I Feel Sad

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you feeling sad after divorce?

Divorce is a death of a marriage.

A death of the future.

A death of your present.

And, in some cases, a death of the past you thought you had.

Like any death, there is an intense sense of loss. Of mourning.

I remember feeling the aching void left behind by his absence. I worried that I would never trust again. Never love again.

I feared the best was over and loss was all that was left.

 

mosaic

 

If you are feeling heartbroken and miserable, these posts are for you:

 

It’s so easy to believe that the way things are right now is the way they will always be. But everything changes. Even suffering.

 

suffering

 

It’s tempting to try to avoid the pain. But you can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself.

 

The Heart

 

When you are in pain, the calendar can be your enemy. How do you handle anniversaries?

 

photo 1-75

 

The pain may have come in a great crashing wave, but it recedes like the tide, slowly and leaving pools behind.

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For a time, I thought I would have to excise all memories of my marriage from my mind like some cancerous growth. It turns out that memories can remain while the pain fades.

 

Life Sucks

 

Are you thinking recursively or using input-output? It matters.

 

photo 4-54

 

We zero in on what we know and what we know is the past, the pain. Try making the belief that the best is yet to come at the center of your heart and aim your thoughts that way.

 

smile

 

The End. The Best Ways to End Relationships According to Science

Posted on by stilllearning2b
the end relationship

Are you wondering how to best end a relationship? Or, have you been left in a particularly bad manner?

 

Apparently there are 7 ways to leave your lover, not 50.

This Psychology Today piece describes 7 ways that relationships end and evaluates them for their impact on the breakee. They explore the relationship between attachment styles (formed in childhood) and the types of leaving that someone may gravitate towards.

It’s interesting, as I was reading, I was picturing these ways of breaking up on a graph, with courage on one axis and self-image on the other, both traits listed for the one doing the leaving.  So, being the math geek that I am, I made a sketch to share with you.

the end

Open confrontation, although the label sounds negative, was rated as the best outcome for the one who was left. It’s clear, upfront and shows a degree of respect for the person. Notice that this method requires a high self-image and a high level of courage. The person leaving needs to face the fear of the discussion and needs to be confident enough to handle any negative blow-back from an angry dumpee.

Having trouble summoning the courage to have a difficult conversation?

The two methods that rated the worst were avoidance and distant/mediated, both characterized by a low level of courage. These are both tactics used by people who did not develop secure attachment styles in childhood. One is favored by those who have a very low self-image and want to protect their fragile egos. Whereas the other is used by those who see themselves as somehow better than their partners. Either way, they are indirect and leave the partner feeling disrespected and disregarded, often with valid questions.

START NOW

I know many of you have faced the tsunami of the pretend-everything-is-normal-and-then-just-disappear kind of breakup. Apparently the researchers didn’t think that it deserved its own category.

Been abandoned? Pros and cons of a disappearing act.

What are your thoughts? What types of breakups have you experienced (from either perspective)? Do you agree with my graphical analysis, or would you place some of them in different areas?

Looking for more guidance?

How to End a Marriage

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness divorce

There is nothing fun about divorce. I can’t ever imagine anyone – even the most devout fan of Fifty Shades of Gray – choosing to go through a divorce for the entertainment factor. Even in the most clearcut of situations where both parties agree that the marriage is terminal, the process of severing two intertwined lives is awful. And when there are complicating factors? It’s awfuler (yeah, when it comes to divorce, that IS a real word. promise).

But once you’re through?

Once the courtroom and the endless requests for documentation are over.

After the decisions have been made and the consequences determined.

When the divorce is in the rearview mirror.

That’s when the happiness comes.

If you know how to look for it.

 

The…

Worst is Over

The final decree often brings with it a sense of relief. I personally went from never wanting a divorce to wanting a divorce more than anything else. I just wanted it to over. The months or years sandwiched between the decision to divorce (regardless of who makes the call) and the legal dissolution of marriage are horrible. It’s easy to feel lost and confused and attacked from all sides. The decree doesn’t make everything okay, but it sure helps to alleviate some of the unknown. The worst is over and now…

Healing Can Begin

It’s difficult to heal without resolution. After the legal process is over, you know what you have (and what you don’t). It’s a place – even if it’s rock bottom – where you can start to rebuild. Your focus can shift from the separation to yourself. Healing won’t happen immediately; the decree is no magic salve. But it WILL happen in its own time. One of the keys in healing from divorce is to recognize how far you have come. Celebrate your…

Accomplishments

You made it. It seemed impossible. But you’re through it and still breathing. At least on most days. That’s something to celebrate. Give yourself credit for your successes, both big and small. See yourself as a survivor and strive to be a thriver. Have gratitude for the blessings you have in your life, including your…

True Friends

Divorce has a way of sifting out the true friends from the mere hangers-on. The ones who remain are special. They have now seen you at your most vulnerable and still seek you out. That’s pretty damn cool. Enjoy the security and comfort provided by the stalwart confidantes, but also don’t be afraid to seek out…

New Beginnings

Just like we experience a surge of energy at the beginning of a new year, a new school term or after a birthday, divorce also clears away the old and leaves room for the new. Anything is possible when nothing is certain. Rather than focus on the loss, choose to see the potential. Because when you’re rebuilding your life from the ground up, you have…

Wisdom

Divorce is a helluva teacher. Don’t let those lessons go to waste.

 

 

The Best is Yet to Come

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had a conversation the other day where I challenged someone to describe the good that came from a recent and devastating break-up (I know, you’re shocked, right?).

Part of her response-

I love knowing that my best and happiest love is yet to come. I have that to look forward to.

She actually made me speechless with that assessment. In all my years of dissecting out every little scrap of good from my horrific divorce, this was one benefit I never unearthed. And yet, as soon as I heard it, I felt it.

And she’s right.

 

It’s so easy to grasp onto what was rather than hold hope for what can be.

It’s so easy to view the past through a rose tint and imagine that no future can ever measure up.

It’s so easy to focus on what has been lost rather than what can be gained.

It’s so easy to fill up on sadness and not leave room for smiles.

 

We zero in on what we know and what we know is the past, the pain.

Try making the belief that the best is yet to come at the center of your heart and aim your thoughts that way.

 

What I love about her words is that they focus on hope. They build excitement and anticipation. They speak of an assurance that our hearts are capable of love even after heartbreak.

The best is yet to come.

Are you ready for it?

 

Guest Post: Who Wins in a Break Up?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

While I am away for a few days, I am sharing a series of guest posts from some awesome bloggers. Today’s post is from April, who describes herself as

…small but strong. Scottish, but have been living in London for the past nine years. I love coffee, cats, olives, and watching reruns of The Golden Girls. I can’t stand spiders. Or Richard Gere.

This year, I turned 32. And while all my friends are getting married and creating new people, I’ve been facing the toughest year of my life. Alone. Because last summer the man who I thought I was going to marry ate half a pizza and then told me he had never been in love with me.

It’s been a year of learning. I’ve learned just how low you can feel, and then woke up feeling worse the next day. I’ve also learned just how much you can grow as a person, and how important your connections to friends and family are. Dare I say it, I’ve learned what it really means to love.

My blog www.pizzaofdoom.com started as a way of getting the terrible thoughts in my head out of my head. Over the past eleven months it’s become a collection of musings and tales. Many of which seem to help others feel better too. I suppose, it’s become a success story. Not least because I can eat pizza again these days.

Her writing is like her – wee but strong, wisdom contained in punchy and witty prose. You only realize you’ve learned something after you stop laughing!

 

Who wins in a break up?

I’ve always been competitive to the extreme. It’s the reason I can’t go ten-pin bowling with friends. Or run with other people. Or play Monopoly. Ever. So, when the man I thought I was going to marry ate half a pizza before telling me he’d never been in love with me and sashaying out of my life, I didn’t want him to win.

Specifically, I didn’t want him to move on and find someone else before I did. After all, justice, karma and basic human decency would seem to dictate that I should immediately meet someone smarter and more handsome, and then live happily ever after. That would be fair. Right?

Well, nearly a year after the pizza of doom, I have not found someone else. I have a strong feeling (based on nothing more than my guts and a visit to a psychic – yeah – it’s been an interesting year) that he has met someone. Regardless, I’m alone. Which makes that crazy competitor inside me really, really mad.

But as I look back I realise, while I haven’t gained a new partner, I have gained an awful lot. I’ve dated. Yes, it took longer than I expected to be ready. And, yes, one real gent from Tinder abandoned me after 40 minutes claiming to be “extremely unwell”. But I’ve kissed other men. I’ve slept with someone else (and it was fantastic). None of these men turned out to be the love of my life, but one turned out to be a good friend who I’m now planning a trip to Japan with, and who I meet up with every week to write. Because – oh yes – that’s right – I also started writing again. I started a blog. I got back to working on lots of little writing projects that had been forgotten. And turning words into stories makes me feel all kinds of excited.

Desperate for distractions, I tried new things too. Started an Italian class (buon giorno). Started running. Started yoga. OK, I get a tad competitive in yoga (I was the first person in the class to manage a handstand, I just need you to know that). But things that I began as “distractions” have become my favourite parts of the week, and brought new people and connections into my life.

So do I lose because I haven’t found Prince Charming yet?

I’m no scientist, or an expert in any sense of the word, but I’m pretty sure our competitive instincts are the same as our survival instincts. We’re wired to compete because if we outperform others, we live. Survival of the fittest. Well, when I think about how much I’ve accomplished, I know that I’ve done more than survive. Because when my dreams got crushed, my world got bigger. And I got wiser and stronger. If I’ve outperformed anyone, it’s the April I would otherwise have been.

It really doesn’t matter what my ex is doing. Or anyone else for that matter. Because when you move beyond the realms of survival, life is not a competition – and love is certainly not. What’s important is that you’ve faced challenges and come out the other side feeling even stronger. That you’ve taken the decimated foundations of your life, cleaned them up, and built something even better.

All that really matters is that you’re happy. Because when you find that happiness inside, you can’t make comparisons with anyone else. It’s a personal thing.

So you don’t need to compete to come out on top.

I know. Because I win.