We accept the people need help at the beginning and end of life.
Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.
You will need help.
But how do you get it? Finding the support you need can be challenging, especially when you’re likely facing time and money constraints. Here are 7 ways that you can find and create the support you need until you can stand on your own again.
Day Twenty-One
Divorce, especially if it involved infidelity or abandonment, does quite a number on your confidence. It’s so easy to internalize any messages of rejection.
Today, commit to trying any one of these 21 ideas to help you boost your confidence after divorce.
And, if you’re starting to doubt that you’re strong enough to handle all that is coming your way, read this.
You’re awesome. Never let somebody tell you otherwise.
Day Twenty-Two
Sometimes you simply can’t be the bigger person. Sometimes you just have to let it all out – complaints, frustrations, snark and all. Some of this is purgative and some is ego-saving. And the rest is just the temper tantrum of a hurting heart.
It’s okay to vent.
Be careful who receives your unloading and don’t abuse their willingness to listen. And when you have their ear, don’t hold back.
Day Twenty-Three
It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the emotional impact of divorce and neglect the practical matters. Set aside an hour to create a short-term budget based upon your current and foreseeable situation. It doesn’t need to be perfect and don’t expect it to be permanent. It’s just to ensure that you have an idea of what is coming in and what is going out.
Day Twenty-Four
Take a baby step towards better.
The first month is spent dealing, not healing. Yet even though you’re having to expend your energy on the inevitable crises and changes and even though the tears are still a daily companion, you can start to take the first, small steps to your new life by memory layering.
Think of one event or location that reminds you of your why-aren’t-they-ex-yet?. Take a deep breath and visit that place with somebody(ies) else. Memories of your ex will surface. Let them. But also strive to intentionally start to create some new memories associated with that place. As the layers build over time, the memories of the ex will slowly be replaced with newer recollections.
Day Twenty-Five
Scream.
Yell.
It’s not fair.
You don’t deserve this.
You didn’t plan for this.
Divorce sucks.
I’m sorry.
Day Twenty-Six
Hope is powerful. If you know how to use it.
Find a physical representation of what you want your new life to be like. Your seed. You don’t have to plant it yet. Or water it.
Just know that it is there when you are ready.
Day Twenty-Seven
Start to identify your purpose. Your identity.
You were more than your marriage and you are more than your divorce.
Find yourself again.
Begin to craft your life mission statement.
Don’t stress – it’s just a rough draft.
In fact, the editing process may never end. And that’s okay.
Day Twenty-Eight
Write your goals for the next year. Let some be small and easily attainable. Allow others to be dreams that seem to grand to achieve. Don’t censor yourself; let the ideas flow.
Remember that gratitude list? Post your goals next to it.
It’s a reminder to be okay with where you are at the same time to want to be better tomorrow than today.
Day Twenty-Nine
Celebrate your progress. What have you accomplished in the past four weeks that you thought you couldn’t? In what way(s) have you progressed? It’s okay if it’s small – a full night’s rest, a day at work without tears. Every improvement is a victory. Treat it as such.
If you have been journaling, this is a great time to look back at your first entries to see your progress in black and white. You may find that you don’t even recognize that earlier version anymore.
Day Thirty
One month. You’ve made it.
You’re further along than you were 30 days ago.
And yet you’re still at the beginning.
Divorce is a marathon. Not a sprint. And you have to learn how to run the mile you’re in.
Every person is different. Every divorce is different.
And every timeline to healing is different. But here’s an idea of what you may expect.
And even though it doesn’t necessarily get easier.
You get stronger.
And one day, you’ll realize that your divorce has made you even better than before.
Click here to read how to get through days 1-10!
Day Eleven
Breathe. In times of trauma and transition, it’s all-too-easy to limit the breath. Set aside some time, sit or lie down in a safe and comfortable space and invite the breath in. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest and feel them expand.
You are learning to breathe again.
Day Twelve
Watch your words.
Be careful what you say to others. Once it is uttered, it cannot be unsaid. Speak what you feel. Give voice to your fears. Try not to lash out in blame.
Be mindful of what you say to yourself. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. To thine own self be kind.
And when you slip up (and you WILL slip up), be gentle with yourself. And vow to keep working at getting better.
Day Thirteen
Take note of your support system. Who and what do you have in place to help you through the next several months? Are there any gaps? Brainstorm how to fill them in.
Compose a message to your primary supporters. Let them know specifically what they can do to help and also communicate anything you don’t want from them.
Day Fourteen
Get outside. You’ve spent two weeks feeling like your world is over. Get into the environment (I don’t care if it’s too hot/ too cold/ too wet – just do it!) and observe the natural cycles and the grand scale of life.
Your life isn’t over. It’s a season change. A painful and sudden one. But a change, not an end.
Day Fifteen
Give yourself permission to grieve. You may feel as though you don’t have the right to mourn because everyone involved is still alive. You may feel as though you have not earned the right to be sad because you were somehow not enough. You may feel pressure and blame from others for “failing” at marriage.
That’s all bullocks.
Divorce is a loss not only of the past but of the imagined future. And it hurts like hell.
Day Sixteen
Lose yourself. Allow yourself to be fully consumed by something – a book, a movie, a Netflix binge, a birthday party, a day at the zoo with the kids.
For a few hours, set aside reality and just be in the moment. When the intrusive thoughts come, gently push them away with a promise to attend to them later. If you’re afraid they’ll ruin the day, set aside some time before the escape to cry yourself dry. I promise, it helps.
Day Seventeen
Tackle the task you’ve been putting off. Maybe this is starting to pack some items. Maybe it’s telling the kids. Or maybe it’s some paperwork the lawyer has asked you to assemble.
Divorce is full of unsavory assignments. And as with anything, procrastination only prolongs the dread. Striking that one thing off you to-do list will help you feel a little lighter. A little more hopeful.
Day Eighteen
Move. Whether you’re vibrating with anxious energy or you feel drained of all vitality, exercise will help you feel better. This doesn’t need to be anything fancy. You’re not looking to win any awards or even to commit to a program. Just move.
Go for a walk, take a yoga or Zumba class, or even just spend some intentional time stretching your body. When we’re stressed, the mind and the body disconnect. Make the intention of the day to begin to reconnect your mind and your body.
Day Nineteen
You don’t have to wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.
So today, find your smile again. You may have to hunt for it. The effort is worth it.
Day Twenty
You have lost so much. You are hurting and scared. Lost and lonely.
But that is not all you are and all you have.
Write a gratitude list (nothing radical yet, that comes much later), enumerating all that you currently have in your life to be thankful for.
Post the list where you see every morning. And read it as you begin each day.
There is beauty still in your life. Embrace it.
Every year I have some kids who break my heart.
It happens as soon as I task them with completing some assignment and they whisper to me with down-turned eyes, “I’m not smart enough.”
And my heart breaks for the broken spirit of the child.
Because the truth is, there are very few kids that are truly not smart enough to understand the math I teach and those are never even in my class.
But I can see how some may conclude they are not smart enough. After all, they see some of their classmates tearing through assignments like a kid at Disney World. They hear others volunteer answers before they have even processed the question. They feel their struggle while they see others’ successes.
But the problem is not that they aren’t smart enough.
Maybe they are not skilled enough, having missed earlier important concepts.
Maybe they are not present enough, excessive absences interfering with their ability to comprehend the material.
Maybe they are not supported enough, missing out on the help needed at home or at school.
Maybe they are not focused enough, allowing in outside distractions that make it difficult to think clearly.
Maybe they are not disciplined enough, forgoing homework for the call of video games and not participating in the needed practice.
Maybe they are not understanding enough, ignorant of their own ways of learning and demonstrating knowledge.
Or maybe they are not confident enough, perceiving themselves as lacking in some fundamental way that is fixed and rigid.
None of those things have anything to do with smart.
And all of those things can be addressed.
And overcome.
To expose the smart kid that was there all along.
Hiding behind those limiting beliefs.
———-
With adults, I rarely hear, “I’m not smart enough.” Yet I often hear, “I’m not strong enough.”
And it breaks my heart to hear the broken spirit.
Because the truth is, there are very few adults that are truly not strong enough to overcome the challenges that fall into their path.
But I can see how some may conclude they are not strong enough. After all, they see others speak and write and sing about their own journey and the conquering of it. They see others reach the finish line of their trauma before they have even finished processing their own. And they feel their struggle while they see others’ successes.
But the problem is not that they aren’t strong enough.
Maybe they are not skilled enough, having missed earlier opportunities to practice struggle and the overcoming of it.
Maybe they are not present enough, not able to put the time into healing that it requires because of other demands.
Maybe they are not supported enough, lacking the buttressing effect of family, friends and professionals.
Maybe they are not focused enough, allowing in outside distractions that make it difficult to think clearly.
Maybe they are not disciplined enough, electing to avoid the pain rather than face it and move through it.
Maybe they are not understanding enough, unaware of their own needs and what tools are effective for them.
Or maybe they are not confident enough, judging themselves as broken and somehow less than others.
None of those things have anything to do with strong.
And all of those things can be addressed.
And overcome.
To expose the strong person that was there all along.
Hiding behind those limiting beliefs.
———-
In the classroom, I work to help figure out what needs each kid has and then we work together to discover what methods and tools best meet those needs. I act as a cheerleader when they’re discouraged and a butt-kicker when they’re trying to avoid. I reveal my own struggles to them and help them to see their own strengths. I give them opportunities to shine when the quick-to-get-it kids often falter and I praise the effort that moves them forward. I highlight their progress, comparing them to themselves rather than to anybody else.
We talk about how everybody has some things that come easy and some things that don’t. And how often those that struggle become the better for it. They laugh when I tell them that math was my worst subject and that I almost failed Algebra II. They laugh, and then they smile because it gives them hope.
In the adult world, I do much of the same. I help people figure out their own needs and what tools will best match those needs. I encourage when the spirit is down and kick some butt when it is dragging. I share my own struggles (and the struggles that others have made public) and I help them to see their own strength. I look for opportunities for them to shine when maybe the quick-to-heal folks still stumble. I highlight their progress, comparing them to their earlier version rather than to somebody else.
We talk about how some people seem to move through trauma easier than others due to a blessing of biology, support, environment or prior experience. And that some may have to struggle more to get there.
And that struggle can make you better.
I had one client that had a life relatively free of trauma until a big one that sent her to me. She knew that it was harder for her to deal with the situation than others because as she was processing the pain, she was also doing the hard work of identifying her own strengths, weaknesses, needs and tools of best fit.
And she appreciated that effort even as it wore at her.
“I know this won’t be the only thing I have to go through in my life. If I do it well, it will serve me going forward and if I don’t do it well, it will become the thing that holds me back.”
And she’s right.
At the beginning, she wasn’t strong enough to reach the summit.
But she was strong enough to take the first step.
And then the next.
And each step built her strength.
Her confidence.
Her resolve.
YOU are strong enough.
I see it.
I want you to see it too.
And you don’t have to do it alone. Learn more.
My newly planted plants managed to survive the freeze with only cosmetic damage. It’s funny, similar damage used to devastate me. Now? I just shrug it off. I know that the wilted and damaged tissue will fall off of its own accord in a matter of days and that in a few weeks, there will hardly be a scar.
And now that the weather is in agreement with the calendar again, I’ve returned to yard to tend and water and plant some more.
With my hands busy in the garden, they have been idle at the keyboard.
The following are some posts that, according to the numbers, there’s a good chance you missed. Why not check out one that piques your interest?
Rewriting the End of a Relationship We often underestimate the power we have. Learn to embrace it.
Bust a Rut Sometimes life doesn’t allow us to change at our own pace.
Sacrifice Surprise – this can be a reason marriages end.
Growth Mindset in Marriage There’s a reason this trait is prioritized by job interviews.
The Anti-Victim Use these strategies to empower someone else. Or maybe even yourself.
Debridement Hard to read. But powerful lessons to learn.
Progressive Resistance It doesn’t get easier. You get stronger.
The Faux Commute Some take it literally. Others stick to metaphor. But we all have something to learn on this drive,
Outsourcing You can’t outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.
You Are Not Your Divorce Sometimes we need a reminder and a little perspective.
Confirmation Bias in Marriage Strive to see with your eyes rather than your assumptions.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 