Guest Blog: The Stages of Recovery From the Women Who Made It

By Amelia Meyer

 

He always chewed his lip when he knew he was in the wrong and, as I sat across the room, waiting for him to speak, I saw him begin to chew furiously. “What’s wrong?” I thought maybe he’d bought another expensive bicycle with the money we had saved for a trip to England. Nope.

“It’s what you think it is.” Typical, he avoided uttering the words and made it seem like something that was already in my realm of imagination. It wasn’t. But I knew him well enough.

“Cheating?” It’s the only thing I really feared. I barely whispered it, but he heard it loud and clear, nodding.

We had been married for 9.5 years and I had no idea. Unbelievable, yes. Stupid, possibly. But the fact remains. In the weeks that followed, I experienced a type of pain I hadn’t imagined possible and all I kept asking anyone that gave me a few seconds of their time (and some who hadn’t) was, “Will I ever be ok again? How long does it take for this feeling to pass?” I needed to know that I would get out of that deep, black hole and be some kind of normal again.

FamilyToday, I’m a different person. I’m happier, stronger, lighter, calmer. But, over the years since my divorce, I’ve had to go through the motions (and emotions) with friends facing a similar fate. Today, they are at various stages of getting from that dreadful pit to where I am. I want to share their stories and mine as a kind of timeline, a glimpse into what to expect and what just cannot be controlled or changed. Everyone’s story is different – their love and their expectations were different. But, meeting women that have experienced the horror, regardless of where they are on the timeline of healing, does give some peace. It did for me.

MEET D – THE BEGINNING

D is still waiting for her papers, but heard only six weeks ago of her husband’s infidelity. She is still raw, reeling from shock and unable to see the glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know D to speak well of her husband always, to build him up in front of friends, and to give of herself to him and their marriage. Then, a few weeks back, he confessed to an affair with his masseuse, a place D had never thought to doubt him. He has moved in with her and her child, leaving D to juggle a world of hurt and betrayal alone.

  1. How do you feel right now?

Intense physical pain. Abandonment.

  1. Was your divorce expected? Why or why not?

Never. He preached loyalty no matter what to everybody who would hear.

  1. What do you remember feeling or thinking first?

Who is this man? I don’t recognize him.

  1. Have you worked through any of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance)? Where are you at the moment?

Yes, even acceptance. But, sometimes, I catch myself hoping/dreaming that he comes back and says he is sorry and made a mistake. I got so angry that I broke so many things in our house after I moved out. I just walked in there and started breaking stuff. Ornaments, microwave and printer to the floor. He called the cops on me. I just told them that it was my house and my stuff and they let me leave in peace.

  1. How do you feel about your ex right now?

He is an evil stranger who tells people that he is in love with this other woman because I was a terrible wife to him. He has me out of my house, out of my job (I worked for him), but I have chosen to let it go. I cannot allow his actions to eat at me like a cancer.

  1. What has surprised you during the break-up or how have you surprised yourself?

Just how cold and calculated he has planned this. His mother told me she always knew he never loved me. I did not see that.

  1. What goals have you set for the next three months?

Not to make any rash/big decisions. To keep a strict watch on my finances, and to stay ever closer to my God and my congregation.

  1. What has been your time-out when things get too much?

A walk. A bath. A cry on my best friend’s shoulder.

  1. If you knew then (maybe just before he told you) what you do now, what would you do differently?

I would just walk away immediately. Many of the things said and done between us during this time was humiliating to me and robbed me of my dignity.

  1. What advice do you have for others that may be at the beginning of this rough road?

Stay away from the alcohol unless somebody trustworthy has your car keys and your mobile phone, lol.

Continue to read the rest.

How to Audit Your Personal Energy Budget (And Why It’s Critical That You Do)

When it comes to your money, I expect that you have some sort of budget or at least a sense of what is coming in (and where those dollars are coming from) as well as what is going out (and some idea of what that money is being spent on). Additionally, you have learned that spending more than you’re earning will eventually lead to trouble and that to avoid this you either have to spend less or somehow earn more.

We have an understanding and acceptance that there has to be a balance between money in and money out. Yet when it comes to something arguably even more important – our own energy – we are often much more careless and frequently operating in the red.

And just like financial debt is stressful and unsustainable, energy debt causes us to operate below our ideal and can even lead to an energy crisis and total breakdown. When we’re drained, we’re irritable, easily overwhelmed and have trouble making good decisions. And when we’re not at our best, we struggle to take care of others, so balancing energy in with energy out is especially critical for those in a caregiving role.

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s imperative.

A personal energy audit is about becoming aware of where you’re allocating your limited energy and how you’re reviving yourself. Once you’ve taken these simple steps, you’ll be well on your way to a balanced energy budget.

The 7 Steps of a Personal Energy Audit

1 – Make a list of all of the things you do that require energy. The big-ticket items will probably come easily. To help think of the others, scan through a typical day and consider if each activity leaves you more or less energized than before. Pay special attention to your “plugged-in” activities such as television and social media. We think of these as restorative, but are they for you?

Build this list over a period of several days. Are you spending energy thinking about a loss in your life? Giving energy to a toxic person? Delivering energy to something or someone where there is nothing to show for it? Be honest with yourself. After all, you have to recognize it before you can change it.

Instead of a list,  you can create a simple pie chart that illustrates what percentage of your energy is currently being allocated in each direction. This visual can be helpful to highlight any possible imbalance.

2 – Make a list of all of the things you do that provide you with energy. To help you think of ideas, reflect back on a day when you felt especially energized or contemplate what you would do with a full day by yourself. Add things to the list even if you’re not currently utilizing them. Don’t get confused between physical energy and emotional energy. You may find that something like a walk leaves you energized even though it requires the burning of calories. If you prefer a visual, this information can be displayed in a frequency chart.

3 – Start by looking for overlapping items. These are key because they operate at close to a zero sum game, both requiring and providing energy. Make note of these. If you’re so inclined, the information up to this point can even take the form of a Venn diagram.

4 – Next, consider your expenditure list and rough percentages dedicated to each item. Are these areas where you want to spend energy? Is there energy being wasted? Are their items you can eliminate or reduce? Can you shift some energy from an area that is only an expenditure to one of those that overlaps with the deposit column? You only have a finite amount. Don’t waste it.

5 – Look at the list of things that give you energy. Are there more areas that you can add? Are there any you can increase in frequency or duration? Strangely, we are often resistant to the very things that restore our energy. Try adding structure in the form of a schedule. Or, promise yourself that you’ll do five minutes of the activity (this works great with exercise) and then give yourself permission to stop at that point. You’ll probably find that you wish to continue. Additionnally, simply being conscious that these activities help to restore your energy balance may lower the initial resistance to action.

6 – Be mindful of the “Starbucks Effect.” Just like small expenditures of money can slip through our fingers without much conscious thought, small amounts of energy can be allocated other directions without our intent. And these small leaks can add up. Before you spend energy on someone or something, ask yourself if it is a worthwhile investment.

7 – Aim for an energy surplus or balance. If you add something to your expenditure list, either cut something else out or add find a way to “earn” more energy. Build your reserves in the easier times so that you can pull from your reserves during the difficult periods. And when the hard times do come, make a conscious effort to rebuild your energy at every available opportunity. Think of it like uncovering the coins beneath the couch cushions. Every little bit helps.

Over time, this conscious spending of your energy becomes habit and the periods of total exhaustion will be fewer and further between. And once your energy is going towards the things that directly benefit yourself, others or the world, you’ll find a sense of peace and well-being that comes from being your authentic self.

 

 

 

A Message For Those Who Are Feeling Hopeless

hopeless

Sorry the volume is so quiet! ​

 

What Is Your “I’m Not Enough” Telling You?

“Why wasn’t I enough for him?”

I posed this question to my journal soon after discovering that my then-husband had obtained a new wife.

 

“What does she have that I don’t?”

I asked of the page, not expecting an answer.

 

“How could he do this to someone he loved?”

The words perforated the page like his actions pierced my heart.

 

“He threw me away like so much garbage!”

My tears fell on the page, causing the words to bleed down the paper.

 

I felt worthless, discarded. I wore this self-image like a corset, hidden from public view yet restricting my movements nonetheless.

I rationalized that if I had been a good enough wife, he would not have secured another. I believed that if I had only been a better partner, he would not have left. Even while publicly blaming him, I secretly blamed myself. Convinced that I was not enough.

My “I’m not enough” taunted me when I faced my fear of going downhill, telling me that I would fall. It threatened that I would never find someone to love me. It followed me into dating, acting surprised when anyone was interested in a second date.

I carried this feeling into my second marriage, determined for a time to be a “perfect” wife. And fearful that when I fell short of this impossible goal, I was risking abandonment again.

My now-husband picked up on this underlying anxiety and reassured me that I was enough. Imperfections and all.

But it still took time for me to really believe it.

And even though it’s largely gone in the context of my marriage, it still haunts me at other times.

It still whispers every time I press the “publish” button, apprehensive about the reactions. I have to work to quiet it when I face criticism. And I still have to tell it to shut up when it tries to take everything personally and assume the responsibility for everybody’s happiness.

The voice isn’t so loud now, but it still exists. It drives me to achieve, which would be good if it didn’t have the aura of fear around it. It encourages me to always strive to be better, do better. I have to constantly work to find that balance between believing that I AM enough and that I can always be more.

When you’re rejected by someone you value, it’s not easy to separate yourself from their actions. It’s hard to trust that you ARE enough.

In the beginning, I felt like I needed to prove my worth TO my ex (even though he was out of the picture). It had a, “I’ll show him” motivation behind it.

And then one day I realized that I was allowing a person of questionable character to determine my worth, which is pretty much like letting a known embezzler set the market price of gold.

If I didn’t value his opinion about anything else, why would I let him decide that I was not enough?

I felt pretty silly.

And so I stopped trying to prove to him that I was worthy.

But I still felt a need to prove it to myself. That little voice of insecurity still pushing through like a pessimistic parrot on my shoulder.

So that’s where I am now – working to let go of that residual feeling of not being enough.

Recognizing the voice for what it is – a lie based on fear.

And learning to trust that I. Am. Enough.

 

Do you ever have the feeling that you’re not enough? What does that voice try to tell you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Podcast – Transformation After Divorce

Your divorce changes you. In this podcast, you will learn how to navigate and guide this transformation. Because maybe, just maybe, you can emerge on the other side even better than before.

 

New podcast on Life After Divorce with DivorceForce CEO and founder, Gregory Frank and guests Randi Levin Coaching & Lisa Arends author of Lessons From the End of a Marriage

Listen here:
https://player.fm/series/divorceforce-survival-guide