Pros and Cons of a Disappearing Act

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Being abandoned sucks. The shock alone is enough to stop your heart. And then, once it starts beating again, all you want to to is yell at your so-called partner who thought it was acceptable to simply walk away with no notice and no dialog. It steals your voice. It leaves you in a perpetual state of uncertainty and doubt. It means you never had a chance to fight for your marriage and you’re left alone to try to sort through the mess of what’s left. Friends and family question what about you was so bad to cause your spouse to slink away like a thief in the night. It calls the entire relationship into question. And there are no answers to be found.

Yeah, there’s no doubt. Being abandoned sucks.

But, as with everything, there is another side. One I have fully embraced (it was either that or go crazy). And one explored, somewhat humorously, by Chump Lady. One of my favorite lines from her? “You mistook this ice cube for a human being. It happens. Maybe you bred with the ice cube. I’m sorry.” Thank goodness I didn’t procreate with my ice cube and his vasectomy ensures he never will.

 

So, here are the pros and cons of abandonment as I see them. I’d love to hear your additions as well.

 

Pros

-It’s efficient. There’s no long, protracted “do we stay together or split?” period.

-You never get your hopes up. You know it’s over.

-The no-contact advice is really easy to follow.

-You know he/she is a jerk (regardless of what you thought before) and you don’t waste time pining over him/her.

-You don’t have to make the difficult decision about divorce. Even if your spouse leaves it to you to file (as in my case), it’s a clear course of action.

-You may have been lied to (for years, even), but the lies are over. You don’t have to listen to any more deceptions.

-You don’t have to spend any awkward time living in the same house as your soon-to-be-ex. Although you may have to clean out his/her underwear drawer if they left without their belongings.

-If you need evidence to prove “fault” for the divorce or custody laws in your state, you’ll have plenty of fodder.

-You’ll spend less time divorcing so you can get busy healing.

-It makes for an interesting divorce story.

 

Cons

-The shock is horrific. It literally almost killed me when I dropped 20 lbs in a week and developed an abnormal heart rhythm.

-You feel discarded. Like you weren’t even good enough to have a discussion with.

-You feel so angry, yet there is no one to yell at.

-You will always wonder what happened. And answers, even false ones, never come.

-You may discover a hidden life, complete with betrayals from sexual to financial.

-You will be blamed. Everyone always insists there are two sides to every story. Even when you didn’t know there was a story.

-You have no time to get used to the idea of being single. You’re married and then “poof!,” you’re not.

-It makes it hard to trust again. If one partner disappeared without warning, what’s to stop the next from doing the same.

-It’s difficult to sort through the marriage and identify areas where you could improve without assuming the guilt for the whole enchilada.

-If you have kids, their relationship with the disappearing parent will be affected at best and absent at worst.

 

Looking at those lists, I’m sure glad that I didn’t have to make a choice between the two. It goes without saying that they’re both awful, horrible, no good, very bad experiences. But, as I’ve said before, happiness is divorce in the rearview mirror. Get through and get on.

 

 

 

 

Outsourcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You cannot outsource healing. You have to do it yourself.

Therapy, journaling and medication are useful tools. But they are just that – tools. They only work if you do.

Apologies and explanations may feel good in the moment, but they provide no lasting relief. That only comes when you allow it.

Others who have been there may offer guidance along the way, but they cannot take your steps for you.

There are no words that can take away your pain. No actions by others that can relieve your suffering.

You can try to avoid the pain. Distract yourself. Pretend you’re okay.

But that approach never works for long.

Because the only way through is through.

And you can’t outsource healing.

You have to do it yourself.

Teamwork

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes I want to smack myself.

No, really.

You see, I’m good at seeing patterns in other people’s behavior or actions, but always so good at spotting it when it hits closer to home.

Sort of a psychological case of farsightedness.

And when it finally comes into focus, it seems so obvious. So clear.

That it just about smacks me across the face.

 

The new patio table (to replace the one shattered by the neighbor’s tree) arrived on Wednesday. Even though we were both tired, Brock and I made the decision to assemble the table that afternoon so that we could finally put the tree event behind us. I changed into shorts while he cued up some tunes. Over the next hour or so, we unwrapped and untied. Carried and bolted. And, finally, just as the sun slid behind the tall trees, we placed the cushions on the seats.

And through it all, we barely spoke.

Not because we were angry. Or upset. Or distant.

But because no words were needed. We split up to conquer individual tasks only to reunite to tackle challenges that required more than two hands. We catered to strengths and anticipated needs.

It was awesome.

 

And it was also new.

 

I used to grow frustrated when undertaking a project with Brock. I remembered working smoothly, effortlessly with my ex and tasks attempted with Brock always seemed to take too long and require too much emotional effort. Of course, I attributed this to him. After all, I had been able to work in concert with someone else, so it couldn’t be because of any deficits or traits of mine. Sometimes I missed the easy nature of working on a shared task that I had with my ex, but I also accepted that this was not an area of strength for Brock and I.

But I made a mistake in my reasoning. I was comparing how my ex and I were after many years (and the endless projects of a fixer-upper house) to how Brock and I were after only a few years with fewer projects. And I had conveniently forgotten the frustrations that my ex and I encountered as we learned to work together. As with anything in a relationship, teamwork is formed, not found. The frustrations that Brock and I felt had little to do with our different approaches and unique perspectives and much more to do with a lack of practice.

And practice makes better.

Even in marriage.

 

 

 

Which Pill Do You Choose?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex used to be obsessed with The Matrix. I think he somehow saw himself as Neo, an invulnerable character who was able to manipulate reality and was the one chosen to save the human race. I grew tired of the movie after so many repeated viewings and so, after my ex left, I pushed the series out of my mind.

Until today, that is, when an article referenced it in passing and made me remember one scene from the first movie in particular.

For those not familiar with the movie, the majority of humans are so-called bluepills who live their lives hooked up to a machine where a virtual reality is fed into their minds to keep them placid and peaceful while the machine uses their bodies for power. They are glorified batteries. Happy, but enslaved.

Some of the humans are able to break free from the illusion. These are the redpills. They are independent and aware, but also have to face the harsh realities of the world dominated by evil forces. They are fully sentient yet also fully responsible for creating their own realities.

In the scene above, Neo is given a choice: take the blue pill and re-enter the contented slumber of the ignorant or ingest the red pill and learn the entirety of the truth. Whichever choice he makes, there is no going back.

In my first marriage, I was taking the blue pill. I was as ignorant and prone to suggestion as those that are slaves to the Matrix. Within days of his leaving, it was as though a red pill was forcibly shoved down my throat, reality body slamming me to the floor. And there was no going back.

I’m not generally one for what-ifs, but I find it interesting to ponder what I would have chosen if I had been given the option at some point in my marriage to see the whole truth or to remain blissfully unaware.

Now that I’m a redpill, I can’t imagine going back. I want to live my own reality on my own terms and deal with the consequences.

But when I was a bluepill, I don’t know if I could have imagined the other option. After all, life as I knew it was good. Why risk it?

How about you?

Red?

Or blue?

 

 

 

Free Advice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

At some point in the past year or so, Brock and I (sometimes independently, but often together) have become the go-tos for relationship advice for our friends. It’s a bit funny, really – Brock with his later-in-life first marriage and alpha male exterior and me with minimal dating experience and a spectacularly failed first marriage – giving advice. But our Mutt and Jeff approach seems to work. I have a tendency to listen and gently probe into underlying themes while Brock has a good instinct and an ability to drive straight into the issue at hand. I think we’re good at it for the same reason I’m good at teaching math – we had to work to get to where we are. And there’s a lot of thought and intent that accompanies that struggle.

Here’s an assemblage of some of the dispensed advice over the past year or so. Maybe a piece will speak to you.

On Being a Knight

There’s a high that comes from being a recuser, from being needed. It feeds the ego and lends a sense of security born of dependence. For the rescued, it is a way to avoid responsibility and yet have ones needs met. A relationship founded on this dynamic will always have a power and responsibility imbalance. By all means, help. But don’t enable. Because when you help someone more than they help themselves, you end up hurting both of you. 

On Having the Right Friends

The people you surround yourself with matters. Not only do they reflect upon you, they shape you. Before you sign up for online dating or scour your networks for a potential partner, examine your social circle. Do they embody the sort of life you want for yourself? Are they helping you become the best you possible or are they holding you back? As Brock says, “I’m the bobber on the water and I refuse to attach to anyone who wants to pull me under.”

On the Oxygen Mask Theory

“I know she’s in a rough place and I don’t want to leave her knowing that it will get worse.” My response? “You are not responsible for someone else’s well-being. That’s her job. Your job is to treat the relationship with respect and to take care of you.” I then told him how I used to tell my ex that he made me happy. And why that was a huge mistake.

On Making Changes

Brock was the guy that nobody every thought would marry. And then he made some significant changes in his life that led him to where he is now. I’m often asked, “How did you get him to change?” I didn’t. He made that choice and started on that path before I was ever in the picture. You can’t change another person no matter how long you wait. If you don’t like them as they are, move on. They’ll change when they’re ready, not when you are.

On Trust and Honesty 

“Relationships are built on trust. How can you ever establish a relationship when it is built on lies?” questioned Brock. Lying has a tendency to become a way of approaching the world and attempting to solve (or avoid) conflict. If someone is dishonest to others, don’t assume they are truthful to you.

On Fear

Cutting straight to the heart of it all, “Relationships that are held together by fear will never last.” And Brock is right. Whether it’s fear of being alone or fear being abandoned or the fear of not being needed, it leads to grasping, not loving. It’s sort of strange that only when you are in a position where don’t “need” the other person that you can allow yourself to truly be with them.