Anxiety After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines anxiety as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Well, it’s no wonder then that anxiety becomes a constant companion for many facing divorce, which certainly epitomizes an “imminent event…with an uncertain outcome.”

It’s normal to feel anxious before, during and after divorce. You’re experiencing a period of loss and transition at the same time you may be struggling to reconnect with your very identity and purpose. That’s stressful no matter how you look at it.

Anxiety around divorce can be focused on one or more specific areas, or it may be more generalized and diffuse. The feeling may be clear-cut and easy to recognize or it can manifest in more subtle ways. Regardless of the particular nature of your divorce-related anxiety, the more you understand it, the better you can learn to navigate – and eventually curtail – it.

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What You’re Anxious About

 

The Practical Concerns

These are often the first worries that manifest – How will I pay the bills without their income? Where will I live? How will we manage custody? What will the legal process be like?

There are so many important details of daily life that divorce impacts. And most of these have to be dealt with yesterday. Add the very real financial costs of divorce and it’s no wonder you’re losing sleep.

 

Personal Strength and Fortitude

“I’m not strong enough to get through this” is one of the first thoughts that many people have when they realize that divorce is imminent. The emotions threaten to drown you and the sheer amount of tasks you have to complete is completely overwhelming.

Maybe you’ve never been tested like this before and so you have no track record with which to reassure yourself of your tenacity. Or maybe you’re worried about the duration of this transition – how can you keep going when the finish line isn’t even marked?

 

The Impact on the Kids

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

from 7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

It’s no wonder you’re anxious. You worry about the impact that this family transition will have on your children. You agonize over the pain they’re facing. You stress about how this might affect them moving forward. You lose sleep over the relationship they have with their other parent. And most of all, you constantly question if you’re doing the right thing, making the right decisions.

 

 

 

Emotional Reactions

I remember being so afraid of my emotional response. It felt like being pulled along by some powerful riptide, threatening to drown me at any moment.

The emotional reactions after divorce are strong, variable and unpredictable. You never know if you’re going to break down crying in the middle of a work presentation, burst into inappropriate laughter in a meeting your attorney or fly of the handle in a fit of rage because a form asked for you to indicate your marital status.

And this uncertainty combined with a feeling that you no longer have control over your inner world, leads to a great deal of anxiety.

 

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Future Happiness

“Will I ever be happy again?” you wonder. And your anxious brain is ready with a reply – “No.”

You worry that the best years have already happened and that it’s all downhill from here. You wonder if this divorce will always be your defining moment. And you stress as you contemplate the thought that maybe you’re broken and that you cannot be repaired.

 

The Views of Others

You feel like those around you are judging you, labeling you as a “quitter” or quietly assuming that you failed as a person in order to have a failed marriage. Their voices – real or imagined – join your own, doubts and criticisms circling around your head like tubes in a lazy river.

This anxiety may extend to your general social standing and connections. Maybe you are now losing the family that you’ve grown to love and cherish. Perhaps you worry that you no longer fit into the “couples only club” that is your primary friend group. Or, in your cultural or religious group, divorce may be viewed as a sin and you’re shunned for your circumstances.

 

New Relationships and Finding Love Again

You worry that your ex was your soulmate and that you somehow screwed up your only chance for love. The thought of dating again is downright terrifying and you wonder if anybody will love the older, more jaded, and less tolerant version of you. And that’s of course assuming that there are even people out there that you’d be interested in.

Finding love is only the starting place for your anxiety. Then comes the question of keeping it. After all, you don’t have such a great track record right now. You worry that you’re going to end up in this same place again.

 

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How the Anxiety Manifests

 

A Feeling of Being “Driven”

Anxiety has energy. It is an accelerant. A propellant. The focus of this drive can vary, turning towards everything from your performance at work to finding out every detail possible about the person your ex cheated on you with. Sometimes anxiety feels like you’re being driven by a motor but you’re spinning your wheels.

 

Obsessive Thoughts

You may be obsessively wondering how your ex could have acted the way they did. Or maybe you’re fixated on something you did that contributed to the collapse of the marriage. Anxiety often causes our thoughts to become trapped like the water above a blocked drain, as we desperately sift through them looking for a way to control the outcome.

 

Avoidance and Distractions

Anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. So when something causes undo stress, we often avoid it in order to eliminate that discomfort. This can manifest by intentionally or subconsciously avoiding locations or situations that you know will trigger an emotional reaction. Others may turn to distractions (everything from dating to work) in an attempt to give a wide berth to anything that may cause anxiety to spike.

 

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A Sense of Futility

Anxiety is the world’s greatest pessimist. It will always tell you that not only is the glass empty, but the glass is cracked and will never hold anything of substance again. If you’re feeling defeated and assuming that it’s a permanent state, that may be your anxiety talking.

 

Restlessness

Are you feeling a need to redecorate your entire home? Or maybe move to a new home – or country – altogether? Do you have trouble staying still and you seem to always find something to keep you busy? Anxiety has its own fear – a fear of stillness and quiet. So when you’re anxious, you’re often restless.

 

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How to Handle Your Anxiety

 

Call in the Professionals

Get help if you need it! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, admitting a need for and accepting help are great signs of strength.

How do you know if you need help with your anxiety? Here are some signs that it’s time:

  • Your anxiety is interfering with your ability to carry out the basic functions of daily life
  • The divorce is history, yet your anxiety still remains
  • Symptoms of depression are present along with the anxiety
  • You’re turning to substances to help you manage your anxiety
  • Your children are being impacted by your anxiety
  • You want to improve your anxiety but you don’t know how

 

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Incorporate Exercise

Exercise won’t cure anxiety, but if you exhaust the body, it has a tendency to tire out the mind as well. And when it comes to worrying, a tired mind is a happier mind.

Play around with different types of exercise. Perhaps you do best with yoga and its emphasis on breathing through discomfort. Or maybe running helps you process your thoughts and gives you a sense of progress. You may find that you’re drawn to martial arts, where your anxiety can be funneled into strikes and you gain a sense of power and strength.

The what doesn’t matter here. The regularity and commitment does. Figure out what works for you and practice it frequently.

 

Learn to Recognize Anxiety

Be aware of how anxiety manifests in your mind and body. Does your chest get tight? Your stomach upset? Your brain on overdrive?

Just being aware of these signs can 1) give you a sense of control over your anxiety and 2) provide you with an opportunity to do something about it. You’ve heard about love languages. This is the time to become fluent in your own fear language.

 

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Face Your Fears

When we avoid situations that cause us discomfort, we allow them to grow in size and power. Think about all of the times you’ve been afraid to do something, from jumping into a pool as a child or having a difficult conversation as an adult. How many times did you discover that the anticipation was worse than the reality? Quite a bit, I expect.

And also think about your mindset before and after you faced that fear. Before, you were fixated on the situation, playing out all of the possible outcomes and worrying about every one. After? Well, it no longer seemed so important and all of that mental energy no longer had to be allocated its direction.

It’s pretty simple, really. Not easy, but simple.

Avoidance makes your anxieties grow. Facing your fears diminishes their power.

 

Chart Your Progress

When it comes to healing from divorce, progress is so slow that it’s often imperceptible from your viewpoint. So document your journey. Bring awareness to your progress.

Journaling is one way to accomplish this. You can go back at any time and read your earlier entries to get a feeling of how far you’ve come. This serves to both help you recognize your strength and also gives you hope that things will continue to improve.

 

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Question Your Conclusions

Anxiety lies. Just think about it – when you’re sifting through all of the possible outcomes,  how many of them or positive or even neutral? Not very many, I expect. Yet, the reality is that many outcomes fall into these categories. But anxiety always assumes the worst.

So learn to question your conclusions. Where is this assumption coming from – facts or fears? If it’s the latter, you have permission to ignore the advice.

 

Implement a Gratitude Practice

When you’re grateful, you’re in the moment. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. Take some time every day to focus on those things that bring you joy and appreciation. Write them down in a place where you can return time and time again to literally count your blessings.

 

Listen to Others

We don’t do well when we live only within the echo chamber of our own minds. So allow other voices in. Hear their perceptive and their wisdom.

From others, we gain insight into ourselves and inspiration to keep trying.

 

Accept Anxiety as a Natural Response

We have evolved to experience anxiety as nature’s way of keeping us safe. We are primed to feel fear and uncertainty around novel situations to help guide our decisions in a safe direction.

Anxiety is natural. However, modern life doesn’t present us with the simple dilemmas our ancient ancestors faced. The question about whether the meat gained from hunting the large game is worth the risk has been replaced with the constant worry about your child’s ability to navigate the emotional fallout from divorce.

So it’s important to both accept your anxiety as a natural response to a potentially threatening and new situation and also expend effort to lessen your anxiety since the potential triggers are ongoing.

And always remember – you may feel anxious at any given moment, but YOU are not your anxiety.

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7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

Posted on by stilllearning2b
children

I was in elementary school when my parents divorced and my dad moved out. I remember being confused – how could a family suddenly be not-a-family? I was sad – not only did I miss my dad, but I saw that mom was hurting. And I was ashamed, concerned that somehow my friends would judge me and my family because of the split. As I grew older, I began to internalize some of the events and developed a feeling that I wasn’t enough.

There’s no doubt about it, their divorce impacted me.

And not all of the effects were negative.

In fact, I now credit their divorce (and the way it was handled with me) with being the source for some of the most important messages I received in childhood.

I know that divorce is the last thing you ever wanted your children to experience. But there are ways to make the best of it.

Seven Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

It’s easy to focus on the harm that divorce brings to children. After all, it’s no secret that the dissolution of a household is traumatic to all of its inhabitants and that children have a tendency to internalize and personalize the marital issues around them. Yet pain is not the only offering from divorce; it also provides opportunity. The following are seven vital lessons that children can learn through divorce:

1 – Loss Is a Part of Life; We Inhale Love and Exhale Grief

Everyone remembers their first major loss – whether it was the death of a childhood pet, the passing of a grandparent or the separation of their parents. This manner in which a child’s first experience with grief is handled sets the stage for how loss is perceived for the rest of their lives.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to begin to accept that life is filled with beginnings and endings. It is an occasion for them to become familiar with the particular nature of grief as they learn to ride its ebbs and flows.

It is a classroom of sorts, a time for teaching about the importance of remembrance and ritual and for discovering the power in letting go. It can be a time for learning that it’s okay to feel all of the emotions. And also to not feel anything at all.

Divorce is a time of rending, yet it also can be a time of sewing the guiding threads into the fabric of your children’s spirits. Let this experience give them the courage and the wisdom to face life’s other hardships and unavoidable losses.

2 – Change Is Inevitable and Always Awkward at First

 

I remember being so sure – “I will ALWAYS love Cabbage Patch dolls.” “I will want waffles for breakfast for EVER and EVER.” And of course, as I told my friend confidently one day, “My parents will NEVER divorce.”

And then inevitably, my interest for dolls was traded for an enthusiasm for pop stars, I grew tired of waffles and my parents split up. Because, as I was beginning to learn, change is a certainty.

Kids (and most adults) struggle with change. They become irritable or withdrawn as they adapt to a new school or even a new teacher. They grapple with the transformations of their friends and friend-groups as the years progress. When the hormones hit and the growth spurts stretch their limbs, they rattle around in their new bodies until they finally settle in.

Divorce is a time for acknowledging the challenge that accompanies change, as the whole family learns to navigate a new reality. It is an opportunity to address the constancy of transformation and the balance of learning when to steer and when to let go. When the focus becomes more on adaptation rather than resistance, change becomes easier. And it’s possible to dance even before you’ve fully found your sea-legs.

3 – Humans Are Fallible (and Parents Are Human)

 

Like many kids, I put my parents right up there with Wonder Woman and Superman when I was little. They were all-powerful, always knew just what to do and could do no wrong. And then one day, my father sat me down and told me he was moving out. Which meant that somehow my parents didn’t have everything figured out.

I remember becoming fascinated with the hidden internal life of the adults around me. I started to catch the little twitch of uncertainty in my teacher’s eye as she disciplined the class troublemaker. I noticed the tinge of fear on my doctor’s face as she escorted a family back into the waiting room. And I became aware of the sadness and hesitancy within my own parents as they ended their marriage.

In some ways, learning that adults didn’t know everything was a scary realization, as the metaphorical safety net lost some of its bindings. Yet it was also comforting to discover that I wasn’t expected to undergo some sort of super hero training before I could obtain my adult status.

Divorce is a window for children into the lives of adults. It’s a time to normalize the human experience and remove the shadow of shame that can follow on the heels of a perceived failure. During divorce, you can not only show your children that you’re human, you can give them permission to imperfect as well.

4 – Wishes Are Not Enough and You Can’t Control the Way the Wind Blows

 

“Close your eyes and make a wish,” we’re told every year through childhood. Later, we’re cautioned that if we reveal the desire, it won’t come true. But we’re rarely told the truth that wishing isn’t enough and that there are some things that we cannot influence.

Kids often grapple with understanding the difference between wanting something and having something. They can’t yet comprehend the limits of budget or the constraints implied by time and distance. This same illusion of desire can easily follow divorce, as children believe that they can bring their parents back together through mere will alone.

It’s a painful awareness, that simply wanting something to be true cannot make it so. Yet, it’s a valuable lesson and one better delivered early in life. Because the sooner a child understands the limits of their influence, the sooner they can begin focusing on tuning the instruments within their own orchestra.

 

 

5 – When You Own Your Own Stuff, Nobody Else Can Own You

 

Your kids learn from watching you.

When they see you implement and uphold boundaries, refusing to be the doormat for some else’s dirty shoes, they learn that it’s okay to say “No.” When they witness you being gracious in spite of pain, they begin to understand the power of kindness. When they watch you take a deep breath and take a big leap, they learn that you can act in spite of fear. When they notice that you avoid blaming their other parent and instead you find a way to make it work, they learn the limitations of victimhood.

During the uncertainty and sorrow of divorce, you can teach your children the power of choosing how you respond. You can model for them how much a reaction – or non-reaction – can alter a situation. And you can help them learn to take the responsibility for their own choices and responses because once they can do that, they can do anything.

 

 

6 – Life Can Be Hard, but It Goes On

 

When learning about their parent’s upcoming divorce, many kids first response is a question, “But will [my birthday, Six Flags, my recital, etc.] still happen?” Part of this comes from the natural self-centeredness of children and part of comes from their need to know that their life, even if it looks somewhat different, will still continue.

Divorce provides an opportunity for children to learn that life, although difficult at times, still goes on. The dog still needs to be fed, the homework must still be completed and summer vacation is still on the horizon. Life is a series of moments. Some bring smiles and some bring tears. And there’s always another moment waiting in the wings.

 

 

7 – A Parent’s Love is Bigger Than the Sky

“If you can fall out of love with daddy, can you fall out of love with me?”

Those were the words my client’s daughter uttered after learning about the upcoming divorce.

“Never. A parent’s love for their child is special. It is bigger than sky and deeper than the deepest ocean. It goes on further than the furthest telescope can see and shines brighter than brightest star. I know a lot of things have changed, but my love for you never will.”

And right there, in those words, is the biggest lesson you can give your child through divorce. That no matter what, you will always love them.

Five Experiences EVERY Kid Should Have

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I have now earned the moniker “adventure momma.” Last year, I took my dear friend’s daughter (then eight) on a zip line/aerial course with the promise that, if she enjoyed herself, it would become an annual occurrence. She enjoyed herself.

This year, when I presented her with the option of again doing the “kid” course from last year or the level one adult course, she bravely chose the latter. I think she started to get a little nervous when she noticed that she was the only person under sixteen in the group of thirty or so in the training and gear-up area. I knew she was nervous once we climbed three stories of stairs to the start of the course. And her fears were evident to everyone when she held tightly to a bolt on the tree on the first platform as the zip liners caused the small landing to sway dramatically.

But never once did she consider backing down. Bolstered by my reminders of how awesome she did last year, the continued instruction from the guide and the expressed nervousness of the adult man behind me, she took a leap of faith. And then another. Each time, holding onto the tree a little less and smiling a little more.

One man in the group, an active marine, looked reticent at having a nervous nine-year-old in his group. At the end, he approached her with a high five and dubbed her a superstar.

That’s an experience every child should have.

Not necessarily the zip lining (although as an “adventure momma,” I full support this activity!), but the opportunity to do something that is scary and feel the satisfaction and confidence on the other side.

 

The following are five experiences that EVERY kid should have by the age of ten:

 

1 – Time Outside Their Comfort Zone

One of the more common – and frustrating – ways that kids become entrenched in their comfort zones is with food. Once they have decided that they like Kraft Mac and cheese or chicken nuggets, it can feel like trying to engineer a habitat on Mars to get them to try something new. One mom I know recently started the family on Purple Carrot, a vegetarian meal delivery service that offers unique and creative vegetable-based recipes.  Her son picks out the biweekly meals and is now excited to try new foods.

Here’s the thing with comfort zones – the more time you spend in them, the harder it becomes to take a step outside of them. If kids are raised without every being encouraged (okay, sometimes pushed) outside their comfort zone, they will become an adult who is afraid to try new things or take any risks.

Depending upon the personality of your child, this journey outside their comfort zone may be quite a struggle for both of you, but the long-term payoffs are worth the short-term frustration.

 

2 – Occasion to Struggle

As a parent, one of your strongest motivations is to keep your children safe and happy. This noble instinct means that you’ll give up your life for them, but it also means that sometimes you may shelter them too much from their own life.

As a teacher, I constantly have to fight the impulse to give a child the answer or to expedite the process by simply doing some task for a kid (try teaching new middle-schoolers how to open their lockers some time – it’s an exercise in extreme patience!). I resist the urge, because I know that bypassing the struggle also means bypassing the learning.

It’s not easy watching a child grapple with something until their frustration reaches a boiling point. It can be so tempting to step in with your greater wisdom and experience and solve a problem for them instead of stepping back and letting them try on their own. We often want to create so many guidelines and boundaries for them that they have no choice but to follow a predetermined and manicured path.

Yet struggle is exactly what builds strength. Confidence. Resilience.

Let them try. They will fail sometimes. And that’s okay.

 

3 – Practice With Failure

Brock showed me a video on his facebook feed the other day. It showed a young girl attempting to jump onto a high platform with the encouragement of her father in the background. She tries and fails to stick the landing many times. At one point, you can see her frustration starting to grow and her father steps in and gives her a little pep talk. She nails the next attempt.

This young girl’s muscles indicate that she is training for some sort of gymnastics, but her attitude towards failure shows that, more importantly, she is training for life.

Failure is a certainty. When it is delayed for too long, coming first in later childhood or even adulthood, it comes as quite a shock and can easily be interpreted as, “I am a failure.” By exposing young kids to repeated failure, it normalizes the experience and lessens its power.

Along with failing to achieve their personal goals, kids will experience losing to others that are smarter or more talented (or just luckier) than they are. This can become a great opportunity to expose them to fact that life isn’t fair.

 

4 – Opportunity to Accept That Life is Unfair

Kids have a tendency to see the world in black and white. If you’re a benevolent character, things will go your way in the long run. If you’re the villain, you will eventually get what’s coming to you. Playing by the rules will allow you to win and breaking the rules always leads to consequences.

As adults, we know it’s not that simple. Some of the kindest souls in the world have been subject to seemingly endless tragedies. Many bad guys find success, even as they harm others to reach their goals. Sometimes the hardest worker is passed up for the raise and the best friend is left in the dust.

Life isn’t fair. It’s up to us to help our kids understand this basic truth so that they do not carry forth with unrealistic expectations. Included in this lesson is the idea that kindness is never wasted and by giving to others, we can help to lift the lives of all.

 

5 – Episodes of Altruism Without Expectation

My favorite day of the school year is one that we dub our day of giving. The entire faculty  joins with the student body and hundreds of parent volunteers to participate in community service projects. It’s always a magical day as the students first realize how much need there is in our own suburban community and then feel accomplished by helping to meet those needs.

Giving to others shapes kids in many ways. It teaches them compassion for others and helps them to respect those that may live differently than they do. It shows them that small acts can have great consequences and that when we work together, we can achieve even greater things. By engaging in altruistic acts without expectation of reward, we encourage them to develop integrity and the importance of doing the right thing even when no one is watching.

 

By ensuring that your kids have had these experiences, you are raising them to be strong, resilient and compassionate. All these qualities will continue to serve them well far into the future.

 

Have your kids had to experience divorce? Here are the vital lessons that divorce teaches children. 

 

 

7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

Posted on by stilllearning2b
children

I was in elementary school when my parents divorced and my dad moved out. I remember being confused – how could a family suddenly be not-a-family? I was sad – not only did I miss my dad, but I saw that mom was hurting. And I was ashamed, concerned that somehow my friends would judge me and my family because of the split. As I grew older, I began to internalize some of the events and developed a feeling that I wasn’t enough.

There’s no doubt about it, their divorce impacted me.

And not all of the effects were negative.

In fact, I now credit their divorce (and the way it was handled with me) with being the source for some of the most important messages I received in childhood.

I know that divorce is the last thing you ever wanted your children to experience. But there are ways to make the best of it. Here are seven vital lessons that your children can learn from your divorce. 

 

 

What to Expect In Your Teenager When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b
teenager

I had someone ask me earlier if I had any resources on kids during divorce. My first reaction was to say that, although I’m a child of divorce, I don’t really have any experience as the adult in that situation.

But then I asked what grade the kid in question was in.

And once I received the answer of 8th, I realized that I do have some insight. Even though they’re not my kids and it’s not my divorce impacting them, I have 15 years of witnessing the ways that teenagers deal with their parents’ divorce.

It is so difficult to tease out any acting out caused by the divorce from normal teenage behaviors. Well, as normal as they can be when their prefrontal cortex is not completely formed.

Teenagers are not in their right minds. Literally.

But I do see patterns of behavior that often signal that a divorce has occurred or is in process. Many of these patterns are more common in one gender than the other, although the gender lines are by no means firm. In some ways, divorce can amplify the normal teenage behaviors and other times it completely alters them.

The behaviors are usually the most extreme when the parents are in the middle of the legal process (especially if the kid is being used as bait) but can also appear well after a divorce that occurred in elementary, where the child seemed fine at the time. They can be brief and mild or longer lasting and more severe.

Here are the top behaviors I see in teenagers having trouble trying to process divorce:

The boys are…

Oppositional

The boys can get angry. Very angry. Sometimes it’s directed at a particular person (especially if they see one parent as being at fault), but often it is scattered and nondiscriminatory. They get into fights. They challenge authority at school. Often, when I am able to get them to open up, they are feeling pressure to be the “man of the house” and are trying to toughen up before their time.

These kids need a safe outlet for their anger (martial arts comes to mind), a safe place to be vulnerable, consequences for their misbehavior and reassurance that they are still kids and not responsible for the household.

Withdrawal

Instead of acting out, some boys draw in. Their hair becomes longer and rarely washed. They seem to curl inside themselves at their desks. Their schoolwork suffers as they fail to complete and turn in assignments. Some turn to cutting or other self-harming behaviors. Many turn to video games as an escape. Sometimes I learn of a diagnosis of depression.

These kids need patience, persistence and intervention. If you’re at all concerned about their mental health, seek help sooner rather than later. And try to engage them in life outside the screen.

Using

I can usually tell which of my students drink or use drugs on a regular basis. And many of those are boys with divorcing parents. Some see it as an escape. Some take advantage of a distracted single parent. Some are trying on adulthood. And some are just lost.

These kids need tough love. And soon. Don’t try to handle this one alone. Call on the professionals, for you and your kid.

The girls are…

Perfectionists

These are the ones that often slip under the radar. They’re pleasant. They perform well in school. You may think you have lucked into the perfect teenager, even after going through the breakup of a family. Yet under the guide of perfection is an overwhelming anxiety; some of these girls are trying to do it all out of a fear that they must be perfect to be lovable and accepted. And at some point, they will burn out.

These kids need consistency, reassurance and a way to build confidence (martial arts comes to mind here as well). Encourage play and discourage excessive time on schoolwork. Refrain from associating value with performance.

Mean

The anger in the girls usually presents differently than the boys. They are more covert. Manipulative, perhaps out of a desire to try to exert control when they feel they have none. Their anger is more pointed, either at classmates or at a parent (or often at a new boyfriend or girlfriend of a parent). They develop this “nobody else will ever hurt me” armor and they attack with their words and actions.

These kids need boundaries and they need to face the natural consequences when they’re crossed. The key to softening the armor is usually a relationship with a trusted, non-parent adult – a teacher, a family member, a counselor, who can help them face the pain under the anger.

Acting Out Sexually

Most teenage girls are boy (or girl) -crazy. But most are doing more talking than anything else. For girls going through a family divorce, especially when the father is absent, some start dating older boys and acting on that talk. They want to know they are pretty, special and desired. And they’ll take it any way they can get it. Some of these girls feel abandoned. Others neglected. And some just feel ignored.

These kids need structure to limit their unsupervised access to technology and a watchful eye on their interactions. They also need attention, so strive to provide the attention in positive areas. Most of all, they need love. They are still kids regardless of what behaviors they’re engaged in.

And all teenagers of divorce are…

All of the kids I see with divorce in their story are working through trust issues; they’re often slow to establish bonds. Most look for attention, some by being the “teacher’s pet” and others by being the “class clown.” They’re often a little more on the extremes of the “needy” to “leave-me-alone” curve.

And they’re teenagers. 100-pound hormonal two-year-olds, as I affectionately call them. They’re still learning who they are, how the world works and figuring out their place in it.

Love on them even when they’re irritable. Uphold the rules no matter how many times they’re broken. Give them support when they need it and let them struggle when they don’t. And see them as they are and help them see who they will become.

And be thankful that they’re not teenagers forever.