Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You discovered that your partner cheated.

Whether they decided to come clean or were caught in the act, there are certain excuses that cheaters tend to utter. These overarching phrases have a tendency to try to pass off blame and in doing so raise the ire of the betrayed spouse. Here’s what you’re likely to hear and the important truths that may be hiding behind the words.

“It was an accident.”

This excuse is especially infuriating because it implies that you’re a fool at the same time it completely brushes off any responsibility of the cheating parties. It also confuses intent with action. Even if the decision was not carefully premeditated, there were still plenty of opportunities to make a better choice before the clothes came off.

What it may mean… “I never thought I would cheat. I don’t see myself as a cheater. In some ways, that made me more vulnerable to the bad decision because I didn’t think that it could happen to me.”

“But I still love you.”

Sometimes this is uttered in an attempt to retain a hold on the marriage, either exclusively or in addition to the affair partner. Other times, it’s delivered as part of a “smoothing over” campaign, trying to limit the fallout from the affair. Sometimes the cheater honestly seems to believe that love fixes all. Including betrayal.

What it may mean… “I do love you. But I’m realizing that love is a lot harder than I expected. I’m afraid of losing you and I’m also afraid of being honest with you (or myself). But more than anything, I’m afraid of being alone.”

“What did you expect? After all, you…”

This excuse places the blame for the affair solely on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. They may be painted as controlling, out of shape or overly focused on the kids or work. This is a devious excuse because there is often an element of truth in their chosen words. However, marital problems warrant a conversation, not an affair.

What it may mean… “I’ve never learned to accept responsibility. From my grades in school to my behavior in relationships, I always pass things off as somebody else’s fault. I don’t know how to admit to messing up.”

“You should have known it was going on.”

Again, the blame is shifted to the partner, only this time because of their trusting nature. Cheaters have a way of thinking that everybody behaves like them. Therefore, it’s your fault that you weren’t suspicious enough. Of course, this excuse conveniently ignores the fact that it’s too late by the time there is something to discover.

What it may mean… “Part of me wanted to get caught. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

This is a strange one to hear. On the one hand, it can be comforting to learn that (supposedly) there was no meaningful connection with the affair partner, that it was a meaningless fling. On the other hand, it’s hard to swallow that trust was destroyed for something that lacked significance.

What it may mean… “I don’t want to hurt or anger you any more than I already have. I’m not sure what it all means yet. I’m confused about how I feel.”

“If you were more open-minded…”

Cheaters have a propensity towards selfishness, putting their desires above the wants and needs of others. This excuse is an after-the-fact rewriting of the marital vows that again shifts the culpability to the betrayed partner.

What it may mean… “I’m not sure if traditional monogamy works for me. I’m interested in exploring other options but I’m not yet comfortable or brave enough to have that conversation.”

“I needed to feel appreciated/desired/understood.”

This is one of those excuses that is worth listening to in order to extract the truth within. Not feeling appreciated and desired is a common reason for an affair, the new attention filling the experienced void. Of course, this deficit is only compounded with an affair. A conversation is a much better place to start.

What it may mean… “I’m hurting. I don’t feel like I’m important to you or wanted by you. When the affair partner expressed such desire for me, I felt alive and full for the first time in a long time.”

“It won’t happen again.”

And maybe it won’t. The words here are unimportant; it’s the actions that matter. Has all contact been cut off? Have the reasons for the infidelity been explored? Has responsibility been accepted? If these things haven’t happened, then this is truly an excuse and better ignored.

What it may mean… “At this moment, I don’t plan on ever doing it again. But I also feel weak. Powerless. I’ll try to do better.”

The words spoken by somebody caught cheating are usually a combination of projection (accusing you of what they’re doing), reflection (looking at the reasons for their choices) and misdirection (trying to pass off blame).

For the betrayed, find comfort in the fact that most of their words are about trying to make themselves feel better. Try not to take it too personally. On the other hand, an affair is a wake up call. Make sure you listen to what it’s telling you about your marriage and about how you respond in relationships.

And at the end of the day, accept responsibility for your part but refuse to take the blame for theirs.

And for a positive spin on a totally sucky situation –

Ten Unexpected Episodes That Left Me Feeling Triggered

Posted on by stilllearning2b
triggered

After my former life imploded with a tsunami divorce, there were some situations that I knew would be difficult to face. In order to avoid being triggered, I drove the long way to avoid seeing my former neighborhood with the entrance sign that my husband fabricated the letters for. I was cautious not to go to “our” restaurant alone or when I was feeling low. Looking ahead, I knew that I would struggle with any hints of abandonment. And I studiously avoided any media that dealt with the subject of affairs or fraud.

But then there were the unexpected triggers. Those seemingly innocent events or circumstances that sucker-punched me to my knees, my head swirling with flashbacks instead of cartoon birds. In hindsight, these seem innocuous. Silly, even. Yet they were anything but at the time they occurred.

In chronological order, these were the ten unexpected episodes that left me feeling triggered:

A Tap on the Shoulder

It was just an innocent and perfectly acceptable tap. A student needed my attention while the class was testing. Not wanting to make any noise and coming up from behind me, she simply tapped me on my shoulder. Three months earlier, it would have been a non-event. But that day?

Oh, it was an event.

You see, my ex and I had this little game where we would tap the other on the shoulder at random times as a way to request a kiss. So when that student tapped my shoulder, I felt my stomach take an express elevator down as I again realized the enormity of what I had lost.

The Words, “Dear Reader”

My ex used to write creative fiction when he was in high school and he often shared these stories with me. He had this habit of occasionally addressing the reader directly which always got under my skin (although I never said anything).

Years later, after he abandoned me, was arrested and released on bail, he attempted suicide after emailing my mom and his other wife a suicide note. The tone reminded me of those youthful stories with its undercurrent of “dear reader,” as though he was doing us a favor.

I made it several months before I encountered those words in a book written by some completely innocent author. The text was flung across the room before it found its way back to the library.

A Traffic Jam

Years ago, I read a scientific article about how traffic jams are actually related to fluid dynamics and how understanding the latter has led to unique strategies in major cities. Excited about this information, I shared the study with my husband. He laughed at me and soon “fluid dynamics” became a joke whenever we were stranded in Atlanta traffic.

Since I stayed close to home after the tsunami divorce, months passed before I was impacted by traffic. As my car came to a stop behind miles of red brake lights, I automatically said the words, “damned fluid dynamics” as tears poured down my face. I would never again have someone to share that joke with.

Getting Picked Up at the Airport

I knew to steal myself for the hazardous materials sign at the entrance to security since that was the last place I ever saw my husband while he was still my husband. But I didn’t expect to have a panic attack on the other end of the trip.

My now-husband, then-boyfriend promised to pick me up after a visit back to Texas. As I stood at the curb waiting for him to arrive, I realized that I half expected him to not show, which is what I believe my ex husband had originally planned before concern for the dogs changed his approach.

When my boyfriend’s car pulled up as promised, I shook with both relief and release of stored trauma.

Small Lies of No Consequence

I teach middle school. And middle schooler lie. Often. About stupid things.

In the past, I could laugh off these stupid lies even as I made it clear that I wasn’t going to fall for it. After all, I knew that these fibs weren’t personal. They were just the excuses offered up by teenagers with partially-formed brains and a desire to avoid consequences.

But something changed after I learned that I had been living a lie crafted by my ex. An allergy of sorts. Any exposure to falsehoods and I would have a severe reaction. For the first time in my entire career, I would have to excuse myself so that I could calm down before responding to a kid.

The Air Blower at the Entrance to Home Depot

I walked through the entrance of Home Depot, the rush of air drowning out all of my senses. When I came to on the other side of the blast, I found myself transported to the past.

Money Moved From One Account to Another

This was a silly one. My now-husband and I had a gift account from our wedding and we had agreed to move the money to our joint savings account. But apparently my emotions didn’t remember this agreement.

I’m proud of how I handled this one.

A Basement Theater

I’m not so proud of how I handled this one. My ex husband built himself an office in the basement. In reality, it was command central for his other life. Needless to say, I developed a bit of an aversion to basements after this.

So when my now-husband wanted to build a theater downstairs, I responded in a pretty poor manner, letting fear do the talking for me.

Ugh. I’d like to forget that particular outburst.

Mums

This one was a surprise. After all, they’re just flowers. But when I saw them – and appreciated them – I suddenly realized how much I had allowed my ex to be my voice.

Winning Teacher of the Year

I received the honor of Teacher of the Year towards the end of my first marriage. My husband was gone at the time (allegedly on a work assignment) yet he had flowers delivered to my classroom before he even knew that I won. Months later, he attended the awards ceremony with me. The professional photos from that night were the last we had taken of us as a couple.

Exactly ten years later, I won again. My husband was out of town.

Gulp.

I had to remind myself that I married a very different man this time. Which soon became evident. My ex sent expensive flowers to my work where they would be sure to be admired by others. My now-husband made an immediate Facebook post talking about how proud he was of his wife. The flowers came, but to the house. They weren’t meant for public adoration.

The triggers came fast and furious in the beginning. Over time, they lessened in both intensity and frequency. It’s been over a year-and-a-half since I was last triggered. I’d like to say that I’m done with them, but I also know that life likes to keep us on our toes. Luckily, I trust now that the feelings will fade and the event will lose its power to impact me.

The best things about triggers is that once they are defused, they are harmless.

When You’re Not Ready to Hear the Message

Posted on by stilllearning2b
not ready to hear the message

“How could you not have known what was going on?” my friend gently implored after learning about my then-husband’s betrayals and deceptions.

“I don’t know!” I lashed out, “I’m not the one at fault at fault here. He lied. He did this to me. He destroyed everything.” The words were sharp in my mouth. My friend’s well-intentioned question felt like an additional attack. A further betrayal. A fire burned in my belly while the gate slammed shut over my heart.

I was not ready to hear the message.

Many months later, my pen explored a version of the same question within the safe confines of my journal, “Why was I not able to see what was going on in my marriage?” This time the question felt different. The threat was gone, replaced with curiosity and a desire to understand myself better. I no longer saw my taking on responsibility for my role in the marriage as absolving him from his role in its demise.

The first time this question was posed, I was not yet ready to hear the message. I was too hurt, too fragile. At that time, all of my energy was directed outwards towards him. It felt safer that way. After all, he was gone and therefore, a safe receptacle for my rage. But to look inward? Well, that was scary. After all, I would have to live with whatever I found there.

When I considered the question again, I was in a different space. Much of the initial anger had faded, like the receding waters after a summer deluge, leaving raised welts behind to show where its power had molded the very earth. I had begun to accept the limits of blaming him. I could scream obscenities at him into the night sky until the stars grew dim, but all that would happen is that my voice would run out.

Blame feels good, but ultimately leads to a dead end.

I understood then why my friend asked that question. She knew that whatever lived inside me that was too scared to see the truth would need to be exposed and explored if I was going to be able to heal from the life assault. And by the time I wrote down that query in my journal, I was ready to do the work.

With addicts, we generally understand that you cannot force them to face their addiction and seek treatment until they are ready. If confronted too soon, they lash back or aggressively deny any claims that they are in over their heads. The addiction wants to protect itself and until its host is ready for the battle, any attempts to dislodge it will fall flat.

Healing isn’t much different. We desperately grasp onto our identity as the hurt one or the victim because we fear that it is all we have left. And so when well-intentioned people suggest that we have some responsibility in our own healing or that the one that hurt us is not all-monster, we become defensive and angry. Not yet ready to hear the message.

Perhaps the biggest gift that time brings is a softening. Like butter left out on the counter on a warm afternoon, we begin to lose our sharp edges and consider that maybe things are not as absolute as they once seemed.

Pay attention to those well-intentioned queries that cause you to pull back like a wound has been touched. Those are the very areas that likely need attention. Maybe not today. But once you’re ready to hear the message.

15 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”

Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.

Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.

While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.


Am I still breathing?

Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”

Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?

The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.

It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”

Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?

After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.

Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.

What has been taken from me?

This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.

And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.

And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.

What do I wish my spouse could understand?

Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.

Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.

So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?

If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.

Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?

The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.

And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.

Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?

These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.

What if it’s not about me?

I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.

And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.

So, what if it’s not about you?

Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?

Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?

I ask you this – Why would you let a person of questionable character determine your worth?

Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?

This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.

Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.

What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?

I know. This is a big ask.

I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.

My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.

That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.

Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.

So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?

What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?

When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.

Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.

Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.

Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?

Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).

When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.

What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?

Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.

But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?

I bet you do.

Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.

What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?

Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?

I bet you do.

Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.

I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.

How does this impact how I view relationships?

Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?

Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.

Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –

How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We’ve all heard it so much that it has become trite – “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.” There’s truth in that statement because when we look for love outside of ourselves before we’ve found it within, we’re likely to end up in one of the following relationships:


Accepting Mistreatment

This is perhaps the most tragic result of a lack of self-worth. When you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll put up with a lot of abuse and neglect because you believe that is what you are worth.

This pattern is self-perpetuating. The abuser needs you to believe that you are less-than so that they can continue their threats and mistreatment. Their negative words join those that already reside inside your head, creating a cacophony of self-hate.

Perhaps this pattern is anchored in childhood or maybe it became learned during adulthood. Regardless of its origin, the first step in breaking out of an abusive relationship is believing that you deserve better. Because you absolutely do. The way they are treating you says more about their demons than you’re worth. Never forget that.

Tolerating a Controlling Partner

Some partners fall short of abusive, but they seek to unduly influence others because of their own fears of being rejected or abandoned. When your sense of self is low, it’s easier to accept this power imbalance because you doubt your own contributions.

When you don’t believe that your words matter, it’s hard to speak up. If you constantly downplay your ideas, you’re leaving a void for someone else to fill. When you allow someone else to make decisions for you, you’re communicating that they have more value than you.

Practice small. Set some easier boundaries. Practice having the difficult conversations. Build your confidence. Your words matter. Your ideas matter. YOU matter.

Acting As a People Pleaser

Not all relationships that come from a place of lacking self-love are abusive or controlling. Sometimes, the damaging patterns are much more subtle and may even be mistaken for a positive trait.

When you struggle to love yourself, you are holding onto a fear that others will not love or accept you. Often, this fear manifests in desperate – and often unhealthy – attempts to make others like you or to make yourself indispensable to them. These actions can serve to keep people in your life, but you’ll always wonder if they love you, or merely what you can do for them.

The same actions have an entirely different feeling when you’re doing them from a place of service or generosity instead of fear. Practice separating who you are from what you do. Put safeguards in place to ensure that you’re not giving more of yourself than you can afford. And make sure that when you’re trying to please others, that you place yourself on that list too.

Afraid to Leave Yet Not Happy Staying

Are you staying with the wrong person because you’re afraid of never finding someone else that will love you? When you harbor a belief that you’re lucky to have found someone that thinks you’re worth their time, you become paralyzed within that relationship, afraid to leap because you’re convinced that there is nothing else for you.

When you’re struggling to love yourself, the thought of being by yourself is terrifying. After all, who wants to spend every day alone with somebody they don’t like? As a result, you may elect to stay with someone…anyone to avoid being alone.

Make learning to accept yourself your number one priority. Learn to be okay – or even happy – in short stints by yourself. Slowly increase the duration until you start to believe that you are enough all on your own. You don’t need anyone else to complete you because you’re already whole.

It Starts Here…

We all want to feel loved and accepted. When we don’t feel that way towards ourselves, we often attempt to seek it from an external source, believing that we will be okay once somebody loves us. The problem with this belief is that it has it backwards – Love from another doesn’t make you accept your own worth. Your own worth attracts love from another.

The first step to finding a healthy relationship with another is creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

It all begins with you.