A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 3

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Survival Guide for Days 1-10

Survival Guide for Days 11-20

Day Twenty-One

Divorce, especially if it involved infidelity or abandonment, does quite a number on your confidence. It’s so easy to internalize any messages of rejection.

Today, commit to trying any one of these 21 ideas to help you boost your confidence after divorce.

And, if you’re starting to doubt that you’re strong enough to handle all that is coming your way, read this.

You’re awesome. Never let somebody tell you otherwise.

courage

Day Twenty-Two

Sometimes you simply can’t be the bigger person. Sometimes you just have to let it all out – complaints, frustrations, snark and all. Some of this is purgative and some is ego-saving. And the rest is just the temper tantrum of a hurting heart.

It’s okay to vent.

Be careful who receives your unloading and don’t abuse their willingness to listen. And when you have their ear, don’t hold back.

Day Twenty-Three

It’s easy to become overwhelmed with the emotional impact of divorce and neglect the practical matters. Set aside an hour to create a short-term budget based upon your current and foreseeable situation. It doesn’t need to be perfect and don’t expect it to be permanent. It’s just to ensure that you have an idea of what is coming in and what is going out.

Day Twenty-Four

Take a baby step towards better.

The first month is spent dealing, not healing. Yet even though you’re having to expend your energy on the inevitable crises and changes and even though the tears are still a daily companion, you can start to take the first, small steps to your new life by memory layering.

Think of one event or location that reminds you of your why-aren’t-they-ex-yet?. Take a deep breath and visit that place with somebody(ies) else. Memories of your ex will surface. Let them. But also strive to intentionally start to create some new memories associated with that place. As the layers build over time, the memories of the ex will slowly be replaced with newer recollections.

suffering

Day Twenty-Five

Scream.

Yell.

It’s not fair.

You don’t deserve this.

You didn’t plan for this.

Divorce sucks.

I’m sorry.

Day Twenty-Six

Hope is powerful. If you know how to use it.

Find a physical representation of what you want your new life to be like. Your seed. You don’t have to plant it yet. Or water it.

Just know that it is there when you are ready.

The Gift

Day Twenty-Seven

Start to identify your purpose. Your identity.

You were more than your marriage and you are more than your divorce.

Find yourself again.

Begin to craft your life mission statement.

Don’t stress – it’s just a rough draft.

In fact, the editing process may never end. And that’s okay.

Day Twenty-Eight

Write your goals for the next year. Let some be small and easily attainable. Allow others to be dreams that seem to grand to achieve. Don’t censor yourself; let the ideas flow.

Remember that gratitude list? Post your goals next to it.

It’s a reminder to be okay with where you are at the same time to want to be better tomorrow than today.

IMG_6052

Day Twenty-Nine

Celebrate your progress. What have you accomplished in the past four weeks that you thought you couldn’t? In what way(s) have you progressed? It’s okay if it’s small – a full night’s rest, a day at work without tears. Every improvement is a victory. Treat it as such.

If you have been journaling, this is a great time to look back at your first entries to see your progress in black and white. You may find that you don’t even recognize that earlier version anymore.

Day Thirty

One month. You’ve made it.

You’re further along than you were 30 days ago.

And yet you’re still at the beginning.

Divorce is a marathon. Not a sprint. And you have to learn how to run the mile you’re in.

Every person is different. Every divorce is different.

And every timeline to healing is different. But here’s an idea of what you may expect.

And even though it doesn’t necessarily get easier.

You get stronger.

And one day, you’ll realize that your divorce has made you even better than before.

story

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 2

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Click here to read how to get through days 1-10!

Day Eleven

Breathe. In times of trauma and transition, it’s all-too-easy to limit the breath. Set aside some time, sit or lie down in a safe and comfortable space and invite the breath in. Put one hand on your belly and one hand on your chest and feel them expand.

BreatheYou are learning to breathe again.

Day Twelve

Watch your words.

Be careful what you say to others. Once it is uttered, it cannot be unsaid. Speak what you feel. Give voice to your fears. Try not to lash out in blame.

Be mindful of what you say to yourself. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. To thine own self be kind.

And when you slip up (and you WILL slip up), be gentle with yourself. And vow to keep working at getting better.

Day Thirteen

Take note of your support system. Who and what do you have in place to help you through the next several months? Are there any gaps? Brainstorm how to fill them in.

Compose a message to your primary supporters. Let them know specifically what they can do to help and also communicate anything you don’t want from them.

Day Fourteen

Get outside. You’ve spent two weeks feeling like your world is over. Get into the environment (I don’t care if it’s too hot/ too cold/ too wet – just do it!) and observe the natural cycles and the grand scale of life.

Your life isn’t over. It’s a season change. A painful and sudden one. But a change, not an end.

IMG_5948

Day Fifteen

Give yourself permission to grieve. You may feel as though you don’t have the right to mourn because everyone involved is still alive. You may feel as though you have not earned the right to be sad because you were somehow not enough. You may feel pressure and blame from others for “failing” at marriage.

That’s all bullocks.

Divorce is a loss not only of the past but of the imagined future. And it hurts like hell.

Life Sucks

Day Sixteen

Lose yourself. Allow yourself to be fully consumed by something – a book, a movie, a Netflix binge, a birthday party, a day at the zoo with the kids.

For a few hours, set aside reality and just be in the moment. When the intrusive thoughts come, gently push them away with a promise to attend to them later. If you’re afraid they’ll ruin the day, set aside some time before the escape to cry yourself dry. I promise, it helps.

Day Seventeen

Tackle the task you’ve been putting off. Maybe this is starting to pack some items. Maybe it’s telling the kids. Or maybe it’s some paperwork the lawyer has asked you to assemble.

Divorce is full of unsavory assignments. And as with anything, procrastination only prolongs the dread. Striking that one thing off you to-do list will help you feel a little lighter. A little more hopeful.

Day Eighteen

Move. Whether you’re vibrating with anxious energy or you feel drained of all vitality, exercise will help you feel better. This doesn’t need to be anything fancy. You’re not looking to win any awards or even to commit to a program. Just move.

Go for a walk, take a yoga or Zumba class, or even just spend some intentional time stretching your body. When we’re stressed, the mind and the body disconnect. Make the intention of the day to begin to reconnect your mind and your body.

presentlife

Day Nineteen

You don’t have to wait until you are healed to begin living. There are smiles to be found amongst the tears.

So today, find your smile again. You may have to hunt for it. The effort is worth it.

Day Twenty

You have lost so much. You are hurting and scared. Lost and lonely.

But that is not all you are and all you have.

Write a gratitude list (nothing radical yet, that comes much later), enumerating all that you currently have in your life to be thankful for.

Post the list where you see every morning. And read it as you begin each day.

There is beauty still in your life. Embrace it.

okay

Click here for days 21-30!

A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 1

Posted on by stilllearning2b
survival guide

Imagine a world where whenever you find yourself in over your head, an emergency survival guide for your immediate situation would suddenly appear. It would be succinct and on-point, telling you exactly what you need to know to make it through to the next day and only what you need to know to make it to the next day. The guide would be responsive, changing suggestions and recommendations based upon your current circumstances.

This is the day-by-day guide I wish I had to get me through the first month of a sudden and unwanted divorce.

Day One

Change the wallpaper on your phone and computer to the following message (or something similar):

IMG_6042

You may also want to post it around your house. You don’t have to believe it yet. Just post it.

And make sure you can see it when you start calling attorneys.

Day Two

Tell somebody.

Maybe you feel ashamed or guilty. Maybe you want to protect those around you from the situation. Maybe you’re afraid of appearing weak or vulnerable.

Get over it.

You can’t do this alone. Tell a trusted friend or family member what is happening. The trusted part is important. You need an ally, not a saboteur.

Day Three

Find your cry space. Maybe it’s your car in an empty parking lot, the sanctuary in the church across from your office or in the pool, where the water washes the tears away. It only needs to be a place where you feel safe letting down the walls.

Consider journaling. The paper absorbs the tears.

12 Reasons to Journal After Your Divorce

Day Four

Don’t try to pretend that everything is normal. It’s not. Take some time off work. Call in a family member to help care for the children. Let the laundry slide and allow somebody else to head the upcoming presentation.

Allow yourself to not live up to your everyday expectations of yourself. This isn’t everyday.

And beating yourself up won’t help you get any better. So be kind to yourself instead.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Day Five

Develop your elevator speech. At this point, people around you are going to sense that something is going on, even if they do not know the particulars. And perhaps you don’t want them to know the particulars. Or, even if you’re okay sharing, you’re afraid that the floodgates may open at the wrong time.

Write a one-sentence explanation to give to people. Keep it simple and rehearse it until you can say it without tears or elaboration.

Feel free to steal the one I used after a friend gave it to me – “I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.”

Day Six

Enlist a publicity specialist. Not a professional one, unless you happen to be famous enough that your divorce is in the tabloids, but an informal one. The elevator speech is useful for relative strangers or people on the outside of your circle, but those closer to you will need more information. And if you don’t act proactively, they will either push you to talk before you’re ready or the rumor mill will be activated.

So enlist somebody to deliver the news to those who need to be in the know. Tell them what information you want delivered and what you want to keep private for now.

Day Seven

Check your sleep. At this point, the initial shock has faded into a zombie-like approach to daily life. You are preparing for a marathon, not a sprint. And you need to be rested. If you’re not sleeping, get help. You may need medication. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

accept help

Sleeping too much is also a sign you may need help. If you’re struggling to simply get out of bed after the first week, it’s time to check in with a doctor or therapist. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

Day Eight

Complete a social media and phone purge. Unfriend those who don’t bring you up. Or maybe decide to take a break from social media entirely for a time. Clean out your phone of photos you don’t want to stumble across or texts that bring tears. You don’t have to delete anything right now, just perform the digital equivalent of taking the photos off the wall.

One suggestion I read for those of you that have children – change your soon-to-be-ex’s name on your phone to “co parent.” It’s a powerful reminder of what is most important in a divorce with children involved.

And while you’re at your purge, examine your physical space as well. Sleeping alone but your sheets still carry the scent of the-one-who-is-now-gone? Wash them. A special gift taunting you from its resting spot? Put it away for now. Your brain will bring up enough painful memories on its own. No reason to help it along.

Day Nine

Nurture yourself today. Get a massage. Go to a nice restaurant and savor the service. Sleep in. Whatever sends the message to you that you are valuable and special. Do it. Feel it.

Don’t let one person decide your worth.

Day Ten

Buy a belt.

I bet by now your weight is starting to change. Either you respond to stress by refusing to eat or you use food to soothe the void in your heart. Either way, after several days, the effects will show. Don’t worry about them yet. Just make sure that your pants aren’t falling off.

Days 11-20 are in in Part Two of the Day-By-Day Survival Guide.

9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love struggling

Are you struggling to find love again after divorce?

 

“I’m never going to find anybody else.”

“I’m doomed to die an old cat lady.”

“Nobody else is ever going to love me like he/she did.”

“My ex was the one. And now he/she is gone and I’m alone.”

I hear it all the time. Variations on a theme. A composition of loneliness and longing that often settles into bitterness and resolve.

After divorce or a break up, most people enter a phase of chosen singlehood. It is a period to regain sanity, re-establish self and start the steps into a new life. If kids are in the picture, this swearing-off of partnership may last until the children are grown and gone.

Yet at some point, most people decide (or, even if it is not a conscious choice, start to respond to a pull towards) to enter a new relationship. To entertain the thought of dating and be open to the idea of love.

Some people are happy and fulfilled single and make a thoughtful decision to stay solo. This is not for them.

This is for those that want love but cannot seem to find it.

Those who sign up for online dating and never seem to get past the first coffee date. Those who think they found somebody only for the nascent relationship to spectacularly explode before its first anniversary. Those who only seem to attract the broken or seem to always end up with the sh*tty people. Those that are tired of watching everybody else pair off while they’re afraid they will never again be picked.

 

 

If you want love,

you want a partner

but you feel like giving up,

This is for you.

You’re Scared of Being Vulnerable

Relationships are hard. Damned hard. And anyone who tells you differently is selling something. After experiencing the anguish at the end of a relationship, it is so tempting (and so easy) to keep others at an arm’s distance. But that never works; love is all or none. If you have walls built around your heart (even if you didn’t intentionally construct them), you are keeping love away.

In order to love, you have to be willing to accept the very real risk of loss of love. Personally, I think trade-off is well worth it (even when I’m feeling overly vulnerable), but you will have to decide for yourself if and when it’s worth it in your own life.

 

You’re Looking to Fill Your Ex’s Shoes

When something or someone slides into our pasts, it can be easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. Smoothing over the rough spots and settling on the good. Additionally, when we are with someone for a period of time, we grow accustomed to their particular strengths and can easily take them for granted and assume they are universal traits.

This can combine to creating an ex-shaped hole in your life that you are looking to fill exactly by seeking a doppelgänger. Perhaps you might find someone that seems to fit the gap, but then you discover some characteristic that causes discord in your assumptions. Or, you find that potential partners sense that they are replacements and they leave in search of somebody who wants them as they are.

A new relationship will never be the same as your former one. It will be different. And be open to the idea that different can be better. It means that you will have to accept the lack of some things you used to take for granted and it means you will be surprised by new benefits you didn’t have before.

And most importantly, it means that you have to take responsibility for filling that ex-shaped hole before you go looking for love. Be a partner to love. Not a cavity to fill.

 

You’re Seeking Perfection

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we assign its failure to its imperfection. And so we seek the ideal. The guaranteed. This time, we want the real thing. The soul mate and the fairy tale. Because if we can just find the perfect person, it will all work out.

And there is truth in some of that. At its most basic, your marriage did fail because of imperfection. Not just with the situation. And not just with your spouse. But also with you. Because nothing and no one is flawless and faultless.

Real love, lasting love, doesn’t begin with perfection. It begins with the acceptance (and open discussion) of imperfection. Perfection assumes you say, “I do” and then you’re done. You just sit back for the ride. Acceptance of the idea that we are all always learning creates the foundation for a growth mindset marriage. Not perfect, but fulfilling.

 

Your Actions Don’t Align With Your Intentions

It’s easy to say you want love. It’s easy to complain about the quality of the people on dating sites or the lack of options in your environment. Words take little energy. Wishes even less.

Love doesn’t come to the lazy. Especially love after loss.

If you want a relationship, ensure that your actions match your intentions. Get out and meet people. Lead with curiosity rather than judgement. Say “yes” to experiences and opportunities.

If you want a relationship, don’t act like you’re on the prowl. Act with integrity. Be trustworthy. Show that you can be committed. Don’t claim you want stability while you’re refusing to stand still. And most importantly, be the person you hope to attract.

 

You Are Sending Out Warning Signals

We are often unaware at the subtle signals that we are constantly receiving from others and sending out to those around us. And even those these signals are often subtle and below conscious awareness, they are powerful.

Do you keep attracting broken people that seem to need fixing or parenting? Perhaps you’re unwittingly sending out the message that you need to be needed in order to feel okay about yourself.

Do you keep attracting control-freaks that at first want to “save” you only to later try to dictate your life? Maybe your damsel-in-distress call has been heard by someone that needs to feel powerful.

Do you continually have people abandon you? Is it possible that you come across as too clingy, your intense neediness inadvertently pushing others away?

It’s hard to see these signals head-on; it’s often easier to spot them in the patterns of our relationships. If you always seem to end up in the same position, look to your own insecurities to learn why.

 

You’re Looking For Too Much Too Soon

When you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, you acclimate to the intimacy of a well-known person. You become comfortable. Safe. And it’s easy to except to find that same feeling again.

But that’s impossible.

Because relationships are formed, not found.

It takes time and effort to develop a partnership. Instead of looking for insta-intimacy (which is usually just lust and/or desperation), look for someone that has the raw materials that you want that you believe you can build a relationship with.

 

You’re Still Anchored to the Past

It’s easy to be so done with the past that you try to move on too soon. There is a reason that the saying, “The best way to get over a man is to get under another” exists. There is nothing wrong with post-divorce flings, but don’t confuse them with love.

When you’re still enmeshed in your past, either situationally or emotionally, you are not creating the space or providing the nourishment for a new relationship.

Maybe you just need time. Or maybe you need some help.

But you have to let go before you can move on.

 

You Are Not Happy With Yourself

This is especially common with people who have been subjected to abuse, abandonment or infidelity. It is so easy to internalize your partner’s actions. To take them personally. To assume that unloving actions and words were directed at you because you are somehow flawed. Unlovable.

And when you believe that, others will begin to believe it as well.

Finding love with and for another has to begin with finding love for yourself. With forgiving your own mistakes and seeing your own beauty.

And the first step is realizing that when somebody treats you poorly, they are telling you more about their character than about your worth.

 

You Tell Yourself, “I’m Never Going to Find Love Again”

When you prime the pump for failure, don’t be surprised when you fail. Yes, learning to be open and vulnerable again is hard. Yes, finding somebody that meets your needs and puts up with your flaws is hard. Yes, relationships are harder when we are older have have more complications in our lives. And yes, getting a relationship past the early dates and into love is hard.

And hard doesn’t mean impossible.

Never say never.

 

The Perils of Magical Thinking

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My mom recently attended a conference on emotional manipulators that addressed how to recognize them and how to help their victims recover. Knowing that the topic hit close to home for me, she shared some of the conference literature. As with everything I read about pathological characteristics, some of the points fit my ex like a glove whereas other descriptions fit him as well as two-year-old’s shoe.

But there was one section in particular that resonated, igniting understanding in the dark recesses of my mind – the role of magical thinking in emotional manipulators and in their partners.

I immediately identified several shamanistic thoughts that we both possessed in the latter years of the marriage. I only learned of his magical thoughts in the texts and email he exchanged with my mother after he left. I only became aware of my own thoughts after I obtained some distance and perspective from the end of the marriage.

Because that’s the thing about magical thinking – you don’t realize it’s an illusion until you’ve left the theater.

His Magical Thinking

I’ll Pay It Off

Although he never shed light on what caused the financial problems, he did reveal what his thoughts were about it over the years. Even as the debts continued to grow, he remained convinced that a bonus or a raise or some other financial windfall was just around the corner. And that if he only waited patiently enough, he would be able to pay it all off without my ever learning of the debt. Perhaps this was a rational thought in the beginning. But by the end? It would have required a winning lottery ticket.

This Is the Last Time

Accompanying the thought that a single check would put us back in the black was his belief that he had control of his behavior and that each time would be the last. He only admitted to this thought in regards to spending, but I would wager that it extended to his drinking, his affairs and possibly even the numerous lies and deceptions. This conviction that he could stop at any time (along with the evidence to the contrary) put him on a runaway train towards self-destruction.

The Impact Is Limited

His magical thoughts completely insulated him from the impact of his actions. He typed that I would “bounce back” in the letter he used to exit stage left. He announced in an email to my mom that he hoped she could meet his new wife and that she would just love his new bride. He seemed unaware of the fact that leaving me with no funds left me with no ability to care for our dogs. In his thoughts, he was throwing feathers rather than stones, leaving no ripples.

 

My Magical Thinking

I Can’t Live Without Him

He came into my life at a time when I felt alone. My relationship with my father, who lived across the country, was strained. I had lost a few friends to death and others to teenage transitions. He stepped in and propped me up in those moments when I wasn’t able to do it alone. At least I thought I couldn’t do it alone. And as the years went by and our connection grew, I could not imagine life without him.

There Is Safety in Years

I believed that because I knew his high school friends, stood by as he put on his last few inches of height and layered pounds on his scrawny boy-body and explored his childhood mementos with his mother, that I knew him. That there was no part of his personality or character that I was unaware of. I saw the years as a type of insurance. As though years in the past guaranteed years in the future.

If I Give Everything, I Will Not Be Left

This is another one anchored in childhood. I developed a fear of abandonment and somehow nurtured the thinking that if I gave everything, was the “perfect” wife, that I was safe from being discarded. As a result, I avoided conflict and refrained from pushing too hard or questioning too much. I gave, often not out of love, but out of fear. And martyrdom isn’t good for anybody involved.

Magical thinking is a form of self deception, stories we tell ourselves to avoid truths we would rather avoid and to create a sense of control in a life rife with insecurity. And once you understand that it is illusion, you can start see the mirrors unclouded by the smoke.