Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?

 

You know not to alienate the children from their other parent.

From the day this all began, you vowed to not withhold the children from your ex. And you’ve stuck to your word, fulfilling every scheduled visit and being careful not to not restrict access.

Yet you’re starting to see that access isn’t enough to maintain a parent/child bond and you’re worried for the kids as you see the distance growing between them and their other parent.

So you try to step in, to encourage the kids to connect and to compel your ex to put forth more effort into establishing a relationship. You beg, you implore, you question and you grow increasingly frustrated at the situation. You struggle to understand why they’re not prioritizing the kids and every time you see your kids disappointed, your heart breaks a little more.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –  

You can’t create, maintain or improve the children’s relationship with the other parent. All you can do is provide access and refrain from mudslinging. The rest of the work is up to them.

What you can do is to continue to be there for your children and reassure them that their parent’s behavior is not their fault or their responsibility. You can teach them empathy and help them understand that even adults struggle to manage things sometimes.

Your ex may step up and form a relationship with the kids sooner rather than later. They may keep their distance for a time, only to develop a meaningful bond with their adult children. Or, as much as it pains you, they may never connect with their children. Let go of the illusion of control over that outcome.

 

You know not to badmouth your ex in front of the kids.

Chapter 1 of How to Divorce With Kids is, “Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the kids.” Everyone knows it and most try to follow this guideline, setting aside their own feelings for the sake of the kids.

So you bite your tongue when little ears are listening and save your tirades for more private times. You carefully craft your responses to difficult questions to avoid implicating your ex.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

You have to make an effort to not compromise your ex’s new partner in the minds of the kids. Which, in cases where this new partner entered the picture before you left, is a very difficult task to manage.

But it’s important. For you, this other person embodies all of the bitterness and sorrow you feel, becoming more of a monster and less of a person. Yet for your kids, this person is another (perhaps significant) adult in their lives, someone they have to negotiate a relationship with and perhaps even learn to accept as a future stepparent.

When you allow your feelings for your ex’s partner to show (even if they’re un-vocalized), it creates confusion and tension for your kids. On the one hand, they want to be loyal and supportive of you and on the other hand, they don’t want conflict with their other parent.

No, it’s not easy and it’s often not fair. But your kids are worth the effort. So strive to separate what the other partner represents to you from who they are to your kids.

 

You know not to place the blame on the kids.

Children have a tendency to internalize everything. So it’s common that when they learn of the impending divorce, they think that it must be due to their refusal to go to bed on time last week or the tantrum they threw in the check-out line at the grocery store. And you know to reassure them that they are not at fault, that these are adult problems between mommy and daddy and that both of their parents love them so very much.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

One of the biggest struggles after divorce is the rediscovery of your purpose and when you’re a parent, that role and by extension, your children, fill that need nicely. Of course your kids are your biggest priority, but you have to be careful after divorce not to make them your only concern.

When the kids become your sole purpose for moving on and pushing through, you’re inadvertently putting all of the responsibility for your well-being on their tiny shoulders.

And that’s a huge burden for them to bear. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself while also looking out for them. Model for them what true independence and perseverance look like. In the end, that will serve them better than you existing only to fill their needs.

 

You know to be available to talk when the kids are ready.

You end the dreaded “We’re getting a divorce announcement with, “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” And you mean those words. You frequently check in with your children and you’re ready to drop everything and listen whenever they’re in the mood to open up.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

Especially if your children are in or approaching double-digit ages, you may not be their preferred go-to when they are struggling with the divorce. It’s important for you to provide access to other safe adults for them to talk to and to let them know that it’s okay for them to open up.

It can be stressful to think about the details of your divorce from your child’s perspective being shared, but if you deliver the message that the topic is taboo, it breeds a sense of shame and secrecy in the kids.

It is more important that your children are able to talk through their fears and concerns with somebody than it is for that somebody to be you or for you to control what information is revealed.

 

You know that your divorce impacts the kids.

Children need a sense of security and stability and divorce threatens both. Inevitably, children are affected when their parents separate. 

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

When you focus too much on the strain and impact of the situation, you may be unintentionally promoting a sense of victimhood in your children. Too much emphasis on what happened emphasizes the lack of control the kids have over the situation and gives them the feeling that they are damaged. Perhaps permanently.

Instead, focus on building grit. Share stories of overcoming adversity. Model and vocalize the power of choice in any situation. Acknowledge the impact the divorce has had on them yet also refuse to allow them to be defined by that singular event.

Fortitude and a sense of power over their own well-being are two of the biggest gifts you can give your children. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

The first one was hard.

It was our tenth anniversary.

The marriage was final.

But the divorce wasn’t.

I strategically scheduled a doctor’s appointment that morning so that I would have a valid excuse for not going into work that day. I suspected the tears were going to fall hard and fast throughout much of the day.

I was right.

I spent most of the hours curled on the loaned flannel sheets on my borrowed bed in the friend’s home that was my temporary sanctuary until I could function alone. The sobs came in waves, wracking my body as I tried to integrate the expectations I’d had for celebrating ten years of marriage with the reality that the marriage I loved had been a lie.

I tried to read, but my mind kept skidding off the page and landing on tortuous slideshow of memories. I tried to write, but those same thoughts that were so tenacious in my mind bottled up as soon as I picked up a pen. I tried to medicate myself into slumber, but my body fought to stay awake through the ceaseless hours.

At one point, I had the humorous, yet comforting, thought that because the marriage legally made it to ten years, I was eligible for his social security benefits if he were to die. But a payout from his untimely demise wasn’t what I really wanted.

What I wanted was for the whole thing to be a nightmare that I could still wake up from. What I wanted was an anniversary that was still a celebration rather than a memorial service.

Anniversaries after divorce are like a rotted section on a suspension bridge. We see them coming and dread the approach. We have to cross them in order to keep moving on. And if we don’t prepare, we can find ourselves injured or even risk a fall through the splintered memories. And like the confidence and pride that comes from successfully navigating tricky terrain, making it through an anniversary is a triumph.

Are you dreading an upcoming anniversary? If so, a little planning can go a long way to making the day as painless as possible.

Before the Anniversary

Celebrate Your Victories Thus Far (No Matter How Small)

On an anniversary after divorce, it’s easy to get down on yourself. You think about where you’re “supposed” to be in life and instead, you find yourself back at the beginning. Only this time older and more wrinkled. So before you’re swept away by the sadness of the upcoming day, take a few minutes to write down all that you’ve accomplished since the divorce (or separation). Don’t worry how small those victories may seem. They are your first steps. And don’t we always celebrate those for babies?

Physically Exhaust Yourself

You know that feeling you have after you’ve been on a long walk? That space where you’re drained of energy and filled with contentment and a sense of accomplishment? Find a way to get there the day before the big day. You’re draining anxious energy and allowing the body’s neurotransmitters to help uplift negative thoughts. Go into the day with a quiet body and let it educate the mind.

Put Your Support System On Alert

I don’t suggest a Facebook post about the looming date; not everybody needs to know. But I do recommend alerting those closest to you. It will help them be more understanding with you if you’re a little “off” and it will put them on notice that they may be called to be a shoulder to cry on.

The Day of the Anniversary

Plan An Undemanding Day

 Maybe you take a page from my playbook and schedule a “sick day.” Or maybe you have the grandparents watch the kids for the evening. Try to avoid too many mentally taxing tasks or high-pressure situations. If you do better alone, find a way to work that in. If being alone scares you, plan how to be with people. Work within your constraints and do what you can to make the day a little easier.

Stay Off Social Media

The last thing you want today is to stumble across somebody’s post about their new engagement or see a picture of a couple on their tropical getaway. And while you’re at it, you may be better off if you just avoid any media that you cannot control. After all, Netflix won’t suddenly bludgeon you with with a saccharine ad for diamond jewelry.

Embrace the Suck

 My initial reaction as my own first anniversary approached was to try to find a way to distract myself away from reality. But as I racked my brain for options, I realized that even a bottle of wine, a new Stephen King novel and a date to Cirque du Soleil with Brad Pitt wouldn’t be enough to keep my mind off my ex. On this day, simply embrace the suck. Remember that rotten patch on the suspension bridge? You just have to go through it.

Start a New Ritual (And a New Count)

Your brain is programmed to perform a count on this day. And rather than allow it to follow the easy path of continuing the would-be years of marriage for evermore, start a new count with a ritual all your own. For me, I don’t have a single event but since my divorce spurred my writing, I take that day to reflect upon my writing experiences. It feels much better to say, “I’ve been writing and sharing my story for 7 years” rather than, “This would have been my 17thanniversary.”

After the Anniversary

Shake It Off

There’s a good chance you woke up with an emotional hangover today. One of the best ways to treat this is to move. Shake it off. Let it go. Today is a new day.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Good

I am a huge proponent of what I call “scheduled smiles,” events on the calendar that you can look forward to. I recommend that there always be at least three of these on your upcoming schedule at any time. Make sure one of them is for the day after. It can as small as a pedicure or as grand as a cruise. The event matters less than the anticipation and the reminder that the tide always turns.

Celebrate With This Thought

You will neverhave to go through that again. Yes, you will have another anniversary next year. But guess what? It will be a little easier. Because you’ve successfully traversed those rotted boards before and now you bring experience and perspective.  Be proud of your progress and celebrate your triumph. You’ve made it!

Wondering when you will feel better? Here was my timeline for healing after divorce. 

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept that people need help at the beginning and at the end of life. Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

Here’s how to get it –

 

Friends and Family

 

These are probably the first people you will turn to. And with good reason. When you’ve lost a love, you want more than anything to be surrounded by people that love you. It can be challenging to share the news of the divorce with your friends and family; they will hurt for you and they may also be grieving the loss of the marriage. You may find it helpful to enlist a disseminator, a point-person who can share the news and salient facts to protect you from the painful repetition of the story at first.

Often, loved ones have a desire to help, but are unsure of what to do. Once you’re able, craft a message to send to your inner circle detailing what you need (food, outings, someone to watch the kids) and what you don’t (questions, platitudes, derogatory statements about your ex).

You may find that some people respond with judgment rather than compassion. You may have to put these relationships on the back burner for a time until you’re ready to handle their comments. This is a time to surround yourself with people firmly on Team You. No apologies needed.

 

Community

 

Friends and family are great, yet they have their limitations. They may getyou, but they don’t necessarily get what you’re going through. Divorce has a way of making you feel like a pariah in your own life. And that’s why divorce communities, either in-person or virtual (like DivorceForce!) are so important. You learn you’re not alone, you can gain information and understanding from others facing the same and you can find hope from those that a little further along than you. And they’ll also listen to you when you’re friends are telling you to “Just get over it, already!”

Be mindful of the tone and culture of the group you select. It may feel good at first to be part of a congregation that plays “Pin the Tail on the Ex” at every gathering, yet that focus won’t help you much in long run. Instead, look for a community that accepts where you are and has a goal of helping you move on to where you want to be.

 

Local Networking

 

Maybe you’ve moved to a new neighborhood and you need help finding a good babysitter. Or perhaps your spouse always took care of the painting and now you need to hire it out. Those little details of daily life can become overwhelming during divorce and, as they’re frequently accompanied with a move, they can become downright impossible to manage. And during divorce, networking and creating local relationships often takes more time and energy than you possess.

Luckily, there’s help. The Nextdoor app puts you in virtual touch with your neighbors. Without actually having to summon the energy to talk to somebody or even to get dressed, you can find out everything from a neighbor you can let your dog out to learning the best place to sell your wedding ring. It helps to alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety that arises when you’re suddenly left to do it all on your own.

 

Social Contact

 

Between the stigma that often still surrounds divorce (some people seem to think it’s as contagious as a cold!), the awkwardness that develops in a friend group when a couple splits and the demands that divorce makes on your time and energy, it can be challenging to maintain your former levels of social contact.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

This can be a great time to reconnect with old friends who knew you before your marriage. It can also be a great time to meet some new friends (even if temporary) who will not view you as “the divorcing one.” A group such as MeetUp can provide no-pressure social contact alongside a shared interest. And if all that feels too overwhelming, at the very least spend some time in public at the periphery of a crowd. It serves as a great reminder that you’re not alone.

 

Professional Support

 

I don’t think anyone can make it through divorce without at least some professional help. If you’re having trouble sleeping or are experiencing signs of anxiety, depression or PTSD-like symptoms, locate a psychiatrist, as you may benefit from some medication. If you are having trouble processing the divorce and its associated emotions, call a therapist. If your symptoms are presenting physically (which is quite common), you may need a visit to your doctor.

Professional support can also come from a religious leader to help you navigate this change through faith, a divorce or life coach to help you take charge of your future and even a financial advisor to help you plan your budget. Don’t try to it alone. Let the professional carry some of your burden while you rebuild your strength.

 

No-Judgment Journal

 

The headspace during divorce can get downright ugly. You may have thoughts and fears that don’t feel safe to disclose even to your closest friends or your caring therapist. This is where the journal comes in. It can take any form – written or recorded, paper or digital, neat or messy. Allow it to absorb your tears and your fears. This is your uncensored space. Where you can let it all out without worries of being judged or facing repercussions for your outbursts.

While there are many ways to journal and no rules that must be followed, I have a basic strategy that I often recommend: Each time you write, begin by purging the “yuck.” Let it all out until you’re drained of its energy. Then, explore your current worries. Those “what ifs” and fears that keep you up at night. And begin to explore possible solutions along with tempering those run away emotions with some rational thoughts. Finally, end each session with hope. With dreams and inspirations for your future. Even if you have no idea how you’re going to get there, the act of writing down your dreams helps you believe they can come true.

 

Sanctuary Space

 

It’s so important during divorce to have a safe space that you can retreat to when the world becomes too much. Perhaps it’s your car, with its soundproof doors, endless supply of music and ability to take you away.  Or maybe you indulge in luxurious sheets and pillows that make your bed feel as welcoming as a hug from a caring grandmother.

The location and the specifics of the space don’t matter. It simply needs to feel safe and welcoming. A place where you can simply be you and get a little distance from everything else. A word of caution here – sanctuaries are intended to provide respite. If you stay in your safe space for too long, it becomes a prison.

 

During divorce, allow your support system to be your scaffolding, buttressing you until you can again stand tall on your own.

Five Empowering Ways to Recover From Gaslighting

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recover gaslighting

I’ve written about why gaslighting is the worst. Here’s just a snippet:

It’s horrifying when you realize that the person you love, you trust, has been slowly and intentionally lying and manipulating you. It’s like that nightmare you had when you were 5 where Santa Claus suddenly turned into a monster. Only this monster is real and you shared a bed with them

Of course, if you’ve lived it, you already know that.

So here are five things that you can do now to help you recover and to allow YOUR light to shine bright again!

In all of my divorce, the single most painful event was an email, sent to both my mother and to his other wife a mere day after he was arrested for bigamy. In the message, he created and twisted stories that painted me as controlling, greedy and impossible to live with. This was followed by a paragraph about how wonderful his new wife was and how my mother would simply “love to meet her.” And all this from a man that had professed his love to me less than a week earlier.

That letter stung. Badly.

Until I finally recognized it for what it was – a physical manifestation of the gaslighting that I had been subjected to for the past several years.

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Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates and controls by morphing reality.

It can be …

1) Form of denial:

  • “That didn’t happen.”
  • “You’re remembering that wrong.”
  • “That’s not what you saw.”

2) Providing false and plausible explanations:

  • “The account is overdrawn because the bank messed up.”
  • “The boss needed me to work late and my phone’s battery was dead.”

3) Character assassination:

  • “You are always negative.”
  • “You’re too sensitive.”
  • “My husband is terrible to me and the kids.”

It often involves projection – accusing the victim of what the abuser is actually doing.

Gaslighting is a subtle abuse, existing below the surface of consciousness while it’s happening. But it’s a relentless abuse, persisting and even growing long after the abuser has gone. It impacts your ability to trust – others and even more importantly, yourself and your own perceptions. It encourages obsessive thought about the past, endlessly sorting through memories looking for false facades that you believed were real. Gaslighting often leads to relentless overthinking going forward, a hyperawareness of your surroundings in an attempt to spot any irregularities. It’s a seed of doubt planted deep in your brain that wants to keep growing.

It takes time to recover from gaslighting, to separate the truth from the manufactured and to learn to trust your own judgments. The following strategies can help you move on from your abuser’s influence:

No Contact 

I was lucky, although it felt like anything but at the time. My soon-to-be-ex-husband refused contact. At first, I saw it as an additional layer of cruelty. Later, I realized it was exactly what I needed to begin the healing process.

So often people aren’t even aware that they were gaslighted until they’ve been free of it for several months. If at all possible, institute a no contact policy with your ex. If you have to maintain connection, email is best so that you have an evidence trail of what was said. Create firm boundaries with yourself in regards to communication and be alert to any signs of further manipulation.

Create Distance

I found a note in my mailbox from my former husband’s employer and a mutual friend, asking me to call her. Expecting shock and support, I was caught off guard when she said that she didn’t blame him for leaving after the way I had been acting. Apparently, he had been feeding her stories for years, painting me in a bad light and making him seem like a hapless victim.  Even though she asked me to keep in touch, I never spoke with her again.

Even if you’re not in contact with your ex, their sphere of influence may extend into yours. If they have intentionally attacked your character to others, you may need to refrain from contact with those who believed the fictitious stories. Some may come around in time. Some never will.  The additional fallout is sad, but you need to make yourself the priority right now.  Surround yourself with people that are committed to you.

Reality Anchor

After receiving that letter, I gathered emails and documents that systematically refuted each of his claims about me. They weren’t hard to find. I added to that pile a printout of his mug shot. That stack of paper was then tucked into my purse for the next few months. And every time I felt doubt taking hold, I would pull out those papers and remind myself of the truth.

Find your own reality anchors – tangible and irrefutable reminders of the truth – and keep them close to you. They are a security blanket of reality while you’re dealing with the confusion of gaslighting.

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Rebuild Your Self-Image 

I used to think I hated mums, the ubiquitous fall blooms. It was only years after the divorce when I realized that the flowers actually made me smile. I had only claimed to hate them because my ex-husband did. His manipulations and my receptiveness had blurred the line between his thoughts and my beliefs. I had to rebuild my self-image from the ground up, not as he saw me but as I saw myself.

When you’re being gaslighted, you are inadvertently allowing somebody else to tell you who you are and what you believe. It can be scary to begin to voice your opinions and perceptions again. It can be overwhelming to get to know yourself again without outside influence. This is a time to shed all of the assumptions you have about yourself. Be curious. Be open. Try things on. And rebuild yourself one step at a time.

Take Responsibility For You

I am a firm believer in personal responsibility. Even with all that happened to me before and during my divorce, I realized that if I continued to see myself as a victim, I would remain a victim. I began the hard work of learning to trust my intuition again. I made inroads into understanding how my own past and temperament contributed to my situation.  I refused to ever again trust somebody else more than I trusted myself.

And that’s the ultimate freedom from gaslighting – taking back the strings that control your life.

7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

Posted on by stilllearning2b
children

I was in elementary school when my parents divorced and my dad moved out. I remember being confused – how could a family suddenly be not-a-family? I was sad – not only did I miss my dad, but I saw that mom was hurting. And I was ashamed, concerned that somehow my friends would judge me and my family because of the split. As I grew older, I began to internalize some of the events and developed a feeling that I wasn’t enough.

There’s no doubt about it, their divorce impacted me.

And not all of the effects were negative.

In fact, I now credit their divorce (and the way it was handled with me) with being the source for some of the most important messages I received in childhood.

I know that divorce is the last thing you ever wanted your children to experience. But there are ways to make the best of it.

Seven Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

It’s easy to focus on the harm that divorce brings to children. After all, it’s no secret that the dissolution of a household is traumatic to all of its inhabitants and that children have a tendency to internalize and personalize the marital issues around them. Yet pain is not the only offering from divorce; it also provides opportunity. The following are seven vital lessons that children can learn through divorce:

1 – Loss Is a Part of Life; We Inhale Love and Exhale Grief

Everyone remembers their first major loss – whether it was the death of a childhood pet, the passing of a grandparent or the separation of their parents. This manner in which a child’s first experience with grief is handled sets the stage for how loss is perceived for the rest of their lives.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to begin to accept that life is filled with beginnings and endings. It is an occasion for them to become familiar with the particular nature of grief as they learn to ride its ebbs and flows.

It is a classroom of sorts, a time for teaching about the importance of remembrance and ritual and for discovering the power in letting go. It can be a time for learning that it’s okay to feel all of the emotions. And also to not feel anything at all.

Divorce is a time of rending, yet it also can be a time of sewing the guiding threads into the fabric of your children’s spirits. Let this experience give them the courage and the wisdom to face life’s other hardships and unavoidable losses.

2 – Change Is Inevitable and Always Awkward at First

 

I remember being so sure – “I will ALWAYS love Cabbage Patch dolls.” “I will want waffles for breakfast for EVER and EVER.” And of course, as I told my friend confidently one day, “My parents will NEVER divorce.”

And then inevitably, my interest for dolls was traded for an enthusiasm for pop stars, I grew tired of waffles and my parents split up. Because, as I was beginning to learn, change is a certainty.

Kids (and most adults) struggle with change. They become irritable or withdrawn as they adapt to a new school or even a new teacher. They grapple with the transformations of their friends and friend-groups as the years progress. When the hormones hit and the growth spurts stretch their limbs, they rattle around in their new bodies until they finally settle in.

Divorce is a time for acknowledging the challenge that accompanies change, as the whole family learns to navigate a new reality. It is an opportunity to address the constancy of transformation and the balance of learning when to steer and when to let go. When the focus becomes more on adaptation rather than resistance, change becomes easier. And it’s possible to dance even before you’ve fully found your sea-legs.

3 – Humans Are Fallible (and Parents Are Human)

 

Like many kids, I put my parents right up there with Wonder Woman and Superman when I was little. They were all-powerful, always knew just what to do and could do no wrong. And then one day, my father sat me down and told me he was moving out. Which meant that somehow my parents didn’t have everything figured out.

I remember becoming fascinated with the hidden internal life of the adults around me. I started to catch the little twitch of uncertainty in my teacher’s eye as she disciplined the class troublemaker. I noticed the tinge of fear on my doctor’s face as she escorted a family back into the waiting room. And I became aware of the sadness and hesitancy within my own parents as they ended their marriage.

In some ways, learning that adults didn’t know everything was a scary realization, as the metaphorical safety net lost some of its bindings. Yet it was also comforting to discover that I wasn’t expected to undergo some sort of super hero training before I could obtain my adult status.

Divorce is a window for children into the lives of adults. It’s a time to normalize the human experience and remove the shadow of shame that can follow on the heels of a perceived failure. During divorce, you can not only show your children that you’re human, you can give them permission to imperfect as well.

4 – Wishes Are Not Enough and You Can’t Control the Way the Wind Blows

 

“Close your eyes and make a wish,” we’re told every year through childhood. Later, we’re cautioned that if we reveal the desire, it won’t come true. But we’re rarely told the truth that wishing isn’t enough and that there are some things that we cannot influence.

Kids often grapple with understanding the difference between wanting something and having something. They can’t yet comprehend the limits of budget or the constraints implied by time and distance. This same illusion of desire can easily follow divorce, as children believe that they can bring their parents back together through mere will alone.

It’s a painful awareness, that simply wanting something to be true cannot make it so. Yet, it’s a valuable lesson and one better delivered early in life. Because the sooner a child understands the limits of their influence, the sooner they can begin focusing on tuning the instruments within their own orchestra.

 

 

5 – When You Own Your Own Stuff, Nobody Else Can Own You

 

Your kids learn from watching you.

When they see you implement and uphold boundaries, refusing to be the doormat for some else’s dirty shoes, they learn that it’s okay to say “No.” When they witness you being gracious in spite of pain, they begin to understand the power of kindness. When they watch you take a deep breath and take a big leap, they learn that you can act in spite of fear. When they notice that you avoid blaming their other parent and instead you find a way to make it work, they learn the limitations of victimhood.

During the uncertainty and sorrow of divorce, you can teach your children the power of choosing how you respond. You can model for them how much a reaction – or non-reaction – can alter a situation. And you can help them learn to take the responsibility for their own choices and responses because once they can do that, they can do anything.

 

 

6 – Life Can Be Hard, but It Goes On

 

When learning about their parent’s upcoming divorce, many kids first response is a question, “But will [my birthday, Six Flags, my recital, etc.] still happen?” Part of this comes from the natural self-centeredness of children and part of comes from their need to know that their life, even if it looks somewhat different, will still continue.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to learn that life, although difficult at times, still goes on. The dog still needs to be fed, the homework must still be completed and summer vacation is still on the horizon. Life is a series of moments. Some bring smiles and some bring tears. And there’s always another moment waiting in the wings.

 

 

7 – A Parent’s Love is Bigger Than the Sky

“If you can fall out of love with daddy, can you fall out of love with me?”

Those were the words my client’s daughter uttered after learning about the upcoming divorce.

“Never. A parent’s love for their child is special. It is bigger than sky and deeper than the deepest ocean. It goes on further than the furthest telescope can see and shines brighter than brightest star. I know a lot of things have changed, but my love for you never will.”

And right there, in those words, is the biggest lesson you can give your child through divorce. That no matter what, you will always love them.