Self-Doubt During Times of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I spent some time this morning journaling about self-doubt. And since this is a common reaction during periods of change and divorce certainly qualifies as a major life renovation, I decided to share my thoughts with you –

  • Self-doubt is a normal, natural and expected part of any transition.
  • It is temporary and it’s worst at the beginning when there is more planning/expectation and less progress/action.
  • Be careful not to feed your self-doubt. I have noticed that mine is fed through certain Facebook groups, information that feels overwhelming and conversations with people that either dismiss or amplify my anxieties (it feels best when people both hear my fear and also express their belief in me). I need to consciously limit my exposure to these, especially when I’m feeling more doubt.
  • Fears WILL change over time. What seems the scariest right now will become less intimidating and then new fears will emerge. Again, normal.
  • Hard is not impossible. We teach this to kids all the time. We may be older and more set in our ways, but the concept still applies. Besides, anything worthwhile in life takes effort.
  • What real evidence do you have to support your self-doubt? Probably less than you initially think.
  • What other times did you experience self-doubt? How long did it last? What did you do right to get through it? How do you feel about that scenario now? I reflected back on when I first started teaching (which was terrifying). The self-doubt built as I finished my degree and I went through the first few months of teaching feeling like an imposter. I did quite a bit right – I had mentors, I listened to lots of advice (and generally tried it to see if it fit before deciding if I should keep or discard it), I gathered an abundance of information, I made connections and I kept going. Now, teaching is automatic and I feel extremely confident in any related environment.
  • Take it slowly. It’s an elephant. Don’t choke.
  • Seriously, take it one day at a time.
  • After all, it’s not like you have a choice in that.
  • Unless you can go into suspended animation and awake only when the transition is over??? (If anyone knows how to do this, please message me.)
  • List your skills and strengths that are going to help you through this. And no, self-doubt is not a strength.
  • Confidence building will be important critical. What makes you feel confident? For me, I need a combination of things that get me out of my head (exercise, I’m looking at you!), things I’m good at and things that make me feel more secure.
  • Unplug. Take a break. Step away. Pushing all the time doesn’t make you stronger. It makes you tired.
  • This is exciting!!! No, really. That feeling in your stomach? That’s enthusiasm, not dread. You have an opportunity to learn, to grow, to challenge assumptions. You are entering a new world. It’s time to explore.
  • It’s an adventure. Be curious about what might lie around the next corner.
  • Self-doubt is not a stop sign. It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s only a sign that you’re doing something different.
  • Big rewards only come from risk.
  • Besides, things change no matter what. Isn’t it nice when you at least get to have some say in them?
  • You got this.
  • No, really. You do.
  • Your self-doubt is kind of like that bitchy girl back in middle school who puts everyone else down because deep inside, she’s really insecure. Your self-doubt is speaking from its own fears, not your limitations.
  • One day, you will feel comfortable and confident about this and wonder why you were so silly with all this angst.
  • You. Got. This. (and I do too)

Fear of the Future

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My many years of teaching 8th grade has offered a unique perspective. The entire year is a crossroads, a place where childhood and independence meet and often vie for dominance. The kids are excited for their increased freedoms and new opportunities.

But they’re also scared.

They seem to recognize that the life, the relationships and the security that they have known has a deadline.

And that soon, they will have to face a future that they worry they’re not prepared for.

As adults, we watch them grapple with these realizations and we offer words of advice and comfort that come from our additional years of living and navigating change. We smile at their naiveté and their assurances that they will manage to control all elements of their life path.

And yet even while we offer them guidance, we often struggle with similar fears.

Because, let’s face it.

The future, with its infinite possibilities and endless opportunities for challenges, can be downright terrifying. And just like with my students, these fears are at their most vocal during times of transition.

There are five primary fears that can contribute to an apprehension about the future:

 

1 – “I don’t know what’s coming.”

There’s a reason we often talk through what’s going to happen at a doctor’s visit or on Halloween with young children – once we know what’s coming, it loses some of its power to scare us.

We tend to be most afraid of the future when it seems to stretch out into darkness, when we have to summon the faith to take blind steps not knowing what lurks in the shadows. And the problem with an unknown future is that we view it as a threat and so we go in armed, more apt to attack than explore.

We don’t need to have a crystal ball or an approved life script to prepare ourselves for what’s coming. Energy spent planning and preparing can go a long way towards easing your fears, even if those fears never come to fruition.

 

2 – “I won’t be able to handle it.”

Much like with any new challenge, we are uncertain with our abilities as we learn to adapt to the new demands. And since the future is a challenge we haven’t faced before, we worry that we won’t pass muster and that we will ultimately fail to rise to the test.

And at first, it may feel like it’s too much. Life often has a way of presenting us with a 200-lb barbell when we’re still struggling to lift a 20-lb dumbbell. But then, a little at a time, you get stronger. And what was once impossible is now completely doable.

When we peer off the cliff edge down into the unknown future, we’re picturing the person we are today trying to handle the challenges of tomorrow. What we often fail to appreciate is the wisdom, strength and training that we gain along the way.

 

3 – “The future won’t be as good as what I have known.”

The only thing certain is the past. So if you want certainty, that’s where you’ll have set up camp.

We have this way of rose-tinting the past and coal-smudging a future that we fear. And we know what we have treasured in our lives. Those memories gain prominence and importance over the years, developing a shine as we take them out and run over them again. Any grit that accompanied those memories has been worn away in time.

And the future, with its jagged edges, threatens to never be able to compete with those treasured times.

Yet one day, that future that you now fear will provide more memories that you treasure.

 

4 – “Change means losing what I have.”

We’re hardwired to fear change. We have more aversion to loss than we do anticipation for what might be gained.

And so we often, we freeze. Thinking that if we just stay still, stay quiet, that the status quo will continue. Anticipatory grief and regret keeping us locked in inaction.

Yet the scary – and also freeing – truth is this.

Even if you change nothing, everything will will change.

That’s just how life works.

Some people and things come in and others move out.

Which if you think about it, is as natural as breathing.

 

5 – “I can’t control the future.”

No, you can’t.

But you do have some say in the control that future has over you.

If you can’t stop what’s coming and you can’t prevent change, why allow a fear of the future to dictate your life now?

 

 

 

 

What Anxiety Can Look Like

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the inside, anxiety is pretty easy to identify – a tightness in the chest or stirring in the belly, overactive thoughts that tend towards the, “What if?” and an underlying sense of fear or dread.

But from the outside?

Anxiety can take many different forms, some of which may resemble a different root cause entirely.

 

Anxiety can look like aloofness.

When someone is anxious, they’re not living in the world; they’re living in their head. To others, it can seem like they’re withdrawn, not interested in engaging. Yet the reality is that they’re so busy battling the thoughts in their head that they don’t have the attention to spare towards those around them.

 

Anxiety can look like pessimism.

It’s not that those that struggle with anxiety only see the negative; it’s that they believe that they have to anticipate all of the possible outcomes so that they can be prepared for any eventuality. When good things happen (or seem about to happen), anxious people have a hard time accepting it because their brains are still telling them that things can change in an instant.

 

Anxiety can look like perfectionism.

Anxiety likes to have things in order. It’s a lie the anxious brain likes to use, “If you can do everything right, you’ll be okay.” And so the drive towards perfectionism is strong and the fear of falling short (which of course, is inevitable), is equally as powerful.

 

Anxiety can look like having trouble committing.

“Am I doing the right thing?” anxiety questions before agreeing to something. “What if there’s a better option?” the mind asks. Those that are anxious often spend substantial time researching and weighing options before making a decision. And even once a decision is made, the doubts may persist.

 

Anxiety can look like high achievement.

Anxiety has an energy to it and often that energy acts like a motor that drives achievement. The anxious mind has trouble relaxing, which combined with a fear of failure can lead to some impressive achievements. Not that the anxious person will ever relax and enjoy their successes.

 

Anxiety can look like a need for control.

An anxious brain tries to anticipate every potential outcome. And of course, those outcomes are limitless. So to improve the odds, an anxious person will often try to control the situation and steer the outcomes a certain direction.

 

Anxiety can look like struggling with time.

Those with anxiety often have a dysfunctional relationship with time – they either believe there is not enough or they avoid thinking about it altogether. As a result, they will either be too early late, believe they will never get it done or put it off until the last possible minute.

 

Anxiety can look like a failure to begin.

“Am I doing the right thing?” “Am I qualified to do this?” “What if I fail?” These thoughts mean that the anxious person can spend an inordinate amount of time on the starting block, scared of taking that first step. This can lead to unfulfilled promises of action.

 

Anxiety can look like an entertainer.

For some, the anxiety is channeled into performance. They are always “on,” often the center of the party. By playing a role, they are able to find some distance from their unease. And by shifting the attention towards their performance, they are able to hide their anxiety.

 

Anxiety can look like a calm exterior.

Many people with anxiety hide it very well. While they may be panicking inside, their demeanor doesn’t even register the slightest elevation of pulse.

 

Whether you experience anxiety yourself or have someone in your life that struggles with it, once you recognize its disguises, you are better prepared to handle it appropriately.

Progress and Room to Grow

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Because of the nature of my first marriage (conflict-less because of a deadly combination of his tendency to lie about everything and my inclination to avoid anything too anxiety-provoking) and the way that it ended (suddenly and without warning), I have struggled at times with my now-husband.

In the beginning, I alternated between being totally flooded and in a panic about being abandoned again at the slightest sense of conflict or withdrawal to an “I’m out of here” conclusion as my traumatized brain assumed the worst about a situation. Additionally, my f’ed up brain decided that if I wasn’t the “perfect wife,” I would again be dropped. Of course, that doesn’t lead to good things because I could never do enough to calm the anxiety and none of this was stuff my husband asked for (or expected) anyways. And then for the cherry on top, I had a hard time bringing up the difficult conversations, my years of avoiding anything anxiety-producing had trained me well.

It’s been years of work learning how to change these patterns. I can now initiate the difficult conversations and I’m more able to stay present during them instead of disappearing into an emotional whirlpool. I trust that my now-husband is in it for the long haul and that he is not a quitter or a coward. As I process a disagreement or issue, I’m finding less and less that it directly has more to do with my past than my present.

Which is good.

But of course, the past is still imprinted on my being. I still have a tendency to take everything too personally and respond at a level ten to something that should be counted on one hand’s worth of fingers. I get in my head too much, thinking when I should be being. And it’s a vicious cycle. Because when I get this way, I become more convinced that I’ll be left again. Which then leads me right back to where I started.

There’s obviously room to grow.

I think part of my recent anxiety is tied to my upcoming trip (I leave in the morning!!!). It’s been almost ten years to the day since I left to go visit my father in Seattle. On that trip, like with any trip, I expected to return to Atlanta and my life at its conclusion.

But that life disintegrated while I was gone.

I returned to an empty home. A missing husband. A depleted bank account. A gutted heart and a shredded soul.

There is nothing in my life now that suggests that scene will ever be repeated. But I think it’s there in my subconscious mind, softly whispering, “what if?” and making me more needy, more sensitive and yes, more anxious.

I’ve come a long way in the last ten years. But I still have a ways to go.

Anxiety After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The dictionary defines anxiety as, “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” Well, it’s no wonder then that anxiety becomes a constant companion for many facing divorce, which certainly epitomizes an “imminent event…with an uncertain outcome.”

It’s normal to feel anxious before, during and after divorce. You’re experiencing a period of loss and transition at the same time you may be struggling to reconnect with your very identity and purpose. That’s stressful no matter how you look at it.

Anxiety around divorce can be focused on one or more specific areas, or it may be more generalized and diffuse. The feeling may be clear-cut and easy to recognize or it can manifest in more subtle ways. Regardless of the particular nature of your divorce-related anxiety, the more you understand it, the better you can learn to navigate – and eventually curtail – it.

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What You’re Anxious About

 

The Practical Concerns

These are often the first worries that manifest – How will I pay the bills without their income? Where will I live? How will we manage custody? What will the legal process be like?

There are so many important details of daily life that divorce impacts. And most of these have to be dealt with yesterday. Add the very real financial costs of divorce and it’s no wonder you’re losing sleep.

 

Personal Strength and Fortitude

“I’m not strong enough to get through this” is one of the first thoughts that many people have when they realize that divorce is imminent. The emotions threaten to drown you and the sheer amount of tasks you have to complete is completely overwhelming.

Maybe you’ve never been tested like this before and so you have no track record with which to reassure yourself of your tenacity. Or maybe you’re worried about the duration of this transition – how can you keep going when the finish line isn’t even marked?

 

The Impact on the Kids

From the first moment you gazed into your newborn’s eyes, a need to protect them from all harm has permeated your every cell.   Yet no matter how deftly you wield your shield, you cannot block all of life’s slings and arrows from reaching your child. And for many children, their parent’s divorce is the first major emotional injury they face.

It’s difficult to watch your child suffer. Their pain ricochets through you like an unreturned racquetball in an empty court. You feel helpless as your normal platitudes and kisses fail to sooth this particular wound and guilty that you failed to protect them in the first place.

from 7 Vital Lessons Divorce Teaches Children

It’s no wonder you’re anxious. You worry about the impact that this family transition will have on your children. You agonize over the pain they’re facing. You stress about how this might affect them moving forward. You lose sleep over the relationship they have with their other parent. And most of all, you constantly question if you’re doing the right thing, making the right decisions.

 

 

 

Emotional Reactions

I remember being so afraid of my emotional response. It felt like being pulled along by some powerful riptide, threatening to drown me at any moment.

The emotional reactions after divorce are strong, variable and unpredictable. You never know if you’re going to break down crying in the middle of a work presentation, burst into inappropriate laughter in a meeting your attorney or fly of the handle in a fit of rage because a form asked for you to indicate your marital status.

And this uncertainty combined with a feeling that you no longer have control over your inner world, leads to a great deal of anxiety.

 

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Future Happiness

“Will I ever be happy again?” you wonder. And your anxious brain is ready with a reply – “No.”

You worry that the best years have already happened and that it’s all downhill from here. You wonder if this divorce will always be your defining moment. And you stress as you contemplate the thought that maybe you’re broken and that you cannot be repaired.

 

The Views of Others

You feel like those around you are judging you, labeling you as a “quitter” or quietly assuming that you failed as a person in order to have a failed marriage. Their voices – real or imagined – join your own, doubts and criticisms circling around your head like tubes in a lazy river.

This anxiety may extend to your general social standing and connections. Maybe you are now losing the family that you’ve grown to love and cherish. Perhaps you worry that you no longer fit into the “couples only club” that is your primary friend group. Or, in your cultural or religious group, divorce may be viewed as a sin and you’re shunned for your circumstances.

 

New Relationships and Finding Love Again

You worry that your ex was your soulmate and that you somehow screwed up your only chance for love. The thought of dating again is downright terrifying and you wonder if anybody will love the older, more jaded, and less tolerant version of you. And that’s of course assuming that there are even people out there that you’d be interested in.

Finding love is only the starting place for your anxiety. Then comes the question of keeping it. After all, you don’t have such a great track record right now. You worry that you’re going to end up in this same place again.

 

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How the Anxiety Manifests

 

A Feeling of Being “Driven”

Anxiety has energy. It is an accelerant. A propellant. The focus of this drive can vary, turning towards everything from your performance at work to finding out every detail possible about the person your ex cheated on you with. Sometimes anxiety feels like you’re being driven by a motor but you’re spinning your wheels.

 

Obsessive Thoughts

You may be obsessively wondering how your ex could have acted the way they did. Or maybe you’re fixated on something you did that contributed to the collapse of the marriage. Anxiety often causes our thoughts to become trapped like the water above a blocked drain, as we desperately sift through them looking for a way to control the outcome.

 

Avoidance and Distractions

Anxiety is not a comfortable feeling. So when something causes undo stress, we often avoid it in order to eliminate that discomfort. This can manifest by intentionally or subconsciously avoiding locations or situations that you know will trigger an emotional reaction. Others may turn to distractions (everything from dating to work) in an attempt to give a wide berth to anything that may cause anxiety to spike.

 

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A Sense of Futility

Anxiety is the world’s greatest pessimist. It will always tell you that not only is the glass empty, but the glass is cracked and will never hold anything of substance again. If you’re feeling defeated and assuming that it’s a permanent state, that may be your anxiety talking.

 

Restlessness

Are you feeling a need to redecorate your entire home? Or maybe move to a new home – or country – altogether? Do you have trouble staying still and you seem to always find something to keep you busy? Anxiety has its own fear – a fear of stillness and quiet. So when you’re anxious, you’re often restless.

 

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How to Handle Your Anxiety

 

Call in the Professionals

Get help if you need it! There is no shame in asking for help. In fact, admitting a need for and accepting help are great signs of strength.

How do you know if you need help with your anxiety? Here are some signs that it’s time:

  • Your anxiety is interfering with your ability to carry out the basic functions of daily life
  • The divorce is history, yet your anxiety still remains
  • Symptoms of depression are present along with the anxiety
  • You’re turning to substances to help you manage your anxiety
  • Your children are being impacted by your anxiety
  • You want to improve your anxiety but you don’t know how

 

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Incorporate Exercise

Exercise won’t cure anxiety, but if you exhaust the body, it has a tendency to tire out the mind as well. And when it comes to worrying, a tired mind is a happier mind.

Play around with different types of exercise. Perhaps you do best with yoga and its emphasis on breathing through discomfort. Or maybe running helps you process your thoughts and gives you a sense of progress. You may find that you’re drawn to martial arts, where your anxiety can be funneled into strikes and you gain a sense of power and strength.

The what doesn’t matter here. The regularity and commitment does. Figure out what works for you and practice it frequently.

 

Learn to Recognize Anxiety

Be aware of how anxiety manifests in your mind and body. Does your chest get tight? Your stomach upset? Your brain on overdrive?

Just being aware of these signs can 1) give you a sense of control over your anxiety and 2) provide you with an opportunity to do something about it. You’ve heard about love languages. This is the time to become fluent in your own fear language.

 

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Face Your Fears

When we avoid situations that cause us discomfort, we allow them to grow in size and power. Think about all of the times you’ve been afraid to do something, from jumping into a pool as a child or having a difficult conversation as an adult. How many times did you discover that the anticipation was worse than the reality? Quite a bit, I expect.

And also think about your mindset before and after you faced that fear. Before, you were fixated on the situation, playing out all of the possible outcomes and worrying about every one. After? Well, it no longer seemed so important and all of that mental energy no longer had to be allocated its direction.

It’s pretty simple, really. Not easy, but simple.

Avoidance makes your anxieties grow. Facing your fears diminishes their power.

 

Chart Your Progress

When it comes to healing from divorce, progress is so slow that it’s often imperceptible from your viewpoint. So document your journey. Bring awareness to your progress.

Journaling is one way to accomplish this. You can go back at any time and read your earlier entries to get a feeling of how far you’ve come. This serves to both help you recognize your strength and also gives you hope that things will continue to improve.

 

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Question Your Conclusions

Anxiety lies. Just think about it – when you’re sifting through all of the possible outcomes,  how many of them or positive or even neutral? Not very many, I expect. Yet, the reality is that many outcomes fall into these categories. But anxiety always assumes the worst.

So learn to question your conclusions. Where is this assumption coming from – facts or fears? If it’s the latter, you have permission to ignore the advice.

 

Implement a Gratitude Practice

When you’re grateful, you’re in the moment. When you’re anxious, you’re living in the future. Take some time every day to focus on those things that bring you joy and appreciation. Write them down in a place where you can return time and time again to literally count your blessings.

 

Listen to Others

We don’t do well when we live only within the echo chamber of our own minds. So allow other voices in. Hear their perceptive and their wisdom.

From others, we gain insight into ourselves and inspiration to keep trying.

 

Accept Anxiety as a Natural Response

We have evolved to experience anxiety as nature’s way of keeping us safe. We are primed to feel fear and uncertainty around novel situations to help guide our decisions in a safe direction.

Anxiety is natural. However, modern life doesn’t present us with the simple dilemmas our ancient ancestors faced. The question about whether the meat gained from hunting the large game is worth the risk has been replaced with the constant worry about your child’s ability to navigate the emotional fallout from divorce.

So it’s important to both accept your anxiety as a natural response to a potentially threatening and new situation and also expend effort to lessen your anxiety since the potential triggers are ongoing.

And always remember – you may feel anxious at any given moment, but YOU are not your anxiety.

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