expect perfection of yourself with the acceptance. You will be disappointed. Rather, keep it in mind and strive to express what you’re feeling underneath the chaos of the split. Try to avoid blaming, either yourself or your ex. Try to accept the entirety of your ex, from the person you loved to the one you no longer know. Speak to them both.

Related: The Blame Game

Don’t Take it Personally

I hadn’t read the book yet, but this little acceptance changed my life. When I embraced this message, I began to forgive and to release the anger. Before that point, I saw him as deliberately working to destroy me. On some level, I pictured him plotting in his basement office, stroking the soul patch on his chin,

“Let’s see… I’ve already maxed out this card. Hmmm…I know! I’ll use the one in her name so that she has to deal with it later. Okay, now that the financial ruin has been planned, what else can I do? Well, obviously, an affair would be upsetting. Now, where can I find a willing woman? Oh, and at some point, I’ll have to leave her – yeah, that will really destroy her! What would be the worst? In person? Phone call? Letter? Sticky note? Skywriting? I know! I’ll do it with a text message. She’ll never see that coming!”

Pretty crazy, huh? I was taking it personally. In reality, he was not thinking of my well-being any more than I considered his during the divorce. Once I realized that his decisions and actions were about him, not me, I could stop reacting defensively and start seeing more rationally. He was hurting too.

It is difficult in a divorce to not take things personally. After all, you two were a partnership, a team, and now your partner has been recast as your adversary. It’s a wake-up call to realize how individual we really are. You were married to each other, yet you each experienced the marriage through your own experiences and perceptions. We can have empathy for another yet we have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our egos take a beating in divorce. They perceive any attack as directed and they try to fight back. Put down the gloves and accept that the ego is simply protesting, much like a child throwing a tantrum. Let it cry. Let it scream. And then wipe its tears.

Related: Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through

Don’t Make Assumptions

Divorce is a time of great unknowns. Our brains hate the unknown, those gaps in the narrative. They strive to fill in the missing pieces. The medium used? Assumptions.

We assume we know why our ex is acting a certain way. We assume we know how he or she will respond. We assume that their actions and words accurately reflect their beliefs (as though they are impeccable when we are not).

We respond to assumptions rather than reality, building an entire relationship based upon an ever-weakening foundation of expectations.

We reach conclusions before we listen. We anticipate before we observe. We expect instead of accept.

Assumptions are a surefire way of maintaining your suffering. You are all but guaranteed to be hurt and disappointed when you live off expectations. This is yet another way that we can keep ourselves in the no-responsibility victim role, as we can see our hopes dashed again and again.

A divorce begins with letting go of the assumption that your marriage would last forever. The pain of the divorce will continue as long as you hold on to your other expectations. There is peace in letting go.

Related: Quitting vs. Letting Go

Always Do Your Best

Be gentle with yourself. You have suffered a great loss.

Be patient with yourself. It takes time to heal.

Be loving with yourself. You are deserving.

Be kind to yourself. You are not your mistakes.

Be firm with yourself. Always strive to do better.

…and recognize that your ex is probably doing his or her best as well.

Accept.

The Four Agreements in Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a homework assignment for my recent girl’s weekend, I was asked to read The Four Agreements. I was fully willing, but somewhat skeptical, since as the only child of a counselor, I was raised on a steady diet of self-help. I think I overdosed.

After the first few pages, my skepticism was replaced with excitement and understanding. This was one book that made sense to me.

The premise is simple: four agreements that, if followed, will change your life. The book is short and the agreements are extremely simple but nowhere near easy. They are applicable to every area of life and manage to be general and still useful all at once. They are interconnected; one always leads to another.

As part of my own work with The Four Agreements, I am drilling down and applying them to various areas of life. Here is my take on The Four Agreements in marriage:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

In essence, this agreement is your promise to say what you mean and to avoid speaking against yourself or others in fear, pain or blame. In a marriage, this means to refrain from using words such as “always” or “never” when referring to your partner’s actions. The agreement suggests that speaking in blame is not being impeccable since the underlying motivation does not match the message. When speaking to others about your spouse, avoid endless complaining, as this only serves to reinforce those beliefs. Also, avoid speaking against yourself, saying words that diminish your value and worth.

I am working on this agreement in my current relationship. When I get frustrated, I find myself running an internal (sometimes it slips out!) dialog cataloging his wrongs and missteps. Or, I berate myself endlessly for my role in some screw up. To be impeccable, however, is to speak in love and kindness, forgiving both he and I in the interest of a better relationship. To help with this, whenever I am frustrated with him, I intentionally catalog his gifts and blessings or my own, if I am speaking against myself. In this way, the words and the intent match.

Don’t Take it Personally

No spouse enters into a marriage as a blank slate. They have a lifetime of hurts and fears that they carry with them. Any reaction they have is filtered through their unique experiences and views. It is so easy to react to every word or action as being directed to you, but the reality is that they are operating from their own place. You are not the center of their world; they are. It’s strange, it’s easy for us to identify the multitude of factors that influence our own thoughts yet we seem to think that our partners somehow don’t posses that complexity. When you feel attacked by your partner, don’t take it personally. Try not to be defensive by realizing that they are projecting their own fears and wounds. If you can remain open, it is possible to work down to the root cause of the verbal strike.

I’ve shared my struggle with this issue with Brock. I am learning not to take it personally when he needs distance; it is not about me. Likewise, he does not take it personally when I need time alone to decompress and recharge.

Taking things personally has been my biggest challenge of all of these. As life so often does, it is making sure that I get repeated lessons here. By choosing to share my writing (and my life) publicly, I have been the target of many attacks. I have come to learn that when someone (especially a stranger) is so threatened or incensed by my words, that they are really a trigger of some other event in their life. It’s not about me.

Don’t Make Assumptions

My 8th grade social studies teacher had the following bumper sticker posted on his board: “Never assume because all you do is make an ass out of u and me.” I’ve never forgotten that message, although, like all of the agreements, it is easier said than done:)

In a marriage, assumptions allow us to feel judged and can keep us in a victim role (not exactly an attractive trait in a partner). It’s easy to assume you know your partner’s motivations and to assume that they understand yours. Before you respond, ask. Find out their perspective. And then listen. The worst part of assumptions is that they prevent us from really listening to our partners. It’s amazing how much your attitude can be transformed once you release assumptions and become open to possibilities.

I find at times that I will predict Brock’s response to something before I even bring it up. Then, I respond to these assumptions, at times getting upset before I’ve ever given him a chance. Crazy, right? But does it sound familiar?

Do Your Best

One of my favorite aspects of yoga training is that you are encouraged to do your best on that day; it recognizes that “best” is subjective and movable. In a marriage, be gentle yet firm with yourself. Expect your best and accept where you are in that moment. Recognize that your spouse is doing his or her best, even when it may not feel that way. Part of doing your best is to do things for your spouse without any expectations. You do your best for you, not for recognition.

This is an area where Brock has really helped me. I used to be too hard on myself and not forgiving of periods of anger or sadness. He helped me accept that I was doing what I could at that moment and that the moment would eventually pass.

So, don’t take it personally, but do your best to check out the book (don’t assume you know what it says) and see if I’ve been impeccable with my word:)

Next up, the four agreements in divorce (that’s gonna be fun!) and in health/wellness. Okay, maybe I’m a little obsessed at the moment:)

Can’t Get No Satisfaction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In yoga the other day, the instructor guided us into some complicated pose. I think it was called half-twist Bavarian pretzel with a side of mustard. Or something like that. After we had been twisted and balanced for what seemed like a decade, she said,

“Notice where you are in the pose today. Are you satisfied?”

(No.)

“Are you ever satisfied?”

(No. Damn it, why does she have to go all insightful on me when I am just struggling to not fall over and make a fool of myself?)

I walked out of the class an hour later, legs shaky and my mind still contemplating the question of satisfaction.

Do I have it? Do I even want it?

I know I have moments of satisfaction. That feeling after a good meal or the contentment I had looking at my friends on the picnic blanket last weekend. I experience it when I teach a good lesson and I see lots of “ah ha’s.” I feel it when my book sales go up or when Brock and I seem particularly close. I am satisfied with my performance in the gym when I hit my goals and with my achievement on the trails when I make good time.

So why did I immediately think “no” when the yoga instructor asked if I was ever satisfied?

Because it never lasts. Fulfillment in one moment becomes a lack in the next. The contentment is fleeting, taking over the body with its big sigh and then moving on, leaving a void behind with its big exhale. A need to be fulfilled.

Being satisfied with everything as it is sounds wonderful. One hundred percent permanent acceptance sounds like some wise yogic key to happiness.

But would that really be so great? Like eating one meal and never again feeling hunger. There would be no drive, no growth, no purpose.

To be fully satisfied would be to be completely stagnate.

My answer to the instructor is still “no,” I am never really satisfied. But that’s okay. It means I will always have something to work towards.

Like a full twist Bavarian pretzel with a side of mustard pose:)