Dogs Tell the Truth. People Tell a Story.

“Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer

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It’s no secret that I’m a fan of Cesar. His show, The Dog Whisperer, was some of the best therapy I received to help me with my anxiety and trust issues following the divorce. I used many of his ideas in my own life, thus earning him the moniker, The Life Whisperer.

Even though I was a fan, I didn’t know much about Cesar’s personal life apart from the show. I knew he was divorced, but I knew nothing of the circumstances or the effects.

Until yesterday.

Men’s Journal ran an excellent piece entitled, Rescuing Cesar, where he talks openly about a very difficult time in his life.

And, boy, do I relate.

Cesar sounds a lot like me – a hard worker who can be consumed with singular focus. While he was away for the show, his wife declared she wanted a divorce. He discovered that his financial standing wasn’t what he expected. His kids, and even his dogs, pulled away from him. He lost his pack in one fell swoop. His own tsunami.

About a year after me, Cesar was also crashing at another’s home. He also lost four pants sizes when the stress prevented the intake of food. He was facing betrayal of trust and the shock of loss.

He shares his brush with rock bottom and tells of the healing power of dogs. His description of his dogs surrounding him with affection brought tears to my own eyes. I have felt the caress of a dog more than once in my own low points.

Ultimately, for me, it was a dog that taught me how to trust again. Dogs tell the truth. When I met Tiger, I let him tell me about his owner. Through him, I was able to open my heart again.

The essay in Men’s Journal ends with Cesar describing areas where he still struggles. He says he is a “work in progress.”

Aren’t we all.

 

 

 

Life Whisperer

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I started watching The Dog Whisperer about a year after my sudden divorce. Much to my surprise, I learned even more about myself from Cesar Millan than I did about my dog. He always says in his show that he “rehabilitates dogs,” but he “trains people.” In my case, he helped to rehabilitate me after a particularly difficult time in my life. Here are the life lessons I learned from the Dog Whisperer:

Read the rest on the Huffington Post.

The Misuse of Affection

 

Kissing Black-tailed Prairie Dogs (Cynomys lud...

 

I’ve written before about how much I have learned from Cesar Millan – not just about dogs, but about myself as well.

 

10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer

 

One of Cesar’s common lessons has to do with affection. He cautions owners not to use affection when their dog is in an unstable mental state (usually anxiety, but also fear or aggression). He explains that by applying affection when the dog is unstable only seeks to reinforce that behavior. It’s completely logical, yet not always easy to do. When we see a distressed dog, our first instinct is to comfort it, to try to suppress its discomfort with love. That reaction backfires once the dog realizes that it can garner your loving attention by entering into an unstable place.

 

I’ve been thinking and writing quite a bit lately about my own unstable mental states (we all have a propensity towards one or more). For me, I struggle with becoming (and staying) anxious. I’ve worked on managing my anxiety most of my life and, other than the period after the divorce, it really has never interfered too much with my life. I’m not content with that; however, I want to try to figure out where it comes from and how it grew so that I can strive to venture into anxiety even less.

 

I realized that my ex played an unintentional role in nurturing my anxiety. He didn’t like to see me in distress. When I would get anxious, he would respond by becoming overly affectionate. He would soothe me with words and touch. It was great in the moment. But in the long run? Not so much.

 

It kept me from having to learn as an adult how to get myself out of that unstable state. But even worse, it rewarded anxiety with affection and loving attention.

 

Great. Just the association I want to have.

 

I never realized this connection while I was with him. Why would I? I had my needs met and my nerves soothed. It’s become clearer to me as I’ve gained distance and had to learn how to live first on my own and now with Brock. The first few times Brock didn’t immediately step in to pacify my fears, I was hurt. Upset. Even disgruntled. After all, I saw that as his role.

 

It’s not.

 

Slowly, I started to learn the difference between him being supportive when I truly needed it and enabling my disquieted mind. I had to discern the difference between affection coming from love and affection coming from a discomfort with my mental state. I had to learn how to soothe myself. I guess I hadn’t quite mastered that one in infancy:)

 

Again, I take a lesson from Cesar. He dictates approaching a dog’s behaviors with “exercise, discipline and then affection.” Turns out that sequence works pretty well for this human too. When my mind spins into anxiety, I start by going to gym or heading out for a run. Discipline comes in the form of writing, yoga or meditation. Finally, I’m ready for affection, which at that point, serves to reinforce my calmer state of mind.

 

Cesar says we don’t get the dog we want; we get the dog we need. In my case, I think I got the man I needed too.

BrockTiger

 

 

10 Life Lessons From the Dog Whisperer

Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “The Dog Whisperer?  That guy deals with…dogs. What on earth could he teach me about life?”  Remember that yours truly has found life and relationship lessons in barefoot running shoes, the actions (or lack thereof) of an elderly cat, a campground, and a fencing strip.  Oh, and I’m married to a guy who learns about life from the dojo.  So, see, life lessons from Cesar Millan is suddenly not so strange now, is it? Besides, his methods have worked to make my 95-lb pit bull  the world’s best dog!

 

 

1) Energy Transfer

Whenever Cesar meets with a new case, he watches the owner(s) interact with the dogs.  He pays more attention to the behavior of the owner than that of the dog.  His claim is that anxiety or a lack of confidence in the owner transfers to the dog.  He frequently says, “I rehabilitate dogs, but I train people.”  In our lives apart from dogs, we also transfer or energy.  If you find that you experience stress interacting with someone, check your own energy.  What are you responsible for transferring?

2) Don’t Grip the Leash Too Tightly

This is an extension of the lesson above.  When you watch the owners walk their troubled dogs, they grip the leash too tightly and pull with all their might if their dogs lunges at another dog.  This is transferring the anxiety to dog, but even more importantly, it is giving power to the anxiety.  In order to control the dog, the owner has to learn to let go of the illusion of control and has to begin to trust their dog.

English: Australian Cattle Dogs, Thommo and Du...

3) Prepare for Greetings

Cesar always prepares the dogs carefully before allowing them to enter a dog park or greet other dogs.  He makes sure that they are calm and submissive so that they are well-received by the rest of the pack.  It is worthwhile to check your own mental state before greeting someone.  I know I can come in from a stressful day and take it out on my boyfriend instead of pausing and waiting until my own mind was calm.  And, no, I’m not recommending that you start greeting people by sniffing their butts!

 

 

4) Work With Nature

According to Cesar, dogs process the world through their noses first, followed by their ears and eyes.  Obviously, we tend to use those senses in reverse and we all too often expect that from out pets.  Cesar advocated working with the nature of the animal so that you get the results you are looking for with the least amount of resistance.  Look around you.  Not everyone perceives the world the way you do.  Do you expect them to conform to you, or do you allow them to use their nature?

5) Be Aware of the Precursors

On the show, Cesar will often correct a dog when I cannot see any misbehavior.  Until the sequence is played in slow motion, that is.  Then, you can see a slight tuck of the tail or a tip of the ear, a slight precursor to the attack that is about to occur.  Cesar is so successful because he recognizes and responds to these early warning signs.  I know in my own life, I am often too busy to notice those little signs, much less respond so quickly to them.

6) Move Forward

When dealing with anxious or aggressive dogs, especially ones that he is trying to form a pack with, Cesar frequently begins by taking them for a walk or a rollerblade ride (I think he has a death wish here!).  His reasoning is that when the dogs are moving forward, it is impossible for them to focus on anything else. Now, I do think our brains are more monkey-minded than our canine friends, but we can still benefit from forward movement to calm ourselves.  So, when you are angry, sad, or anxious, try going for a walk.  Or a rollerblade ride if you’re more daring than I!

Cesar Millan, the dogwhisperer

7) Calm and Assertive

Cesar always works to get the dogs in a calm and submissive state.  The counterpoint to that in the owners is a calm and assertive state.  He is very kinesthetic and models what this looks like: shoulders back, head relaxed, arms relaxed.  It projects confidence and a calm mind.  When I feel stressed, I find myself emulating the body language of Cesar to trick my mind into responding.

8) Trust Your Senses

Cesar relies heavily on intuition; he does not spend too much time in the “thinky place.”  He trusts his instincts and, when he needs extra information, he trusts the instincts of his pack as they give him feedback on a new dog.  We all too often discount intuition and try to over-analyze everything.  Sometimes, it is better to trust your gut or the gut of a friend if yours is out of order.

 

 

9) See the Possible

About once a month, I see an episode with a dog that I think is hopeless.  Cesar doesn’t give up.  Some cases take longer and take more effort, but they can all improve.  He brings the worst cases to his ranch, where they are surrounded by a healthy and stable pack.  This is a good lesson in our own lives when troubles seem insurmountable.  Improvement is always possible.  Learn from Cesar, if you need more help, surround yourself with those who are healthy and balanced.  Their energy will transfer.  And, if that doesn’t work, maybe try chasing a tennis ball.

10) Redirect With Play

Need I say more?

Woof!  This post is Tiger-approved.